Am i being a B****

My mother in law is doing my head in really badly to the point that it is all i think about.

Now part of this maybe some jealousy as she will be looking after him three days a week 7-3 when i go back to work.
But she is saving us a fortune in child care and we really couldn't cope if this wasn't the case.

However she is driving me mad in that fact that she doesn't listen to a word I say. Over the last month or two I have been spending a lot of time there so that mil gets to know lo's signs of tiredness, hunger etc and generally get him used to the house (even tho we usually went round twice a week any way). From the moment we would get there to the moment we left I would not get a look in, if i said he was tired she would carry on singng to him (wheels on the bloody bus, doing my head in), when i said he was hungry would take a good 15 mins to pass him to me as still BF. I just don't see her having his best interests at heart when i am telling her the signs and she is doing nowt about it! Hubby says it will change when she has him i don't see this!

She has about 400 friends that is not an exaggeration and she talks to them as if lo is hers, sends them photos, texts about him, is always texting me saying give a big hug to lo and that she hopes he is being good for me?? When I started weaning she said oh I was going to say you should start!!, constantly asking when i'm going to put lo in own room because it will be too dangerous soon for lo to be in his moses basket?? He isn't rolling yet or anything like that. She looked after him at mine while i went shopping, and he has a leap frog activity centre, i said he likes this so put him in it when he has had enough of his playgym. When i got back she told me he was too small for it and that she was worried about his legs getting tangled wtf?? I said he's fine in it, and she replied that he was still too small (he is not at all ).

My hubby sent her a picture of lo enjoying his food (they are on holiday at the mo) she replied saying that he had made her day and that they have missed him sooooo much (only been 10 days), and that fil had surprised her by taking a photo of lo to cornwall with them and they got it framed while there and is now on their dressing room table!! that has really annoyed me. Is it just me or would this annoy anyone else??

There have been lots and lots of situations like this and I don't know what to do, I feel like i don't have a place when i'm with her, as I know she will have LO the whole time and i don't know how to change this? For example if Lo is happily playing she will just pick him up ??
I suppose what i'm saying is I want to have the confidence to be incharge and not for her to take over, she doesn't take no for an answer!!

thanks for reading ladies think just needed to write it all down to. xx
Am i being a b****. What would you do?
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  • Hi, I dont think your being a b****. This is the reason I am putting my lo in a nursery. I know it will be more expensive, but I have real issues with him being babied by somebody else.
    At the end of the day he is your baby, and she should really listen to you as you know best!!
    It comes across as though she wishes she was his mum?!!
    Can't really offer any advice, but all I would say is that if you can afford childcare it might be an option, if only for 2 of the days of the week, so she only has one day to have time wirth him
    xx
  • Hey thanks for your reply.

    Were having him in nursery for one day a week and then hubby will have him one day and then mil for three days. Nursery for 4 isn't really an option as the reason i am going back is so we can move house so lo will have a garden.

    I have signed lo up to baby group and rhythm time so at least these are places where he will be in a different environment and i am going to make sure everything is written down how I want things done. I just hope she does it My way. I guess i'll just have to state my mind and remember that yes she is doing us a favor but it doesn't give her rights to bring him up her way x
  • I'm with 2littlemonkeys...sounds like she thinks she's the mum! That would do my absolute head in...although I have a preconceived idea that all mils are complete bitches as I hate mine so much! Lol

    you have to say something hun, she needs to understand that things are done in a certain way and that you are the one that sets those rules...and even if she doesn't like it, she has no choice as it is YOUR son!

    It's not fair on your LO if she starts being like that...he's going to get confused with things and if she keeps picking him up when he's happy playing by himself then he will just become dependant upon people holding him all the time (IMO)

    Hugs xx
  • I don't think you're being a bitch, and please please don't take this the wrong way, but do you think you might be perhaps being just a little unrealistic in your expectations?

    She's going to be looking after him 3 days a week on her own in her own home and she's bound to have her own way of doing things. She is his grandmother after all and not a hired help and she has a relationship to him, even if she's not his mum. I remember all of my grandparents playing their own roles in my upbringing. Their rules and parenting styles weren't the same as my parents' but this was never a source of friction that I can remember.

    Plus she's successfully raised a child herself so perhaps doesn't need absolutely everything spelled out for her?

