Another MIL rant, but desprately needs support

I have to admit that i havent been here alot, what i never wrote before, is that i have been struggling with PND since the birth of my adorable lo.
i had a rough pregnancy (not rougher than most actually), really suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum and was on medications and iv fluids, had a blood problem and had to take anti coagulant injections everyday and aspirin, , sciatica, then pre-eclampsia and hospitalised for induction, then suddenlt foetal distress and emergency c-section. Right afterwrads i struggled with BF which i was desperate for, i really wanted to BF, but my lo was toosmall and weak to latch on, we tried everything, but the nurses in the hospital were not supportive and they gave her a bottle immediately and she never took my breast afterwrads. I ended up expressing my milk, for the first 12 weeks i was pumping almost every 2 hours, so no BF, and i felt i missed out alot of time with my lo. PND showed when i felt absolutely nothing towards my daughter, and i felt so guilty for that because i had a mmc before and i was desperate to get pregnant, i felt like an unfit mother and guilty towards her, and felt that she would be better off without me. I cried for no reasons at all almost all of the time, all that without admitting it.
Things started to get better when she was 12 weeks old, only to find out that we have to move (i live in Germany with my german OH that i totally adore), my oh took 3 weeks off, and instead of trying to enjoy it together he decides to visit his parents, and then tells me that he couldnt find an apartment yet so i must stay with them for 2 months untill he does, (he didnt want me to fly home as he thinks lo is too young to fly)
I used to have a very good relationship with mil, but then at my stay with them i found out how controlling and interfering she is, my lo suffered from colic most of the time, and mil then suggests that perhaps MY milk is disturbing my daughter and that we have to give her artificial milk (after all the trouble i go through, pain and time and effort she dares tells me THAT), she then holds my daughter all the time she and FIL , and dare to tell me that we should have turns in carrying MY daughter, (errrrrrrrrr noooooo, i am the mother i am supposed to be with my daughter most of the time), when i pump, i really dont feel comfportable doing it infront of others, my boobs are out there, it is not so discrete as bf, ao i end up most of the times sitting in a room alone pumping, and she would enter the room and ask me for milk for my daughter so that she feeds her.

She wouldnt accept any thing i say about my lo, my daughter cries, so i say she is hungry, then my mil insists that my lo wants to be held, and for the next 10 minutes i have to put up with my daughters screams as my MIL cariies her and runs with her through the house, she then tells me proudly that she would help ME with a tip (as if she knows my own lo better than me) that my daughter would sleep immediately when she is holding someones finger. I was furious, but told her calmly please dont do that, i want my daughter yto learn to self settle, and she was sleeping fine before we came. Needless to say, i eneded up telling her that at least 3 times, and then entered the room to find her with her finger stuck in my dauh=ghters hand, so i begged her not to do that and explained why, she thenn looks at my lo and tells her, you poor baby, your mom doesnt know what is best for a baby.

I bought my lo suchg a cute little dress, that we (oh, and even fil) love, she then gives me a face as if she is going to throw up and tells me that We imn Germany dont dress up pur daughter in dressed they wear pants. Errrrrrrr, where the hell did i buy thatdress from, from Germany.
She interferes with everything, making comments how i dont want to give my daughter food (she was 18 weeks and i wanted to wait untill she is at least 21 weeks), how should i cleant the house, making implications that my house is not clean, making very offensive comments on my body. Even asking other mommies (right infront of me as if i am not there) about a nursing bra for me so that breasts dont sag and i would play football with it later image she even made copies of the feeding plan my HV gave me for her own personal USE. She also makes some not very nice comments on my religion.

Needless to say my PND came back with a revenge, and my oh finally found an apartment, they came with me to help us unpack(nice i knbow) only to be faced with comments how dirty the microwave is (errrrrrrrrrr, your son was using it as i was busy throwing up lady), i even found her 10 minutes after i made my los cupboard rearrangin it the way SHE thinks is best and making a comment that i am LAZY to be putting the diapers on the changing table instead of inside the cupboard.
we then went to visit them 3 weeks later (mu oh bless him) for 2 days to be faced with a riot while i was giving my lo her lunch at how me (the evil mom) is forcing my lo to eat, and that she will definetly not eat tomorrow, needlessto say i didnt feed my lo those 2 days.
Now 2 weeks later, they are coming for another visit to help us with the curtains, they do alot for their son, they buy us lots of things and they pay so much for my los things. But now i am up in the middle of the night crying, dreading their visit. My oh loves his parents, and i feel guilty for feeling this way. Please tell me what to do

[Modified by: renee18 on 09 June 2010 01:22:52 ]


  • O hun. I am not sure if I can be of any help at all but I simply can not r and r.

