Why didnt this happen to me? am i normal?

Replies

• pickle3

  Jul 30, 2008 4:21AM

  I didnt get it either but it doesnt mean i love my little man any less, i just had a different experiance too. After my LO was born i couldnt even look at him, i just couldnt stop crying. i remember everything just being quite surreal around me and all i could do was cry! my SIL (she was my birthpartner along with OH) kept saying 'do you want to hold him' an all i could say was no and burst into tears again...all i wanted was a cuddle from oh! (but i didnt even get one as he was too busy being mesmarised by our new baby! for about an hour after i couldnt look at him without crying, i didnt want to look at him, hold him, nothing. i thought there was something wrong with me but weeks after i read that this was because of the hormones rushing around after the birth. Once everyone went home (not long after) i was on my own with him on the ward and still then everytime he cried, i cried...i just couldnt help it, i was a complete emotional wreck!!!
  Think everyones different but whatever way is normal and i dont think it makes us bad or any worse for not having that .
  xxxx

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• ccbmommy

  Jul 30, 2008 4:35AM

  I can't remember having "a rush of love" for Charlotte - I think I was still getting over the shock of giving birth for the 1st time! Which I think is exactly the same for you sunnymum. But just like you love Harri to bits I love Charlotte and would lay down my life for her in an instant!
  
  Just because you didn't have an overwhelming rush of love instantly does not mean you don't love Harri. If you didn't love or care for him then why have you posted this thread....!!? It's because you love him so much and this love you will have for him is special as it's just between you & him and if you have any more children then it will be the same for them. Please do not worry about it. You are perfectly normal!
  
  In fact I can remember at my ante-natal class the midwife said that many mums do not feel an instant love/bond for their babies because of the shock of giving birth and they have to almost learn to love this new person that will depend on them - and she said it was perfectly normal too!!

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• JunieMummy

  Jul 30, 2008 4:43AM

  I didnt have this rush of love straight away either, with any of my boys. Mine came wen i was first alone on the ward with them. Dont worry about it too much as im sure ur a brilliant mummy and u already said urself u love him more that anything, so harri is a v lucky boy to have u as a mummy. )
  
  Elaine and boys xx

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• MrsBarnes

  Jul 30, 2008 4:47AM

  I can't remember having a rush of love for my daughter Marissa, I knew I loved her and I would fight to protect her. I had PND and I am a strong believer of not saying "I love you" if I don't mean it and when she was 9 weeks old she gave me a look and that's when I felt a really fierce emotion of love, protection and pride and I looked at her and said I love you so much baby through my tears. I was crying because it caught me off guard.
  My ex was so proud of me, I text him after it happened, he was proud because he knows when I say "I love you" I really mean it.
  
  My husband is a fantastic daddy to my daughter, he has brought her up as his own from her being 9 months old and he said I had done a good job of bringing her up as a lone parent .
  
  I think giving birth is so tiring and my experience of chatting to other mum's it's more common to feel that rush of love weeks or months after birth. One mum had the rush of love when her son was 2 after he got ill. So no, you are not being cold hearted or mean, just normal
  
  Dolina xx xx
  6+2

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• gsmummy55

  Jul 30, 2008 5:40AM

  I do feel guilty sometimes as I love him so much, but I never feel like I could watch him sleeping for hours like some mums say they can do. I dont really understand that at all!! I did feel the rush of love when he was born tho...but I'd say its normal not to as well. Don't feel bad, the important thing is that Harri is fed, clean, and happy and that mummy is happy 2!
  

