how do you like to be shown your OH loves you?

I'm after Free or really really cheap ways you can show someone you love them.. more so for my OH to me than the other way around. At the moment he seems to think throwing money at a problem will make it better, but then complains about having no money ...

I keep telling him he can show me he cares in many many cheap or free ways, and i dont want money spent on me because ultimately it just causes more problems...



So, how can a man show he loves his woman without spending money? (or at least cheap?)

I did get a lovely HUGEEEEEE bunch of flowers today at work, but i know how much a bunch that size costs and i know we cant afford it.. (although they are beyond lovely and smell fantastic! They are very very much appreciated although i wasnt too sure about the embarrasment at work lol )


Thanks in advance ladies!

xxx

Sorry - Edited title as baby girl pressing buttons! xx

[Modified by: icecreamlover on 11 July 2010 01:49:45 ]

Posts

  • i would love a nice meal cooked for me or a trip to the cinema or even just the offer for him to get up in the night if they wake a full nights sleep would be bliss, so no need for monet really just some effort would be nice espicially as Lexie is being a monster at bedtime at the moment lol
  • I would appreciate it sooo much if oh organised a day/night of the kids being away to grannies, helped me with the cleaning/tidying and took it upon himself to shop and cook or better still order a takeaway (otherwise i would have to wash every dish in the house again and tidy up)

    I am the one who always has to organise any childcare which in now very rare. My parents are not able to help out at the moment and although i hate the inlaws looking after the kids, it is our only option at the moment. Unfortunately its still me that has to ask him to phone them, which he hates to do as they say no more than they say yes!!!!

    Running a bath with candles and wine and a magazine is always a lovely thing to do, my oh does that now and then which is nice

    I just find any way of taking over house and kids for me is fab!!

    Gemm x
  • being allowed a lie in so he gets up with the kids.

    Doing things that I normally have to ASK him today without him being asked.

    Cooking a meal for me

    Doing a bit of cleaning when I am out

    Arranging for me to have some time to myself to go for haircut or just a coffee somewhere

    CUDDLES

    Thinking of new things for us to do as a family

    Making me a cuppa without being asked

    Getting me a little something extra int he shopping (and I mean LITTLE) Like a bar of choc or some raspberries (my fav but normally out of budget) or something like that.

    Making me a little card or picture with Max

    ummmmmmmm - can't think of more - I would like to point out that my oh does NONE of these things - maybe I sould get him to look at this thread! :lol:
  • I would absolutely love it if my DH cooked me a meal.

    I can count on one hand the number of times this has happened in the last three years and he knows how much it would mean to me if he did it, but I'm still waiting...

    B x
  • The nicest thing my oh has done for me is on one of his days off he took lo out for the day. he left the house at around 11am & didn't come home till around 6ish. It was just lovely having the house to myself for a few hours I just sat & watched tv & chilled out. It totally refreshed me & really made me feel a bit more refreshed. My inlaws also too lo for a few hours as well to give me & oh an afternoon to ourselves that just made us feel like a couple again rather than just mummy & daddy.

    Well worth it &it costs nothing!!

    Jayne xx
  • My husband shows me he loves me by...

    whenever he gets me anything to eat be it a slice of toast for breakfast or a full blown meal, he always puts a loveheart somewhere on it. He has done this since the day we met 5 years ago.

    He will get up in the night after I have fed Kieran and wind him/change his nappy so I can go back to sleep. He will then get up in the morning with him if he is not at work so I can have a lay in.

    He cooks a lot of the meals.

    Im sure there is more but I cant think at the minute.

    The ultimate way has to be...by putting up with my moods lol x

  • A nice long hug in the middle of all the chaos, where he tells me what a fantastic mum I am - makes me mush every time!

    Offering to run a bath or make dinner because he knows I'm struggling for time to do both.

    Basically, anything that he wouldn't normally do xx
  • Spontaneously saying 'thank you' for letting him go on an overnight trip with his friends. (That was a big one because Peter decided not to nap that day and then woke up in the night. I was not a happy bunny.)

    Doing the laundry every day.

    Doing the washing up when my hands were inflamed.

    Bringing me a cup of tea/glass of wine without me having to ask.

    Holding my hand while we are out walking.