    First of all you absolutely know what is best for your daughter and are doing one hell of a job in looking after her. There are not many people that could be that dedicated to expressing, I know I certainly couldn'tm

    Have you spoken to your OH about how you feel? Maybe he can have a quiet word with your MIL and politely tell her to back off.

    I am sorry I really am rubbish at advice but your story shows wat an absolutely fabulous mummy you are so.
  • Hello hun, maybe confide in your oh how you are feeling - you shouldn't have to deal with this on your own. You don't have to be rude about your mil, or cause upset - just tell him you are finding her a little overbearing, and that her behaviour is upsetting your's and lo's routines.

    I haven't got a mil so I don't know how this feels - but I expect she just thinks her way is right - and that she is helping you (ha ha!). I think her behaviour towards you is very bad, and I hope I never make my future daughter in laws feel like this!

    One positive thing you can do is learn to deal with your mil's comments, and take them in your stride. Make a deliberate decision not to let her upset her - imagine water off a ducks back!

    Remember that you are the mummy, putting diapers on the changing table is not lazy lol, just sensible! You are doing a fantastic job fighting through PND and expressing so your baby can have bm!! Just remember that and learn to smile and say 'mmmm' and nod and then do it your way anyway!

    Sounds like they have all worn you down a bit - but remember - they are guests in your home this time! You are a great mummy - remember that and make a positive decision not to let yourself be bullied by this woman.


  • hello

    it sounds like you OH is not aware of how you are feeling, if this is the case he really needs to know, he may be able to help, a lot of sons love their mothers so much they cannot see how they might be upsetting thier partner. i would have a talk and see what you can come up with, if they are upsetting you maybe they dont realise, it is possible they dont and if they are doing it intentionally they do need talking to as your OH should not find it acceptable for you to be treated like this, i would be tempted to pack and get on a plane even if only for a week to be with your family, it might do you good to get away from thr situation and understand everything that is going on x

    hope you find a solution
  • Hi sounds like your doing a fab job with lo & I know its hard esp when family interfere, I would say the same as others speak to your oh or your fil if you have a good relationship with him?
    I've fallen out with my fil he insults me & says what he likes all came to a head few months ago & he said i had never made him feel comfortable in our house (this coming from the man who told me I should be arrested if i breast fed in public) I now have nothing to do with oh still see's him but my life is so much easier without him in it,
    I'm not saying this is what you should do but before all of this happened i used to talk to oh about what his dad was saying doing & he would speak to him thats the only thing I can suggest or tell your mil how you feel if you feel strong enough to talk to her hope it all gets sorted the way you want it too be strong sounds like you have a lovely oh & baby xoxo
  • Hi Renee

    So good to see you about again but I really wish it was under better circumstances for you :\(

    I also have problems with my IL's so can really understand. It sounds like your MIL is an absolute nightmare and her words and actions are having a terrible affect on your PND and confidence. YOU are mummy and YOU know your baby best - not some interfering old woman who sounds like a complete control freak!

    I know your OH loves his parents and yes, they might do a lot for him but that does not give her the right to behave like this and put you down all the time and take over. Does your OH know how you feel? Does he know how much she is upsetting you? I know it might not be easy but I really think you should try and talk to him and explain what she's doing and how she's making you feel. Your OH loves you and I am sure he wouldn't want you to be treated like this and be feeling like this.

    Don't know if this would be at all possible but is there anyone (friends etc) you can go and stay with when they're due to visit again? I think it's really important that you're not put in that awful situation again. Or would your OH have a word with his mum and explain to her what she's doing? Sometimes people like that are so self absorbed they don't even see how much they're hurting people. Would she listen to your OH?

    I really hope you can find a solution and that you're feeling much better soon. You are doing a FANTASTIC jobas a mummy - there aren't many mums who would keep expressing to make sure their LO's get BM for so long. As you know I was doing this in the early days and I really do know how much hard work it is every few hours. You should be SO proud of yourself - I really admire you!

