Having it adopted...

Hiya. Im in total shock. I caught up with my friend who I havnt seen for a while what with baby and everything yesterday. We were chatting and i said when are you and OH gonna have a baby then ...joking. She gave me a funny look and I guessed she was preg, thinking she was only early... BUT thirty weeks gone! Apparently she didnt find out til last week.

She obviously cant have an abortion now but her OH has convinced her to have it adopted. She flits from here parents to his and doesnt know anything about what she is entitled to etc. I spent yesterday trying to convince her to a)tell her parents...she is nearly nineteen. b)change her mind.

She does not want to give it away and we were chatting and she says she wants to bf so i guess she cant be convinvced about having it adopted.I offered to let her move in with me. Im going to her booking in appt today with her and will be there all the way to hold her hand.

I was up all night thinking about it and worrying. IO couldnt bear if she gave it away as it would really break her. She is always the victim in a relationship and being told what to do, I really think this could be the break she needs to stand up for herself.

What else can I do apart from be there for her.. I even thought of offering to have LO myself so she could bond and hopefully want to keep it.

Please help girls, I am so confused and on edge.

PS Sorry for rambling :\?:\?

Posts

  • thankyou... i hope i am. I said to her that if she thinks that i am taking over or running her life to tell me to stop but she said it was nice to have someone to talk to who has been through it recently. He is a prat and I might have a word with him. It took a while for my OH to get used to the idea but I found out when I was eight weeks. They have only got ten weeks to adjust emotionally etc.
  • What a good friend you are - good luck to her, best wishes, jules x
  • Oh love where do you live?

    The only reason I ask is that I used to (prior to baby) work with young homeless - i'd have to know a bit more about her situation but I might be able to help let you know what she is intitled too and or help sign post you in the right direction to get some support..

    Please try to remember even if you are trying for a baby it can be a bit of a shock when it actually happens so to find out so late she is prob feeling very over whelmed.

    It's best if she can make an informed decission about what she wants.

    Adoption is a very final option - there are things that can be done before that.. i.e mother and baby units to help teach her to manage, support worker, foster care so that she doesn't have to make a choice right away.. would she feel diffrently if she had support set in place? x
  • I have just phoned my local council to ask about councilling options for her to help her decide. Have learnt that babies are put in foster care for six weeks to allow mother to change their mind. She isnt exactly homeless because she always has the option of going home to her parents who are lovely people. Just cos she hasnt told them yet it is awkward.

    I cant imagine how much pressure she is under. We live in shropshire in the west mids.
  • im really sorry for your friend and for you been in the middle. if she wants to bf i think she would like to actually keep the baby. she needs to do what is right for her and the baby not what her div of a boyfriend wants. there is alot of support for her as it must be love says she may feel alot more confident when the right support is in place. you are obviouly a very good friend and she is very lucky to have you. xxx
  • oh hun, her boyfriend sounds like a right arse! I think before you can go through with adoption you have to have counselling sessions and stuff so they can make sure your making the right decision. thats what i assume happens anyway. anybody know for sure? im sure that in these discussions it would come out that she really wants to keep it.
    Plus 10 weeks is long enough to bond with your growing baby and once she holds that lo, if its not what she wants she wont be able to do it!
    you are doing all the right things by the sound of it, go with your instincts on how to support her cos you seem to be doing a grand job xx
  • thankyou everyone...heres to hoping she gets rid of that w*anker and realises before it is too late what a wonderful gift she has been given!Just so hard to say that to her cos she does(strangely)love her OH. Thinking her parents will prob set her sraight if i can get her to tell them. They might be a bit shocked and upset but ultimately supportive i think
  • 6 weeks is not very long tbh as post birth for a while you can be all over the place emotionally.

    I worked with one girl whom met a lad off the internet had sex with him didn't know him really - fell pregnant didn't know for ages - her dad was a violent alcoholic and her mother was dead so she was very scared and felt completely unable to cope. She put her baby in foster care as she wanted her adopted so they were looking for a family, but thankfully there was insight enought to see that if she was given the right support, skills, taught how to take care of her baby & helpped to build a relationship with her, this was quite a while ago - I bumped into her not that long ago in an M & S changing rooms she got her baby back full time and has been in a relationship with the dad for a year. I know of course not all stories have a happy ending - but I was so please to hear this as I knew she would make a lovely mother and I had worked with her very hard during my time with her to help her reach her goals.

    perhaps its worth getting her to write down all her thoughts about it and then the reasons for the way she feels the way she does.. to see if some of the causes can be resolved - maybe things won't work out the way we hope but at least if all options are explored she knows she is making the right choice for the right reasons.

    The young people I worked with had a varity of issues homelessness was just the tip really.. x
  • I know it isnt a long time but it is also one of the strongest times for bonding... I sincerely hope that she will keep it. Think one of her main worries is financial issues but when she has it she will be better of than be cos my fiancee works full time and we live together. I know living off benefits is not the answer but if it is only til you get on your feet and if it means puting her mind at rest about the financial responsibilities then it is worth it.
  • Yeah if it's only about money there is loads of help there are grants and charity money that maybe she could apply for - as it is there for vunrable people like her! x
  • this may be a bit late, so sorry if it is, and of no use to you!

    at the booking she needs to let the midwife know of her intentions - she will organise a social worker who should go through everything with her, so she can then understand that she can go it alone - if that is what she chooses, and that there will be help - emotionally and financially for her.

    as for her oh - tread carefully when you are discussing him - it could end up going pear shaped between you and your friend if she knows what you think of him, and she does decide to have the baby adopted and stay with him. you need to support her whatever she chooses, although it may be very hard for you to do that. for some reason, sometimes "love" gets in the way, and we cant all understand that!! (esp. when we know he is a prat!!)

    when babies do go to foster care, mum's are allowed to have them with them in hospitals in many cases - i still cant decide if this is a good thing or bad - you start to bond with them, yet then they go off somewhere else - maybe for your friend, this would be the deciding factor and she could take the baby home with her anyway

    i hope it all works out for her, and that she does make the right choice for her!

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