sensitive topic..reg abortion need advice ...UPDATE

hi ladies and babies hope ure all ok .....

i need some advice from u but i dont want anyone having a go or argueing please image

ok my best friend rang me this morning ..she is pregnant!! totally unplanned and unexpected and ..she doesnt want to keep it ...im totally totally against abortion unless there is a totally valid reason ..e.g rape!!...but she is dead set against having a baby and her oh is sticking by her...she is my best best friend so i have told her my opinion that i hate it BUT if that her desicion im with her 100% and will be there for her ....its so hard i dont want her (a)to go through an abortion i cant imagine it can be anything more than awful (b) to regret it in the long run ...but they have no money she only has a tempory contract at work and they really do scrape by ....she says she does not want to bring a baby into the world that has parents on benefits as its unfair...but there is more to life than money!!..am i wrong for sticking by her desicion ?should i be trying to talk her out of it ? i dont know how to react ,i tried to tell her that i think she would be a fab mummy and that ill help her all i can but she is set on her desicion ...its horrible to feel so dead set against something yet to care for someone so much u help them through it!

does anyone have any advice on how i should be ,please dont anyone have a go at me about it i know its a very sensitive subject but i cant tell ANYONE cos she isnt even telling her parents ..just me and her oh so u girls are my only people i can turn to

thanks in advance of any replies

lisa xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

*******************************************************************************************

ok so after we got off the phone last night her and her oh had a huge heart to heart and.....THERE KEEPING IT ..yipeee im so happy for them ...my only advice to her last night was to follow her heart not her head and she has ...its the totally right desicion she will be a fab mum ..thanks all so much for enabling me to give her the right words of advice

a very happy lisa xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Modified by: chuffedbaby2 on 23 February 2009 09:26:19 ]
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Posts

  • thanks lolly...i have tried to get her to talk about it , i actually think infact i know if they had a bit more money she wouldnt even consider it ,its so sad that she feels like she cant bring a baby into the world cos money is so bad .... i actually hope when she goes to the clinic tomorrow to ask for an abortion that they send her away to think about it for a week and that it changes her mind but i dont think that will happen

    its so hard :cry:

    xx
  • thanks katie ...thank u for telling me ure experience ,i havnt ever been through anything like this before ... i really dont think its 100% what she wants i think she just thinks its whats right!!....

    back in jan she told me she thought she was and i went nuts at the prospect of her getting rid of it i should have made her poas then but she kept saying no its ok ill do it next week etc ..... jack was unplanned and unexpected but it didnt cross my mind to ever get rid of him ..we all make our own desicions but how can i tell her how much she might regret it ?!

    also like u said about ttc after it could take a while ...her oh is 10 years older than her so he might not be able to u just never know ,and life has a habit of payback doesnt it!...

    thanks again for replying hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • she isnt goin to the docs she is goin to the family planning clinic...thing is she doesnt know when she last has a real period...last month she bled lightly for one day ...implantation maybe?!...so i think they will have to scan her ...she might see a baby with a heartbeat...that would kill her ...and if she has to wait for all this the poor baby is growing and developing inside her .....should i try and get her to see that or just be there with her holding her hand :cry:

    xxxxx
  • I had an abortion not long harry was four months. I'm not overly proud of it but it was the best decision we made for everyone involved here.

    They do scan you but you don't actually get to see anything unless you specifically ask. Also while the abortion is taking place i don't think you can have anyone there. though i went on my own so not too sure about that one.

    Best thing to probably do is be there to hold her hand, encourage her to make her own final decision about it and try and see it from every possible view you can think of so you can help her as much as possible. also there'll probably be at some point, her asking if she's done the right thing. I asked my friend this question and i think she was brilliant. She asked me what my heart of hearts told me, rather than saying yes or no and it made me feel so much better for it. And can't beat a good lot of cuddles afterwards image And during image and before! xxx
  • Hey there, god what an awful position to be in for your friend and for you. Its really sad if its just about the money. As her friend though, I think you need to support her decision regardless, if she does go ahead with the abortion, she is going to need her OH and you to lean on. Talk to her again as there should be financial support she can get from the authorities. Once she has the abortion she can't take it back, and it would be horrible if she regretted it, esp if it is the money that is the only reason she is going ahead. Hope that helps a little :\)
  • awww your in a right position there. I was in the same situation when i had my son and really thought i wouldn't be able to care for him but there is so much help around now. She will get her tax credits, child benefit, and i'm sure there is other bits so she will get help with money. I admit i felt evil bringing my son into the world knowing me and my partner didn't have much money but even though i struggled for a while i wouldn't go back and change it now.

