OH is leaving!

Hello
Well my husband has decided he has had enough of this life and is leaving! And to top it all he blaims me. Let me tell you what has been going on and see how it looks to you guys...

He works away for 2 months at a time then usually home for a month, but sometimes has to go back early. He left when lo was 3 weeks old and came back when he was 3 months. It has been the hardest year ever for me learning about a baby and bringing him up to a gorgeous healthy 1 year old now. I absolutely adore him and we have a very close bond. Everytime oh comes home it takes a week usually for lo to get used to him and oh has a problem with how clingy he is to me at these times.

He was back 2 days this week and then on the third day said we were finished because I make him feel like a spare part, he doesnt get a look in, doesnt bascially get the same attention he used to and well...the big thing is sex. He said we used to rip each others clothes off 24/7 and now if we dont have it for 1 day, he is in a huge sulk the next day and until we do it again! Bare in mind we still have it 6 days out of 7 but because it is not as adventurous as it once was and I dont have quite the same enthusiasm, well thats the end of the world and basically the demise of our marriage! The more I think about it and write it down, the more annoyed I am. I cant believe he is so selfish and is giving up his family for the sake of a bit of sex and attention on him! He cant handle the change and says I love lo too much and am too obsessed by him. He seems to forget we have had to get on with things alone and I have subconsciously perhaps made up for 2 parents...oh dear...crime of the century...surely its better that I have showered him with love in the absence of his daddy.

He has gone away for the weekend now to see a friend. I feel ok and this has made me see him for his true colours now. I also think hang on, I should be leaving you not this way round. I have never pressured him into giving up his work away and just got on with things as best I can. And this is the thanks I get! He also does very little with lo...I think when he gets in the door he should be wanting to do everything with lo but no. He thinks it is 'wierd' to bath his own baby may I add!

He also said I will be really nice and chatty with him and give him a cuddle then might not again for 4 hours! Can you believe he is counting?! Excuse me for looking after, feeding, changing etc lo.

I have made an effort by agreeing to go to a hotel for the night with him but that was supposed to be last night and well, we never even got there. I didnt want to as find it hard to leave lo, but still do when he is home as know some time is important. But nothing was enough and he cant take the change.
So thats it basically. I cant believe it really. I am so gutted that I had to find a guy who would end up like this ... I dont know whats going to happen from here but will keep you posted...

Thanks for reading x
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  • I'm no relationship expert but sounds to me like he hasn't bonded with your lo due to working away so much and is obviously jealous. Did he really want this baby......trying to beat around the bush here but was your lo planned? Just wondering if he's still not got used to having your lo.
    He's treating like you a possesiion with the not having sex problem and holding you to ransom over it.
    I do think you do need time alone with him to have a good talk and try to get to the bottom of things. Can a relative or good friend have your lo for a couple of hours?
    Otherwise if he really isn't interested and you feel like you've had enough of his emotional blackmail then cut your losses and let him go if that's what he wants. He'll probably only come crawling back anyway!
    hth? xx
  • He actually was the one who said to me about trying for a baby! Thats the mad thing about it all. We are going into town together tomorrow to do a few jobs but I know he wont talk. He will be expecting me to crawl to him...and that wont be happening. We have every evening together too as lo in bed by 7pm but that still isnt enough. He basically hasnt adjusted to a change in our life like most husbands do and moslty again because he isnt around. And he isnt willing to make any sacrifices to accomodate our new family.
  • No advice but hope things go ok tomorrow.

