letter to my husband...UPDATE

i've just sent this to my hubby at work... do you think he'll get the picture?

ok, you won't be expecting this but i need to write down exactly how i'm feeling, rather than just thinking about it, you need to know.

I'm fed up, and i'm sick to death. I do not think now is the time to be trying for another baby, i've realised this past week or so that my life is far too difficult and tiring and demanding as it is without another little one to find time for.

Heres a wake up call - YOU are not doing ENOUGH and it is NOT good enough.

i spend 5+ hours 5days a week with my daughter. That time, is mammy time. my job = mammy. My daughter needs playing with, i need to show her things, teach her things, show her a fun time, watch her like a hawk so that she doesnt hurt herself or destroy our house, i need to wash her, clothe her, feed her, change her.

The other 5hours a day is spent at work, far less physically demanding, though mentally draining.

Because i work half a day every day - i need to slot in some "getting washed and ready for work time" inbetween GE and mammy time. this is essential, otherwise i'd go to work with un-ironed clothes, BO, and hair like a chip pan.

Because we have our parents come to look after evie in our home, i must also slot in some "making the house presentable time" which includes hoovering, picking up and putting away and washing the dishes - anything else can be put on hold. This is an essential job so that YOUR mum doesnt criticise and make snide comments about the state of the house, and so that MY mum (and lil) don't feel like they have to do it themselves. also neccesary so that evie does not eat crumbs from the carpet, and so that our guests and room on the sofa to sit down and dishes to eat off and drink out of.

So, in a 10hour day, if i do say so myself thats a hell of a lot of things so slot in - especially considering our 1year old now sleeps very very little and is usually awake and running riot whilst these other relevant jobs are trying to get done.

If at all possible at any moment mammy must also eat. Usually this will be a nibble on a nutrigrain bar and possibly a yoghurt washed down with a cold cup of coffee. Eating is not as high a priority as the above jobs, though is neccesary if i wish not to collapse at work.

All of the above = lots of stress and very tiring. In the mean time Ben is at work typing away on the computer, filling in some forms, doing a bit of filing, talking on the telephone etc etc. A very important job for bringing home the bacon - though not exactly exhausting.

Our house, generally looks like a bomb has hit it.

Here are some jobs that need doing in our home and notice my name automatically crops up beside most of them...

*hoovering - lynsey
*dusting - lynsey
*cleaning the loo and bathroom - lynsey
*sweeping and mopping floors - lynsey
*dishes - either of us, though lynsey if they are going to be CLEAN when put away
*ironing - lynsey
*washing clothes - either of us
*picking up around the house - either of us

so... when did we decide that i was the only one capeable of doing those chores? And most importantly when the hell am i expected to fit those in amongst my other jobs?

The evening arrives (finally) and You notice how exhausted i am, and even comment on me going to bed early "it's only 8pm you cab't possibly be ready for bed yet!" Though i try to muster the strength to do the ironing or the dishes, i am exhausted, and it is the last thing i can be bothered to do. I collapse in bed/on sofa.

You on the other hand are adament that you are not tired..... and so proceed to play on the playstation or on the computer.

You never get up in the morning to go to work nice and early, and sort out your flexi time, or make sure you can get home early to help with evie's tea and bedtime routine. Infact - you can't even prioritise your time to fit in a shower every day or every other day which quite frankly is immature and disgusting.

The weekend comes and most daddies would think "fantastic, i can spend lots of quality time with my daughter, take her out places, show her a fun time, give mammy some times away from her". Usually the reality in our household is an argument over who most deserves a lie in, who should be "lumbered" with evie and have to take her out and entertain her, i usually get snide comments made to me about how you've changed more nappies that day or done more feeds than me, or you will point out that it is my "TURN" to give her her meal. (well done - pat on the back) I DO IT EVERY FUCKING DAY.

you NEVER say thank you that i've tidied the sodding house up, that i've ironed your shirts or made sure you have clean underwear in your drawer. It never accurs to you that even though motherhood does not come with a written contract and a salary i actually work a hell of a lot harder than you and it knackers me right out. It doesnt seem to occur to you that if you help out by washing the dishes before bed it one thing ticked off my list for squishing in the next morning before work.

I'm the one who gets up to settle evie through the night, usually more than once, and then i struggle to get back to sleep while you snore away peacfully next to me.

Have you noticed that i no longer offer to give you a lie in, or do it off my own back? i no longer wake you up at 11am on a saturday with a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich? do you know why?? because you never do it in return so i figured why on earth should i bother?

You are quick to judge me if i dont do a particular job or if i ask you to do it, or if the house is messy. But you still, after 2years of being together and 1year of having our daughter, cannot acknowledge how much i ACTUALLY do. i am NOT lazy. i work bloody hard every single day, and fully earn my rest in the evening.

roles need to change and you need to step up a bit sunshine. there is A LOT more you could be doing to help, and if you don't - you can leave.