    In fact, any unprompted gesture of support which demonstrates that he is aware of how I am feeling and thinking about what I might need.
  • i think just the little things,

    cooking u a meal every now and then (and doing the dishes after)

    perhaps taking the lo's out for just an hour so u can have a bath/relax in peace

    giving u a random cuddle or peck on the cheek (this one of the things i wish oH did, he simply can't cuddle me without groping anf i find it reeeeaaally annoying - just a cuddle with no alterior motives would be sooo nice)

    if ur ot with the kids would be nice if at least some housework had been done when u got back (ie putting a load of laundry on-although that could be risky lol- or just doing the washing up, putting the kids toys away etc, not necessarily the big stuff like washing the floors, but just something that could make ur life a little easier when u got back rather than ahving to do that aswell)

    when he gets up to get himself a drink, ask if u want one too, rather than jsut getting one hiself (bugbear of mine)

    xx

    ps, might get oH read this thread as these are not things he does, but things i wish he would do! he does get up with ds to give me a lie in fairly regulalry but he doesn't do anything, so then when i get up i still ahve all the house owrk to do but less time to do it in....
  • Thanks for all of these ladies image

    I have made him read the thread, to which he replied "but I do tht and that and that..." I asked him when he had last done them and he couldnt remember :roll:


    Thing is he will do most of these... for about a week, or a month if I'm really really lucky, but then he reverts back into "I've got to sort me out first and foremost everytime" mode for ages, almost forgetting he has me and the kids - or thats the way it appears to us (Ollie sat crying one day because he hadn't said goodbye to him when he went for his afternoon shift..he was so distraught that daddy hadn't had 2 seconds to speak to him). I put up with it for so long but then get fed up and pissed off and pull him back to the line... which he says is out of order :lol: ! My Ar.se it is!


    Anyhoo, I've got time with him tonight for things to be discussed, I'm going to introduce an allowance for us both each week so "we" don't 'spend too much', plus an allowance for essentials each week so he can't complain he's had to buy say wipes out of his allowance etc...
    I'm going to make him work out exactly how many hours overtime he *has* to work each month to cover the bills, and make him look at ways we can reduce the bills... starting with the gas and electric as he refuses to change and I'm almost certain they're not the cheapest at the moment. Anything we have 'spare' is going to go into a seperate account and will be waiting for holidays, rainy days and emergencies.

    then alongside the overtime I'm going to give him a maximum number of hours he can work on the ext, and the rest of the time he has to be spending it with the kids and me.

    I was thinking of setting one night a week for 'us' timeimage and out of the nights we do get to spend together choose one night a week to have the TV off and either play board games, the Wii or just talk to each other image ! (we get 3 nights a week together usually, but the actual nights vary)

    One thing I want to make sure of is that we take it in turns to get up to the kids. If i do all the getting up one night then he does it the next, we both work (he starts early I finish late) so neither of us is getting a better deal (the kids are awake before he goes to work at the moment though) but it will be better for us both if we both get a night undisturbed...at the moment i do all the getting up in the night as well as first thing and finish work late.... I'd like him to take some responsibility for these as well as me....



    How does all this sound to you? Does it sound fair? Or am i way off the mark?

    He has been better again since saturday - i got dinner made sunday (and a lie in, although still only 6 hours sleep) and he got up with the kids this morning before work (although i was up half the night with them)....

    I just wish I wasn't sat here wondering when the next time he'd start taking us for granted again will be, or when he starts treating me as though I have to do everything for him again....

    Thanks again ladies!


    xx
  • I think its fair enough you want him to spend time with you and the kids but, and I don't mean to speak out of term, setting him exact hours he can and can't do things seems a bit controlly to me? Does he appreciate that kind of control or will it lead to problems?
    If you are sitting down to talk to him, perhaps suggest he limits his time on the extension rather then setting him to a limit yourself.

    I personally would be quite resentful of hubby or anyone who sat me down and said I was now restricted to x amount of hrs doing such and such. I'd much rather compromise as an adult then be told.......because i'd probably then rebel if i'm honest.

    I think having a budget for anything is essential - i'm lucky in that hubby leaves finances to me. We have a really fab partnership that hasn't changed much since the day we moved in together. I'm responsible for all things internal (cleaning/washing/general housey things) and hubs is responsible for all things external and manly image (DIY/Garden).

    It works well for us as its what we're both better at. If hubby tried lifting a hand to clean he'd not do it how I would do it and so i'd end up doing it anyway. Same goes the other way, if I tried mowing the lawns, i'd prob churn it to mud so best left to hubby!

