Aw, I've been on the brink of tears reading all this.
I think you will wake up from this nightmare....maybe not for a few months, but the cloud will clear and you'll hopefully harness all your strength and positive emotions and start anew...shedding your skin, if you like.
Ditch the guilt; it's not going to do you any favours! If it were my friend, I'd be encouraging her to face up to all the anger & hurt and trying to release it, in some way. If you can't afford / don't want to see a therapist, how about swimming or running or kickboxing?! Did writing these posts help? If it did, why not write a wee diary so you can get your feelings out of your head BUT without texting/calling him...this us tempting but you have your pride & dignity so do things that will make you feel better, not worse, longer-term.
Finally...good luck! You're gonna need it; I feel for you souch but reckon you can get you and your kids through this, with the support of your parents.
Reading your post brought tears to my eyes I am sorry to have to say this but your husband is a complete scumbag I know it is easy for me to say but you are better off without him and in time you will realise this, it certainly wont happen overnight but as the saying goes time is a great healer and its so true. You WILL get through this and come out better for it with your 3 beautiful kids. You are certainly not weak you are obviously a very strong lady to have put up with it for so long. So glad you have told your parents they will help you get through this do not feel guilty about leaving the kids with them they are in the best place at the moment. Well done for not texting calling him you must keep it up(I know its hard) but in the end he will prob come running back. I know you will get through this and will be thinking of you. Is there not a close friend of anything that can stay with you just for a few days to give you some support? hugs and be strong xx
Big hugs too you. What a crappy thing for him to do.
Don't beat yourself up over your actions/ignoring any signs in the past. You did it because you thought that was the right thing for you.
This may sound horrible, but if you have joint accounts or funds around that you have put into the partnership - contact your banks asap and protect yourself by moving it to a seperate account, or asking for the a/c to be changed so you must both authorise any larger transactions. it sounds horrible, but my Uncle walked out on his wife and 2 kids (1 of whom was just a few weeks old) and cleared out all their accounts! He left her in the house, but without any money to pay for anything which was really shit. Even his Mother never forgave him for that.
I'm glad your parents are being wonderful and supportive to you. Hopefully this will end up being the best thing that could have happened.
Leave him to it for a while, and I would start asking around for solicitor recommendations etc so you can get advice quickly if he makes any requests of you that you aren't sure about agreeing too.
I need you're advice and opinions.......... please tell me what would you have done, would you have done the same?...
Last night I was going through his stuff and I found an old phone bill of his, it wasn't hard to figure out which number belonged to her, because there were hundreds of calls made to that number, some of them lasting over an hour...........all night last night I was wondering whether I should call her or not.
This morning I gathered up the strength to call her...........I don't know if it was an act but she was truly shocked that I was his wife and that he had kids.......I don't know what to make of the fact he kept his kids a secret, I could understanding keeping a wife a secret but if he planned on spending the rest of his life with this woman surely he would have admitted that he has kids? Anyway I was quite nasty to her and told her that she was welcome to him, but to remember that once a cheat always a cheat.
After half an hour later I get a call from him, he was angry, shouting down the phone, he said just because I'm miserable that I want to make everybody else miserable, that I couldn't stand that he left me so I'm getting back at him by ruining he's relationship. He asked how dare I tell her about me and kids, that it wasn't my place to tell, that he was waiting for the right time to break it to her, he asked me if it made me happy to be so vengeful, he asked if I'm happy now that I hurt her so badly.....I told him is not my fault that he is a liar and a cheat and he wouldn't know about honesty if it bit him on the backside, and that I was glad he was getting a taste of his on medicine.
He told me because I was been so vindictive he wanted me out of the house by the end of the month ( the house belongs to his parents who live in Spain and we pay rent to them, he didn't think we should buy a house because he would end up inheriting this one anyway).....he also said that because the other woman kicked him out he was coming back home whether I like it or not and that I would just have to put up with it.
I don't know what to do now, I don't think I could handle living with him in these conditions, but on the other hand why should me and my kids have to be punished for this, we haven't done anything wrong? A part of me wants to stay put until the end of the month and torment him with what his done and maybe finally get some answers to the hundreds of questions which are going around my head.
