Does she hate me? - update

When Lily (nearly 6 weeks) cries it's either for food, nappy, winding or cuddles, so I haven't had any desperate "why is the baby STILL crying??" moments yet. Today, though, I needed both hands to put the washing away, so after feeding, winding and changing her, I put her down on the bed - cue crying. Picked her up - she stops. Put her down - she starts again. Left her to cry on the bed whilst I put the washing away, and thought, sod this, she HAS to learn I can't be holding her at all times. So I put her in her cot in the nursery and shut the door, then got on with a few bits that needed doing.

She was probably in there for about 15 mins, crying the whole time. Once I'd finished what I was doing I went in and picked her up, and straight away she stopped crying and fell asleep on me.

I'm now sat here trying not to cry myself because I feel sooooo guilty for what I did! Will she know that I was ignoring her? Did she feel abandoned and lonely? Will she blame me?

I know the answer to my own question, really, but I just need some reassurance that she doesn't love me any less :cry: And also some advice about what to do with babies who don't like being put down! Does controlled crying work?

[Modified by: PinkToothbrush on 14 January 2009 17:57:52 ]


  • Oh babe I have done this before and you feel awful but like you say partly you have to do jobs and can't hold the the whole time. Alfie loved being lose so I popped him in the baby carrier around the house and that suited him fine. Now he's not fussed at all and is happier in his cot playing than a cuddle with me!! Maybe worth a go?x
  • of course not as you well know image !!! She knows she is loved and cared for with a fab mummy! Sometimes things have to be done and babies have to be put down! I have a very clingy boy and it is hard when they cry if you try and get on but you have to do it for both your sakes!

    Controlled crying does work but I was advised to not do it till 6 months as doing it earlier can result in insecurites - yes the baby will learn not to cry but they will learn that becuase no one comes to them where as when they are older they learn that you will come but not immediately (hope that makes sense!!!???

    You are doing a GREAT job - stick with it!!!!
  • hey,

    I think we've all had moments like that when our lo's love us so much that they just want us!

    You know she still loves you as otherwise she wouldn't be comforted by you so quickly.

    I'm not sure what to do about babies who dont like to be put down as Louise is going through a clingy stage - I'm just lucky to have an understanding dh that doesn't mind if nothing gets done all day!

    That said.....Louise is happy if she's sitting in her high chair or bouncy chair and can see me, I take her bouncy chair around the house with me when I do attempt to do the housework s long as I keep talking or singing to her. Or have you thought about using a baby carrier or sling?

  • Aw bless, she wont' even remember it hon.

    I know how you feel cos Reiss used to be like this and no matter how determined I got, he just didn't like to be put down. Some babies just need that bit more I think, so I bought a sling and put him in that. A pain I know, but if I did really need to do something then I would stick him down and let him cry aswell. I would take him from room to room with me and lay him on the bed, he would scream, I'd go to the next room and so on.... It's really tiring but the good news is, he is much much better now. I know it sounds like a long way off, but when he got to about 6 months I noticed a real change in him. I can pop him down now while I get a few things done - in his highchair, nest, chair, or if all else fails the buggy.

    In fact when he was tiny, I would put him in his buggy and bring it into the kitchen with me while I cooked, just kept pushing him around so he thought he was on the move!

    Drastic measures I know, but I could never leave him to cry for more than about 10 minutes at a time.

    Hope things improve hon!xx
  • Awww hun. You do know the answer- she loves you very much and thinks you are the best mummy in the world!! It's because she loves you so much that she wants to be held by you, but you can't possibly hold her the entire time!

    I've certainly had te odd moment where I've left Beth crying for a few minutes just to keep me sane. One evening last week she was fussing loads while I was cooking, I tried to distract her by giving toys etc but nothing was working so I finished what I was doing first. It turned out that even though her nappy hadn't been on long she'd had a big poo and her poor little bottom was getting sore- I felt soooo bad.