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• Hannahmummyto2

  Jul 30, 2008 7:15AM

  i think its normal not to get that rush of love, everyone is different and doesnt mean you love your child anymore or any less its just one of those things.
  i was one of those mothers who watched her baby sleep and scrunch up their face for 8 hours untill oh came back to hosp the next morning, i couldn't keep my eyes off of her i was truley amazed by her. but not everyone is like that and your not expected to be.
  you know you love your baby and thats all that matters x

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• jellyfishpink

  Jul 30, 2008 7:36AM

  I never felt the rush of love. They put her on chest and I was quite ahppy for her to be passed to her daddy. They took me to theatre straight after she was born and I don't think this helped. In recovery they brought her to me and put her on the bed next to me. I still didn't feel that rush. I don't feel it now, but I do love her. I can't quite explain how I feel. I love her, but just never had that rush.
  
  xxx

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• pen-37297

  Jul 30, 2008 9:46AM

  hi, this happened after i had my 2nd baby, i had a rough pregnancy and was in and out of hospital with hiugh blood pressure then it developed into pre eclampsia so i was on bed rest from 36 weeks in hospital until i reached 38 weeks to be induced. i was os down. then when i had oliver i was so glad all was ok and he was here safely but i felt no pang of love for him like i did with my first baby.
  i felt bad for feeling like this and felt abnormal, but you know somethingnow me and oliver are so close, he nearly 8 years old now. i put it down to the stress i had in pregnancy with my personal circumstances and then with the pre eclampsia, it topped it all off.
  so don't feel alone in the way you feel. it can be normal. hope you feel in time that you are normal. take care.xxxx

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• Benjismummy

  Jul 30, 2008 10:17AM

  When Benji was first born i was asked if i wanted to hold him and i said no!i still feel bad about this now when i think back!but i had lost alot of blood was slighty in shock i think and couldnt stop crying..i was also taken down to theatre to be stitched almost right away so i didnt really see Ben till an hour later,then i couldnt move properly and i did hold him but didnt feel a wave of love!as i couldnt get in and out of bed to attend to him,he ended up being taken into the nursery in Hospital as he was crying and being sick alot so i didnt get to bond with him our first night either and i remember laying in the Hospital bed crying most of night!dont even know why looking back!
  The first wave of love came a week or so afterwards,its just me and Ben,dad and i seperated before he was born,now it comes everytime i look at him!
  I think its normal to not feel this overwhelming love right away,though of course some mothers do!its just what is expected of you and because you dont always you feel this is wrong!

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• TheOriginalLea77

  Jul 30, 2008 1:56PM

  I thought I was wierd for not getting that rush of love after my first baby was born. I knew that I must love her as I wanted to take care of her, but had bad experience in hospital after having her and just felt that we didn't bond very well. The first 6 weeks were really tough. But the thing is as she got older and I got to know her better we became so much closer and that love grew over time. Now I don't think it's strange, I know it can just take time. In a way it's like any new relationship, you need a bit of time to get to know the other person!
  
  When I had my second baby I was scared of same thing happening, but I had a great stay in hospital with a very supportive mw and lots of time to gbet to know Evie. I felt a million times happier after my second birth, which does make me feel a bit guilty but I know Lily won't remember that I felt distant from her at first and I love them both exactly the same now.
  
  xxx

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• sillymoo

  Jul 30, 2008 2:44PM

  It's such a relief to read all these posts as I always thought I was different as I never felt a rush of love when they passed lo to me, I just felt relieved that she was ok and tired and in pain (had c section).
  LO then had colic for first 3 months and it took me a long time to bond properly with her, I had a stressful pregnancy an unexpected c section and had to return to work after 3 weeks so found things a little surreal and to be honest Maddie never truely felt like my baby until she was 6 months.
  She is 1 next week and I have just been diagnosed with PND so no doubt this did not help but I have always felt as if I let her down and was not good enough for her as I did not have this amazing rush of love that you hear about.
  
  I would just like to thank everyone for posting on this subject as it has really made me feel better about myself.
  
  THANK YOU !!

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• justmarried

  Jul 30, 2008 3:01PM

  Sunnymum - I am probably the last person you want to hear from because of the other day but I hope that we can move on from all that?
  
  I just wanted to reassure you that I think it's common not to have that 'rush'. i think films and the mystery of birth make us women feel like that is going to happen and then when it doesn't we worry that there is something wrong with us. Perhaps it has contributed to your PND? It certainly has mine.
  
