more babies!!!

so this may sound like a complicated one here!!!
we've just had Jason & my oh has got another little girl who's 5.
We've kinda talked about having more but oh keeps saying he doesn't want any more coz he's got a little girl & a boy. But I'd love to have another!!!! not sure if it's because I had a pretty easy pregnancy, labour & birth really (only the stiches were my negative experience about the whole thing!!) anyway....

I'd love to have a daughter which is really where it gets a bit kinda complicated! I love Tegan to bits (oh lo) but coz of the sh!t that wen on when my mum n dad split n both went into different relationships etc etc I would never dream of asking her to call me mummy, in fact she's slipped up a couple of times & called me mummy but I've always been the first one to correct her n oh family give me really funny looks when I do, but at the end of the day her mum is her mum n no one can change that.

Chris (oh) keeps talking as though when we get married that I'm going to be her mum but at the end of the day she's not my daughter. I've not said anything directly to oh about wanting a little girl coz in all honesty i think he'd be hurt if i said directly to him that Tegan wasn't my daughter but I would never want Tegan to feel like she's being replaced as her mum has already got a little girl who's nearly 2 n apparantly her & her partner are trying for another.



But really I still want to have a little girl I can call my own.
There's no way we planning this soon soon kinda thing but I just know it's going to cause frition when i suggest it in 2/3 years time
Am I being selfish here?
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Posts

  • havnt been in ur situation hun but didnt want to read and run, i think u will have to talk to oh about how u feel hun, coz if ur desperate for a daughter it may be a conversation about having a large family? coz we dont know what we r gonna get. xx
  • Hi hun, I can understand what you mean, my oh has a daughter who is 15 and although I love her loads she isn't MY daughter. Also agree with you that her mum is her mum not me. Becky has called me mum a couple of times and like you I have corrected her, although she does buy me a mothers day card. think you need to have a chat with your oh and tell him how you feel, but make it clear thay you don't love Tegan any less for not being your actual daughter. But just remember there is no way of knowing that you will have a girl next time, would you be happy with another boy or will you still want to keep trying for a girl? xxx
  • Hey,

    I can see how your feeling - if I were in your position I would feel the same. I'm thrilled I have a little girl and do wonder how i'd feel if i'd had a boy. I know that I would definately be wanting a girl 2nd time round.

    With Tegan calling you Mummy - I wouldn't worry about it too much tbh, children do call thier teachers mummy sometimes - it can just be a slip of the tongue rather than them thinking your thier mummy. When you get married, you will be her step mum and though you wouldn't ask her to call you mummy, perhaps just let her call you what she wants to ?

    I dont think you are being selfish and think you should try to talk to your dh about wanting more children generally - not a baby girl as such - as kirst3 said, you never know what you'll have if you try again anyway!
  • Hi
    Im in nearly the same situation. I have just had a little boy, and I have a step daughter who is 5. I have always loved her and been close with her since she was 2, but like you I do not get called Mummy as I believe its important she knows the differnece. Now we have both a son and daughter we thought we would be complete, but this is where I have been suprised.
    Please don't get me wrong, she is VERY impotant and very loved by both me and my husband, but it has taken the birth of our son to make me realise how very powerful and differnt maternal love is.

    I like you would love my own daughter one day as I see how my mum and me have become so close as I have become a mum too, and i want that.

    My husband knows how I feel, and understands. I read somewhere (I think it might be a step parenting guide) that a step parent needs to understand that the love they feel for their step child will not be the same as a maternal/paternal love. I understand that now.

    All cases are diff though and how long you spend with the child is important. If we had our daughter with us 100% of the time it might be differnt? I don't know but we have her just under half of the time.

    I agree with the girls above - talk talk and talk more. Its important..

    xxx
  • hi hayley,

    i cant help you out on experience here as i've never been in the situation, but as the others have said, try and have a chat with your oh, and see what he thinks. maybe focus more on another baby, not just the girl -as the others have said, there is no gaurantee of that anyway.

    the other thing is could you let Tegan call you Mummy Hayley instead? my friends eldest is not her husbands, and Emily knows she has 2 daddies, but her real dad is called gary- she calls him dad/daddy, and her "new" one is daddy david. i think my friend did this to stop her feeling left out, as she now has 2 other children who obviously call him dad!

    tegan may be feeling a bit left out anyway, not because of any way she has been treated, but if both her mum and dad have gone on to have babies with someone else, and they are now in a different family unit (ie her dad, you, and your lo), she may feel jealous if your lo calls you mum but she doesnt?. i'm not saying for one minute she isnt included, but kids all interpret things differently to adults.

    hope it all goes well
  • Thanks for the advice ladies. It's more the fact that I've always wanted two children, not neccesarily a girl but just having two, but even when i mention it to oh he says we've got two kids.
    As for they whole tegan calling me mummy hayley it would just cause a hell of a lot of sh!t if her mum heard coz she hates my guts.
    As I said in my first post I'm not thinking about having another lo for at least 3/4 years as I'm only 19 now & want to get on with my career as much as is possible with having jason.
    Chris' views may change I don't know, he's a bloke so who knows!! lol Tegan will get older so she'll be able to get more involved that she can with jason as she only 5 atm n jason's not crawling so we've still got to remind her sometimes to be a bit careful!
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