And the weaker side of me sees this as an opportunity, maybe with him living with us again and the relationship with that woman finished I could make him change his mind?
I really don't know what to do, I am so CONFUSED!!!
I never thought at 25 I would be jobless, soon to be divorced with three kids, and homeless in a month!!
He cannot evict you. You have rights. As I said before see a solicitor asap! Are his parent's aware of the situation?I think its highly unikely they would see their grandchildren put out!
I agree i would change the locks and get in touch with his parents and inform them of his intentions as i dont think they would see there grand kids on the street. He choose to leave so i wouldnt let him back after he had been so nasty,i dont think by the sound of that you would be able to salvage anything and u think you and the kids are better off without him, but having said that it is easy for me to say as im not in your situation. take care hugs (()) keep us posted vikki xx
Hi Maria !! tears were welling up in my eyes when reading ur messages.. but then i read about how he reacted to when u phoned the women up ! What a Wan*er !! Men will always changed things round so that when its their fault we end up apologising for it !! you havnt done anything wrong and its his own fault for not tellin her he has a wife and children he really doesnt sound like a very nice man and sounds like a liar !! you deserve so much better than him hun !!
I know its a horrible thing to happen to you but i think things happen for a reason and for the better ! hes left now which is going to be the best thing for u cause he didnt treat u very nice!
if i was in ur shoes and knowing he was coming back i would act as if im so happy and get dressed up and try and be distracted all the time maybe phone ur friends whilst hes there and just ignour him really and show him wat hes F*%k up on ! the grass always seems greener on the otherside ! that relationship with the other women was based on a lie ! ! I hope ur ok and look after yourself and ur children who are lucky to have a mum and grandparents like u
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all this. I'm not going to comment about your OH as the other ladies have all made it very clear what they think about him!
I do think you should change the locks and not let him in. Why should you give him a home because his bit on the side kicked him out? He chose to leave you - you are not there to be his safety net. He left you, remember? He's had you in tears, broken your heart and cheated on you. Why does he think he has the right to come back when he feels like it? He should be begging you and treating you like a princess, not shouting at you. Be strong - get those locks changed ASAP - if necessary bolt the doors from the inside in the meantime so he can't get back in. Get in touch with his parents NOW and tell them what he's done. As vikkijane said, I doubt they would see their grandchildren out on the streets. Be strong!
I would have rung her hun! And what a surprise....he's been lieing to his bit on the side all this time. Sorry but what a twat!! And he rings and blames you for his mistakes. If she didn't know I actually feel sorry for her too cos he's been leading her up the garden path for the past 2 years. On the other side why didn't she ever think why isn't he with me if he doesn't have any ties? Not everything adds up.
Anyway - do NOT let him bully you. He sounds a nasty piece of work. Consult a solicitor or if you don't feel up to it ask a family memmber or good friend to help you. Don't let this bastard ruin your life more than he already had done.
Sorry for being so blunt.
He'll get his comeuppance in the end - don't worry cheats always do!! xxxxxxxxxxx
I'm not sure ringing her was the best idea but my god, if she honestly didn't know about you and the kids, then you had every right to tell her. If they have been together for 2 years and supposedly so in love, did he honestly think he'd get away without her ever knowing - what a stupid man!
Do not let him dictate to you, get yourself off to a solicitor first thing in the morning to find out your rights. I suspect that you have no formal agreement as the house belongs to his parents, so you may be on tricky ground. If you feel it necessary, get the locks changed and do it today!
If there is any chance you can possibly manage to pack up and get out of there now, then I recommend doing it. That way, he'll have no hold over you whatsoever.
It sounds like things may get very nasty, remember you have to take care of yourself and those 3 lovely children of yours. You have to do whatever it takes to do that. Wishing you lots of luck xx
omg, i really dont know what to say other than what a complete pig, and you will be better off without some one who can do that to you in your life! it probably doesnt feel like it now but it is for the best, once a cheat always a cheat as they say and you deserve better than that. At the end of the day he is the looser in this, as he will miss out on seeing his children every day and watching how they grow change.
