My sister is thinking about getting rid of the baby AGAIN!

Hi, i really need to vent off somewhere, sorry but here goes

As you all know my sister is pregnant and was soo happy bout it etc. Last year she got pregnant and had an abortion quite late on and had a terrible experience, i felt alot of hate towards her for it cos i hate the fact she left it soo late! and that she got pregnant in first place if she didnt want it! I never let her know how much i hated her for it, cos i love her and wanted to be there for her, her guilt was far worse than my hatred! So any way, she has been using no contraception for months and talking babies etc and so has her boyfriend, so last week she got her bfp and was exstatic, but boyfriend went a bit quiet. he told his parents today and all day she has been here with me telling me she is gonna stand up for herself and there is no way anyone gonna talk her out of keeping it. Well i just rang her to see what has happened and his mum and dad have said, they dont have a house, they dont have any money bla bla bla and they would have to buy for it and its not fair on them etc... and now she is thinking bout getting rid!! I AM FUMING she is 19 and they live with his parents, but for god sake they knew what they were doing, if they werent sure then they should not have got pregnant and used something. This is a life she is growing and i cant bear the thought of her snuffing another one out for their irresponsibility's. I have no probs with yes she is young , live her life etc but maybe they should have thought about that before they decided to create this life! I love her sooo much and were extremely close but i just dont know how to be with her now or how to react to her. i just text her saying i love her and will support her either way, but i'm not sure i can do it again! And personally i feel this will destroy her cos i know she wants it, but she thinking bout what everyone else wants! i havent vented any of this too her cos she has got enough to think bout, but i soo dont want her to kill this baby! we all have different views on it and i agree everyones circumstances are different, but at end of day they knew what they were doing like they did last year, i just feel she has no respect for the life she is growing! I dont know what to do or say to her, i know she will be here tommoro in tears and i just dont know if i can bite my tongue.... PLEASE GIVE ME SOKME ADVICE`

[Modified by: sara1984 on 15 December 2008 20:24:43 ]


  • hey hun, i don't really know what to say other than make sure she makes the right decision for HER and not what anyone else thinks...if she has ur support i'm sure she'll know she can stand up for herself if she really wants this baby but at the end of the day i don't think there's really anything u can do other than be there for her :\( x
  • Hi hun, just wanted to say that when I got pregnant with Lily me and hubby didn't have a house, weren't married or anything. It acted as a spur for us to get sorted and it was the best thing we've ever done. I hope your sis can be strong and if she wants this baby I'm sure she will find a way. We had no baby things and not much money but so many people helped us out by lending or giving us things, I'm sure you could help her in that way. And couldn't she get a council house if she can't afford her own place?

    Either way I think you'll have to support her as it's her choice but in your place I'd be angry too.

    Hope things work out. xxx
  • hi she knows all this bout council house and that id help her out, she would manage and she'd be a great mum. Last year when she had abortion she was bout18/20weeks and gave birth to the baby and she had a very difficult labour so to speak, she saw the baby come out and just lie there and it really effected her, so i dont understand why they would put themselves inthis situation again if they were unsure bout keeping it! I cant stop crying i soo dont want her to do this again! What about the little bean growing in her, how much did the last one have to suffer cos of her and his irresponsibleness! its not the fact of the abortion that makes me cross even though i dont like it, its the fact they intentionally got pregnant and can just throw it away like a piece of crap! I know she will regret it if she does it again, but she will do what she thinks everyone else thinks she will do i know she will, i know she will get rid cos of his family and her dad. She has also seen me have kids young so she knows what it involves so there is another reason maybe she should have thought bout it before getting pregnant!
  • She really needs to make this decision for herself and not anyone else. She will regret it if she goes through with it as she seems to want a baby so much. I found out I was pregant when Kelsie was just 11 weeks old, and was gutted to be honest. I was just adjusting to life with one baby, let alone to now be planning for two! I don't regret it in the slighest getting pregnant and am so happy now that I have two beautiful children. Is there anyway she could speak to her doctor for some advice and tell them the position she is in. Maybe they could talk to her boyfriend. So many women feel pressurised into doing things because there scared. I hope she makes the right decision.

    I agree with Lea though. She must be able to get her own place via the council if she has no money and a baby on the way. If shes needing advice I've heard that the CAB - Citizens Advice are really useful and helpful.

    I too hope things work out.
  • Double post - ooops!


