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My daughter wasn't a late miscarriage

I am rather upset that my eldest daughter's death is classed as a late miscarriage. She was born at 23 weeks and 6 days alive. The doctors point blank refused to help her even though she was breathing on her own and had quite the set of lungs. After they refused to help her I had to say goodbye. She died at 5 minutes old in my arms. I have had miscarriages she was not a miscarriage. So I don't understand how she can be classed as a late one. She was born, lived and died. I say she was a baby loss not a miscarriage. As that is the truth. It wouldn't be so bad if health professionals who speak to me afterwards didn't say " a late miscarriage" as if it was nothing like my daughter was nothing. Pees me off big time when they do that. I wouldn't wish the loss of a baby on anyone but I do wish people understood alot more than they do. So they'd stop with all this insensitive and down right horrible remarks. I didn't get to bury the two I miscarriaged on before I fell pregnant on her. But I buried her. I had to watch as my little girl was carried into my childhood church in a tiny coffin. I had to endure the pain of saying goodbye forever having it sink in like a knife in flesh. Yes I mourned the two I miscarriaged and not a day goes by that I dont miss them, wonder what they would have looked like, what gender were they etc. But giving birth to child you know shouldn't actually be born yet, have them scream to high heaven when they come out after being told by a horrible woman not to expect them to come out alive only to have help refused and for the baby to die in your arms at 5 mins old is something no one would forget in a hurry. Something that stays with you and haunts your dreams. Miscarriages are a loss and they do hurt like hell not just the physical pain but the emotion of losing a baby too. When I lost my two they barely looked like anything let alone a small human. I don't mean that harshly I loved them very much still do. But to have an almost fully formed baby die in your arms it's not worse not better it's just super painful. I don't get why anyone thinks they can say she was a late miscarriage majority of the time in a disrespectful and insensitive way. Giving the "I don't give a rat's arse if you lost a baby I need you out of here so I can see the next person or go home" sort of attitude. I'm not the only one who has witnessed that foul attitude. A friend of mine did and was good smacked

Replies

  • Can't see a way fo edit it. At the end was supposed to say gobsmacked not good smacked
  • I’m so sorry for your losses...it’s a horrible shite thing that you went through... I know!  my daughter was 31 weeks I found out she died when I was pregnant and had to carry her for two days and then give birth... tbh I have blocked most of it out as it hurts so much... I just want you to know she was not a late miscarriage she is your daughter and unfortunately people who have never been in the situation can find it hard to relate especially to something so distressing... please message me if you want xxx
  • I completely understand what u mean. I lost my daughter at 21 weeks she too was born alive and died within ing a few minutes..  She breathed by herself and the doctors had her down as a Termination of pregnancy! I was livid. I had asubchorionic hematoma so large it had detached my placenta causing a placental abruption which triggered my waters to break. But my labour didn't start on it own. The hospital kick started it. At the tiem wati didn't know was whatever they had given me to induce my labour is the same drug they would use to give someone having a termination past 16weeks. So I was absolutely heartbroken nand devastated when I found this out 9weeks after I had given birth to her watched her die and buried her. I complained then it was changed on my medical records to a late miscarriage which I wasn't happy about neither. As to me she wasn't a miscarriage she was a baby a very small baby she had her hands fingers toes eyes ears nose mouth all her organs everything she was a baby.  I wrote to quite a few departments about this and how much I was hurt and upset by the way it was being handled by professionals and 4 days ago I received an update on my medical notes saying that my daughter has been acknowledged as a baby and not a miscarriage  and is now on my notes as a second trimester pregnancy loss. Which I much prefer then miscarriage. So sorry you went through this too its so awful.. If you would ever liek to talk please mesg me xx
  • I totally agree. I too call my so-called late miscarriage a pregnancy loss. My baby died at 20/21 weeks. I had to be induced and had to give birth. How can that be classed as a miscarriage? My baby boy was important to us and he mattered and it still breaks my heart today. We lost him last year and I can’t ever imagine a time when it won’t hurt. I’ve since had a gorgeous baby girl so she has helped us to heal a little but I’ll always remember my sleeping baby. 
    I find it so sad that he doesn’t have a birth certificate etc, or something to acknowledge that he was here. He was tiny yes but he was perfect. 
    Xxxx
  • Whether you lose them immediately or at term, it's awful. People either understand or they don't, but some of the NHS staff who were supposed to be looking after us were just appalling-laughing and joking about their mate delivering a healthy baby, while I was sitting on my dead one alone in the back of an ambulance. Yes, people say NHS staff are underpaid and stressed, but what sort of human being would do that? I'm not a paramedic, but I would have had one of us driving and the other in the back supporting the woman, not two of us in the front leaving her alone and joking about someone lucky enough to have a healthy baby. Most of the NHS staff were uncaring, the nurse who looked after me when I had a broken wrist was better than all but one of the staff who are supposed to help when you lose a baby. I used to be pro-NHS, but not after that. Or the GPs who act like baby loss is nothing and try to send women back to work when they are grieving. One acted as if it was ok to have time off for losing a parent, but not a child!I was sad of course when my dad died, but at least he had a life and I got years with him-when I lost my babies it was far worse. Maybe because they abort babies up to 24 weeks they have to act like they aren't people, otherwise it would be too hard for them? Or the woman who has two healthy kids, who told my friend who nearly died and had to have a hysterectomy when she had a miscarriage at 5 weeks that her loss was worse as she lost at 32 weeks! My friend said she'd love to have this woman's two healthy babies, and to not have been left ill and unable to have any. So all I can say is sorry, but nastiness is too common with baby loss.
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