What would you do ?

Ok, i know ive posted about issues like this 40 million times before but i'm still at a loss as to what is the right thing to do and need some advise. 4

Firstly I have a friend who had her baby 4 months after I had my dd, now I find i'm always unwillingly in competition with her and its driving me mad !! Its silly things like if i put a piccy of dd on facebook of her standing up or something then my friend will put a piccy of her lo doing the same. Its like she's saying "yeah yeah, but lo can do that and she's younger !". Her lo began crawling a couple of weeks ago, my dd is 11 and a half months and has only just begun a sort of commando/catapiller type manovure. If this friend is having any baby issues and I try to offer advice anything I suggest there is always a reason why it wont work. I saw my friend a week ago and we were at my house with my dd and I was playing with her by picking her up by one arm and one leg and tossing her on the sofa. My dd LOVES this and my friends lo was watching this in utter awe. I asked my friend if she plays with her lo like this and she responded with "no I dont chuck my baby around like a rag doll". Now I know she's desperate that her lo will be a girlie girl and i'm guessing she thinks this is too much rough housing and more like boy play but it annoyed me ! Then my dd was watching ITNG and bopping as always to the music, I asked my friend if her lo watched ITNG and she said "no we dont watch tv, I play with my baby". Now this royally pissed me off as I partly put ITNG for my dd as i'm on my own and when sorting out brekkie, or feeding the cats or trying to eat myself I need something to take dd's attention so she's not commando crawling off into trouble ! :lol: also my friend works full time and has her hubby or family with her a lot of the time so isnt alone 24 hours a day to know what its like to need lo to be entertained. But my friend made me feel like a bad mum, like I was using the TV as a baby sitter. The thing is I saw a piccy of her lo on FB wathcing tv !! Now a mutual friend of ours (who i've known 15 years longer) is pregnant and as they work together I feel a bit pushed out and they always do stuff together and dont invite me and I know they'll go off and do the mummy thing together. Its just I always feel like this friend is looking down her nose at me and my family, that she is trying to compete with my dd all the time and i'm so fed up with it !!! Everytime she posts about her lo on FB i can feel my blood boil, which is not a feeling I like or want. But what do I do, if I ignore her I risk missing out on our mutal friends (although I rarely see them anyway) but I also hate confrontation and dont want to fall out ! She's not the kind of person who you can sit down and talk with and sort it out, she's more the kind where she'll look down her nose at me and walk off with all our other friends and make things difficult for me. So what do I do?

And my 2nd problem is my best friend has kinda dropped out my life since I had my dd and she got with her boyfriend. Now they are getting married and I thought I might be bridesmaid, she was mine and I helped my friend out so much in the past that I thought she'd want me to be part of her day. Well she isnt asking me but has asked people whome shes worked with for a year, ive known her a decade ! Ever since she got with her fella she's rarely around, When I do see her she says I need to invite her around more but whenever I ask her round she's always got other plans. Plus she never contacts me and asks if i'm free. As hubby works long shifts (like 15 hours) when he's gonna be home I try to be free so I can see him but the rest of the time its just me and dd. As dd needs to go to bed though its not like I can go out as I dont have anyone to babysit so I need my friend to come to my house but she's more the going out to the cinema type or something. Then when she does come round she'll spend the entire 2 or 3 hours just talking about herself, never asking me how i've been or anything. She's my best friend but now I feel like a distant relative that you just put time in coz you have too, like she's not eager to see me. I cant afford to go out everytime I wanna see her, nor can I do that much due to hubbys shifts.

I'm losing my friends, and I cant help but wonder if its my fault ? Am I missing a trick or something ? How do other mums, single mums etc keep a social life ? How do you hang on to friends when your life has changed so much ?? What should I do about these friends, just let them go ???


  • BE just ate my whole reply. gutted.

    I think the first friend, has got issues herself, and is jealous of you. As you mentioned, you spend all or most of your time with your LO, and your friend works full time. I think your friend is more than likely envious of your close bond and how much mother/daughter time you get with your DD, and probably wishes she could have the same. By boasting about all of the things her LO has acheived i think she is trying to make up for this, and yes.. perhaps bring you down a peg or two to make herself feel better. You're doing nothing wrong at all. a little tv throughout the day is not a problem, and playing rough and tumble with them is great! so much fun, she is missing out. I think you just need to remind yourself next time you see a facebook post or what have you, that she's probably doing it because she is insecure.

    The second friend, i think sadly it's quite normal for friends to drift once you have children, i've certainly found the same. Im only 21 myself so my friend are mostly students, with very different lifestyles and we have nothing much in common anymore. they aren't enthusiastic about kids. I love them to bits, but see little of them now. I just make sure i keep in touch with odd texts or emails, so they know im still interested and want to keep the lines of communication open, and then the ball is in their court. Sorry i dont have any proper advice though xxx
  • The first friend, I agree she is probably jealous of the time you get with your dd if she works full time. I would try and work out why she's feeling this way - if you feel she is being patronising or boasting, then either change the subject or confront her (in a conversational way like "Well, I don't think a bit of tv does them any harm, if you dont mind me asking - why do you??"). If you confront the situation rather than moaning about it, you might become closer...Though I can understand why it is bugging you. Try and let it wash over you though....YOU know that this is not a competition.

    As for the 2nd friend - I second Linzi totally, I'm 21 too, have sadly seemed to grow apart from all my old friends now as none of them have children and I have a nearly-2-year-old. It's not their fault or my fault, I just think its how it is. Sorry x
  • The first friend is not your friend. Friends don't treat each other that way. Do you really want to keep hanging out with someone who keeps rudely implying that you are anything but a great mummy? She sounds toxic and I would avoid her!!

    The second friend - sadly I agree with the others. I don't see much of my single/childless friends anymore, we have just grown apart and I can't do things like going out for drinks etc. We keep in touch all the time by e-mail and the odd lunch etc but it's not the same - we just live in different worlds now. I am lucky that I had a really great group of girls in my NCT ante-natal class and we all hang out once a week. I would encourage you to try and get out there and meet other new mummies - we're all in the same boat and I think you will find people are very receptive.

    Good luck with both problems!!
  • Hi, i agree with the other girls. The first friend is jealous - either because of working full -time, because your lo is older or for some other reason. If it was me, I would start to distance myself from her without actually falling out with her - you can stay friends with her on facebook, but hide all her wall posts etc - that way they won't annoy you.

    I would also love to put a comment on the facebook pic of her lo watching tv 'no we don't watch tv' (but I probably wouldn't lol!).

    The second friend - well again, friendships change over time and as your lives change people often find themselves drifting apart - sad but true! I drifted apart from one of my childless friends when I had my first - but I was very lucky. I was 31 when I had my first, and was the first of my close friends to get pregnant, but luckily they were really broody and they all followed suit pretty soon! I drifted apart from one of my very close mum friends when our sons started at different schools as well - it's part of life.

    If I was you I would broaden my horizons a bit, say find a couple of new activities with your lo, and make some new mom friends! Unfortunately, you will always find 'competitive mums', but you don't need to spend your time with them.

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