    But they really are very forgiving, they will remember the 99 times that you repsond to them quickly and patiently and forget the 1 time where you kept them waiting.
  • I agree with the sling idea, I used to pop Neve in hers and go about my business with her on me. She was very happy and I didn't need to do it for long, she hasn't turned into a clingy baby either so I think she just needed a bit more contact that others - all babies are different. And yours definately won't love you any less - you've got ages yet before they start bearing grudges lol!
  • Totally agree with Poz - it is a very good job that they don't bear a grudge as I have often got things wrong with MAx but he still knows he is loved - me, hubbie and him are all learning together all the time!!!!
  • dnt feel bad,sometimes u just have to leave them cry a little when things need to be done and it dosent mean u r a bad mummy for doing this.sounds like your lo was crying because she was tired so maybe she just needs to learn to settle herself to sleep xxx
  • Thank you ladies, you do know how to make me feel better :\) I'm also quite relieved to hear how many of you go straight to your LOs when they cry - I expected lots of people to say I'm making a rod for my own back by always holding her and that I should leave her as long as it takes so she learns to settle herself.

    I just can't bear the thought of her feeling insecure and abandoned - even if she still loves me just the same, I hate thinking I've caused her to feel like that, even for a few minutes :\(

    I have both a baby carrier and a sling - I can't work the sling out but am going to a "baby-wearing" class soon to learn how to use it! Think I'll make more use of the carrier meanwhile.

    As always, thank you for your advice & reassurance.
  • oh honey! don't beat yourself up i personally think you did a great thing - you took a brave step and you realised that you don't want to make your baby clingy. The fact that she stopped crying and fell asleep on you when you went back to get her shows how much she LOVES you, definately doesn't hate you!

    It does take them some time to get used to their own company and being left alone but she'll get there, just try little stints at a time like you did today and soon she'll be happy playing alone for a bit so you can do jobs! XX
  • Of course your baby loves you, your a good mum doing everything you can, everyone needs a bit of time I have done exactly the same leaving the LO to cry in his moses basket until i grab a bite to eat or quickly clean up then feel terrible because he start big MASSIVE hearty sobs it makes me want to cry, he also does the same as your lo crys gets picked up stops put back down crys lol its scary n hard being a mummy!!! image your doing great dont be hard on yourself image

  • I definately agree with the baby carrier/ sling. I used to put Brendan in our baby bjorn carrier so I could get on with a few jobs during the day and it was a life saver!

    Don't beat yourself up hun, you sound like you are doing a fab job. Being a mummy is a steep learning curve from day one! xx
  • I read that if you respond to a baby crying quickly now then they learn that they're needs are always met. Therefore, as they get older they cry less because they trust you and feel secure.

    Will have to wait and see......but thats what I tell anyone who thinks that I should let Louise cry!
  • aw ptb ...I soo feel your pain (as you know)

    It is interesting to read that BF babies are more clingy; I'd not thought of this but it does make sense.

    I bought a premaxx sling but am sending it back because it is so complicated and has too many bells and whistles...I just wanted something really easy and this is so bulky, I hate it!!

    Just think how awesome our biceps, triceps and shoulders will be from all this carrying and BF too!! We will be gorgeous slim (albeit totally string out) mummies before we know it!!! (we can dream!)
  • Just to let you know that I've kept Lily in her carrier all afternoon since we went out for a walk to feed the ducks and it's worked brilliantly! I've got lots of little jobs done. She's either been asleep, or awake but content.

    Am also working on putting her down for short periods every so often so that she (hopefully) begins to get used to it.

    Thanks for all your help & reassurance image
  • hiya

    dont feel guilty!!! all babies cry and they all need their mummies for a snuggle every now and then !!

    archie has days where he just cries for no reason, and unless he gets quite worked up, i tend to let him vent, providing he doesnt start choking or anything, usually hes just being mardy, and within 30 seconds he shuts up and has a massive smile on his face... the only time i pick him up is if hes been sleeping and he wakes up crying, then i hush him back off to sleep if i can, if not just cuddle him til he stops crying, which isnt for long usually, then put him back in his chair or prop him up on the sofa so he can have a nose about.
  • Hi,
    Glad the carrier worked-feeding the ducks sounds good too! xx
  • That sounds great - I'm so jealous actually - Gabe doesnt go in his carrier much anymore cos he is 8 months and quite big now!
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