    xx
  • Oh hun, really dont know what to say. Sounds to me like he is being very selfish and childish to consider throwing his marriage away just because you dont have sex as much as you used to. Having a baby is a major change and I think hardly any couples have it as much once the baby arrives! Me and my hubby used to have it 4 or 5 times a week, now we're lucky if its once or twice but it doesnt mean we love each other any less, we're both just tired and appreciate it when we do find the time and energy!
    It sounds to me like you've done a brilliant job raising your lo practically alone, your a fantastic mum and its only natural your lo is clingy to you. My baby is 6 months old and he see's his dad every day for a few hours and still if he's tired its me he wants!
    I dont really know what else to say except that this is his problem, not yours. You can obviously be a brilliant parent without his help so if he does decide to go its his loss!
    xxx
  • Well today was a disaster. We went to town then got some lunch and had a chat. He still blaims me for everything and went onto so many random topics. Then started on about how much money he could give us. selling the house and so on! I am now so shocked and upset. I cant believe the way he is being and so blunt about such things! He cant leave it alone for a day to let the dust settle a little. I am not agreeing to anything yet. I cant believe how flippant he is being. I am in a total panic now about money and the house etc!
  • I'm so sorry to hear things aren't going well. Sometimes people (not just men!) can be pricks, sounds like he thought he was mature enough for a family but isn't. He's behaving like a baby- tell him not to worry about finances as you're sure the court will award you the house and a fair chunk of his wage.
  • Oh no, sorry he is being like that. I'm sure him saying those things is probably the worst part! Do you think he's trying to get a reaction from you? Maybe he thought you'd beg him to stay etc? Big hugs. xxx
  • This sounds awful, can't imagine what your going through.
    Only advice is definitely don't agree to anything yet and definitely seek solicitor's advice asap. CAB are there to help and there are loads of organisations for lone parents.
    Good luck xox
  • hi hun. Firstly i just want to tell you it sounds like you've done such a fantastic job dealing with your OH working away. I personally could never cope if my hubby had to work away. You should be very proud of yourself for bringing up your son pretty much alone even though youre technically not a single parent.

    To me it sounds like your hubby has made up his mind, but is putting the blame onto you because he hasn't got the balls to admit that he hasn't bonded with his son. I may just be reading between the lines but it's possible that your hubby is upset by the fact he doesn't have that closeness with his son, perhaps he feels like he's failed him in some ways by not being there enough? This would be hard for anybody to admit. He could be using the sex issue as a bit of an excuse for underlying issues. as lack of sex is no reason to end a marriage, especially when there are children involved.

    Perhaps your hubby deep down feels he should leave because he's not done a good enough job in areas like being a daddy? And he's picking faults with your relationship to make it easier for him to cut the ties?

    I think a big long heart to heart is in order. though i'm sure you've probably done lots of talking. Perhaps your hubby should re-consider his line of work? I know thats a huge change no doubt, but it would give him the chance to re-build a relationship with your little boy?

    I believe your OH probably loves you both very much but feels he's distance from you both has closed a few doors and built boundries. he may not be able to see that these can be broken with time, and if he gave himself chance to re-adjust he could do.

    Blokes tend not to be so good at the mushy soppy stuff, so he may not want to show a vulnerable side of him by discussing his feelings properly with you.

    I say keep up what your doing by not crawling to him, be there for him but don't allow him to put you down in anyway, give him oppertunity to talk but without pressure. I hope he can open up to you hun and that you can sort this out, i really feel for you. sorry i have rambled on a lot!

    linzi XX
  • Gosh LinziMc, your good! You should do this advice thing for a living...everything you have all said is pretty accurate I think. Yes I think he has wanted a reaction from me. He didnt get it initially then the next day said 'i cant believe you haveny even cried...shows how much you care'...I told him I had actually but didnt need him to see that. And th whole lack of sex thing, thats the crazy thing. He doesnt get it for so long as he works away. Then when hes home we still have it 6 out of 7 nights! But the 1 night that is missed, thats what he sulks about!

    He wont give up his work for the moment I know that. And yes I think he does realise he has missed our enormously with his son. And perhaps he is blaiming all of that on me. But I still cant believe this is happening. He has been on the phone to the mortgage people today trying to find out what can be done! He has an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow although he said this is just for advice and will tell me all that is said. I will be going to CAB for sure. I am so upset that he has turned out this way., I thought we were together for ever. But he has turned out to be a jealous selfish pig.

    Sorry to rant...good to get it all done though. Thanks x
  • Hi im sorry he is being such an arse.