    Maybe you could compromise on thinking up a few key principles that are absolutely crucial to you and then grit your teeth and let go control on some of the detail? You may find she listens to you more if you're not telling her exactly how everything should be done (apologies if that isn't the case but it does sound a bit like that from your post).

    Again, please don't take offence. It must be really hard to hand over your child to someone else. I envy you having family so close to help out - I'm a single mum and have the joys of surrendering my precious bundle to a stranger full time at some point and I know I'm going to absolutely loathe it. image
  • Thnaks i know i have to speak my mind more she is just such a overpowering person!! she does have a heart of gold though she just likes to organise everyone and everything her way!!

    It's their 40th wedding anniversary and me hubby and lo are going down there sat as a surprise!! i'm kind of dreading it as only have two weeks left until i'm back at the dreaded W word image xx
  • Hey slaks thats why i feel like i'm being a bitch because i know i am lucky. I don't think i spell out how everthing should be done and how she plays with lo etc is up to her to some extent, but when he is tired or hungry then it needs to be delat with in set ways other wise he is a nightmare. Also the fact that when we see her as a family i should(or hubby) still be the one in control and i don't feel like i am x
  • My MIL loves my LO to bits too and acts in a similar way to yours. She can't bear to go more than a few days without seeing him and wouldn't even go on holiday for more than 4 or 5 days, as she's miss him too much. She absolutely dotes on him and would do anything for us. She rings every day (sometimes more than once) just to see how he is, how he's slept, fed, etc. She talks to her friends about him often and carries photos around with her. She picks him up the minute she walks in, as she wants cuddles and then plays with him non-stop until she leaves. From my perspective I think this is absolutely lovely and we are very lucky that she feels this way. Do I think she's trying to be his mum - no, she is just being a caring, loving, Grandma.

    However she does listen to me, if I say he's tired, she'll give him to me to put to sleep. If I say he's hungry, she'll feed him, etc. She wouldn't ignore me and I wouldn't let her either. She really wanted me to wean early and made the odd comment here and there but I stuck to my guns and did what I thought was best for my baby.

    So while I do think you are being hard on her in some ways, I don't in others. Unfortunately with your situation you are going to have to try to overcome this. Maybe think about what things you are really concerned about and then speak to her. IMO it's best to talk about things at the start, so that they don't cause problems later on. Sorry I've rambled on but I HTH xx
  • You are lucky! My MIL is a complete witch. Never sees LO, never asks after him, Never fed or changed him, never bought him any clothes just some paints for his birthday!
    We are very disappointed that she could not care less about him. We forgot to send her boyfriend a birthday card and we got a rant on facebook about how we spend our money and can afford to send a card!!
    I was so angery that we have not replied or call her. She has not phoned to apologise and it has been a month now. So count your blessings!

    xx
  • Thanks lawso, I can see that she is a caring grandmother and i do think lo is very lucky in that respect, but it is just the not listening when it is important and like i say controlling certain things, there is loads more i could go on about but i think my post covers most of the important parts, i will just have to say what IS important and just let go on some of the trivial things ! xx
  • i dont think you are being a bitch at all

    i think you both need to speak to her about how you would like things to be done, its fair enough saying grandparents have thier 'own' way but if that is at the expense of you LO being brought up in a way you dont agree with leading to the days you have him starting from scratch then it not on IMO, maybe making a detailed day plan as to what he does when and what to look for, you seem to have a good relationship so maybe you just need to make your feelings clear to her,
  • happymummy10, i could have written that post myself!!! I am also really struggling with the thought of handing our son over to my MIL. I am going back to work in January and MIL has blatantly said she cant wait till then!! I swear if she mentions me going back one more time I might swing for her!! I could honestly write a book about the thing she has said / done. She constantly refers to him as 'my special boy', she shortens his name even though I have told her we dont want to. Her response to that was well you wont be able to stop other kids doing it once he starts school! When I gave up breastfeeding she said I would have to show her how to bottlefeed as all hers were exclusively BF, and she never felt the need to give any of her boys a dummy. FFS!!!! I gonna have to stop as I can feel my blood pressure rising!!!
  • my mil is an overpowering lady too, so i can sympathise, and she has ignored baby's needs so she can continue what she is doing as well. how she could ignore a screaming child and not give her to me is a joke! i am not polite anymore, i take her back if she needs feeding etc. and i would not leave my baby with her. so i can symathise.