    [Modified by: garfield on December 15, 2008 08:51 PM]

  • Tbh hun i think she needs to grow up and take responsibility, and her boyfriend should be supporting her!
    I think you should give her some home truths and abit of tough love i'm affraid, they both clearly wanted a baby and the only reason they are questioning it is because they are young and are being influenced by his parents and i think you need to point this out and really make her think!
    I know you are trying to support her, but i think she needs you for guidance and not just a shoulder to cry on! (hope you don't take offence by that!-none intended!!!)
    Please don't let her make another mistake!

  • thanks for your replies. ive been told by my stepdad to keep schum and let her have a proper think and support her either way, but its soo damn hard! I will support her coss i love her unconditionally but its soo hard! I just cant get my head round it i really cant!
  • It's so sad because they obviously wanted the baby in the first place or they wouldn't have tried to have one. And I can't imagine she would really want to go through another abortion if the first was so horrific. Maybe she's just scared. I don't think I'd be able to keep schtum if it was my sister.

  • I had a similar experience but with my oh cousin, she has a boyfriend of a few years, they were just moving into a house together. She is 18. Her family announced that she was pregnant and excited etc etc. a few weeks later we all get texts from her mum to say she had had and abortion due to all the financial difficulties they would have faced. I was quite angry as i was at that time ttc - why announce it only to end it? Also, all babies are expensive to everyone - but you have to manage and we all do. thats the sacrifice many of us make. I agree that your sis needs to grow up a little, its not just something you should change your mind on when you are already pregnant unless there are real extenuating circumstances. It does upset me too and i think i too would find it very difficult to treat her the same. However, she is your sister and i am sure you will eventually come to terms with everything xxx
  • This is such a tough situation, I think you are being really strong to handle it so well. I hope things work out for the better how ever that is, and good luck to you and your sister.

  • i understand why you want to keep quiet but maybe she just needs to feel like someone is on her side to give her the strength to stand up for what she wants!
    I think if she does have another abortion, it may make you feel bad about her and it may ruin your relationship eventually, and you may regret not telling her how you feel! she may come to you in a year or 2 crying about what a mistake she has made and you would feel terrible that you didn't express your opinion, you don't have to be nasty about it, just explain that she found the first one hard and how does she think she would cope after a second, and that it is her baby and nobody elses and therefore her decision alone!

  • I think that you need to sit her down & tell her everything you've written here to her face.
    If she is being told things by a family that aren't hers then her family should be telling her what they think too. Ultimately it is her choice & hers alone & that is what she needs to understand especially when she has already been through the trauma of what she has faced.

    When I was 19 I had a mc, it was awful & I still think of my baby- in my head he was a boy & I know it's sounds mental but I named him Jamie & always talk to Ellie about him & stuff.....anyway at the time I thought my world had completely fallen apart stupidly my ex & I had been trying (he was 6 years older & wanted a baby i was young, naive & stupid) but I remember the shock of actually knowing I was pregnant. Never in my mind did it occur to me to have an abortion but in the end the baby wasn't to be. I know now why I wasn't able to continue with the pregnancy, my ex & I split up & he's getting married next year & I have Ellie but at the time it was the worst thing that could ever have happened.

    With having Ellie & being a single parent it has been goddamn hard, emotionally, financially, mentally, everywhichway but do you know what I have got here. There are so many options opened to your sister that she doesn't even know about but she will never find out about them if she doesn't open her eyes.

    I really hope that the decision she makes is made by her & for her because she's the one who'll be living with it for the rest of her life. Good luck xxx
  • Hi,

    I think you should talk to her about it as a couple of the others have said. If I were in your position I would go and have a quiet sit down with her, tell her how much I love her and will be there for her no matter what but that you feel it is important she takes a step back and thinks about exactly what she is doing and makes the right decision for her.
    This isn't a matter of just changing your mind, an abortion is a huge thing and she needs to be 100% happy that it is the best option for her if she is to go down that route. If she had an abortion at 18/20 weeks last time I'm surprised she even considered trying for another until she was 100% happy that it was the right time for her. I can't even begin to imagine what a horrendous ordeal that was to go through. Did she get any counselling after that?

    If she does keep the baby I'm sure you have baby stuff she can borrow to help out money wise, and if she really wants to keep the baby there is always a way through.

    Her boyfriend really needs to grow up and support her on this, he was obviously part of the decision to get pregnant in the first place.

    Good luck, I hope everything works out. x
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