    As for the ways of getting him to show he loves you - the girls have come up with excellent suggestions, I always think its the smallest things that make the difference.

    xxx
  • does sound fair hun - I totally know the goign back thing we have it all the time promises to change and do things differently manages for a week and then back to square one!
  • I think its fair enough you want him to spend time with you and the kids but, and I don't mean to speak out of term, setting him exact hours he can and can't do things seems a bit controlly to me? Does he appreciate that kind of control or will it lead to problems?
    If you are sitting down to talk to him, perhaps suggest he limits his time on the extension rather then setting him to a limit yourself.

    I personally would be quite resentful of hubby or anyone who sat me down and said I was now restricted to x amount of hrs doing such and such. I'd much rather compromise as an adult then be told.......because i'd probably then rebel if i'm honest.


    don't worry about saying owt to me, I don't take offence image

    The trouble is he *does* need telling how much time he can spend on things, otherwise he would spend all his time either at work or on the extension. He has even told me before that him having to put the kids to bed meant he had lost x hours working on the ext... (I was at work...)
    He needs telling, "actually you've spent the last 699 hours out of 700 working or working on the ext, and the other hour you've deigned to give us your presence just so you can eat.... (food that he expects me to have ready at x time but then doesnt bother coming in for it until its cold, because he 'just had to do this or that') so it is about time you spent some quality time with your children at the very least."
    He loses track of time, forgets to come in, or thinks he just has to do that something before giving up for tea/bed/kids/me, and has frequently worked on in the rain and dark to get something done that he's had a bee in his bonnet about... (no its not admirable, its bloody stupid because he makes himself ill)

    I'm just so fed up of the ext and work coming before spending time with us, but then when we argue he refuses to work on the ext (at the perfect time that he could do coz the last thing i want to do is have him huffing round the house) saying theres no point... Argh!

    I'm also fed up of having to try and find yet another reason why daddy wont play with Ollie, to try and soothe a crying toddler because his dad doesnt seem to want to spend any time with him, and thats the way it looks to Ollie.

    At the moment he lives to work, which is totally wrong, and I do think that telling him he can do x number of hours (or x number of days/afternoons) working on a or b, and then the rest of the time he needs to spend some quality time with the kids and me is infinitely better than what we get at the moment (plus I also remember being fobbed off onto aunts and uncles so my dad could go out to work as many hours as he could, and we never saw him and I don't want my kids growing up like that, OH has said the same, he doesn't want his kids growing up with him not around much like his dad was with him, but then he goes and does the exact same as his dad anyway...)

    Anyhoo, I hope my ramblins have made some sort of sense?

    xx
  • I think its improtant to sort out a budget and keeping bills low etc.

    When my dd was young I rememeber having a number of discussions/talks with oh about being annoyed with his lack of time spent with lo & doing jobs etc. However, he did say something once which I guess I just yook for granted and didnt really think about it.
    At the time i wasnt self-employed, and went from working full time to having my dd with no mat leave in between. I kinda expected him to help out around the house when he got home from work and w/es.

    He quite rightly pointed out that he leaves for work around 715am and doesnt return home until 6pm or later. He works a min of 40hrs a week and his job doesnt pay overtime. In addition his work can be stressful at times, which I totally understand, along with ahving to do work w/es and night shifts. I guess I appreciated the fact he goes to work and brings in the money but not enough. So when he gets home he just wants a cup of tea and food and time to relax.

    Now I don't bug him to do things, but he is incharge of the DIY in the house. I do expect him to do simple things but not the household chores.

    With my husband, I ahve noticed that he is alot better with our dd now she is older. He tends not to put her to bed etc unless im out, but once in a while he will do it if im busy. His father is very much a non hands on dad who worked as a farmer whilst his wife was the housewife and mother.

    I personally wouldnt dictate when he should and shouldnt be working etc, but just ask that he spends some time with his children during the week after work even if its just to read them a couple fo stories before bed. He probably doesnt realise that the children get upset. Maybe repeat what he has said in the past about wanting to be there for his children. Maybe you could speak to your children and ask them what they enjoy doing with daddy. Then make sure daddy spends some time playing with them at the w/es.

    Have you tried going out for a morning and leaving your children with him? It forces him to look after them and entertain them. I have done that once in a while and when I have got home the house might look a tip as in no dishwasher loaded, toys everywhere etc. But he is intereacting with our dd and she is happy.

    In terms of showing his love, we arent a couple who spends money on things for eachother apart from birthdays and Christmas. Flowers are usually a lovely bunch from the garden which for me shows thought has gone into it. Just simple things like cooking tea on a Sunday wihtout being asked, making me a cup of tea in bed the mornings, offering to do something for me. It also nice to be given kisses and cuddles rather than the other way round. Whenever he calls to say he has finished work, he always ends the call with Love you, even if its an answer phone message.

