oh god - have i just been really selfish

sorry ladies - it is a rant

i feel so bad - its been abit of a journey to get Toby (yes sarah we know for gods sake stop going on about it) but i was talking to an aquantence (sp) outside the supermarket today and they basically said that i was selfish and "cruel" to think about having a baby when i know i will have to go back to a 50 hour a week job. I take things far too seriously but i feel so bad - did i lose my angels because they knew i couldnt look after them properly? And how unfair have i been on Toby to palmn him off on family and childcare.

I feel so guilty now but i have to go back to work to pay the mortgage and we need to do so much to the house - watermains rediverted, electrics redone, subsidence oh the joys of owning your own home.

I have tried to think of ways around it or ways to go part time but there isnt another option - feeling sorry for the most important person in my life


  • I'm glad you said acquiantance rather than friend as no friend would be so obnoxious!! Ignore the stupid person - everyone's circumstances are different and not all mum's have the option of staying home when maternity leave finishes (I'm one of them!). There's no reason that Toby will suffer, and if anything he may benefit from more interaction with other people and other young children - maybe say that to them next time someone gets judgemental about it!

    Ahhh makes my blood boil - don't be hard on yourself there's no need xx

    I know I will find it hard to go back to work, I'd love to stay home with my lo, but we just can't afford for me to do so, and it's unlikely I'll be able to work part-time either image However, if anyone judges me on it they'll get a bloody mouth full and this would be very out of character for me too! lol.

  • OMG!!!! You are not selfish!!! Anything but!! I cannot believe someone said that to you!! You are a great mum and like babybelle says not everyone has the option of either giving up or going part time. Ignore that comment hun, you did not lose your angels because of this and Toby depends on you and knows that you are a brilliant mum! I feel so angry on your behalf, please dont feel like this person has told you anything with truth in it because you know deep down that you are a brilliant mum xxxx
  • what a bitch. next time they say something reply with how wonderful it must be to be perfect.
  • What a terrible thing to say to you! In my experience, people who come out with things like that which seem to really speak to your biggest insecurity often have a hidden agenda and need to put you down to make themselves feel better. Could that be the case in regards to your acquaintance? Maybe she's jealous of you in some way? She is a SAHM and is defensive of her decision to give up work? Please don't take it to heart - you are doing what needs to be done and there are many of us (me included) in your position. Just because we have to go back to work, doesn't mean we don't 'deserve' our children. We are doing our best to provide for our children and to give them the best childhood we can.

    Peeptoe and Hugo

    ps. please remind me I said this when I have to go back to work in October and am filled with self doubt about my decision!!
  • as i said in a similar post not that long ago f*ck her!!! What business of hers is it what you do, is SHE minding Toby, paying your bills or having anything to do with your life eh no so naff off you stupid cow!!!!

    What you are doing is providing Toby with the bast and in time providing a solid future and an understanding of hard work etc that will show him the right ways in life (not that if your a sahm you wouldn't)

    You don't need to be with your kids 24 7 for them to know that you love them and for most mothers (including my good self) staying at home isn't an option as much as we'd like it

    next time ignore her xx
  • Rubbish! Much better to have a loving caring mummy who works hard to give her baby a nice life, than a bitter old cow being mean.

    Ignore her, everyone has to make their life work for them and your LO knows his mummy loves him and as far as I'm concerned that is all that matters.

    Chin up x
  • "An angel in the book of life wrote down your babies' birth, she whispered as she closed the book 'Too beautiful for Earth.'"

    I'm sure you've heard that before, and it stands true. Our Angel babies were never meant to make it to us. But that has nothing to do with how you look after Toby.

    If it was someone you care about making comments, then I can understand getting upset. But you are entitled to be a mummy, and you do a fab job. As a mummy you do what you need to for your children. For some that is working, others it's staying at home. A lot of us would like to stay at home, but in the world we live in, that's not possible.

    You will spend time with Toby, it will be quality time, and you will both be more appreciative of it.

    Ignore her, she doesn't know you or your family clearly. ((Hugs)) xx
  • oh hunny dont you for 1 day think your being selfish,you had a special boy for a very special lady and you more than deserved being blessed with toby,how ignorant for them to say such a thing,some folk just dont no when to shut up or think before they speak

    your a wonderful mummy and thats not going to change just because you work and want to provide toby with the very best...sheesh im pissed off for you xx
  • I'm sorry you are feeling this way, losing your angels had/has nothing to do with your work circumstances and don't ever forget it! Also don't take any notice of what this acquaintance said, you know the truth behind your situation, no-one else.

    Now please don't shoot me but I do know some people who say that would like to be a SAHM but they can't afford it, due to house, mortgage, etc. and I must admit some make me mad! I have friends and family that go to work, in order to pay the bills, etc. but IMO they have stretched themselves far too much and lost sight of reality.