    Just go through the pros and cons with her

    Good luck hun

    Lisa xxx
  • That's a horrible position to be in, both for you and her. I wonder if it might be worth asking her outright if money is the only reason she is wanting an abortion. If it is then you could maybe help her find out how much she would actually get in benefits etc. I know she said that she doesn't want to have to rely on benefits, but we all do to an extent as everyone gets child benefit and nearly everyone gets child tax credits. Even if she is on a temporary contract she may still be entitled to maternity allowance, and there is the sure start grant etc (I'm sure you already know all this!)
    If at the end of the day she decides to go ahead then all you can do is be there for her, it will be hard for you but you can always vent on here.
    xx
  • My best mate had an abortion about 6 months after she had her twins. money was a big factor as was the time she wouldnt of had to care for 3, she was concerned that if they went ahead then all 3 kids would of suffered. I think its a womans own decision and i wouldnt say i agreed or disagreed with abortion, i cant imagine i would ever have one but until you find yourself in a position like that i cant really say.
    Anyway i supported her, she had made her decision, she only told me and her oh and i felt this was because she needed people she could lean on and people that wouldnt push her. It has to be the right choice for HER, not for you or even for her oh cos if she makes this decison to keep other people happy she will most def regret it.
    I know my friend thinks about the baby she aborted, but i dont think she regrets it cos it was the right choice for her and her kids.
    just make sure she thinks about how she will feel in future, when she gets prg again will she pine for this baby etc. but ultimatly just be there for her..thats why she told you about it in the first place.
    you must be a good friend to her though if she knows your views and still felt she could talk to you about this!
    x
  • thanks all so much for ure replies and support... in answer to the money question ... i know that this is the only main reason as she said if she had won the lotto last night she wouldnt be doing this (dont we all dream of winning the lotto eh) the other reason is her oh already has a daughter who is 2 and my friend dotes on her ,loves her to peices and she doesnt think its fair on her to have upset and disruption as she has had quite alot already in her short life ..... id like to think im a good friend ...i think the world of her and really want to support her ...she is going on her own to the clinic to see them tomorrow as her oh has his daughter and they cant take her ...i wish i could go but she lives 1 hour away and i cant take sophia with me or leave her with anyone yet ..she is too little to be left .. im so glad ive got u girls for advice and support :\) i suppose some people who think being on benefits is wrong will say she is doing the right thing :roll: she has the view that if u cant support a baby ureself u should bring one into the world ....

    thanks again xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Do you know it's so sad that the minority who pop out babies as a means of getting more benefits have left people like your friend feeling like they shouldn't claim what they are entitiled to in situations like this. I would say though, that as far as her oh's little girl is concerned, that she may not see it as anything to be upset about. My little girl was 22 months when her brother arrived and she seems to think we had him purely for her benefit! She fusses over him like a little mother hen and tells everyone that he is her 'baby barbie' (she can't quite say Barney) I get into trouble if I refer to him as MY baby :lol:
    Good luck hun
    xx
  • Do you know it's so sad that the minority who pop out babies as a means of getting more benefits have left people like your friend feeling like they shouldn't claim what they are entitiled to in situations like this. I would say though, that as far as her oh's little girl is concerned, that she may not see it as anything to be upset about. My little girl was 22 months when her brother arrived and she seems to think we had him purely for her benefit! She fusses over him like a little mother hen and tells everyone that he is her 'baby barbie' (she can't quite say Barney) I get into trouble if I refer to him as MY baby :lol:
    Good luck hun
    xx
  • Do you know it's so sad that the minority who pop out babies as a means of getting more benefits have left people like your friend feeling like they shouldn't claim what they are entitiled to in situations like this. I would say though, that as far as her oh's little girl is concerned, that she may not see it as anything to be upset about. My little girl was 22 months when her brother arrived and she seems to think we had him purely for her benefit! She fusses over him like a little mother hen and tells everyone that he is her 'baby barbie' (she can't quite say Barney) I get into trouble if I refer to him as MY baby :lol:
    Good luck hun
    xx
  • image image image image image image image
    How did that happen? I only pressed submit once and I got 4 posts! The site's obviously gone crazy again :lol:


    [Modified by: Bedhead on February 22, 2009 02:08 PM]

  • This will probably be the hardest decision that your friend every has to make. Whilst I don't think I could ever have an abortion myself, I do have great respect for the fact that your friend is trying to do the responsible thing. I agree that money isn't everything and I know there are benefits etc, but it isn't always enough - and even if it is enough to live on I imagine it is still hard.
    The fact that she is also giving her oh's daughter great consideration in all this is also good - one day she is going to make a great Mummy, but for her, now is not the right time.
    I think all you can do is be there for her, whatever her final decision - but I also think it is really important that you don't try to imfluence the decision in any way.
    I don't envy your position at all, and hope everything works out for the best.

