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Just want to talk .........
Hi
I have posted on the twins forum in the past but after everything thats happened I am not sure I should be on it as I dont want to upset or worry any of the other mums now although I have had lovely support from some.
We were expecting twin girls and at 23weeks developed TwintoTwin Transfusion Syndrome. We went to Queen Charlottes in London and within 24 hours had had fetal laser surgery and lost one of our girls at 23weeks and 5 days. I am so angry that she is classed as a miscarriage. She kicked me in a place where the other twin doesnt ( we are still carrying both girls - one survived and we will be having ac section in either 3 or 6 weeks time ) I miss her so much and I have been carrying her dead in my tummy since 25th February. I just want to hold her and tell her I am sorry and I love her. The doctors have told me that she will be squashed up and purple and not to expect too much - it hurts so much. I saw her on the cameras when they were doing the surgery adn she was a gorgeous little pink, fat little girl. They even showed us her face. I know she has to stay in me for the sake ofPoppy - her sister - but my husband doesnt want to see her when she is born and I dont want to let her go. I think I am just having a bad day today. I have done a memory box, tucked away and I know I am lucky to still have our other girl too but it breaks my heart. My oh doesnt want to make a fuss and we are going to have them blessed together at the birth but I want to bury her but if I do that then I know I'll never want to move away from this village and my oh wants to travel to other places. it allseems such a muddle now. I thought I was kind of getting over it and beingable to be organised and practical about it all but I think I am kiding myself. I better go actually - its late, I'm tired and I've got my little mans school things to get ready. I just feel a bit on my own and cant stop crying tonight - mustbe the hormones .
I have posted on the twins forum in the past but after everything thats happened I am not sure I should be on it as I dont want to upset or worry any of the other mums now although I have had lovely support from some.
We were expecting twin girls and at 23weeks developed TwintoTwin Transfusion Syndrome. We went to Queen Charlottes in London and within 24 hours had had fetal laser surgery and lost one of our girls at 23weeks and 5 days. I am so angry that she is classed as a miscarriage. She kicked me in a place where the other twin doesnt ( we are still carrying both girls - one survived and we will be having ac section in either 3 or 6 weeks time ) I miss her so much and I have been carrying her dead in my tummy since 25th February. I just want to hold her and tell her I am sorry and I love her. The doctors have told me that she will be squashed up and purple and not to expect too much - it hurts so much. I saw her on the cameras when they were doing the surgery adn she was a gorgeous little pink, fat little girl. They even showed us her face. I know she has to stay in me for the sake ofPoppy - her sister - but my husband doesnt want to see her when she is born and I dont want to let her go. I think I am just having a bad day today. I have done a memory box, tucked away and I know I am lucky to still have our other girl too but it breaks my heart. My oh doesnt want to make a fuss and we are going to have them blessed together at the birth but I want to bury her but if I do that then I know I'll never want to move away from this village and my oh wants to travel to other places. it allseems such a muddle now. I thought I was kind of getting over it and beingable to be organised and practical about it all but I think I am kiding myself. I better go actually - its late, I'm tired and I've got my little mans school things to get ready. I just feel a bit on my own and cant stop crying tonight - mustbe the hormones .
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I lost my little girl Darcey on the 9th of February this year. You probably remember the story as commented you on one of my topics... She was born on the 8th at 38 wks gestation but passed away 19 hours old due to placental abruption. I know how you feel, not exactly but can really relate to your feelings of being lost and teary and just wanting to talk to someone. I know there is nothing I can say to make it better for you I guess your only comfort is your little girl that is still allive. I won't insult you by saying 'you are lucky, to still have one of your wee girls' because although yes it's great you still have her to focus on and look forward to what has happened is not 'lucky' at all. People say to me oh atleast youare still young(I'm 19) you will have plenty other children.... Well yes hopefully I will but that's not going to give Darcey HER life back or take away the pain that we feel.
I think you have every write to go into the 'twin' forum, you had twins- one has passed away but she still exists and deserves recognition! We have a memory box for Darcey and I like looking through it now and then... I find it hard but comforting. I also look forward to the day I can show it to her little brothers or sisters to help them make sense of it. It must be so so unbelievebly hard for you having to carry her little body about inside you. So hard. But yes you are right you are doing it for her sister. How many weeks are you now?
I can really relate to what you say about having her burried in your village... And you thinking you will never want to leave. I live with my oh about 2 hours from all of my family and where I was brought up. He has always lived here and feels he will always stay here. Before all of this happened I had hoped we would move closer to my family at some point in our lives but now I don't think I will want to leave here as it's where Darcey is... Well it's the only place she has known. At the same time though I know she will always be with me wherever I am.
