Are we cruel??...


Jaimi-Lee is now 12 days old (already!! omg! lol) anyway... She is already not settling in her moses at night, so HV suggested we put her to bed on her own and awake so she learns to settle herself. We have done this for the past 2 nights now and tonight and she has settled herself after 10 mins of crying. We put her upstairs at 9pm and she hasnt been waking until 3am for a feed then back down at 4am til 8ish so she is doing great!! image
But i feel sooo cruel doing this soo early! Does it sound like were being harsh? We have a camera baby monitor so we watch her from downstairs and i have to admit it breaks my heart seeing her crying, but after 10mins she is sound asleep, so i know she's fine, but i feel so guilty that were not cuddling her in at such a young age. Has anyone else done this?

Sharon xx


  • Not so young Sharon, but I have done it, yes. At about 6 weeks. She cried for an hour and a half before settling but it was worth it in the end!
    If Jaimi-Lee is only crying for 10 minutes and then sleeping then it's fine. She is obviously not getting distressed and you are so doing the right thing as she will be a brilliamt sleeper and seems to be already!
    My Mum has always said she let me cry it out from birth and asked me if i remember, which obviously I don't (!) and we have a FAB relationship so it didn't do me any harm!
    It is hard though.
  • Hmmm...firstly, you are not cruel (!), but secondly I wouldn't let a newborn cry, and IMO if you are feeling bad or guilty, it's not worth it! She's way too young to get into bad habits. I do think babies should settle themselves to sleep by themself as they do tend to sleep longer stretches, as you've found. But there are lots of ways to settle them without letting them cry: swaddling, dummies, patting their bum, stroking their head, a lullaby cot mobile. Ultimately she's your baby and she won't come to any harm crying for 10 mins, but just saying what I did (apart from the swaddling as I never tried it!) xxxxxx
  • You are not cruel imo, but i have to agree with tiger lily i would not leave a new born to cry for 10mins alone, obviously she isnt too distressed as is settling after that time but maybe stay with her and hold her hand and stroke her head or something. She is your baby tho hun, so it really is up to you but if you dont feel 100% comfortable leaving her, dont. She is still very very young and will learn to settle herself to sleep eventually, dont beat yourself up about it. Do what you think is right.
  • i did this with jayden and very much regret it, i was so hooked up on getting him a routine etc i diddnt cuddle him enough.. and as much as i love jayden i feel i missed out on all the ciddles etc as a newborn, so i would advise you dont do this not yet anyway, i can understand you wanting her to go to sleep on her own, but jayden is 8 months and still dosent go on is own so it was all for nothing when he was all for nothing when he was little xxxxx uch a beuitifull name by the way xxx
  • Of course it is not cruel, babies have to learn to settle themselves to sleep at sometime.

    We had a musical and lights toy to go in lo's cot and he always falls asleep watrching this without any fuss. Might be worth trying? We have the Baby Eintstein baby neptune. He loves it!

    Don't beat yourself up about it and like those above say, she is your baby, if you don't feel right about letting her cry then try something else.
  • hey,

    we never really tried this as when Louise cried we could hear if we left her for just a few minutes then she became really distressed. I cant say she's always been a great sleeper but she is sleeping through the night now.

    I think it depends on what sort of a cry it is - Louise has a 'protest cry' she does quite often when she is tired but fighting sleep, she has another cry when she is distressed . I think only you can decide what sort of a cry it is and if you feel right by leaving her.

    12 days is very young to be worrying too much about her settling herself to sleep, my hv encouraged it from 3 months - she encouraged lots of cuddles and said that you cant spoil a baby until they're 9 months ish. She also gave me an article that said that babies who's cries are answered quickly early on become babies/toddlers that cry less because they know their needs are going to be met and feel very secure.

    She's your baby and you need to do whats best for your family. Also, quite a lot of babies dont like moses baskets!
  • I don't think you are being cruel and I don't think it does her any harm. but I probably wouldn't do it when she is so young. I agree that there is probably a good compramise and that you will definitely reap the benefit of her settling herself. As soon as my lo came home form hosp I put in bedroom in the dark to sleep in the evening. We also had a video monitor. OH would give him his bottle, then I would cuddle him and as soon as I saw a sleepy sign, yawn etc I put in basket (or cot now as we still do the same) then I put on some lullabies and he goes to sleep by the time the lullabies have finished. Some nights he has a wee cry but I go in after a couple of mins and do it again. He's 18wks and never cried 10mins without being held (and trust me he can cry for hrs but always being held)
    You won't be forming any bad habits now and if you want to cuddle her then you should. S x
  • you are being cruel to be kind hun - trust me! I have a 2 yr old that still wakes in the night because he never learnt to settle himself! I wont be making that mistake again - Tyler goes down and dosnt come back out - whether he cries or not I WILL NOT pick him up again. I'd sit next to him and shush him if he ever got hysterical or give him his dummy but thats it and now he is asleep within seconds of me putting him in his cot. xx
  • Hey, i dont think its cruel at all! i dont think theres much point in settling a baby to sleep at every nap time as they become to rely on this and wont settle on their own, hence my friends 1 year who you still have to rock to sleep for an hour and still doesnt sleep for longer than 2 hours at a time. i use to leave tegan to settle herself to sleep, as long as i knew she wasnt hungry, had a clean nappy on and was winded then id let her cry for 5-10mins and its done her no harm, we still have cuddles when she awake and can enjoy them and shes pretty much always slept from 7pm-8am. so i dont regret it at all xxxx
  • it's not cruel but if you feel guilty maybe it isn't the right thing for you to do? We had a horrendous time with Molly and the first 3 months were a nightmare but when she was 3 months we decided to put her down in her cot awake and then leave her to settle herself which has worked great since. x
  • I dont think youre being cruel hun, to be honest It used to break my heart to hear my babies crying so I just couldnt do it, equally though I knew if I kept picking them up at bedtime they would never learn to settle, I used to lay on the bed next to the moses basket and just hold their hand or stroke their face till they settled. Some babies 'need' to cry for a few minuites before they go to sleep it is just their way and if she was really upset then she wouldnt stop crying and go to sleep she would carry on.
  • I think you are doing the right thing. Not being cruel at all.
    However if you do feel guilty do what feels right for you. Stoke her head for a while she's crying until she settles. Then when she is older do if for less and then over time you can leave the room whilst she's still awake and can settle herself. That's what we did with our lo (now 1) and she goes to sleep by herself.
  • I personally never let my children cry, when they are so young they cry for a need and a cuddle or just to look at your face is a need. I would try picking her up, cuddling her to settle and then lay her down and keep repeating till she stays, I have also seen the article mentioned in another post about babies who's cries are responded to quickly cry less when they are older as they feel you understand them.