    xxx
  • Hi I couldn't read this and not say anything, personally I share your views on abortion and think it is great that you would stand by your friend but tmi am worried that should your friend regret this decision, despite your views there's a chance she could blame you for not stopping her! It is such a touchy subject so be careful please........ Also if money is the main reason I think perhaps you should point out that maybe now she needs help but there's a big difference between money aid whilst getting yourself back on your feet and taking everything you can forever! Does she think they'll still be in this position in 3 years time? As for the ohs daughter , is she intending to never have children as at some point this girl is likely to have to deal with a sibling and as long as it's dealt with understanding should be no problem., sorry if I'm ramblingi have a lo calling for attention but didn't want to r and r. Best of luck
  • It must be very tricky for you honey {{hugs}} a close friend of mine had an abortion when she was 18 due to many reasons. She fell pregnant whilst on the pill, she still lived at home, she had a good carer young and having a child was just not the right thing for her at the time. Just make sure you're there for her whatever way she turns, my friend saw her baby on a scan and still chose to go through with it, although she seemed a lot more upset about going through with it. Shes now gone on to have a little boy (she's now 22) and says that was the right decision for her, although she found it hard she didn't regret it. I hope your friend is ok. I'm always on Facebook for a chat if you want honey. Jack was a very unexpected suprise for us, Kelsie was only 11 weeks old, and we worried about money and having them so close together, but we manage absolutly fine. I hope she is ok.

    xx
  • I fell pregnant at 19 and did keep my baby, i was a single mum as ex didnt want anything to do with me. as soon as my LO was 9 months old i went back to work full time and worked very hard to not be on benefits. I am now married, still work full time and so does my Husband, we own our own house and cars ect. what I am trying to say is,it always looks glum at first but with alot of hard work having a child young or on your own or on a low income doesnt mean it will always be that way. my Lo has never gone without, i sacrificed things for her so she didnt have to go without,just like any other parent.
    my best friend had an abortion and i was the only person (other than her now ex) that she told. she asked me how i came to the desicion to keep my baby and if i ever regreted it. i told her that there was no way i could live with myself if i had had an abortion but that it was her desicion. she said she didnt feel responsible enough to look after a child (fail contraception btw) and that she had not one bit of happiness about being pregnant.
    she did go ahead with the abortion and says altho she doesnt regret it, she still thinks about when the baby would have been due or if it was a boy or girl ect.
    i think at the end of the day, if she asks for your opion be thurthful but explain that its her descion and that you will be there for her. my friend cried for days on end after the abortion because of the pain and bleeding and as a friend you just have to be there, be strong for her and hold her hand xx
  • Abortion is very much the decision of the woman involved and I'm afraid as her friend you can give her the facts but need to support her whatever the final choice she makes.

    Many people think that money is not a reason to have or not have a baby and that it isn't important. However financial worries are very real and a totally valid point for many people. If that is her reason than that's fine. Extra financial pressure can cause relationship breakdown and even mental illness. I'm not saying this would happen to your friend but it would obviously cause her stress when she would like to enjoy her baby when feeling a little bit more secure.

    I am lucky enough never to have had an accidental pregnancy but there are definitely times in my life where I wouldn't have hesitated. I teach teenagers about abortion and my advice to them is to think through all their options carefully but that neither decision is 'wrong'. I also point out that if they decide to have an abortion then the earlier in pregnancy the better as the methods involved get more invasive as time goes on.

    I totally feel for your situation. I love my baby and can't imagine life without her and would find it hard to understand why someone else would choose to destroy their fetus (I'm not going to call it a baby at this point). However it is her decision and will be a very hard decision. She will need support and not judgement over the next few months and even years.

    Good luck,
    H xx
  • thanks (again)everyone ....i dont think she would ever blame me as she knows how i feel about it and that im simply not giving her a hard time cos she is my best friend ...i think that although its such a tough desicion for her she must know its right as i know i could never ever have one ..we all make our own way in life ..... what i meant about her oh's daughter was that she lives with her mum and her and her partner have just split which means their living with another family member so she is a bit confused as it is right now ,also they live in a 2 bed house and she has her own room which she loves so much i think my friend is afraid of her feeling confused and pushed out ...she loves her dearly like her own ,i guess we all go through this feeling when we have number 2 ?? well i know i did when i was expecting sophia ...

    thanks mrs garfield ackles (u wish :lol: :lol: )ill chat to u on facebook if we got on the same time ,i always seem to miss u and rach on there :roll: :lol: ..please dont mention it on my wall etc as her family and her are on there (i know u wont i just have to say it image )

    the hard thing for me now is im going for lunch with her sis on thurs and have to not say a word ...i wont cos i promised but soooo hard as i think she needs them right now :roll:

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • I wont say a word honey, I promise. I'll send you my mob number and msn addy to your inbox so you can send me a text when/if you manage to get on!

    xxxx
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