Judging other mothers

Just a Monday morning ramble... image

Before I had Sam I was fairly judgemental about other mums. If I saw a baby crying in the supermarket I would judge the mother for not picking it up and stopping it crying. If I saw a mum feeding her baby from a jar I would wonder why she hadn't made food herself. If I saw a mum giving her LO a crumb of cake in a coffee shop I would judge her for giving her baby sugar etc etc.

Being a mum has COMPLETELY changed me! I now think that little things like bits of cake, the odd jar (even more than the odd jar - sometimes a whole day of jars!) and a baby crying for 10 minutes at the checkout are really nothing in the grand scheme of things. I do all these things! Of course, there are the 1% of mums who are abusive/neglectful and that is different, but aren't the majority of us just doing our best?

What are your thoughts? Have you changed how judgemental you are since actually having a baby? Or are you same - have you stuck to your original principles?



  • By the way, I know I get involved in heated debates on here and state my opinion about all sorts of topics, but in the 'real world' I don't actually judge the mums who disagree with me. I just like a good debate!
  • I can't say I ever really judged other mothers before being one on issues such as food, crying, etc. With things like a crumb of cake you can never know if they eat like this regularly or it's a small treat once a year, maybe it's the child's birthday or they're a diabetic and needed some sugar....There are so many factors that you don't know.
    The only time I'd think that something was extremely wrong was if I saw a mother tell her child to "Shut the f*** up" or similar, things which I'm sure we've all seen! That never failed to disgust me. I also judge parents whose kids are actively rude too, but only if the parent is in eyesight or can hear and does nothing to correct it. All kids are probably rude etc out of sight and hearing of their parents sometimes!!
    To give an example of what I mean, one fo my nieces is extremely rude. When we visit them she doesn't even bother to say hello to us, and just sits staring at the tele. If you talk to her just looks through you. She's only 6, so you can't even blame teenage hormones! Her parents (hubby's sister) don't seem to consider this as a problem, whereas if it was my little girl she'd be made to receive her aunts and uncles in at least a polite fashion! xx
  • I don't judge unless I know the full situation and it really annoyes me when people mention feeding lo jars.

    I feed my lo jars as he flat out REFUSES to eat my food. Me and oh buy organic only and use farms and markets when we can. I have tried everything from blending to adding fruit and he still hates everything except egg and toast. I'm not a lazy person and it costs a fortune to buy him his food. The jars that I buy are also all organix or hipp organic because I am actually a bit of a food snob in the sense I will buy organic only when I can.

    I spoke to my hv about the fact he'll only take a jar and she said she knew a few mums who had tried everything and still had to revert back to a jar. I've also had comments of 'oh I wouldn't give in, keep trying!' well I'm sorry but if I can satisfy his hunger now using food which is healthy I'd rather that than a battle of wits every meal. I'm not saying when he's older I'll feed him chips of he refuses everything else but it seems like jars are getting the same reputation as formula now and contrary to popular beleive it's not flipping poison!
  • I feel sorry for the mums with the tantruming child now! I used to think please pay them some attention and they maybe quiet now as a mum you can see that sometimes the only thing the child needs is sleep and ignoring them is the only way they will get this!

    never judged on jars ever and that hasn't chnged, same with cake etc.

    However saw a heavily pregnant woman the other day smoking yelling obscenaties at her other child and felt sick!. That I judge!

    Oh and I also don't get this living your dreams through your child, like the mum who pole dances with her 7 year old, and turning them into mini adults let kids be kids even if they do scream in supermarkets ettc

  • I completely agreed dylansmummy I jsut feel sorry for the mums in the supermarket now as I know how horrible it has felt when Fin has being crying when I'm out and about!
    I guess there were a few things I did judge a bit such as dummys (having used them for a few months to help with getting Fin to sleep I changed my opinion - but I still don't like seeing toddlers walking around with them!) and also thought I would never bring a baby into bed with me! Well having a nightmare sleeping child that soon changed and even now he comes into bed every morning for his first feed and I love it!
    I do still however still feel very sad when I see people smoking when pregnant and I do judge when I see people yelling at their children and being unkind to them. It just makes me so sad image

    CG x
  • LMAO at the tantruming child my ds1 done this once and I actually put down my basket of shopping and left (he was about 3) he never did it again lol

    To be honest I wouldn't have judged before as I had no interest if that makes sense only when I fell pregnant and began reading about babies etc then I started to judge - it's more things like smoking when pregnant or round your kids ggggggggggrrr I want to dig the people that do it it really angers me - also cursing at your kids!!