Have u been intouch with sands? It's a stillbirth and neonatal bereavment counceling group... Apparently quite helpfull and good althoughwe haven't yet phoned them. Are you finding you and your oh are dealing with things in differant ways?... Me and russel are(which is normal) good in away as we are mostly upset at differant times, we can support eachother and try and 'cheer'one another up. It can be hard at times though someties I just want to 'shake' russel and I'm sure he is the same.
Anyway I'm always around if you need to chat. I wish u all the luck in the world. The next few months are going to be very hard but I know for both of us it will get easier. Please keep me updated... Take care xxx
[Modified by: CeilidhA on May 04, 2009 11:28 PM]
Ceilidh - how hard to understand how your Darcey could be born so close to her term and still, with the fantastic medicines we have today, not be able to take her home with you. I cannot imagine that situation you had to go through. Neil ( my man ) and I do deal with things very differently. Neil will get caught unawares by his emotions - he tries to be strong but little things will suddenly affect him like Britains Got Talent and there was a family with an older son and twin younger girls - that should be us he said and started crying. I am more private about it which probably makes it harder for him. He is very difficult to talk to if he is not in the right frame of mind so I tend to deal with stuff on my own. I feel like its been long enough now and I shouldnt cry and that his patience would wear out.
I have the SANDS contact details and I really must speak to them - just nervous about it really and I cant really explain why - I suppose I worry that people will think that 'its only a miscarriage' = 'they happen all the time' Our neighbour said to us, when she asked me how the girls were, I said that we had lost one but the other was doing well and she said ' Oh, one is much better '. I wanted to smack her in the face - I was speechless.
Thanks again for taking the time to write to me, both of you - it means a lot.
I am 33 weeks and 4 days today, waiting for the hospital to confirm if they are going to c section us on 10th June ( 9 days early ) or on 20th May ( 4 weeks early ) - ( I am 3 weeks bigger in size because of Eve and dont want to risk a c section under general otherwise I wont see my girls properly ).
I will keep you both posted.
Tracy x
I'm sure nobody with half a heart, would think oh it happens all the time.... Infact I think most people would probably agree with you- that in no way should Eves death be classed as a mc.
Anyway glad you are feeling better today, it will hit you in stages. I know I am up and down like a yoyo. Goodluck... Can't wait to hear about little poppy! Not long now. Xxx
I sort of want them to so I can deal with Eve and then I dont cause I want Poppy to grow as much as possible.
btw, Darcey is a really pretty name - I havent come across it as a girls name before.
Tracyx
[Modified by: WineLover on May 06, 2009 05:25 PM]
I think once you can feel it kick and move it is a baby and no longer a miscarriage but a still birth. I have had proper miscarriages at only 6 to 8 weeks through pregnancy and there is a distinct difference between loosing something that isn't even recognisable as a human being. I mjean the grief is pretty much the same but still there is a difference in the delivery and everything.
I understand exactly where you are coming from and I do hope that the birth of your babies goes well. If you want to hold her hold her and love her and take photos or get hand prints anything. You could get her cremated and put in a ern so you can take her wherever you go. I donated my baby to the hospital for use by medical students so I actually don't have a body or a burial place for my baby and to be honest it does come to mind I would kike somewhere to honour him but then we remeber him in other ways we have a xmas ball with hsi name on it and light candles on his birthday and at xmas.
Its going to be an emotional roller coaster from here esp[ecially since you will have one new baby to be over the moon about and then the baby you lost to be sad about. I suppose you will miss her when you are feeding your baby and think to yourself you would be trying to juggle two right now or when she gets older and is opening her xmas presents and you would think well gee she would be opening them with her sister right now. Those are the thougths that come to me when I see my two doing things. I suffer alot of fears now all I can do is hope that this 7th pregnancy turns out so that I can have my thrid baby safe and well. Good luck and I hope you get to hold your babies soon.
Its great to being able to talk about this all with people like you who really do understand. I cant believe that what theyput on your Gabriels certificate - I would go mad if theydid that. My mum has knitted Eve a blanket for her to be wrapped in when she is delivered but my oh and I still have different views/needs with regards to the big day.
My oh says also that at least we can look into Poppy's face and have some idea of what Eve would be like as they were identical twins and it is really sweet of him to say that but I dont really feel that way. she would have been her own person.
It is comforting to know too that it is ok to greive(sp) for as long as you need - I've been putting pressure on myself to be ok and upbeat with it all to other peoples faces but I dont feel that way. I dont like people touching my bump as they are touching her and I dont want her stroked by other people. i know I sound a bit psycho actually.
I wish you all the best with your 7th pregnancy. I shouldnt wonder that even if we got to 12 or 20 we wouldnt still worry - its part of our nature when we love these little jelly beans so much.
Please keep in touch and thanks again for replying.
Tracy x
You will have good and bad days but I promise you that in time although you will never forget her, the good days will be more and the bad ones less. Like I said it is 6 years (3 May 2003) since we lost our little angel, most of the time I am fine about it but last weekend which was her birthday was very hard and I was tearful the whole time.
