being unreasonable?

ugh, i just wrote a really long post and it seems to have disappeared!
anyway, the jist of it was that my group of friends is trying to organise a big night out in another city for when my baby will be about 4 months old.
i don't know yet how bf is going to go, but i plan to do it exclusively until baby is 6 months old. my worry with this night out is the length of time i'll be away from baby - even if i manage to express (i never managed it with my first), surely i'll spend half the night in the bathroom expressing to keep my supply up. And i remember my lo feeding loads at 4 months old.
my friends don't understand and think i'm just being difficult and i got the usual 'just give the baby a bottle' comments which i really don't appreciate and i'm not going to give my baby a bottle just to keep them happy. frankly i just want to tell them to arrange it without me but if i end up ff then i miss out on a night out and i know that if i say i'm not going then they'll be mad at me and possibly cancel the whole thing.
what do i do now? i've already tried to explain that diffiuculties of bf and being away from the baby at that age.


  • when LO was 4 months he was going through the longest growth spurt we have had, he ate like a gannet and bearly slept, you could always say you might come depending on how you are at the time, explaining that obviously if you have been up all night you wont be up for partying so its not just about feeding, i doubt they would be up for a great night out with no sleep, TBH if my friends were that inconsiderate i doubt they would be my friends for very long, i gather none of them have babies?

    My LO is 6 months old and i have been out with the girls a few times now but its never been really late due to knowing i will be upo at least a few times when i get back home!

    wh does it have to be in another city?
  • we're supposed to be going to the theatre so that dictates the venue i'm afraid. So i'm looking at an hour's travel each way, the show and i guess dinner and drinks too. I'm inlcined just to say not to get me a ticket but i can't face the trouble that'll cause - i'm too hormonal at the moment to deal with this stuff. I guess we could just get me a ticket and then find someone else to take my place further down the line. I know it's too early to say for sure that i won't want to go, but i really doubt that i will.
    i remember my first lo feeding a lot at that age too, i didn't have a proper big night out until he had started weaning. And i was knackered too.
    One of the group is pregnant as well and already a mum, and got a bit offended by my refusal to give baby a bottle - i wasn't having a go at ff but it's really not something i want to do. None of them have experience of bf so i guess couldn't understand that it's not as easy as 'just giving baby a bottle' or expressing enough milk to last potentially 8 hours!
  • I ff but still couldnt leave LO at 4 months, he wasnt a very good sleeper, still isnt. In fact....until the last 2 months (LO now 9 months) - I chose sleep over ANYTHING. Even my partner.......

    No I dont think you are being unreasonable, BF or FF - a lot depends on your LO and how tired you are. Dont feel guilty, there will be plenty of other good nights out if they are good friends................

  • No def not unreasonable - you can't see into the future and tell what your baby will be like at 4mths!

    When ds2 was 5 mths old we took fil to the theatre in London for his 80th. I fed ds all afternoon and we left at 6pm to get the train. It was fine - my mum had little cartons of formula to give him, and he was a very easy baby so I had no worries on that score.

    BUT, I could feel my boobs gradually expanding during the evening! By the time we on the train home they felt ready to explode - I have never been so happy to get home again in my life!

    If it was just a night out , rather than an occasion I would be tempted to give it a miss, or just buy a ticket with the option of selling it on it you don't want to go. I know how hard it can be with friends!

  • I dont think you are being unreasonable atall. Infact I think if they are good friends to you they should try to understand a little more.
    What will happen if you go and they end up wanting to go on somewhere after? You are going to want to go home instead and would you be ok travelling home alone at night?
    You have to do what is right for you, not what pleases your friends.
    You and your baby come first! xx
  • Thanks for the reassurance everyone, they were starting to make me feel like a neurotic mummy!
    Turns out the tickets are already bought as of first thing this morning, so I was too late to back out, but I've aired my doubts again that I'll be able to go and have said that we may just need to sell my ticket if I can't be away for so long. I've decided that if they give me a hard time about cancelling then they're not worth bothering about anyway, but hopefully it'll all work out ok!
  • I'm sorry, but I think it is a bit much them going ahead and buying the tickets without checking with you again, as they knew you were in two minds!
    I hope it all works out ok in the end for you whichever way it goes xx
  • Why can't they just plan it without you? Seems a bit odd that they're so insistent you have to come.