  I can totally connect with the lady of twins as my boy was on life support and separated from me for 4 days (different hospitals). I had a photo of him 24 hrs after he was born. Yet because I had a crash c section and they knocked me out, and didn't allow hubby into theatre nobody saw him born. SO one minute I was pregnant, the next waking up with an empty body and no baby to show for it. The only woman on the ward with no baby. We were told that he may not make it, and for 2 weeks told that we won;t know the extent of the damage (brain). Glad to say he pulled through,although he is still under the care of the hospital. So I definately understand not bonding. For weeks I felt nothing for him, didn't recognise him, couldn;t cope etc and never had that chance for the 'rush of love'. But 6 months on I am getting there.
  
  I think we shouldn't be hard on ourselves ladies. That moment of love isn't a moment. I think it's an ongoing thing, like falling in love.
  
  Sorry to go on, and sorry if you didn't want me to post sunnymum, but I think even facing your isues is really brave and honest and I think lots o people are glad that you started this post x

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• gsmummy55

  Jul 30, 2008 3:06PM

  I feel for the ladies seperated from lo's at birth. OH mum was in a coma for 5 days after nearly dying of pre-eclampsia and an emerg c/s under general. She said she knew she loved my sil, deep down, but never felt anything for her, and didnt cuddle or play with her...just did the basics. She is 23 now and they have a great relationship really close.

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• sunnymum22

  Jul 30, 2008 3:18PM

  Justmarried-dont be daft hun! of course i want you to post! its all forgoten about now, Never happened lol! Dont ever feel like you cant post! Thanks for your take on things!
  xxxx

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• nothappywithbeingchanged

  Jul 30, 2008 4:18PM

  hi hun i lost my first three babies n my first live birth baby i did feel the love immediately but with my daughter i didnt it wasnt that i didnt love her i knew she needed me n id never let anthing bad happen to her but she didnt feel mine! it was a hard labour she was 10lb 11oz n i had her with no working pain relief they tried an epi but it just didnt do anything she was also back to back. i was v ill afterwards with an infection n i think that this made it worse. i adore my little girl it happened slowly but when she was 6weeks old i was putting her to bed n all of a sudden i got that rush n i cried n held her i was so relived. with my youngest boy it was an instant rush again n that made me feel really guilty about my daughter. it does get better hun hang in there n talk about it as often as u can dont let it build up n get out of hand xxxxxxxx i hope it gets easier for you soon xxxxxx

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• ItMustBeLove

  Jul 30, 2008 5:33PM

  Hiya Chick - lol wonder if it was my posst that triggered your thoughts... I defo felt that rush of love - lol only way i can explain it was like being injectected and you just fill up.. however I am a VERY emotional person at the best of times and think my hormones rule me!
  
  I really prepared myself for not feeling anything for him when he was born.. and spoke to friends about the pre birth feelings of no knowing this little person who was going to demand so much from me and take over my life..
  
  I do love him.. I did get that rush.. but to be completely honest most of the time I (prob like most other first time mum's) am on auto piolet.. I try to keep the house okayish tidy wise (failing misrabley) I try to make sure there is a bottle for his next feed, I try to express milk as he gets far to impation but want him to have my milk.. I still walk round in a daze looking like SH1T and burst into tears washing up because my body has been completely tramtised.. or spend an hour crying on the sofa 'just because' feeling helpless and hopeless.. wishing at night that he'd just sleep till morning just so that I could have enought sleep to help me cope/get thru the next day.. but he doesn't .. and I get up in my zombie state listening to his little cry's of 'ma-ma-ma' at two weeks old in the dead of night and try to change another dirty nappy.. try to get wind up that wont shift..
  
  aparently.. this is normal...
  
  I honestly feel that rush of love is a chemical rection in the body.. and is not the same as the deep set love we are all developing for our little ones as we invest ourselves into the little people we created.. that kind of true deep uncondional love doesn't happen in the flash of a pan i'm sure.. and as each day passes we get to know this new person lol who has taken over our life and begine to fall in love forever! xxx
  
  to me thats what real love is any way! xx

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