Take care xxxxx
Thanks for your message. I am ok althugh reading your post made my eyes well up. If we could measure love someway it would be scary - our little angels are loved so very very much arent they?!
My mum knitted her a little blanket to be wrapped in and I've just put it in my hospital bag. Still want to give her a big hug and a kiss but dont know if I'll be able to let her go?
Am now waiting for hospital to decide between two c section dates they have got so I can speak to the Chaplain and our local vicar. I think our hospital provide a certificate / register of her birth but not the 'offocial' still born one.
Get v cross about it - think I might write to someone - surely if babies are surviving born at 22 weeks and abortion cut off is 20 weeks then there should be allowances/consideration for those loved babies who die post 12 weeks . The term miscarraige just doesnt cover it.
Sorry - going off on one and it is a very difficult subject. I dont always manage to explain what I mean very well.
I hope you are 'ok' - it is comforting to go to spend time with your angel at the cemetary isnt it? I am hoping that it will bring us all some comfort to be able to spend time with Eve in the sunshine .
take care
Tracy x
You are right it is comforting spending time with your angel dont be put off by people telling you how much time you should or shouldnt spend at the cemetry, when it first happened I was there every week, sometimes more than once, I sat and talked cried and prayed for her, as time went on I spend less time and now perhaps only go every few months, but I know she is in heaven looking down on me and she knows I will never forget her and she will always hold a special place in my heart xxxxxxx
I hope your feeling ok and i hope Poppy is doing well.....not long now till you can meet your little princesses i wish you all, all the best of luck kat xx
I am writing this wondering if you have had your girls or if you are still waiting. Hopefully everything is as good as could be expected either way. In July 2007 I found out I was pregnant with identical twin girls. However at 23 wks I went into premature labour (no reason for this just a "freak of nature"). During the labour I was advised that it was likely both my babies would be born dead, or if not then they would die very quickly after the delivery. I decided I did not want to see them, as I thought that they would not look like babies. The consultant from the Neonatal Unit (who was just fab) spoke to me at length, informing me what would happen if they showed signs of life. He also changed my mind about looking/holding my girls when born. Grace was born kicking and crying. They decided to work on her and she was taken to NICU. Lucy was born 30 mins later and showed no signs of life. Her heart stopped 45 mins after birth, although I was informed she was born like in a coma, and couldnt feel any pain. Grace survived 10 wks before she joined her sister. I will never ever forget either of my girls and I will never ever forget the consultants advice about holding Lucy. I fell pregnant a month after losing Grace and now have a healthy happy 5 month old. Every day is hard as I look and think if this would have been what my girls were like. Its gonna be hard for you too, as you will think this everyday. During my pregnancy I attended a bearevement group and would highly recommend attending one. My emotions have been all over the place, especially lingering in the "anger" zone. I am angry at myself as I didnt hold or spend as much time with Lucy as I should have done. God knows how I would have felt if I hadnt held her at all. When Grace passed away, me and DH bathed and dressed her. We then stayed overnight with her in own room to say our goodbyes. We could have done this with Lucy, but didnt realise at the time we could. My heart goes out to you. All my love and prayers xxxx
I came on to this forum tonight to question whether I was over reacting to want to dress and hold my little one after the birth. My oh and I talked tonight and he doesnt not want any fuss at all and is struggling to deal with it. He thought that to dress her and hold her was wrong - almost sick and that she was now part of the placenta and that was it.
I actually stood up for myself and told him that I needed to hold her. I was under no illusion as to her condition and that I would be lead by the midwives - none of us know what she will really be like.
You have answered for me and I know that, for me, I am doing the right thing - that this is a one time only chance to hold her and say goodbye.
I went to see a friend today who has knitted this tiny dress for her and is doing hat and boots to match as I was so upset at the thought of her being taken away naked - that has brought me a lot of peace today.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Lucy and Grace and so pleased that you are now Mummy to another lovely little bubba. How did you find the strength to say goodbye to them and then carry on ? ...
My little boy gives me that strength and, as you know, little ones make you deal with things and face the next day. I find your strength and courage amazing and I wish you all the very very best. Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me - your timing was perfect !
On a separate note - your user name is great - my nickname growing up was Tuppeney ( alarmingly after my nans dog !! ) and my mum still calls me Tup !
xx
Tuppence it was hard enough for me to loose one baby but to loose two must be extreamly painful. I could not hold Gabriel at all when he was born so the fact you even held Lucy makes you better than me. I just felt like if I held him I would run out of there with him and never come back. Not that it would help or make him alive but thats how I felt at the time. I could not even stand to have a funeral for him and instead donated his body for research, although I felt I did the right thing as maybe one day research that his body contributed to may help it not happen to someone else. Atleast that is my hope.