Sex post birth

Hi Ladies

I'm new, wanted to say Hi and ask for you advice.

I had my first child, a gorgeous baby girl a month go. My husband has been behaving extremely inappropriately and I wondered if you could offer me a way forward.

Last night my husband was checking his emails and received an email from an adult dvd site. He was looking at a couple of dvd's and commented to me about them. I was winding my baby at the time and told him the dvd's were irrelevant and asked him to help me wind her. Well, this morning I came down and saw our computer was on. He was downloading these dvd's from a pirate site. I was absolutely disgusted. I deleted the downloads immediately and emailed hubby and told him what I did. I knew he was downloading some stuff but thought it was computer updates. One of these downloads was titled 'Hand jobs - guides for ladies'.

He ignored my emails today and when I called him because I was worried about my baby he was rather rude to me.

I never disliked porn, in fact we used to watch it but I don't want this stuff in my house, I don't want him near me. Last night he was making moves on me and I rebuffed him using the excuse I have stitches still, which I do, but the idea of him near me made me uncomfortable.

These porn downloads have upset me more. Is this normal?

I appreciate your help. I apologise for the personal information. :\)


  • Hello hun and welcome to the site. Being a new mummy and changing family dynamics are hard. I think with only having a baby a month ago it's completely natural to feel less than interested in bedroom activities, and especially more so with stitches. Take your time, on your terms, because after creating a whole new person you have earned the right to a little tlc, and some rest (not that those come in abundance, lol). My only concern is you said you don't want husband near you, is this before or after the downloads? Just perhaps he's feeling replaced by the baby and could use a good cuddle and a kiss, it doesn't excuse looking for porn while his wife and child need him just thought maybe he is acting like a toddler all because he's jealous? Sorry if I have misinterpreted, I certainly don't want you to feel I'm siding with him, as you have every right to feel upset.

    Maybe try to sit down and have a chat once lo is asleep for an hour and hopefully you two might be able to work it out.

    Best wishes

  • Just another thought, are you getting the help you need from your husband, or are you up all night? I know after four weeks of sleep deprivation I start to feel a lot less keen to be affectionate. Perhaps a gentle reminder that the more help he is the more help you are prone to be.

  • Hi hun. Personally i've never liked my hubby looking at porn, and would be mortified if he did it so blatently. Have you told him that it bothers you now? If you looked at it together before, he may think you have no problem with it and this is why he downloaded so he didn't put pressure on you? Then was rude as he didn't see the problem?

    There is no excuse for behaving rudely towards you and not helping with your LO. You should both be the most important people to him, and as you say, the porn whilst trying to help your baby is irrelevent!

    If it were me, i'd just have a chat with him and explain that your opinions have changed since having your LO, and you no longer find it acceptable, and would like some limits? Explain that it makes you not want him anywhere near you, and I think he should realise he won;t get the real thing if he pushes his luck. xxx
  • Hi Hedgie

    Thank you very much for your reply. It's a rather odd feeling. I don't feel like me and I don't feel sexy at the moment which I guess is to be expected.
    I think having a chat with him is a good idea so I have emailed and asked him to try and be home on time so I can order a pizza and we can chill out and chat.

    Thanks for your advice. I apologise it was so detailed!

  • Hi Rebecca (I like Splodge!)

    It was the fact that he was commenting on a title with such a blaise attitude that really irked me. He said it so ' Oh a dvd on how to give handjobs' it was so rude and insulting.

    I never had a problem with porn, and like I said we used to watch it together years ago but since have my baby my attitude has changed. I have an appointment with the doctor in two weeks to chat about my contraception choice and for a check up on my stitches. I have never been a raging sexoholic and during my pregnancy I was asked to abstain from sex by my doctor and my husband was marvellous. He didn't behave like a child, he was kind and considerate but I feel very different. I dislike my boobs now, they are droopy and the brown nipples...not to mention my horrible jelly belly. My husband says he doesn't care about those things but I think the idea of sex right now is out of the question.
    I am not having a lot of sleep. My LO is up for feeds every 2/3 hours and she is terrible with her wind. She takes hours. I am trying Infacol and it's marvellous. She does do burbs but not big ones! I tried that Gripe Water and she spat it out so I tried putting it in her milk and she refused her milk then! (Then this morning I smashed the bottle of Gripe Water all over my kitchen floor and it was a bugger to get off as it was so oily!!). My husband works Monday to Friday in an office so he needs his sleep so I get up with my LO whilst he sleeps. On the weekends he stays up with LO whilst I get some rest.
    I feel a little guilty discussing this with you lovely ladies as my husband and I can talk about anything.

    I am tired but who isn't with a newborn!!!

  • With regards to the wind, I know how hard that can be. Riley had wind, and we found it really helped to cycle his legs with him on his back, as well as rubbing his tummy gently. He also passes it easier if I put him on my chest facing me and rub his lower back for bottom wind and higher up for burps.

    Can see what you mean about the title, how rude. With regards to your body, it has been through major events recently, give yourself some time to adapt to how it is now. It was only a month ago you had your LO. I still have moments where I get upset about my body, especially my chest! But it has changed so much even over the last couple of weeks, so who knows what changes will happen over the next few months.

    How annoying with the gripe water, lol. If that were me when my LO was that age I would have probably had a break down, lol. Can't give any helpful advice on the sleep part, it's good that your hubby stays up with your LO so you can rest, he obviously cares a great deal about you, so if you discuss how you're feeling he's bound to listen? xxx
  • Hi

    Oh the wind is the worst. She will take 4ozs at the moment then do a little burp and then get the hiccups and then fall asleep but it can take 2 hours!

    I will try your winding techniques. I have tried everything else!

    I see what you are saying. It has only been a month. I suppose I should I give it more time.

    My husband is lovely. He is kind and caring
    and he is loves his daughter! She is such a little daddy's girl.

    I am sure he will listen, a nice pizza and a cuddle and I am sure he will be open to a chat.

  • i had loads of problems with my OH about the same stage when he thought i should be ready 2 "get back in the saddle"! we ended up having a major row n fell out 4 about a week!!

    when brooke got 2 about 6 n a half weeks we left her with my SIL while we went out 4 tea n 2 the pictures n it was fab, i felt like me again n didnt smell like baby sick 4 the night!! it really helped n the following night i was raring to go (sorry if TMI) but he thought all his birthdays had come at once ha ha!!

    hope u manage to sort it n maybe a compromise, tell him u dont mind if he looks at it but you would prefer it if he did it when your not around n 2 be discreet about it xxx
  • Have you tried colief for the wind it was the only thing that worked with Lucy. She had really bad colic and screamed for hours some nites

    Hope you are feeling better soon.x
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