I would change the locks!! he cannot seriously expect to do that too you then just walk back in, his parents house or not tell him to get stuffed. he should at least have the decency to give you enough time to find you and the children some where else to live before he demands the house back, it really jsut proves what a pig he is, and you are far beter off without him.
you are only 25 you have your whole life ahead of you, dont waste it stressing over a twat like that.
sending you lots of hugs and best wishes xxxxxxx
[Modified by: flickaty on August 16, 2009 05:05 PM]
I took your advices and changed the locks, just as soon as the locksmith has gone my husband came and when he realised what I have done he was furious banging on the door telling me to let him in and that I won't get away with this. But I stayed calm and did not react to his threat I was just silent praying that he would get tired and leave. In the end he left. I'm glad that I changed the locks; it made me regain some sort of control over things.
In regards to his parents I would rather cut off my right arm than ask them for help. They're horrible people who never liked me and always managed to make me feel like I was the smallest person on the planet, they're couple of snobs....just because I grew up in council home they think they can look down on us.... you guessed it they have a lot money.......and they thought I was not good enough for their darling only son, and his mum never let me forget it........they only met my son once and never seen the girls.....they sent cards on the births of their granddaughters and that was it.
Legally I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to the house, and even if he lets me stay I could never afford the rent, I was planning on leaving as soon as I got back on my feet and found myself a job. But if he did end up evicting us then my dad said that we could stay with them. First thing tomorrow I would go see a solicitor to find out where I stand, and then I will go to the bank and transfer money from the joint account into my account, just in case he decides to empty it. Thank you so much girls for your advices, without it I would still be sitting here crying over what happened, you made me realise I needed to take control over my life again, and there's no use wallowing in self pity when I've got kids to take care of.
When I called my mum this morning to check on the kids she told me she was taking them to the park for a picnic, after the locksmith and Oh left I decided I would join them. We had lovely day, me and mum took them back to her house.......I helped her get them ready for bed and read them a story, tucked them in and kissed them goodnight. I hated leaving them but I knew I couldn't take them back to that warzone, and plus it didn't feel like home anymore.
When I got home, he was there waiting for me at the door. He said ???????well? Are you gonna let us in or are we going to stand here all night??????? I didn't know what to do, he took me surprise, I refused to let him in and ask him to do the decent thing and give me some space but it was all falling on deaf ears..... so now he's upstairs moving his stuff in the spare room, while I'm sat here thinking of packing a bag and just leaving.
I know I keep saying but thanks for your advices/support, you guys have become my rock for the last couple of days, I'm so glad I posts, writing it all is kinda therapeutic. I kept coming back on here all day to read your words of advice, support and encouragement, it helped get through the day.
I've just read your story and I'm amazed at how well you seem to be handling things. Good for you.
As for him, what an arse. Sorry, but he is. If his parents are decent people you should ring them, explain and I'm sure they will understand.
AS others have said you should seek advice, eith CAB or see a private solicitor. He thinks he is calling all the shots and didn't like it that you too some control, by phoning the other woman. Now you need to take control again, find out your rights etc, and stay strong for your beautiful babies.
Your parents are clearly very supportive so I'm sure they will help you out.
Take care hun and don't waste another minute worrying about that lying toad. S x
Good for you, well done for being so strong and for standing up to him! Shame he's there right now though, will be tough for you both.
Definitely get your finances sorted first thing tomorrow and then honestly, I'd start making plans for the future for you and your family. Even if it means staying with your parents for a while, you might be better off emotionally just getting out of it. Don't forget to take everything with you mind!
Do your best to forget him, he's really shown his true colours this weekend.
OMG Maria, the way your story has panned out - you have been so brave and dignified I don't think you need any advice!!!!
Well done you for ringing her (I never would have done - no criticism, just me) but who would have guessed he hadn't even told her about the wife and children!!!!! Turns out she has some decency after all - good on her kicking him right out!
Just remember - you have behaved better than him - you so totally have the moral high ground now! My advice would be to make sure you are not weepy or needy, get yourself organised, looking good, make up intact etc and sorted for a life without him. I was pleased to read about you talking about getting a job and getting a new place - your children are lucky to have a strong mummy like you.
