Relationship after a baby.

My relationship seems to be going to pot at the moment. I dont think my oh understands that our baby comes first now (he's 5 weeks old)

I don't know what to do really. He's great sometimes but others he is crap. He just doesn't "get" that we are a family now and have to sacrifice some things. He has a classic car and wanted to drive it when we went out a week or 2 ago but the car seat wouldnt fit any of the seats so he threw a complete tantrum, banged the baby seat (with lo in it) down on the floor (not too hard, but carelessly) and said "I never wanted a f***ing kid, I can't do anything I want, its all your fault" (or words 2 that effect).

He is angry all the time and it scares me sometimes. Just about little things like losing a car park ticket, not fitting the car seat, etc, but it's OTT and he takes it out on me and Gabe. Nothing I say calms him down when hes like that so I just dont say anything and it passes but it drives me MAD. I don't want our son to have a father with such a ridiculous temper who throws tantrums like a toddler. He was like that before we had our son too though.

Just now he went mental at me because I put a few things away just before feeding my lo and had a quick sip of water. Literally i was about 30 seconds doing this. He said "OH FINE I'll feed you cos your mum things other things are more important", acting like i was neglecting him, grabbed the bottle and started to feed him, acting like it was a big pain doing so because he wanted to mess around with his car.

He never stops pestering me for sex as well which is pissing me off. We had sex 3 weeks after our lo's birth which I think is pretty good going but no apparently not. If I dont have sex with him he'll whinge for ages and NEVER shuts up about it! Its lucky that I still enjoy it, but sometimes feel like I cant be bothered.

I dunno what to do cos i cant put up with his bad temper any longer!!!!! I am so calm and patient with him that I just get so frustrated doing it.


  • ahh babe how annoying!! he needs to realise that baby is more importent.. the car situation did he not realise when u were pregnent that he might nto be able to use the car as often? or can u come to a compromise and maybe get a car seat that does fit in it ? i know its all extra expense but might make him a bit happier? 3 weeks for sex is very good going we waited 8 weeks but i had stitches so was very sore! tmi!! men seem to have such short tempers after babies coz they are used to having all the attention.. maybe the sleepless nights are getting to him making him short tempered in the day? my oh used to be like that then got diagnosed with depression since he has bin on tablets he is soo much calmer about things and the little things he used to have a tantrum about dont phase him anymore.... maybe something to think about ? 5weeks is still very young everything is still new to him.. im not trying to make excuses for him but things do get better as time goes on there is alot of stress for both of u at the moment.. sorry if ive waffled on but i have a bad habit of that!! lol hope things get better for you soon xxx
  • oh dear, i really feel for you this sounds like a rubbishy situation. i'm going to come out with an obvious one here, but have you spoken to him about it? or would he fly off the handle? in our relationship i must say, im the sex pest lol, my sex drive is higher than oh's, but ive learned that pestering him only makes him not want it even more, so have changed my tactics lol. i don't actually have any suggestions other than, i buggered off to york to stay with a mate for a couple of days and basically left OH in the lurch with evie for days nights and he certainly appreciates everything i do a lot more now. if it would be possible you could do that, a little extreme perhaps but it might give him the wake up call he needs?? sorry to not be of much help xxxx
  • Thing is, he doesn't have sleepless nights! He works nights and sleeps in the spare room so he isn't disturbed. I don't mind this at all - if I worked nights I wouldnt want to be woken up - but it doesnt really give him an excuse for being moody, lol. I think your right that he needs to adjust and I hope he does soon. It's just he's always had the bad temper and i'm so fed up with it now.
  • Sometimes men just dont know how to cope with having a new baby around, I am no expert on relationships, I suppose I am lucky as my hubby has been great since the baby was born although we have occassionaly had the odd rant about nothing really important normally down to tiredness and being new parents and not really knowing what to do. Have you been with each other long? Have you tried telling him how you feel? Is he worried that he is not going to be getting attention from yourself, ie acting jealous? like you say baby comes first. Or do you think his mood may be from lack of sleep/money worries etc not that any of these are an excuse to be horrible to your partner/spouse. To be honest it is probably just the fact that there is a new baby and he just doesnt know what his role should be (you know what men are like they need guideance) you could try speaking to your health visitor im sure you are not the only one in a situation like this. Some men take to being a dad naturally others I suppose take time to find their feet. Re the sex issue I would suggest you tell him if you not happy about it and if he takes the hump then tough your body has been through enough at the moment and sex is the last thing on your mind (or is it), they do say you should wait until your 6 week check up. None of this this has probably helped, but Im sure someone out there has been though the same thing. Good luck.hope things work out im sure they will.
  • I have spoken to him about it but he'll just say something like "It's just the way I am." He is so stubborn is the problem. He never apologises for anything...I can tell when he's sorry even when he doesn't say it, but I wish he'd swallow his pride sometimes.
  • does he see much of the baby working nights? surely he comes in and sleeps all day? maybe he dosnt feel like he is bonding with his baby? id sit down and talk to him about it see how it goes.. or just let him read the post u have just written.. seems to sum it up! xxx
  • Looked at some of your other posts you are young couple right? Do you feel that he is worried that this his life now and doesnt want to or feel ready yet to have such big responsibilities. You need to do what ever is best for yourself and baby especially if you are worried about his anger, would time apart help or do you have no where else to really go. As for being a young mum you sound like you are doing great, especially as you are looking for advice. Once again good luck.
  • awww hun
    its tough with a new born and an oh to keep happy. take today for example kirk was at work from 8am til 2.30pm i have been up with summer since 3am she went to sleep at 8.45 for a total of 20 mins and she is still awake now so kirk comes in and gets straight on his lap top and doesnt help with her at all he also doesnt get up with her at nite so i feel like a single mum right now!!!!!
    i hope u manage to sort ur oh out i dunno what im gonna do with mine!!!
  • trying to type with wriggling lo in one hand so will stick to bullet points if u dont mind