I love you, but i need more from you. i'm tired ben.

[Modified by: linziMc on 04 December 2008 19:07:08 ]
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Posts

  • Holy cow that is definately going to get a reaction! Actually its really well written and I think a lot of us can see ourselves in parts of it. Good for you, I really hope it works.
    xxx
  • sounds soo very familiar, if anything like my ex, he will change for a week then baqck to normal, i really hope he does change for you, cos i know how draining it is, and how hurtful the snidey comments are etc good luck xx
  • i hope he gets the message, honey!!

    sometimes it needs something like this every now and then to give men a kick up the arse

    hopefully he'll be ringing you very remourseful anytime soon.........
  • Well if he doesn't get the message now he never will. I know it is easier to write things down but do you think it's ok to send something like that to him at work? Sorry if I offend you saying that.
    I know I'm lucky with my oh as he does a lot for the both of us, although I do have to prompt him a lot. But he does help a lot with the housework.
    You sound like you do a lot more than me in the day too! Maybe I need to pull my finger out!
  • very well written linizi and yes give it to him. Sometimes it takes a kick in the teeth before they step up a gear. I sometimes feel like writing the exact same thing to oh although im not working. Will wake until the house is in a better shape first.
    Please inform us of his reaction to it image

    thought I better just say, sry to hear you are having a rough time...Ive also told oh when je can look after our daughter properly, then i'l consider mothering another child.
  • i wrote a letter thats sounded alot like that one to my ex. after spending ages writing it, getting angry and crying he wouldnt evan read it. i told him i would leave him if he wasnt going to read it so he did but nothing changed. i split up with him last week and we are both doing alot better without each other x
  • Well done hun! You have to say what you feel, i know exactly how you feel though. If you dont it might end up in huge arguments thats no good for either of you or youre little girl! Im sure he'll see the error of his ways! Lol! x
  • me & oh had this convo a few months after lo was born. has to be said.

    good for you & good luck
  • Well i hope he listens to what you have to say.
    i have felt like writting a letter like this to martin at times but i think if i took the time out to do it i wouldnt have the time needed to get all the stuff done around the house.
    as i dont have a job that involes me leaving the house and getting payed i do everything in the house, the only thing he dose is take the bin out once ever 2 weeks,
  • i wrote mark a similar email a couple of months ago - we had a big row and he said he'd help out more.
    He didnt' so i stopped doing anything at all, except things for Ollie and he soon got the message.
    Now he'll do all the washing up, and even cooking if i dont feel like it, and he'll play with Ollie to give me time to sort other things out... he will do the washing and the drying if it needs doing and i havent had time, and he does the hoovering image

    his latest rant has been about spending money on xmas pressies - until I asked him exactly which ones he'd bought - NONE of them! :lol: He soon apologised.

    Keeping my fingers crossed he understands and changes a little to help you out more.
    xxxxx
  • Flippin' heck girl! Good on you and I really hope he wakes up and smells the coffee.
    Hope it made you feel better too as I find when I feel like that it builds up and eventually I explode all over the place which isn't helpful so well done you. x
  • I may copy and paste and hand it over to my OH lol! Fingers crossed from Harry and me too. And if he does need a PROPER kick up the arse, then i'll be second in line to help out xxx
  • Good for you Linzi, it sounds as though this needed to be said. I really hope he understands why you had to do this and it makes him realise that things change when you have an LO and that it's time to grow up!

    Good luck.
  • i wrote a letter like this a while ago and got a very negative reaction but i think that was because he knew i was right and didnt know where to go from there. there are no excuses atall but if he doesnt give you the reaction you wanted it may be because he is really doesnt know how to put things right.

    On the other hand i totally understand how frustarating it can be. Why cant men be more like us-life would be so much easier!

    Good luck x
  • sorry, just read my msg back and it doesnt sound very understanding (which i am!) and it doesnt really make much sense-sorry having a stressfull day x
  • hope he gets the picture hun,def be a shock for him at work! me and hubby have fallen out alot lately too! lol dosnt seem any one is getting on, hope it works out for u, i bet he dosnt even have a reply to it he is prob gobsmacked! xx
  • i can relate to a lot of these issues..i just dont have the guts to confront him about them. well done you! i hope he takes notice!!!!
    x x
  • They need a good telling off now and again they get far too complacent and forget we exist and exactly what we do!
    My oh looks after lo on a wednesday when i work and he dreads it because he says how hard he is to look after, i come home and he starts telling me things he's had to do, and this week i said, did you do the polishing? mopping? general clean? actually looked like a bombsite when i came home lol

    http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/p/dev192pp___.png

  • Wow! Good for you! Hope it helps to improve things for you, let us know how he reacts!

    Lisa and Louise
  • i wish i had ur balls!!
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