It sounds pretty horrible the way it is now - him in spare room, you in bedroom, but all I can say is you are handling this all so well I don't think I can give you any advice! think he will rue the day he messed with you!
Take all the girls advice on here (esp about the bank accounts) and good luck!
Maria honey you need to leave the house. Do not spend another night under the same roof as this ungrateful tw*t. He doesnt deserve you or the children. Go and stay with your mum - even if it is a squash. Stay away from him and dont let him treat you like this or stop you going to the bank and the solicitor.
Keep us updated - you are amazing and wonderful and deserve to be treated that way!
Well done maria you have been so brave and have kept your dignity, i would have done the same by ringing her. If his parents are like that i would contact the local housing office and tell them and go to CAB and get them to help out and just concentrate on moving out with the kids as like you said its a war zone and no good for them there. Defo go and empty the account i would you need the money to take care of the kids and by the sounds of it he could get even nastier if he is willing to see his family on the street.Hugs hun (()) vikki xx
I have just read your whole post hun & I didnt want to r&r. As all the ladies have said he is an arse & you deserve better chic. You are coping so well & you should be proud of what you have achieved in your children. You are a fantastic mummy & you deserve better than him.. Remember we are all here for you & there is loads of fantastic ladies on this forum who give excellent advice xxx
Replies
I think you will wake up from this nightmare....maybe not for a few months, but the cloud will clear and you'll hopefully harness all your strength and positive emotions and start anew...shedding your skin, if you like.
Ditch the guilt; it's not going to do you any favours! If it were my friend, I'd be encouraging her to face up to all the anger & hurt and trying to release it, in some way. If you can't afford / don't want to see a therapist, how about swimming or running or kickboxing?! Did writing these posts help? If it did, why not write a wee diary so you can get your feelings out of your head BUT without texting/calling him...this us tempting but you have your pride & dignity so do things that will make you feel better, not worse, longer-term.
Finally...good luck! You're gonna need it; I feel for you souch but reckon you can get you and your kids through this, with the support of your parents.
Don't beat yourself up over your actions/ignoring any signs in the past. You did it because you thought that was the right thing for you.
This may sound horrible, but if you have joint accounts or funds around that you have put into the partnership - contact your banks asap and protect yourself by moving it to a seperate account, or asking for the a/c to be changed so you must both authorise any larger transactions. it sounds horrible, but my Uncle walked out on his wife and 2 kids (1 of whom was just a few weeks old) and cleared out all their accounts! He left her in the house, but without any money to pay for anything which was really shit. Even his Mother never forgave him for that.
I'm glad your parents are being wonderful and supportive to you. Hopefully this will end up being the best thing that could have happened.
Leave him to it for a while, and I would start asking around for solicitor recommendations etc so you can get advice quickly if he makes any requests of you that you aren't sure about agreeing too.
Big hugs to both you and your kids.
I need you're advice and opinions.......... please tell me what would you have done, would you have done the same?...
Last night I was going through his stuff and I found an old phone bill of his, it wasn't hard to figure out which number belonged to her, because there were hundreds of calls made to that number, some of them lasting over an hour...........all night last night I was wondering whether I should call her or not.
This morning I gathered up the strength to call her...........I don't know if it was an act but she was truly shocked that I was his wife and that he had kids.......I don't know what to make of the fact he kept his kids a secret, I could understanding keeping a wife a secret but if he planned on spending the rest of his life with this woman surely he would have admitted that he has kids?
Anyway I was quite nasty to her and told her that she was welcome to him, but to remember that once a cheat always a cheat.
After half an hour later I get a call from him, he was angry, shouting down the phone, he said just because I'm miserable that I want to make everybody else miserable, that I couldn't stand that he left me so I'm getting back at him by ruining he's relationship. He asked how dare I tell her about me and kids, that it wasn't my place to tell, that he was waiting for the right time to break it to her, he asked me if it made me happy to be so vengeful, he asked if I'm happy now that I hurt her so badly.....I told him is not my fault that he is a liar and a cheat and he wouldn't know about honesty if it bit him on the backside, and that I was glad he was getting a taste of his on medicine.
