taking children to a funeral-advice please

Replies

• Baileywithbabyboy

  Jan 13, 2011 2:00PM

  firstly i'd like to say im really sorry for your loss.
  
  
  
  I wouldn't take them, especially the 2year old.
  
  
  
  I took my youngest daughter to my granpas funeral, she was 7 months and just slept through it in her pram.
  
  
  
  My oldest at two didnt understand at all what dying ment, shes 5 now and still doesnt understand it. She knows people die, as her hamster died and now she is terrified of dying.
  
  
  
  Do you know if he is to be buried or cremated?? I would think witnessing an burial would totally terrify a child.
  
  
  
  xx

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• _B-U-T-T-E-R-F-L-Y_

  Jan 13, 2011 2:07PM

  thanks for the reply, he will be cremated. im really stuck on this one- my husband says its my choice but i dont know what to do for the best xxx

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• Baileywithbabyboy

  Jan 13, 2011 2:43PM

  Well thats a little better then i guess?!
  
  
  
  I recently went to a funeral where there were children present, obviously it was very emotional. The children seemed to be quite upset by the adults being upset if you get what i mean??
  
  
  
  xx

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• JennaandGracesMum

  Jan 15, 2011 11:09AM

  sorry for your loss.
  
  Last year when our daughter had just turned 5 my mum died (her granny). We took her to the funeral in the church and she was as good as gold and took it all in her stride. We didnt take her to the cemetry for the cremation. i knew that it was the right decision for us as a family. I do believe it is how you explain it to the child, we told her that there would be lots of people sad especially Mummy and that there may be crying once again Mummy. We gave her the choice and she wanted to say goodbye to her granny. I worried for weeks but am glad that we all got to say goodbye and she talks about it in a good way. Hope that helps,

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• JennaandGracesMum

  Jan 15, 2011 11:21AM

  Hi sorry for your loss.
  
  Two years ago my mum died and my little girl was 4 and she went to the church service but not to the cremation. I do believe it is in how you explain the church service and that there will be people sad and crying and not to make it to complicated. We asked her if she wanted to come, she said she wanted to say goodbye to Nanny. At the time I don't think she 100% understood everything but she went to the service and sat on her dads lap through out and was only upset when I got up to do a speech and cried through out. For us as a family we know it was the right decision and she now talks positively about her Nanny.
  
  Hope that helps.

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• eloquine

  Jan 17, 2011 3:11PM

  Hi I'm very sorry to hear your sad news. I have found this link which has a section about taking children to funerals. It might help. I know a friend looked at this recently.
  
  
  
  http://shop.forgetmenotbox.co.uk/epages/es135729.sf/en_GB/?ObjectPath=/Shops/es135729/Categories/Ask_Our_Experts
  
  
  
  xx

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• peanutsmum

  Jan 21, 2011 7:20PM

  I know it's maybe a bit late but first of all sorry to hear about your bereavement. I differ from many people in that I am a firm advocate of children at funerals and in all parts of the mourning process. I really believe that if you explain death in an age appropriate way and treat is as a natural part of life (this in no way downplays the pain of losing someone) they can and do cope with it, and that it is more confusing and scary to exclude them. My dad died when I was 6 and I was at his memorial service (he donated his body to science so there was no burial or cremation). I attended my uncle's funeral at the age of 2. I remember being sad that my dad had died (though the full impact came later as I grew up) but not distressed by the actual service. That said it is an extremely personal thing and what I feel is right for me and my children may not be for someone else. I really hope you have managed to come to the best decision for you and yours and that the funeral goes/went according to plan. Hope I have not upset or offended because that was not my intention.

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• _B-U-T-T-E-R-F-L-Y_

  Jan 22, 2011 1:22PM

  Hi, thankyou so much for all the replies, the funeral is first wk of feb so its constantly on my mind at the moment, im torn between what to do, i can see both sides of taking/not taking them to the funeral but i dont want to make the wrong decision and end up regretting it
  
  xxx

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• Sammyandthekids

  Jan 31, 2011 10:04AM

  in my opinion, dont take either of them, when my dad died a few years back, there was some families who brought screaming, noisy children with them and i was so angry as i couldnt hear what the lady was saying about my dad. its definately not a place for children but as i said thats my opinion x

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• prematurebabyinfo

  Feb 1, 2011 5:25AM

  i think each family as personal views, my dad died i had a 4 year grandaughter my brother had 7 children all under 10 who loved him to pieces should they see the coffin, attend funeral my own experience as a child was terrifying i was scared of funerals so much so it effected me in adulthood so we made decision to tell them about death, draw pictures to put in coffin each child said goodnight to grandad at th coffin side and take ballons with a message to the graveside. we let the balloons up in the air and the children are not affraid and we felt it was the right thing to do fear can cause probelms later in life try not to put children in a similar position as i was

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• clalee

  Feb 1, 2011 5:59AM

  I saw this and wanted to say I'm sorry to hear of your loss and good luck with your decision. What ever we say it has to be what feels right for you.
  
  
  
  I don't have any children yet, but can tell you my sister brought her children to my brothers funeral, they also came to his burial. At the time they were 5 and 2 they aren't worried about death and dying even now five years later. But then my mums family comes from an irish catholic tradition. Death is just seen as another step not something to be feared, my brothers body was kept in my parents back room until his funeral (with the heating off and the windows open in November) and we all went in and out having a chat "with him" in the time leading up to his funeral including my nephews. It's something I remember doing as a child too with my great aunts. (My sister is a nurse, she used to work on care of the elderly wards and often came home wondering why other nurses were worried about laying out someone who'd died, it never phase her she just saw it as the last bit of care she could offer. She's since put it down to our upbringing.)
  
  
  
  When we were kids my Dad found it a little weird, he was sent away when his Grandad died (he was 6), he wasn't even told about it till after the funeral and says he has always regretted not being allowed to say goodbye properly. He does believe we were less worried about death than he was as a child. But he's not sure how a similar upbriging would have worked for him as his mother would have been very worried and on edge about him being there. Which may have made him more nervous about what was going on.
  
  
  
  I'm not sure I'll have helped. Personally I would take children to a funeral, but you have to do what suits you.

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