    My 16 week old wouldn't go in her moses basket at night to sleep but would go in her crib next to our bed, I think she could tell the difference.

    On the other hand she is your baby and only you know what works for you and your baby. xx
  • I didnt start putting Evan down on his own till he was 3 months and he now settles within a couple of minutes - its different for every baby - I agree with hayleyspirit that even though Evan goes down and settle on his own he never has slept through the night. They are only newborn for a while and cuddles are harder to come by as they get older!! but do what you think is best and if she isnt distressed then fair enough your her mum so only you know her best
  • Whoa can't believe how many people do the same. I def agree with SB! To me, a cuddle is a need for Gabe too and not just him deliberately being annoying. I have on the odd occasion cuddled or rocked him to sleep, and as a newborn he frequently slept face down on my chest for a lot of his daytime naps, now he is 9 months and he NEVER falls asleep on me anymore, he really resists being rocked, and sleeps 7pm - 8am every night unless he's ill or teething!

    I also had him in my bed for quite a while before when he was ill and it NEVER became a habit and he went back in the cot with zero probs. xxxx
  • I don't think you'll find anyone on this forum who'll think you're cruel and I don't either. I do think you're a new mum who is listening to their hv though instead of going with their gut instinct (and if you're asking us if we think you're cruel you can't be happy with what you're doing).... 12 days is too young to be leaving your LO to cry even for 10 mins. When you think our babies have been carried, cuddled, kept warm and fed inside our tummies for 9 mnths and now they're in this big cold, horrible world and wondering 'wtf is going on!?'

    Having battled with colic for 10 wks with Faye and we have had nights upon nights of her crying absolutely inconsolable there is no way I could leave her to cry in her bed, but on the other hand obviously there are times when mummy just has to do things and they have to wait!!

    As some of the others have said I wouldn't push for a routine just yet, enjoy these days as they fly past..... you have weeks in front of you to get things right, she is even too young for crying/cuddling/stop crying to become a learnt behaviour
  • Hiu hun, hope you're ok. I don't leave Riley to cry at all and never have as i'm such a wimp, and believe as Tiger Lily says they arent crying to be annoying or manipulate. I do believe they should settle themselves, but for me i'd rather find any other way of him learning to settle rather than to stop crying when he is in his cot as he knows nobody will come to help him. It is up to the mummy what to do of course, and you must do what you feel is the right thing. I promise you though, if you do things a different way you will still get the same end result of her settling, just in a way you feel comfortable with. Riley liked to be swaddled to sleep, and after a couple of weeks of me watching him go to sleep, I gradually withdrew until was out of the roomand he would go to sleep alone no problems at all. Now i'm stopping swaddling though it's a bit tricky, but even so, last night he went off no problem at all. It sounds from your post that you don't feel entirely comfortable with leaving her, so maybe you could try something else and use leaving her as a last resort? The main thing which put me off was that I did read that you shouldnt leave them to cry until 3 months old as they don't understand, and have a genuine need for you at the time, so it can cause issues in the future, but this does sound like one of those unproven things. I really miss cuddling Riley when he was all sleepy, he arches his back now to get away and into his bed. No doubt when he's crawling i'll have no chance! xxx
  • mrs j ask yourself this- do you feel in your heart its cruel? if your instincts say cuddle her then do it- she's your baby and is only 12 days old she's not going to pick up any bad habits yet she's too little. she will learn to soothe herself in time but at the moment she needs to know you are there for her when she needs you. i posted on here about evie not settling and screaming everytime she goes in her moses, we got the best nights sleep last night we had in ages by putting a hotwater bottles in with her- she slept like a log only waking for her feeds at 1:45 and 6;45. jaimie will settle into a routine but its only been 12 days. only you can decide how you deal with this, but the fact your asking if its cruel sounds like deep down you dont want to let her cry and also why put yourself through the anguish of watching her cry herself to sleep. do whats right for you and her and if that means holding her while she cries then do it xxxxxx
  • Rachel - did you leave hot water bottle in the moses with her? Pleease dont do that hun!!!! Always take it out before you put Evie in.

    [Modified by: **Tiger Lily** on February 13, 2009 08:57 PM]

  • when they get to a couple of months old they tend to be able to settle themselves to sleep anyway. i never left millie crying when she was so young i put her to bed when i went to bed lol she didnt start getting into a routine and going to bed at 7 til she was about 6 weeks oldish. u sound like u know what u are doing and its working for u so mum knows best image x x
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