He told me because I was been so vindictive he wanted me out of the house by the end of the month ( the house belongs to his parents who live in Spain and we pay rent to them, he didn't think we should buy a house because he would end up inheriting this one anyway).....he also said that because the other woman kicked him out he was coming back home whether I like it or not and that I would just have to put up with it.
I don't know what to do now, I don't think I could handle living with him in these conditions, but on the other hand why should me and my kids have to be punished for this, we haven't done anything wrong?
A part of me wants to stay put until the end of the month and torment him with what his done and maybe finally get some answers to the hundreds of questions which are going around my head.
And the weaker side of me sees this as an opportunity, maybe with him living with us again and the relationship with that woman finished I could make him change his mind?
I really don't know what to do, I am so CONFUSED!!!
I never thought at 25 I would be jobless, soon to be divorced with three kids, and homeless in a month!!
Thanks for listening
Maria
xxx
He cannot evict you. You have rights. As I said before see a solicitor asap! Are his parent's aware of the situation?I think its highly unikely they would see their grandchildren put out!
tears were welling up in my eyes when reading ur messages..
but then i read about how he reacted to when u phoned the women up ! What a Wan*er !! Men will always changed things round so that when its their fault we end up apologising for it !!
you havnt done anything wrong and its his own fault for not tellin her he has a wife and children he really doesnt sound like a very nice man and sounds like a liar !! you deserve so much better than him hun !!
I know its a horrible thing to happen to you but i think things happen for a reason and for the better ! hes left now which is going to be the best thing for u cause he didnt treat u very nice!
if i was in ur shoes and knowing he was coming back i would act as if im so happy and get dressed up and try and be distracted all the time maybe phone ur friends whilst hes there and just ignour him really and show him wat hes F*%k up on !
the grass always seems greener on the otherside ! that relationship with the other women was based on a lie ! !
I hope ur ok and look after yourself and ur children who are lucky to have a mum and grandparents like u
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all this. I'm not going to comment about your OH as the other ladies have all made it very clear what they think about him!
I do think you should change the locks and not let him in. Why should you give him a home because his bit on the side kicked him out? He chose to leave you - you are not there to be his safety net. He left you, remember? He's had you in tears, broken your heart and cheated on you. Why does he think he has the right to come back when he feels like it? He should be begging you and treating you like a princess, not shouting at you. Be strong - get those locks changed ASAP - if necessary bolt the doors from the inside in the meantime so he can't get back in. Get in touch with his parents NOW and tell them what he's done. As vikkijane said, I doubt they would see their grandchildren out on the streets. Be strong!
Anyway - do NOT let him bully you. He sounds a nasty piece of work. Consult a solicitor or if you don't feel up to it ask a family memmber or good friend to help you. Don't let this bastard ruin your life more than he already had done.
Sorry for being so blunt.
He'll get his comeuppance in the end - don't worry cheats always do!! xxxxxxxxxxx
Do not let him dictate to you, get yourself off to a solicitor first thing in the morning to find out your rights. I suspect that you have no formal agreement as the house belongs to his parents, so you may be on tricky ground. If you feel it necessary, get the locks changed and do it today!
If there is any chance you can possibly manage to pack up and get out of there now, then I recommend doing it. That way, he'll have no hold over you whatsoever.
It sounds like things may get very nasty, remember you have to take care of yourself and those 3 lovely children of yours. You have to do whatever it takes to do that. Wishing you lots of luck xx
At the end of the day he is the looser in this, as he will miss out on seeing his children every day and watching how they grow change.
I would change the locks!! he cannot seriously expect to do that too you then just walk back in, his parents house or not tell him to get stuffed. he should at least have the decency to give you enough time to find you and the children some where else to live before he demands the house back, it really jsut proves what a pig he is, and you are far beter off without him.
you are only 25 you have your whole life ahead of you, dont waste it stressing over a twat like that.
sending you lots of hugs and best wishes xxxxxxx
[Modified by: flickaty on August 16, 2009 05:05 PM]
I'm glad that I changed the locks; it made me regain some sort of control over things.
