Doesn't it drive you mad when people say - it won't last!
One thing mfm has taught me is that all concerns are true to the mother I feel so silly about mine!
my son is 4 months old, he has a strict routine and sleeps through the night bar one feed which my partner does Due to me looking after him all day.
i am concerned because im seeing and speaking to many mums who are saying how hard it is and I really don't feel the same I find it hard to join in on conversations and then I feel bad when I can't comment and if I do comment all I am faced with is.
you've got it to Come
it wont last
this is my first baby and I did not know what to expect however I am so annoyed that all I constantly get is these comments I am fully aware that things will become much harder and challenging and nobody's life or baby is perfect but I hate that other mums just can't be happy for each other!
I feel like with all the parent advice and clubs for first time mums somewhere in there someone should say that actually it really isnt that bad!!
Firstly - congratulations on the arrival of your baby - and glad to hear it is all going well so far.
As to mums not being happy for each other - I'm not sure it's as simple as that. Imagine for a moment you have a baby who cries constantly/does not sleep/has bad reflux. Then imagine hearing another mum tell you that her baby does not have that problem. It would be hard not to think that the other mum was being a bit smug (however it was intended - I am not saying that you are being smug!) and it certainly wouldn't for example make a mum with a baby who doesn't sleep feel any happier about her situation to know other mums are getting more sleep than her. It might make her feel jealous, or perhaps doubt her own parenting abilities - what is she doing 'wrong' that her baby doesn't sleep as well as others'?
I have been both mums in this situation (my first child had a horrible 4 month sleep recession, whereas my second was a dream sleeper) and I found that, with my second, by far the most helpful thing I could do was to listen to other mothers' struggles and to offer words of support and suggestions of things to try ('this too shall pass'; 'have you tried a white noise machine') rather than telling them my baby slept so much better than theirs. It's not about not being happy for each other - it's about being unable to smile as you hear about another mum who is doing well whilst you feel like you are going crazy through lack of sleep! Imagine instead that you hate your job, and your friend is telling you all about how much she loves hers. It's like that - it's not that you are not happy for her, but that your own situation makes it that bit harder to be happy about hers.
As to forums saying it isn't really that bad - well, for some people it is and for some people it isn't. For those who are really struggling then reading 'it isn't that bad' won't be a helpful comment. For those who don't find it too difficult, they probably won't need as much support from parenting forums and the like. So I guess the message is tailored to who might need to read it most, if that makes sense.
Hi each peach thanks for your reply.
i would like to say I 100% agree with what you have said and do already do a lot of it re taking advice listening etc and I am glad you can see I'm not being smug.
it needs to be clearer that what im trying to portray is that just as those mums who are not coping which is Completly normal have lots of people to talk to and share i don't feel can be said for those who are and it needs to be just as acceptable to say I'm ok as it is to say I'm not ok.
Re my comment about it being easy that wasn't the right word ill stick with OK and i hope no mums took offence to that.
thankyou & congrats on your two xxx
Do you get out to lots of classes and the like? If so, could you try to steer conversations away from sleep/feeds towards talking about the activities the children are doing? That way you might be able to avoid the very unhelpful "just you wait"/"it won't last" type comments from other mums (which I agree smack of bitterness and are not at all helpful!)
Comments like "it won't last" are not very welcoming, but I suppose if they are delivered with a sense of sleep-deprived desperation you can be graceful and take them with a pinch of salt - laugh it off and say "oh I know, I am just enjoying what I have now as I know it could all change tomorrow" - whereas if it is genuine bitterness, then you can just avoid that particular mum in the future, life is too short for people who try to bring you down!
I personally think some mums are far too competitive - from how well their baby sleeps, to when they get teeth, when they roll over, sit up, walk, talk etc. Perhaps bitter comments like the sort you mention are just another manifestation of this. At the end of the day it's a journey and we all find our own way, we should be supporting each other and not undermining each other. (Although of course we are all biased and we think our baby is the best!)
i totally agree with this. I am a ftm and found that negativity begun when I pregnant! lots of negativity about hospitals, midwives, the labour, after birth and weight loss etc etc
looking back I can safely say the hardest thing for me so far was the first 6 weeks as its so life changing but 100% worth it.
Its a shame as I feel bad/like I'm bragging to be positive about my pregnancy/labour/breastfeeding.
I admire everyone's honesty but would love support rather than putting a downer on everything! we all work hard and do our best to raise children and sometimes a smile/good for you goes a long way!