    Feel free to email me if you ever need someone to listen :\)

    Lots of love, NN and Olyvia xxx
  • well keeping inside definatley isnt going to help , i know from experience that its just glonig to build up and up and up inside you and your going to snap at the slightest thing in the end, and then the MIL is going to take this very offensive and winge to OH about how rude you were to her etc.. This is Your Baby - remeber that ! If You Do not want something done than it shall not be done even if it is your MIL - i know sounds abit OTT but sersly you know how to care for your baby & how you want her upbringing , if i were you id talk to OH ,as most these ladies have said , but then again waht we may not realize is you have spoken to OH & he has taken this to offence ( or something similar ) wich leaves you in a very difficult situation , im sure he would love to chat to his mum about this , and would not be happy if he knew what was happening during your stay with her .. if this does not work ; then hunny as a mother if you want to raise your LO withoit MIL'S interference , the best you can do is step up your own game babe . Just say something along the lines of ... " I know your my MIL & i appreciate everything your doing for me & LO and lvoe that your helping out .. but ive asked you not to do that because........... so if you cant do that can i please have LO and you can have her back when ive settled her etc.. " you;ve handled this better than i wouldve TBH im abit bitchy & i probaly would of not let the baby go if thats what it took to get it through her head, anyway hun had abit of my own Rant & Rave ... so ill love you ladies and leave yas. .. best of luck hunn - hope everything works out . keep us updated.. mwahhhhhhhhhh xx
  • I really cant express how wonderful you all are ladies, i really needed to hear (/read) words like this. No one ever tells me that i am a great mom. So thank you.
    Wif, thank you, you really made a difference by your nice words, and no your not rubbish at advice.

    Tottie, you made me laugh at "aha, mmmmmmmmmm" then do what you want, i should try that, but the problem is that it is not only word, it is actions, like rearranging the cupboard, and buying my homes curtains (really expensive so cant not use it) without taking my opinion. But you are totally right, they are guests at my home this time, and i should really be hospitable.

    piggypos, my Oh is really nice, but he is a very good son, he says oh she is trying to help and i know she can be rude sometimes but she loves US???? and she does so much for us.She also mostly does these things when he is not around. But you are also right, i am currently looking at flight offers and i think i will be flying home next month at most.

    cloclo, my fil is nice and he usually defends me and tries to make things better, she is just too much :roll: That is wonderful about you and your fil, really i think this would be my last resort too, if she becomes too offensive then i would definetly do that too.

    Thank you really ladies.
    You are all so great

    Lots of love
  • pleased we've helped a bit,like you say mines a last resort & fortunatly my oh understands why I don't want anything to do with fil although rest of family are less understanding,I really hope everything gets sorted for you & your life gets easier! nothing worse then having stress of family over you xoxo
  • NN hey, i really missed talking to you, i hope you are doing well with your gorgeous lo, my biggest problem is that i am all alone in this country, i have no family or friends, besides they are mainly coming to see Sarah and i would never stay one minute away from her and they would insist on seeing her ofcourse. the funny thing is that she also complains to my oh that i am being obssessed with my baby, and that i dont listen to her or trust her although she raised up two sons. so my poor oh, and my fil actually too, is in a bit of a corner here. thank you for your sweet words, i have never been so vulnerable but really as she was shouting that i am forcing my lo to eat i started to sweat and just couldnt do it.

    hayleetakiyah , you are simply fabulous, you absolutely drew a smile on my face, honey rant as much as you want. all of you are wonderful. i guess i am also worried about loosing my temper and then she would run crying to my oh an i end up being the bad mom. Another problem is that i actually do not trust her, she does things her way and doesnt listen to me, so i tend not to leave my lo with her, which makes her even more furious.

    Thank you ladies, perhaps you may not feel it, but reading your words really changed my mood 180 degrees, i feel so much better thanks to you.


  • Aw Renee, when I said they will be guests in your home I meant they should treat you with more respect! lol! Mind, from your other replies on here, I'm guessing maybe not?! I guess you should be hospitable too, but that's not what I was saying.

    Glad everyone has helped you out a bit here and made you feel a bit better hun, good luck!

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