In regards to his parents I would rather cut off my right arm than ask them for help. They're horrible people who never liked me and always managed to make me feel like I was the smallest person on the planet, they're couple of snobs....just because I grew up in council home they think they can look down on us.... you guessed it they have a lot money.......and they thought I was not good enough for their darling only son, and his mum never let me forget it........they only met my son once and never seen the girls.....they sent cards on the births of their granddaughters and that was it.
Legally I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to the house, and even if he lets me stay I could never afford the rent, I was planning on leaving as soon as I got back on my feet and found myself a job. But if he did end up evicting us then my dad said that we could stay with them.
First thing tomorrow I would go see a solicitor to find out where I stand, and then I will go to the bank and transfer money from the joint account into my account, just in case he decides to empty it.
Thank you so much girls for your advices, without it I would still be sitting here crying over what happened, you made me realise I needed to take control over my life again, and there's no use wallowing in self pity when I've got kids to take care of.
When I called my mum this morning to check on the kids she told me she was taking them to the park for a picnic, after the locksmith and Oh left I decided I would join them. We had lovely day, me and mum took them back to her house.......I helped her get them ready for bed and read them a story, tucked them in and kissed them goodnight. I hated leaving them but I knew I couldn't take them back to that warzone, and plus it didn't feel like home anymore.
When I got home, he was there waiting for me at the door. He said ???????well? Are you gonna let us in or are we going to stand here all night??????? I didn't know what to do, he took me surprise, I refused to let him in and ask him to do the decent thing and give me some space but it was all falling on deaf ears..... so now he's upstairs moving his stuff in the spare room, while I'm sat here thinking of packing a bag and just leaving.
I know I keep saying but thanks for your advices/support, you guys have become my rock for the last couple of days, I'm so glad I posts, writing it all is kinda therapeutic. I kept coming back on here all day to read your words of advice, support and encouragement, it helped get through the day.
Maria
xxxx
As for him, what an arse. Sorry, but he is. If his parents are decent people you should ring them, explain and I'm sure they will understand.
AS others have said you should seek advice, eith CAB or see a private solicitor. He thinks he is calling all the shots and didn't like it that you too some control, by phoning the other woman. Now you need to take control again, find out your rights etc, and stay strong for your beautiful babies.
Your parents are clearly very supportive so I'm sure they will help you out.
Take care hun and don't waste another minute worrying about that lying toad. S x
Definitely get your finances sorted first thing tomorrow and then honestly, I'd start making plans for the future for you and your family. Even if it means staying with your parents for a while, you might be better off emotionally just getting out of it. Don't forget to take everything with you mind!
Do your best to forget him, he's really shown his true colours this weekend.
Take care xx
Stands to reason that if he is an arse his parents wouldn't be up to much I guess.
Bloody cheek thinking he can storm in and stay in spare room, after what he's put you through. Aargh, I'm so mad for you.
Glad you had a good day. Good luck with solicitor. Stay strong hun, we're here if you need us. S x
Well done you for ringing her (I never would have done - no criticism, just me) but who would have guessed he hadn't even told her about the wife and children!!!!! Turns out she has some decency after all - good on her kicking him right out!
Just remember - you have behaved better than him - you so totally have the moral high ground now! My advice would be to make sure you are not weepy or needy, get yourself organised, looking good, make up intact etc and sorted for a life without him. I was pleased to read about you talking about getting a job and getting a new place - your children are lucky to have a strong mummy like you.
It sounds pretty horrible the way it is now - him in spare room, you in bedroom, but all I can say is you are handling this all so well I don't think I can give you any advice! think he will rue the day he messed with you!
Take all the girls advice on here (esp about the bank accounts) and good luck!
xx
Keep us updated - you are amazing and wonderful and deserve to be treated that way!
R x
If his parents are like that i would contact the local housing office and tell them and go to CAB and get them to help out and just concentrate on moving out with the kids as like you said its a war zone and no good for them there. Defo go and empty the account i would you need the money to take care of the kids and by the sounds of it he could get even nastier if he is willing to see his family on the street.Hugs hun (()) vikki xx
You are coping so well & you should be proud of what you have achieved in your children.
You are a fantastic mummy & you deserve better than him.. Remember we are all here for you & there is loads of fantastic ladies on this forum who give excellent advice xxx