    My MIL's cousin was up and actually said to my son (then about 4/5) pick up those f**king cars- I cracked (he wasn't shouting he just talks and curses) I was like don't you ever speak to my son like that, his poor daughter was there and although only about 11 you could see she was embarrassed as she obv knows its wrong

    coco - re the debate I'm lmao your very right I think if half of us gvae our opinions in the 'real world' there would be a lot of news reports about mummies and boxing matches at the local tesco/babygroup etc etc

  • I think it depends on the situation... I was at our local carnival yesterday and there was a child having a massive tantrum. I felt so sorry for the mother as it was a noisy, exciting, vibrant environment and the child was obviously over excited because of it all, a lady sitting behind us though said to her partner 'if they dont shut that child up, i'm going to go and speak to them.' I didnt say anything as she didnt go over but had she made a move to approach them, i would have said something to her.

    On the other hand, i did feel a bit judgemental towards a family sitting near them. They had a young son and a baby who couldnt have been more than a month old. The little boy was eating sour cola bottle sweets which are coated in sugar - i do not have an issue with this but as im sure you're all aware, the sugar coating gets all over your hands with those sweets. He then grabbed the baby's bottle, pushed the teat inside the bottle, started shaking it and grabbing the teat with his whole hand, The dad then took it off him and wiped the teat with his fingers and then the mum wiped it with her fingers, put it in her mouth and walked around for a couple of minutes with it in her mouth before giving it to her baby. I guess there wasnt a great deal you could do once he'd got hold of it but still... bleurgh!

    [Modified by: Pumpkin Pie on August 02, 2010 02:37 PM]

  • Ohhhh I was so judgemental. I used to say I'd feed my DS only home cooked stuff. No sugary snacks, I'd cuddle him all the time if he got upset.... the list of things I was going to do goes on, and on!
    I honestly believed my son wouldn't tantrum if I showered him with love and affection!!

    Now he is 17 months and I am 33 weeks pregnant with baby 2, and I have changed sooooooo much!

    I fed Louis jars, and I let him cry now and then... especially if I had my hands full with things.
    I do make home cooked food nearly everyday, but I also give him treats now and again.
    He is slowly beginning the tantrums now, and although I feel pressured when out in public, knowing there are judgemental people out there (like I used to be) I cope far better than I thought I would!!
    I have come to realise it is a developmental thing, and knowing that Mummy won't always give in to his demands is a good thing and shapes his personality.

    I do however, look at some parents, in the kids groups we attend and feel bad for some kids... filthy, grubby hands and faces. A full nappy. Wearing dirty clothing.... it saddens me. xx
  • I think the only thing I get judgemental about (and still do) is parents that talk to their children in what IMO is a horrible way. Like for example the mother that shouted at a child calling him a moron because he was crying, parent's that constantly cause their children "stupid baby" all the time etc - it just sounds horrible and I feel for the poor child that constantly receives this negative response.

    I've never judged about feeding etc in any sense, food-wise or BF/bottle etc.

    The only other thing I didn't used to agree with is young babies/children out in pubs late at night - we'll have to see if I change my mind about that one as am no longer a great pub-goer! lol

  • Great thread, it's something I've been thinking about alot since having my son, I think us women can be soo judgemental of eachother, which in alot of cases just comes down to insecurity (unless it's a genuine concern about a childs welfare which is different). Everyone does things slightly differently, what's important is that you feel happy with the individual choices you make for your child and have confidence in your abilities as a parent, that way you shouldn't feel the need to be overly critical of other people or worry too much about what other people think of you. There is already too much pressure heaped on women to be perfect so we need to stick together and support eachother when we can!
  • well said lucie xx
  • quote :However saw a heavily pregnant woman the other day smoking yelling obscenaties at her other child and felt sick!. That I judge!