    however, i really dont know whyhaving a picture of her grandchild is an issue. that imho is an over reaction.

    tbh if lo has to go to your mil, then it doesnt matter what you dsay sh'll do things her own way when you leave anyway. if you are unhappy with that (which i would be) then you dont have an option, nursery is the answer.

    and when you said he is a nightmare when tired, your mil will find that out for herself soon enough!!! if she doesnt alter her attitude and he becomes difficult for you due to her actions, then again you'll need to think what's more important to you, a biger house or how your child is raised.

    people always have a choice. if you dont want to leave your children with your inlaws, then stay at home, or choose a childminder or nursery. there is always a choice, but it depends on whether you'll be prepared to make the perosnal sacrifices of new house, 2 cars, holidays etc to do it.

    i dont mean to start an argument but looking after a young child is bloody hard work and these women are offwering to do it for nothing so you can still afford luxuries. when my mum was raising my older brothers a packet of biscuits a week was a luxury item. there certainly was not 2 cars or foreign holidays!!!
  • I don't think you're being a bitch at all, but I agree with Salks & salsamummy. You're lucky your mil loves your lo to bits. My mil is similar to yours. It does my head in sometimes (she also has lo when I'm at work) but lo loves her and asks to go to her house at the weekend. It is just the way of the world I think - nans & grandads tend to spoil lo's rotten and mums get the worst of it lol. I think it's lovely she has a framed pic of Lo - my mil has one too as do lo's great-grandparents and as does my dad. I would understand if you preferred nursery though. Sometimes family are hard work.

    Also, don't take this the wrong way, but how old is your lo? When my lo was little (under 9 months ish) I got very overprotective over him and didn't like people holding him or showing him affection he was 'mine all mine' lol. I think it is a hormonal thing for mums of young babies. My lo is 27 months now and if someone else wants to play mum, they are more than welcome!

    I have even let him go on holiday (for the weekend) with the outlaws, which is something I would NEVER have let him do if he was 6 months.

    xxx
  • I don't think you're being a bitch at all, but I agree with Salks & salsamummy. You're lucky your mil loves your lo to bits. My mil is similar to yours. It does my head in sometimes (she also has lo when I'm at work) but lo loves her and asks to go to her house at the weekend. It is just the way of the world I think - nans & grandads tend to spoil lo's rotten and mums get the worst of it lol. I think it's lovely she has a framed pic of Lo - my mil has one too as do lo's great-grandparents and as does my dad. I would understand if you preferred nursery though. Sometimes family are hard work.

    Also, don't take this the wrong way, but how old is your lo? When my lo was little (under 9 months ish) I got very overprotective over him and didn't like people holding him or showing him affection he was 'mine all mine' lol. I think it is a hormonal thing for mums of young babies. My lo is 27 months now and if someone else wants to play mum, they are more than welcome!

    I have even let him go on holiday (for the weekend) with the outlaws, which is something I would NEVER have let him do if he was 6 months.

    xxx
  • I think you are perfectly entilted to be peeed off and can totally understand from some experiences I have had with my MIL. Comments used to drive me mad and I would get myself so worked up afterwards it just wasn`t healthy! Unfortunately MIL`s think they can say what they want and often don`t have regard for others feelings.

    I can`t tell you how many times my son looks like Daddy, Daddy`s dad, Daddys Uncle, Daddy`s great Uncle, Daddy`s dog.....get the picture. I felt like saying a couple of times " Oh BTW, he actually came out of me!!"

    I had real issues with the taking over buisness and she upset me many times, particularly when we were out and about and especially in the very early days when I was wanting to do my proud Mum bit!!

    My son is now 13 months and she has been looking after him for 5 days a week for 4 months and will continue for 3 days for the next few months (until I go on mat leave again!). Like you, it has saved us a small fortune and I know that nobody will love my lil boy as much as her. IT gets a lot easier and a lot more bareable and I was worried she would think she was mum at the weekends but she has been fairly good. There was one occasion when she wanted to take him and I just said in a really casual way " I`m Mummy at the weekends" and I think she understood!!

    Anyway, just to say I don`t think your the only one, totally understand and try to stick with it. It will get easier and I now love the way she loves him so much!! (honestly never thought I`d say that at the start!)

