Is it my place?

hey girls,
just wanted some advice on something here.

my oh has got a daughter who's 5 from a previous relationship & at the moment her mum has her for the weekend (picks her up from school & oh picks her up sunday monrning) but tegan doesn't like going to her mums all weekend. Trouble being that if oh says this to her she won't listen n just thinks it's because chris (oh) doesn't want tegan seeing her, or depending on her mood she blames it on me (she can't stand me, don't know why n don't really care but thats another story)

But I've been talking to tegan this morning (she's going a day earlier coz it's half term) n she burst into tears when i told her that chris wasn't picking her up till sunday (she thought she was getting picked up a day earlier as well) n it was just now that she said to me she doens't like going to mummy's coz she never does anything with her (days out etc) & that both her mum n her new partner show favouritism (sp?) towards abigail (new child) she sed that she missed jason as well but thats got nothing to do with it atm.

Thing is tho i now feel like i'm having to argue on tegans behalf (she's always been taught not to argue wi adults etc etc so she won't, if she's told to do something nine times outa ten she does it!!) But i feel that it's not my place to get involved coz it's between maggie (tegan's mum) and chris but then i feel sorry for tegan being forced to go somewhere she doesn't want to go & stuck in the middle

As far as I know legally maggie only has to have tegan for 1 day every 2 weeks apart from that it's up to maggie & chris to decide what goes on between themselves when it comes to tegan. Now i'm not one of those people who will go round to maggies n start ranting n raving n having a go but (in my opinion) chris isn't really doing anything for tegan, as in not listening to her about what she wants to do when it comes to seeing her mum n relying that to maggie n basically putting his foot down with her saying this is what tegan wants to happen, this is whats happening.
Tegan has said in the past that she didnt want to spend much time at maggies but I've never seen her have what i call proper tears over it from her before. Was talking to oh dad earlier on before as well n he was saying that if he drops tegan off at school on the friday morning then she goes into school in tears coz she doesn't want maggie to pick her up afterwards.
In a way i feel really bad coz tegans been saying for a while she doesn't like going to maggies n pulling a face when we say shes going to mummys but i didnt know she felt that bad about going there.

I've been on at oh for quite a bit about having a word with maggie, as in just the two of them n sorting things out rather that a temp solution that only lasts 2/3 weeks but he won't do it. Personally I think it's coz he's scared that she will file for full custody n take tegan off him but that isn't gna happen (Oh has had tegan since she was 2 as maggie left n didnt even start seeing tegan properly till abigail was about 6 months old (she's 2 now)

bit long winded here i know but anyone any advice on what to do? leave oh to it, keep pushing him or go round there myself!!! lol, dont really want to do the third option btw!

advie would be appreciated!



  • The only advice I can suggest is that you listen to Tegan. She's obviously not happy with the situation at the moment, and her feelings are the most important.. Your oh should sit down with her and listen properly to what she has to say and then maybe another arrangement made for the weekend. You don't say why Tegan is not with her mother (none of our beeswax anyway) but it does sound just from your post that her mum isn't that bothered anyway! I really feel sorry for Tegan and hope you can sort something so that she's happy again xx
  • hey,

    I think that you need to encourage Tegan to talk to her Daddy about how she feels. And be there to support her. But - I think that you need to try an reasurre her that her mum loves her and wants to see her and try and find something she does like at mummys house - I think this because it seems that she's still going to have to go to her mums and somehow if poss you need to help her enjoy it.

  • Just another option, is there a teacher/grandparent/friend that Teagan is close too? its just if some1 else tell oh as well as you then maybe he will listen more.

    good luck, she is lucky to have you

  • Thanks for your replies girls, been rantin to my mate 2day coz i mentioned it to oh this morning before she went n he threw a temper tantrum at me so i took jason n went out for the day!
    grandparents wise neither side (maggies or chris') could be objective. I personally have no problems with maggie, just she has them with me & if I was there she'd just go nuts at me!
    From what I've heard i think it was a case of maggie wanted more of a social life than you could have with a baby so she just left tegan with chris n left n only wanted to see tegan again after she had abigail, or when she realized me n chris were serious I'm not sure which coz it was about the same time, could have bin a combo of both or none of those reasons.
    One of our other mates has been going through a custody/access battle with his ex wife n he was told that it's only children who are older than 10 or 11 i can't remember who can stand up in court n say for themselves, any younger than that it has to be through a social worker who's trained in that area.
    I think the reason why tegan finds it hard to say how she feels to maggie coz she's one of those children who wants to please everyone which is really nice but it's the task of trying to explain to a five year old that at the end of the day it's her decision with her trying to defying everyone!!!
    Tegan does talk to chris' dad mainly but he just brushes it off or leaves it till it gets really out of hand (ie only saying to me this morning about what had been happening for the past 5/6 weeks) but he's not really the person who could stay objective coz as far as he thinks is she abandoned tegan. I see that as well but at the end of the day its not then that counts its maggie having access to tegan now & spending time with her NOW not what went on in the past.
    I just wish I was on better terms with maggie but I don't even know any of her mates who could drop any hints.
    I'm even say here now typing this trying to think of ways to get tegan to ask subtly to go to the park (maggies got a dog n in tegans eyes going to a field n playing with the dog for a couple of hours would make her day coz we've not got one!) I'll work on oh but if neither maggie or chris start to listen I might take tegan to school one day n have a word with one of the teachers but I don't know if they'd saying anything to me coz i'm not a legal guardian.
    Personally i think chris should go for full custody & considering he's looked after tegan for 4 years nearly he'd get it quite easily!! but that's just me!!
  • I'm gonna play devils advocate a bit here and say that as long as she isnt coming to any harm at her mums then she should be really encouraged to go along and enjoy it.

    I only say this because I used to visit my dad and his "new" family every other weekend from the age of about 4 and hated it. I also got to the stage that I cried and moaned about not wanting to go - right up to the age of 11 when he and his wife seperated. But this was only because I was getting bored there, it was a different way of life with different rules that i had to learn and I hated my step mum. Staying at home was a much easier option.

    However, now I am able to look back and see how these longer periods of time I spent with my dad were important to us getting to know each other and build relationships. As well as with my half bros and sis's. We all now get on great which might not have happened as easily if I hadnt spent the time with them that I did.

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