    I guess its the little things that you appreciate that shows he cares about you. I wouldnt ask him to change too much at once, just bit by bit...you know what men are like! It probably wont happen instantly, but I would also do your best not to nag at him. I know it used to annoy my oh and if anything he would ignore or not answer me on purpose! Speak to him how you would like to be spoken to, if you feel your going to have a go take a deep breathe. It does help and prevents any silly argument from occuring over something petty.
    Sorry for the long rambling post. xxx

  • I personally wouldnt dictate when he should and shouldnt be working etc, but just ask that he spends some time with his children during the week after work even if its just to read them a couple fo stories before bed. He probably doesnt realise that the children get upset. Maybe repeat what he has said in the past about wanting to be there for his children. Maybe you could speak to your children and ask them what they enjoy doing with daddy. Then make sure daddy spends some time playing with them at the w/es.

    Have you tried going out for a morning and leaving your children with him? It forces him to look after them and entertain them. I have done that once in a while and when I have got home the house might look a tip as in no dishwasher loaded, toys everywhere etc. But he is intereacting with our dd and she is happy.



    He never picks up a book unless I ask him to read to the kids, and refuses to put them to bed if I'm in the house. He knows the children get upset, but it doesn't seem to bother him (on the outside at least and he never acts like it does) if he ever rings Ollie tries to get the phone off me to talk to him, but he spends 5 seconds saying hi Ollie bye Ollie, he has to be reminded to say bye to him when leaving the house let alone giving him the hug Ollie is asking him for (in a loud voice so he cant miss it!)

    I've left him alone with them before and it was the complete opposite of what your OH does - he's spent all morning/afternoon outside working, and the children have the TV on and are usually screaming at each other and fighting by the time I get back. When asked what he's done with the kids he proudly tells me they've played happily on their own while he's got on with what he wants to do. :cry: or he's asleep on the couch while they play around him. (If outside he has a window open so he can shout at them to behave if they start fighting/screaming...)
    One of his favourite things at the moment is pestering me to get them to go down for a nap so either a. he can go for a nap or b. he can go and do some work, then he doesn't feel guilty for not spending time with the kids because they're asleep...

    We have this row/conversation every three months or so, so I honestly don't see the whole 'ask him to spend more time with the kids' etc is or will ever work, because to put it bluntly it hasn't in the last 18 months. His attitude is that because he gets to come home for lunch for an hour and then gets home an hour before bed I should be greatful because " a lot of daddies dont even bother with their kids that much" - my argument, he's not really bothering with his kids during those times either because he's either eating, sleeping or shot outside to do something that he's been dying to do all th time he's been at work..

    He honestly hasn't got a proper clue what it is like looking after them because he has never done it all on his own, there's always (conveniently) been something he can feed them ready made (or he uses a jar, at 3yrs and 15 months old... :\? ) and he just doesn't seem to like looking after them.. ifyswim? Don't get me wrong, they're not neglected in any way, but if he has had to come inside to keep them happy he gives me grief for it as though I've purposely told them to be naughty to stop him going outside...
    *sigh*
    He didn't bother coming home in time tonight anyway, so I guess I'll have to wait until the kids are in bed thursday night now. Trying not to do it while the kids are up because i hate the air around him when you try to even talk to him, he refuses to acknowedge he might be in the wrong in any way, and I'm working tomorrow night.


    xxx
  • Oh my goodness icecreamlover-how on earth do you put up with that?!! I wish I had some good suggestions but it sounds like you've got mountain to climb to get him to be the husband and daddy that you and your children deserve. It sounds like you're raising your children alone-not acceptable! Grrr, sorry I'm just really angry on your behalf!

    I hope your husband realises that he needs to change and soon, he's missing out on their childhoods and I know I'd grow to resent him if my husband acted like that. I think it has to come from him or you'll run yourself ragged trying to get him to act appropriately.

    Big hugs, I hope he see's sense xx
  • my god I think i'll stop moaning at my hubby as he's a saint compared to some of these!! sorry no offence!

    My hubby does most of the cooking so I take that for granted!! but we often leave little notes for each other around the house, I came in from work the other day and he'd left a note on every step going upstairs, saying I love you claireabelle!! albeit with one of my lipsticks!!!

    he lets me have a lie in on a sunday and i'll hear him go into lo's room and say sshh now let mummy have a nice lie in!!

    we'll often text each other through out the day to say i love you - that means a lot

    and next week is our 10th wedding anniversary and we are skint so he's taking me down to our local beach at 5pm (time we got married) and we are just going to take a bottle of wine and get a bag of chips to share and sit of the sand and reminisce for an hour - that was his idea and I thinks its so sweet.

