The In-laws

Hi Ladies,

Im realy stressing about people interferring, im sure its just the protection instinct but its getting me real down, the in-laws live just 2 doors away so im worried that when baby comes along that they are gunna be around every moment possible and my sister has had a baby and my mum is round there every night bar 3, me and my partner are very independant and although we dont know how we are going to feel we certainly dont like having constant people around us, im going to expect it for the first week as everyone wants to see the new arrival but im so worried its gunna drive me crazy and I wont get to bond with my child image I can see myself hiding from people knocking on the door, maybe im just thinking the worse ???

This weekend the in-laws went and bought us a cotbed & mattress and as greatful as I was I was extremly upset and angry that they chose it when I wanted too, as im sure most mums to be do ?? We firstly said to take it back as I wanted to choose it and had one in mind, but decided we felt too bad and asked them to bring it home so we could have a look, as it turns out it is very nice and im realy pleased but I still feel real hurt that they went out and got it, the mother in-law is a bit of a control freak and with her other grandson tends to take over and interfere alot and there have been many arguments between her other son because of this. We still havent quite finished the nursery yet, and have a horrid feeling that il come home to it all done - and that will not go down well, I just dont know how to approach the situation if it even becomes one !!


  • can you get your husband to tell them you really appreciate that they want to help, and you ae very grateful, but as this is your first child you'd like to choose these things. n future, if they want to buy something big for the baby could you go together to choose?
  • Oooh it's a toughie. I am sure they mean well and it comes from a loving place but I can totally understand your frustration.

    I think you and your husband need to try and set some firm ground rules. Try not to let the parents fall into a routine of set days that they come round. Make sure they know that they are to phone first and not make surprise visits...if they turn up, politely but firmly explain that now is not a good time but they'd be welcome to come back on x day.

    With the cot I would graciously accept it but say that as grateful as you are in future you would prefer them to consult you on big purchases as you have what you want in mind for the baby. Re: the nursery do they have a key to your house? If not, then they'd pretty much have to have your husband let them in, which I am sure he wouldn't do. If they have, might be awkward to demand the key back but hopefully even they'd realise this might be a step too far. You can always repaint it and blame it on the hormones!!!

    I can see this is awkward and you have every right to want things your way but try to be grateful that they are clearly going to be loving grandparents who are interested in you and the baby...the other way round must be even worse.


  • It is realy hard because I am so greatful and I always tell them how appreciative we are and I dont want to sound ungreatful but it realy did upset me. I realise they only have our best interests at heart and are doing us a massive favour but I just feel it's all being taken away from me, and baby not even here yet !!! Im not going to say anything about the cot because thats happened now, but will maybe say something if need be in the future, I guess I am probably worrying over nothing, but I just watch whats going on around me with the other grandchildren and I dont always like what I hear or see !! I find it hard to know what I want and what will be best for my child but because the mother in-law is pushy and think she know's best I dont know what I feel wether its because i want to rebel or wether that is my true feeling, perhaps its just hormones and the not knowing !! (Hope so)
    Anymore advise, please email or anyone else in same situation ???
  • don't sound in the least bit ungrateful, so don't think that.

    It's so hard when you're pregnant (especially if it's your first, I think). Everyone has an opinion on what you should do. I have two well meaning friends who in recent weeks one gave me a full lecture about why I'm silly to be considering a water birth and actually laughed at me. My mother-in-law has offered (when it's big enough) to babysit every 3rd weekend because my hubby works shifts and that's all he gets off. I thought this was really lovely of her but my other friend told me that I shouldn't have accepted this because I won't trust anyone with his/her bedtime routine or probably want to leave it anyway. Right then, clearly hubby and I don't get any social life once little un arrives!!!

    It's completely natural to want to do it yours and hubby's way and it sounds to me like you're being brilliant at balancing your feelings whilst considering your family's too. Try not to worry too much. Just smile and nod politely and then do what you and hubby want ;\)

    FF xx
  • So I guess everyone goes through it someway or another, I just struggle as feel easily influenced and think if i dont listen to that person and I get it wrong then it will be my fault but guess there's no real right or wrong way because what might be right for one might be wrong for the other - right ???
    Thanks for your help and advise you have been a true help. Xx
  • Anyone else having the same problems ? Anymore advise or words of wisdom !!
  • Anyone else having the same problems ? Anymore advise or words of wisdom !!
  • Before I start I have to say my inlaws are amazing. They sound a lot like yours and my view on them sounds like yours too.

    Before Dylan arrived I was terrified my MIL would take over. She is an earth mother born to do it but tends to get very overexcited and buys things as there on sale and can take over but she is no where near as bad as I thought she would be.

    My advice would be to try not to worry too much about how she will be after baby comes as it will ruin your pregnancy and you just dont know for sure. I would have a chat with her not tell her off about buying things as it sounds like you don't want to be confrontational, but maybe say you and oh are going to look at x this weekend and your so excited about it as its so much fun you looking together etc etc. Involve her then after by telling her what you have seen so she feels you are involving her but maintain your distance.

    I hope that makes sense lol

  • I find this tough too, I love my in-laws but at times feel sad that they come over a lot.
    When my LO was born we were waiting to move into our new house and had to move into my husbands grandmothers house (she had passed away) My hubby's 21 year old cousin lives in this 3 bedroom house and his auntie comes up from Brighton every couple of weeks to stay for the weekend. The in-laws also visited all the time.
    Now as an emotional first time Mum i found this situation unbearably hard. I know we were lucky to have somewhere to stay for 4 months (rent free) but we were never on our own for the first 4 months of my LO's life. Everyone was trying to tell me what to do and I was very upset most of the time, as soon as we got into our own house I felt much more relaxed.
    I would let them know how grateful your are for help but would like to get to know your baby and need some time alone as a family. They should hopefully respec t this and call before they pop over. If I have another baby we will hopefully be able to bond and get to know our LO on our own!!
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