    I've had two hen parties since dd2 (3 months) has been born and have just had to say no to both of them (one of them I went along in the daytime with her for a few hours). Luckily my friends have been understanding. She doesn't have a bottle and she's fed on demand so I have to be with her 24/7, and that's that. Can't you just tell them that, and like you say if they don't accept it they're not worth bothering with!
  • well at just over 3 months dd sleeps through the night, but believe that hey start to wake up during the night at 4 months for milk. i guess you wont know until you get there. you could always express from both sides when you get home though.
  • Right, I did actually go for a night out when my son was 4 months and bf'd BUT I took him and my mother with me. They stayed at the hotel while I went to the evening show. My mother gave him a bottle of EBM that I took frozen in a cool bag and put him to bed and I got back in time to give him his midnight feed (and wore breast pads to prevent excessive leakage).

    It was incredibly complicated and wouldn't work in most situations but we managed it and I got my first night out since his birth. I agree with Tottie that you won't know what your lo's habits will be by then. So no, you aren't being the least bit unreasonable. They are being so to have booked without consulting you! Hope you manage to get it sorted out.
  • sorry to g/c! I don't have children, but if a friend of mine was bf with a lo, I wouldn't expect them to necessarily be up for a night out. Maybe because I am ttc I am a little more understanding than your friends (even though you say one has a baby). Everyone is different and I do think they are being unreasonable to expect you to change YOUR routine to please them! Just my humble opinion!
  • I don't think you're being unreasonable at all hun! I also BF and wouldn't be going out all evening knowing my oobs would gradually be getting bigger and bigger! I've been invited to a hen do next month, day time drinks at her house then chinese meal in the evening - I've just said that I'll only be going to the daytime part, simply cos of BF and she was absolutely fine with that. I think you've done the right thing - you've made it clear that you're undecided and you'll sell the ticket on if need be, can't say fairer than that!!
  • Maybe I'm being a bit naieve (sp??) but why would friends act in such an unreasonable way if you said you felt it would be too difficult to make the night out?

    It was my best friends 30th a few weeks ago and a group of friends were going out. I was obviously invited, along with another friend who has a lo three weeks younger than my daughter. She went to the night out while her partner stayed home. I didnt go as im not ready to leave my daughter. I had a very traumatic end of pregnancy ending in my lo being delivered by emcs at 34+5. Not one of my friends said anything other than positive comments. Even the ones who don't have children yet were all really supportive and we then arranged a second baby-friendly event.

    Sorry if i rambled but i guess im just a little confused as to why they wouldnt be unconditionally supportive towards your feelings.
  • My daughter is 10 months no longer bf and a very.content easy baby and I still don't leave her for too long unless its absolutely necessary cos I o just don't want to. I don't know if anyone has a problem with it and don't care if they do. Don't be bullied into anything you don't want to do hun.
  • Hi hun,

    Just wanted to add your not being unreasonable at all. I BF also but it was our 1st wedding anniversary 5 weeks after lo was born. I expressed manically in week4 and 5 to allow me and dh to have a night together and that lo has enough ebm to last not only the night but through the night and onto next morning so I could enjoy a coupleof glasses of wine without it affecting feeding. BF did come reasonabley easy to us though and expressing also. It can be done if you are happy to leave your lo and you plan an 'expression' schedule ( I always found in the middle of the night after a feed on one boob produced the most on the other) BUT as I had been expressing so much and feeding on demand to a growth spurt baby I found my boobs becames hard afull and very very tender quickly and had to expresss and throw a lot of milk away.
    This worked for us but I most definatley would not have gone to lengths I went to for a night out with friends it was only as it was such a special occassion really. sorry for the ramble I just wanted to to see that If it is what you want you can do it but if you dont then I would tell your friends that you feel pressurised by them about this and you wish they could understand how hard BF is. They should feel guilty for their behaviour and lack of support. No real friend behaves like that x
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