    I think I'm the guilty party here and should show my hubby how much I love him a bit more!!!
  • Couldn't read and run, I don't know how you are feeling although I do sympathize with you and can completely understand why you feel like you do.

    It seems I am one of the lucky few and like claire a belle my OH does a hell of a lot more to show he loves me than I do for him - although he wouldn't agree image

    I think you really need to sit down and talk with your OH, i know you have tried but you really need to force him to listen to you and communicate with you. Have you ever thought about counselling? I know people tend to hate the thought of going but maybe if you just suggested it - might shock him into doing more?

    They always say you can't change a person, you just have to love them for who they are, i hope in this case that is wrong - i hope you can make him see sense and help you and support you because you deserve it!

    As for ways that my OH shows me he loves me - there are hundreds and very few need any money used on them, and I certainly don't need to ask him to show our lo that he loves her!

    He works shift work and if he is doing a late shift he will get up with Lily in the morning, feed her, change her and play with her until I get up and when I do get up I get a cup of coffee or tea and my breakfast made for me (even if its just a bowl of cereal it's the thought behind it)...

    If he is working an early shift he gets up and whilst he is getting ready he sterilises the bottles and makes up lily's first feed and brings it upstairs for me - i get a little bit extra sleep and when Lily wakes up everything is ready. I always make sure to wave goodbye to him out of the window when he is going to work image

    He is absoloutely besotted with Lily and loves to hold her, cuddle her, play with her, feed her and read to her and she loves him too - when they are together, just seeing how he is with her, makes me love him even more *mushy* He helps me out round the house - i do the ironing/hoovering, he does the cooking/puts the washing on. We are a pretty equal partnership and he is always telling me he appreciates me, thanks me for looking after our daughter and shares everything with me - from a chocolate bar to his favourite book.

    Once a month i wake up to find a chocolate bar, can of red bull and a copy of Ideal Homes magasine and a Wedding magasine on the side with a little note to say 'enjoy' image it doesn't cost the earth although it does take away from our budget but it is very appreciated.

    We work out a budget together although we do need to sit down and reevaluate what we are spending our money on - we seem to be going through it at a spectacular pace and seeing as we are living on one wage whilst i am a stay at home mum we can't afford to do that!

    He is a part of my family in a massive way, my sisters see him as their brother, my brother went to school with him and all of my family love him - he is always getting our mums cheap bunches of flowers when he has an extra couple of quid in his pocket, when he sees books or dvds that he knows my sisters would like he picks them up and he always sits with my youngest sisters and helps them with their homework - that to me is another way to show that he loves 'me' because they are so important to me image

    Sorry for the rambling, theres so much more I could say but i've already written you an essay!

    Alex
    xxx
  • Alex - we spent over a year in counselling! with the promises of yes he'll sort it, look at things from the kids perspective etc etc etc...

    He's waiting on some personal counselling for himself to work out if the way he is stems from the way his dad was with him and the way his mum and dad split up... but he wont ring up and chase it up. :roll:

    Am just so tired of it all. He managed to get out of having a talk last night by going out to pool early and coming home late.
    I'm working tonight, so it looks like it'll be tomorrow night.

    (and I've got sat night off work, 1st one off in the last 9 of them, and he's planned to go on a mates stag do rather than spend it with me.)
  • I'm sorry you're feeling so down babes, my OH can be very inconsiderate at times but all in all, I know he cares for me which I'm sure is the same for you. Think we just have men with old fashioned values! Haha

    on saying that, my OH is amazing with ds and can happily play with him and look after him without me. I even asked him if he would be ok looking after him sat whilst I went to the pictures with my friend and he said to ds 'yay baby and daddy time!' which I found amazing.

    The biggest thing OH does that shows me he loves me is sticking up for me when his family are at me for something.

    He also helps clean and cook and if asked would do anything for ds, and because he is such a doting dad this makes me love him so much more

    one weekend, I had decided to finally finish a glass of wine for once and ended up physically shaking and feeling sick the next day. Ds went for his first nap and I came literally crawling back to bed at 10.30am and whined to oh (on his only day off that week) that I felt crap. I woke up 3 hours later totally unoblivious to the fact that he had got up with ds and I could hear them giggling downstairs.

    The things that show me he loves me are just when he CONSIDERS me before doing something as that shows he cares.

    I hope you and your oh share some snuggles soon!
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