    1)if he doesnt seem to listen to you...have u tried writing it in a letter to him? might hit home better. could suggest anger management classess if he cant control himself..shouldnt take it out on lo either (re banging the car seat down).
    2) tell him it takes 2 to produce a child so he shares the same responsibility as you. how did he react to u being pregnant? i think hes got to realise that he needs to grow up a bit and act like a daddt and not just a father. let him no him can have some lad time later but right now gabe and family should be his top priority.
    3) does ur hubby have a specific activity with gabe that he does rather than you sch as bath time? at first my hubby didnt appear to be spending much time with our daughter so i made sure he bathed her as i am bf. we do it together, he holds her and i wash. he has started doing it on his own now.
    also, i used to puth her in his arms whilst i cooked dinner and things so he had no choice but to look after her. He seems to have bonded with her now, and yesterday he took her out of my arms. was surprised but also pleased.
    4)sex - i know what u mean. we also did it first at 3 wks, i was going to hold out til 6. but he was like we havent had it for 6 wks. did it 1 a wk before buirth, so was a long time for him!! im not surewhat to say on that one. hmmmmm...cos we are a young couple too...

    hope something it what i have written may have helped. all the best xxx

    [Modified by: Bumpety Bump on June 14, 2008 06:32 PM]
  • Hi Tiger Lily, i don't really know if this comparison will help you but i can tell you what happened after our first was born.

    David had been a coal miner from when he was 18 until Erin was born and he was about 34 and he worked all shifts on and off, but mainly night shift.

    When he was 35 and Erin was 7 mths David had an offer to work in Mines Rescue which meant a drastic pay reduction but an immense change in life style (eg from $150k AUD to $90k AUD) but to only work day shift eg 6 am to 4pm.

    We had to have a massive change of lifestyle considering just before Erin was born i went from working fulltime to nothing and losing about $30k AUD.

    I think now, even though david's pay has gradually increased over 5 years, the fact that he gave up his high paying job with bad shift work to being home just about every afternoon and playing with his girls is irreplaceable.

    I guess my point is that money and a crap work lifestyle can never replace the time with your family. You learn to make do with less.