    I agree with this wholeheartedly i have to say its my biggest hate ...back to the op yes i do judge sometimes but i also try to talk myself into not being too harsh ...sometimes as a mum i feel we have to judge,is it not like an instinct to protect our children etc and if we see children coming to any harm or being mis treated our motherly instince kicks in? or is that just me image .....i for instance just got home and i drove round the corner in to my estate to see a neighbours children out playing in the road ...one is 6 the other just 2! no mum around ....i walked in the house and announced to myself that some people dont deserve children ....scold me if you need too but imo a 2 year old should not even be out in the back garden totally unattended let alone in a street xxxx
  • In general I try not to judge, however I do judge my sil, but this is because when I refused inlaws of giving dd chocolate at 4 months she told me that she has given her lo a pack of buttons every day since she was 6 months, she also feeds her child take away curry and take away chip shop food which I dont agree with, I wouldnt personally say anything (although they frequently do to me) I silently judge and refuse to let them look after lo.
    I dont like seeing women smoking while pregnant or around their children but what if they have tried everything to quit and fail, I gave up smoking when I found out I was pregnant and havent started again but my husband has tried frequently and has failed every time.
    Def wouldnt judge a woman for feeding lo jars or the women with the babies having tantrums as my lo at 9 months has mastered them beautifully and always at the wrong time :lol:
  • hey rosapenny my oh is a smoker too image I too am an ex- smoker but I'm sure like yours my oh never smokes in the house, in the car or near the kids (i'd cut his knads off if he did lol)

    I remember when I had my ds1 and it was still ok to smoke in shopping centres etc 9I know only a few years ago) and this girl had a new baby in a gorgeous carrycot pram and was smoking her cig talking to the baby and actually blowing all the smoke on top of it??!!! disgusting!
  • rosapenny I think men dont have the willpowerthat we do, merely because they can walk away from those who would be harmed with second hand smoke. when we are pregnant we cant walk into the garden away from our little beans. I smoked and once I knew I was pregnant I thre my packet away..and it was bloody hard!

    Is it bad to say I completley judge my own mother for not having the willpower to give up smoking when she was pregnant with me? I kinda feel like she didnt care enough to bother and stop??? oh that sound horrible
  • Princess87-I'm not sure if maybe it wasn't a case of her not caring, but more that there wasn't the info, guidelines and warnings around then that there are now?
    Carly xx
  • Hmmm maybe carly but I was born in 1987 so I'm sure there were guidlines out at that point.

    My mil really annoyed me because she smoked all through her pregnancies but swears blind she didn't...whilst showing me pics of her 9mnths preg with a cig in her hand...wonders eh
  • Oh I still judge sometimes but I'm trying very hard not to as this site has genuinely made me realise that behind every mother and baby there often an underlying story that we never know and not everything is black and white (does that make sense?)

    But what I've found since having LO is that the person I judge the most is myself and often to my own detriment (doesn;t that sound holier than thou, I dont mean it like that) as I'm so worried that others will judge me I dont like to do anything that other mums can criticise (or I do and dont tell them so they cant judge...)

  • I must admit I can be a bit judgemental. But I am a bit of a nosey people watcher- supermarket trolleys etc, saw a bloke yesterday buying BBQ bricks, burger buns, 6
    bottles of wine and 8pints of milk!
    I wouldn't judge a chil having a tantrum but I
    would judge a parent speaking inappropriately to a child, I wouldn't judge a child being given a bit of cake in a coffee shop but I would judge coke in a bottle. I have no problem with jars of food, there's a time and a place for them, but was in the hairdressers today and there was a child that must've been about 4, in a buggy being spoon fed from a jar. In answer to the op I think I'm a tad less judgemental seeing how easily things can be less than ideal but some things I will always judge x
  • I agree it probably is easier in a way for us to give up smoking because we do have our beans to think about where as the oh can walk outside and have a smoke.
    When my ex sil was pregnant with both my nephews she smoked the whole way through her pregnancy and for some reason I never thought nothing of it, actually I proabably did but she was so scary I would't have said anything!! :lol: yet when my older brother asked me last year had I really stopped smoking or was I just saying I was to keep everyone happy I was really offended!!
    Grizzlechops I think you are so right the one person I judge most is myself, what if my choices are not the right ones for Olivia, what if me deciding not to do something has a bad effect.
    The one thing I have judged myself on this last few weeks is the fact that she is climbing up to stand and I am so petrified of her falling that I feel I almost hindering her development so today I forced myself to take a step back and let her do these things and she did fall and she got back up and did it again. In my head I keep thinking no she is only a baby she cant be doing this yet!!
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