Greatful for any advice!!!

Ok so Im after a bit of advice, its kinda long and a bit complicated so if you read this to the end well done! Thanks on advance for any replys all views are greatfuly recieved!!

My bil2b who I will call Alan and his gf of about 4 months who I will call her Mary, Alan is 24 and Mary is 27, Mary has 2 kids (7 and 9) about 3 months after they met Mary said she was pg and then one nigh started bleeding so went alone to a&e and without a scan, internal or anything was told she had lost the baby. That night her friends and family told her baby still might be ok and to call the eup in the morning but anyway that night she was drinking (she had been even b4 she had been told she lost baby) Over the next week she was told she had lost the baby but noone was at any appointments with her and a few things didn't ring true.
Mary decideds that she really wants a baby so they (imo stupidly) start ttc and she gets pg almost straight away, now after loosing a baby I imagine you would want to do all you could to make sure this little bean was as happy and healthy as possible but she is still smoking (at least 20 a day) and drinking. We have spoken to Alan about it and he apparently spoke to Mary and she wasnt going to drink anymore. Alan is at his parents for new year and Mary is at home with her 2 boys. Mary has been leaving comments on a mutual friend of ours bebo page saying she has been drinking ect so my oh decided to get in touch direct with Mary, all he said was I hope this is of some use to you and sent a few links about the dangers of smoking and drinking in pg. Do you think that was out of order?

Now out mutual friend has been on having a go at me saying it wasn't a nice thing to do and she isn't out drinking every night and its none of our buisness. I think it is my oh's buisness though because its his neice or nephew that she is potentially harming. I know if anyone ever thought we were harming Holly we would be so greatful for them saying something and trying to do the best for our baby. Does that make sence?

What do you think? Was it mean of him?


  • I am genuinely after advice on what to do because its effecting the whole family, I just do not trust this woman one bit!
    I think Alan feels like he can't (or won't) stand up to her, I dont think he realises that there is a BABY and thats what everyone is concerned about.That poor wee soul has not asked to be concieved and certainly not asked to have its wee lungs filled with smoke and brain filled with alcohol image Its all so sad and we are at a loos as to what to do. I really hope this doesn't get heated because that really is the last thing I want xxx
  • Hmm it's difficult- perhaps a bit tactless rather than mean though. I think most women know the dangers (especially if they've already got 2 children) so perhaps you'd be better leaning on your BIL to tell her to stop rather than sending her info.
    It is so sad to see women taking risks but I wouldn't risk your relationship with her/BIL when others can give the same info.
  • I think if we could have sat down like adults we would have but we live in Ireland and them in Scotland so that really wasn't an option. I think at least we have tried and know that we have done all we can by this wee baby.
  • What was Mary's responce to the information?

    I think it prob was a bit tackless, but I suspose bragging about drinking & smoking while pregnant isin't the best idea either?

    let alone actually doing it..

    families are funny things! Perhaps it'd be better & less likely to cause upset if it was her OH speaking to her about it rather then other family members?

    at the end of it all.. There really is nothing anyone can do if thats what she is deciding to do.. it's her body & her Choice.. even if it is a very wrong one!
    also perhaps bebo/or any other public networking site, might be the best place to air these issues? Just a thought! x
  • I don't think it was wrong of him to send the info because it was meant with the best of interests and not to offend her but i can see she may have thought he was interfering, personally i would have talked to his brother, i think it is his responsibility to rein her in tbh!
    Not sure what to advise for the future but i think you should air your views to his brother and leave it to him, i don't think you will get anywhere with her!
    Good luck
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