    You have done a fab job but im pleased to hear you are going to CAB. it might be worth you seeing a solicitor as well as i dont mean to be bleak but i dont think you can trust him anymore and you need to protect yours n lo's interest.

    good luck
  • Sorry, you are clearly having a horrible time, I think you should call his bluff, get your legal info all in line, find out what you are entitled to and make it clear that you understand he means business - and so do you. I wonder if he would be so hasty if he thought that you were able to act on this as quickly as he was. And definately tell him what you think of this behaviour - he is a grown man not a teenager.

    Best of luck
    x
  • I really think you should get some legal advice asap too as things could be agreed which you may regret at a later date (have experience of this). You can usually get the first hour free so make the most of it and find out where you stand so if he comes back and says all sorts you at least know if true or not xx
  • Definatly get advice from a solicitor or your local CAB so you know where you stand.

    Hope things improve.

    xxx
  • i dont really have any advice but im sorry hes been so damn difficult. i think linzi has prob hit the nail on the head but like alot of fellas actually doesnt have any balls. also point out to him 6 out of 7 aint bad - i feel quite bad for my oh now hes lucky if he gets it twice a month.lol. he may change his mind when he calms down and grows up. he cannot expect lo to go running to him when hes been away for months. bloody men.xxx
  • hi hun, my oh is totally the same. It's so frustrating, and upsetting. Gabe wasn't planned and he blames it on this. Sometimes he is great with Gabe (only playing though - not much of the hard stuff), other times he moans about doing the slightest thing.

    I have left him many times but always go back. I don't know why as he doesn't show me much affection. When I read what other women on here's husbands & partners are like I feel like crying, cos mine is so insensitive. If I'm upset about something or worried about Gabe he'll tell me to shut up and pull myself together.

    I haven't got much advice, but I agree with Linzi, she pretty much said it all. *hugs*

    xxx

  • i would have told him to get stuffed what did he think was going to happen when the baby came along that you would be able to keep everything the same with him and ignore the babys need. he also really should want to be with the lo as soon as he gets in, the first thing my hubby dose is get out of his suit then plays with the kids intill they are ready for bed. he has never bathed them but not because he finds it weird its because he dosnt trust himself not to drop them, the only time he has was when i had surgery on my hands but by then the older two were 2 and 5 and charlie wasn't around then
  • Tigerlilly, I know what you mean. I feel like crying when I read how much other peoples men do for their lo's...I thought he would be like this but guess I was wrong.
  • sorry hav no advice but u are doin a fantastic job. when we had our 1st it was ok but wen i fell preg wit dd2 it all fell apart so i kinda no wot u mean, although he grew up n regretted al he did and now things r beta he still hardly gets attention or sex now i'v got a 26mon old and 5mon old girls.
    Keep ur kool, n don giv in. Try to stay on top of it all, trust me he'll cum round n things will be in ur terms. (talking from experience)
    Goodluck n we r here for you
  • id go with the other girls on this one.

    i had a nasty split from my ex of 5 years, no kids involved tho, but i called his bluff, but id already made my mind up that id had enough, no nookie for over 2 years, he was stoned all the time, watched porn and played on his xbox from the moment he got home from work til 2 or 3am when he'd crawl in to bed. i contacted solicitors, started house hunting, took him through the mill for my 50% of the equity in the house and left. it really hit him hard, but i also think it teached him a lesson about looking after his future girlfriends/partners.

    id speak to CAB, get a solicitor involved (or mediator as they are cheaper), and look as though you are sorting things out to go ahead and be on your own, it may shock him in to appreciating just how much of a fantastic wife he has (because god knows i would not be able to cope if my oh worked away!!) and maybe spur him into building a relationship with his son.

    please please please make sure that he keeps contact with his son tho, even if you do go your separate ways, as so many kids are psychologically damaged these days through absent parents through no fault of the custodial parent....it breaks my heart to hear of parents who "dont want their kids" .... my sisters dad kicked us all out when she was 2 months old, shes now 13 and hasnt seen him in over 12 years.....its so sad.

    good luck tho, i really hope you find the strength to deal with all of this, we're all here for you if you need to vent

    xx
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