    Good luck, Shell
  • if it was me i'd have a hard time putting up with it. i have 1 baby already i dont need another one. relationships should be fun, not hard work and there is no way i would be trying to reason with him or get him to understand my point of view. his behaviour is ridiculous and childish and he should bloody well know this.
    if he cannot appreciate that he has a wonderful partner and child then he should NOT have them. you have a lot on your plate and you work hard to please him. i think this is a form of domestic abuse, i know you may not think so but it is and there are no excuses. you have tried speaking to him but he wont listen. sit down and think about all the things he does and ask yourself "is this right". does he treat you hw you think you should be treated or are you and your son a burden to him.
    you could leave or kick him out if you come to the conclusion that you and your baby should be treated better, but you have to make that decision. if it was me, and man who banged my childs carseat down with him in it and yelled that he never wanted that child would be out the door and out of my life forever.
    good luck hun and remember this isnt normal behaviour and you deserve much better
  • Hi, sorry that he's being a pain at the moment, sometimes I think the babies are easier to ook after than their Dads lol. I saw someone suggested writing a letter, just wanted to add that this is a great idea and something I've done in the past but once you've written it put it away for a few days then read it again when things are going well before giving it to him so that you get a chance to look at things less emotionally too (not saying that you'll feel any different, or should feel different though). Also it is a really good idea to give him Gabriel and leave them alone while you go out, even if its just for a few hours.
    Hope things get better soon xx
  • hi, my oh has a temper too though luckily has calmed down a bit since blake was born (hes now 13months). i am 19 and matt is 31 so technically if either of us is entitled to be silly/childish sometimes it me! but its not, im very mature and matt quite immature for his age, and i refuse to baby him as well as blake.
    when he used to have his tantrums just after blake was born (about lack of sleep/less sex - although we first had sex again just 4 days after i gave birth!/lack of bonding (he was a bit nervous of doing things for blake as he thought he may hurt him by accident, plus i was and still am breastfeeding so he couldnt join in with that) i told him in no uncertain terms that he had to buck up his ideas, he was a daddy and i would not tolerate his behaviour the way i had before blake was born!

    now we very rarely get any probs, and our relationship is much better for it. the only problem we get is that blake refuses to sleep unless he is in our bed (my fault for constantly wanting to cuddle him as a baby!!) so sex is out of the question unless is during the day when blake is napping! and the crying during the night he has never got used to and it still irritates him but we have sorted that out by setting up a futon in the spare room for him to kip on until i settle blake then he comes back to bed when blakes asleep.
    hope things get better for you xxx
  • i think at 5 weeks he may just be having a hard time dealing with the drastic change in his life, we have 9 months of bonding with our baby and it takes a lot longer for the dad too feel that attatchment. perhaps hes just havng a hard time knowing what his role is, you need to try and give them daddy and son playtime and do the whole 'oh look darling his face lit up when he heard you' stuff. my oh had trouble in the beginning, it wasnt jealousy just misplaceme nt, he also worked odd hours meaning he was around at bedtime not playtime. it has taken a good few months for him to really feel involved. is there definitely not a stronger underlying issue like stress at work or money? i think you do need to address the temper, if it scares you imagine how it would scare a toddler, i would say what you said here but in a calm way not in the heat of a row..... 'I don't want our son to have a father with such a ridiculous temper who throws tantrums like a toddler.'..... he should see your point, perhaps even sulk but with any luck get over it. IF however he doesnt you may need to reevaluate your position as theres you son to think about now and a violent/angry home is no home. i'm sure though he just needs time its still early days. good luck
  • I think you have my husband!!! LOL he is the same and he also works nights!!!!
  • Wow thanks for all the replies. I think you are right and he's just adjusting to it...I do think he maybe is a bit jealous too. Things were a bit better last night but that might have been because he went out clubbing so I didnt see him!!!
  • do you mind me asking how old you and your oh are tiger lily? it may be that he feels too pressurised by the realisation that he is a dad now for the rest of his life and it has only just hit him. remember men are emotionally/mentally more immature than women by at least 3 years i think (dont hold me to that figure tho!) so my oh is almost 32 but technically is more like 28 ish - tho sometimes i swear he is more like 15 lol. xxx
  • I was going to ask if you were a young couple?
    It does sound like he's having probelms adjusting to family life - I assume he asked if it was ok if he could have a night out last night or did he just leave you to it?
    I hope you can sort things out & he can learn to control his temper. Your son will look up to his father and it would not be good for him to think that shouting & being angry is how to get attention. Saying all that though I've been horrible to my oh for the past few days (see my post hormones from hell) so I suppose I'm being bit of a hyprocrite. I'm not normally nasty tempered just suffering with pmt I think! There's lots of emotions to go through when having a baby - both for mother & father.

    [Modified by: ccbmommy on June 15, 2008 11:03 AM]
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