    What's more important a 4 bed house, garage, garden and 2 cars - but spend less than an hour of quality time a day with your children and still have to work most weekends. Or a 2 bed terraced with yard, 1 car and you get to be a SAHM or at worst work part-time?

    Please believe me when I say I'm not aiming this at you, I just wanted to offer an alternative point of view based on my experiences. Try not to take things too personal, like I said earlier you know how you feel and that's all that matters xx
  • i agree to a degree but we have no debt just a 2.5 bed semi on a road as this was cheaper the problem is in South Devon the property prices are comparable to cities and the wages are low - the water rates are the highest in the country. We have to have 2 cars so we can both get to work. We didnt remortgage to go on holiday or by a 4 x 4 infact we have 2 very unfasionable cars as they are cheaper (hyundi Elentra 03 plate 35,000 ??1600- bargain). We do sun deal holidays though we are planning afew days away in march next year just me a hubby to Jersey.

  • Pleased I haven't caused offence and honestly, you don't need to justify yourself to me. Like I said previously, only you know your situation and I really think you should take what this acquaintance said with a pinch of salt, it doesn't deserve anything else. How anyone can say you are cruel is beyond belief xx
  • Id be telling your acquaintance to bugger off!
    And no hon, I doubt very much that is why your angels didnt come. You have proven to be a fabulous mumma x
  • Your far from selfish and cruel hun!

    I believe people who judge others obviously have their own insecurities and are best ignored!

    You are a fab mummy to Toby but he cant live on your love alone, he needs food, warmth and a roof over his head! If to provide this you have to work you have to work, it just means that the time you do spend with him will be quality time and both you and he will appreciate it more.

    Ignore the silly witch, it must be so nice to have such a rose tinted view of the world and to be so perfect you can afford to judge others!

    Big hugs to you and your gorgeous boy xxxx
  • how rude!
    you do what you have to to provide the best for your child, silly moose!
  • Ignore the stupid bitch!! I can't believe someone would actually say that to you!!
    I have to say Lawso I think its a little unfair to judge like that.

    I live in an area of Norfolk where the nearest town is full of cheapish terrace houses but they are all full of junkies and layabouts who don't work but shoplift all day long (i'm not exaggerating, its a hugely deprived area). We had our first house in this area but vowed we would NEVER bring a child up in this area. I don't want my children socialising with junkie scumbags adn going to schools with nothing but trouble!!
    So a few years ago we decided to move out to a 3bed semi in the suburbs with nice green areas, good schools and hard working people. But yes this means I have to work 4 days a week too to support this lifestyle, So yes I am away from my son 4 days a week from 8 til 4.
    I would much rather do this so my son can have a good stable lifestyle and go to a good school and have nice friends with nice parents. I also know when he gets older he's safe walking in the area we live in as he certainly wouldn't be in the town.

    Call me a snob if you like (I can assure you i'm not I married a scouser!! lol!!)
    sorry rant over
  • Summer - I'm sorry I made the comments on your thread, I didn't mean to hi-jack it in anyway.

    I was basing my comments on friends and family I have in this situation, not on anyone else. The houses I am making comparisons with a around the corner from each other, same area, same people, same schools but ??100k more, as they are bigger, have the garden, garage, etc. that so many people strive for. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking anyone who wants this but it just gets my back up when those same people moan about having to work, say they want to be a SAHM but can't afford to, when they could live in a slightly smaller place, give up a few luxuries and not have any mortgage to have to work for!
  • hi lawso, sorry for snapping back then! I get your meaning with your area and yes I understand that. I also have some friends who do everything just to keep up "with the jones" so to speak and always wants a bigger house, newer car etc!! its never ending and that kind of life would wear me down!!!
  • we could move to a smaller house and wouldnt be any better off as we have lost so much on this property and house prices arent that dramatically different. we are only in a 2.5 bed as it is and wont have room if next baby is a boy. we have sold my husbands car last week so i can have an extra 2 months maternity leave, which still doesnt take me to a year. however, we actually do need two cars as neither of us can get to work without one, especially since hubby starts work at 5.30am. hubby is at uni too so we have his tuition fees to find too and they are over ??3k a year! and we get no help from the government beyond the ??20 cb. some people realy dont have a choice but to work. your friends could have a great deal of debt they need to pay off.
  • Hi Summer76, I work full time and my lo is in full time nursery. I have had comments from people saying that I am being selfish putting my lo in nursery etc... However My (!!!!!!) Son LOVES nursery - he is so happy there, has lots of friends and does heaps of things that I would never though of doing myself. Of course I would love to be at home but I just cannot justify it. I have NO debts just a house. My car is pretty much paid off.

    Please don't listen to the person, you are far from selfish, us mums have it hard enough without these comments. My job also includes long hours and I work pretty much every evening when my lo is in bed.

    Emma x
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