    I wouldn`t worry about the photo - I do understand your point but I do think that is a lovely touch and again shows their love for your baby.

    Grit your teeth!
    Sarahxxx
  • Your not being a bitch, I think how you feel is normal!

    I love my MIL, she has a heart of gold and worships Dylan. But I feel the same as you sometimes, she smothers him a bit but she does listen to me (most the time) even when she disapproves (she will tell me grrr!) but she also tells me that my son is a credit to me and this means a lot from someone who has raised 4 amazing children including my wonderful dh.

    Mostly what I feel stems from jealousy, I don't want him to love her more than me!
  • Thanks for your reply ladies.

    I guess i'll have to let the small things go and just make sure mil knows the important things.

    My hubby has said to me if she lets him go overtired then she will have to cope with the consequences so hopefully she will learn quickly on that one.

    I think just writing it down helps sometimes, it makes you realise that you are lucky but at the same time how things can wind you up big time.

    Calleigh i know everyone has choices but my choices are not just for me they are for us as a family, i'm not thinking of luxuries just an income that will help lo go to a nice school, have a nice house with a garden be able to have brothers and sisters, and yes i suppose a little bit for me because i have worked bloody hard to become a teacher. Having said that if i wasn't a teacher with early finishes and the holidays i don't think i could even consider going back to work. I also know deep down that he will be better off with mil and that is why i feel hypercritical !


    My lo has just turned 6 months so maybe that has something to do with it image

    I can see maybe overreacting with the photo but i think it was the context it was said in more than anything. That basically they weren't enjoying their holiday because they were missing him so much x
  • hey just to say your not being a b**ch at all she does seem very loving which is a great thing but if she is not listening to you etc then this is not acceptable, perhaps start with when you ask for him to be fed dont allow 15 minutes to pass just immediatly say again, sorry can I have him please he's hungry and its harder to feed him when he's stressed out, or make a wee joke can i have him now i dont wait until i am at the point of crying with hunger so dont want him to. what about being open and honest with her and saying that while you love that she is a great grandmother you feel she constantly ignores you to the point that you aren;t feeling as comfortable leaving lo with her as you dont want to be playing catch up on routine the other 4 days she doesn;t have him.

    my mil doesn't mind my kids for a whole host of reason (heavy smoker, her own medical reasons extra strong sleeping and anti depressants, the fact that our parenting styles are at opposite poles it is unreal and also i was told early on that if she minds kids its her rules so im not prepared to compromise with some one that will dictate to me how my children are looked after that and they never bother to visit, call or anything, if it wasn;t for me running to them the'y never see their grandkids, HOWEVER its not that they are bad or anything its just the way they are they dont see anything wrong with it, they never even phoned or made the 2 minute car journey to see my 6 year old on his birthday (and he even asked where they were) they treat their own sons like this too, they do love their family but aren't that interested lol lol you seem to have the opposite lol
  • Sounds to me like she loves him very much and absolutely has his best interests at heart. You can't slam her in one breath for not knowing and understanding him as well as you do; then in the next criticise her devotion to him. It seems like the poor woman can do nothing right.

    She loves him, she's proud of him, she wants to show him off and spend time with him. Count yourself lucky, seriously. I found out last week that my MIL and FIL hadn't even bothered telling their best friends that we had had another baby, and DS is 4 months old.

    [Modified by: Maenad on August 18, 2010 10:51 PM]

  • I dont think it's a matter of be grateful that your MIL cares about your son, while many others have one that don't. It's not a comparison.

    I do agree with Calleigh though that no matter what you say, she may well go and do it her way anyway. I dont live where my mil lives (she too can be smothering!!) but my sil does and Ive seen how she takes over and disregards everything my sil says for her 3 kids. MIL blatantly disregards them and even says things to me about it and I find this disrespectful (e.g. offering shellfish, cows milk or unpasteurised cheese to an under 1 yo!)

    So maybe the open and honest approach is a good idea just to set some boundaries. Let her know she is appreciated, and it's great that she has so much love to give, but there is a broad outline of how you want him brought up (e.g. how you sleep settle and what you feed him once he is weaned) and it's something you want to keep consistent between you, your hubby and the care she gives. But you will probably have to let go of a lot (like the constant picking up). :cry:

    I hope you can work something out .
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