FAO Charli,s angel

Replies

• charlis_angel

  Sep 20, 2009 5:11AM

  thank you for reading my post about my baby boy, i read your story and felt it was very much like what happened to charlie, he would of been 4 weeks old today and i feel like every wkend i relive what happened, did you do that .i'm starting to feel like people think i should be feeling better now but to me it feels like yesterday i lost my boy,
  i hurt so much all the time my husband has been amazing but i think he even thinks i should be feeling a bit stronger i cant i am so desperate to hold my boy and to love him, it was all st so quick he was alive inside me and and ahour later he was dead icant get it into my head, i do all the normal things for the boys they are 12 and 7 but i know i should be doing something else too but i'm not cos he's not with us my poor darling boy xxtake care darcey and charlie are the angels in heaven xxxxx

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• CeilidhA

  Sep 22, 2009 2:15PM

  Hi again,
  
  Yes I can remember feeling like this, even some times now on Saturday nights( it was a Saturday night everything happened) I find my self just lying awake thinking about what was happening this time ... Weeks ago and what things should be like. I also remember feeling that everyone had 'gotten' over Darcey and in away forgotten about her. I felt like for everyone else life was 'going on' and they were expecting me to 'move on' but I just wasn't ready to and it made me feel very angry that people were 'forgeting' my baby girl. I realise now people were trying to help me move on, trying to show me that I could be happy again. Also it annoyed me when people would say nothing/do evrything in their power to avoid me... I realise now people are scared to say the wrong thing, so say nothing. Other people will say things, really unsensitive things... They don't mean it but it did get me down. A common one for me is 'oh your young(I'm 19) you've plenty of time for babies'.... Em exude me??!, ye I'm young, ye I have time for more children but none of that brings Darcey back, gives her, her life back! ... I hate it when people say that. I still get It now. Just take a day at a rime, do things at your own pace, don't worry about what u think u should be doing. I'm always here if u need to chat xxx

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• charlis_angel

  Sep 23, 2009 9:46AM

  It makes me feel half normal that you felt and still do feel like i do, i trying so hard to be ok for my boys and my husband but its just so very hard, i think of him constanly its never from my mind, i'm at home now on my own and before i was having charlie i worked full time and was always rushing around for the boys and now i'm home alone and the boys are at school and i should be busy with a baby but i'm not i sometimes wonder how i'm going to get threw my day i so want to try again for a baby will you try again its rreally nice to have someone to talk to love vixki

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• CeilidhA

  Sep 23, 2009 1:01PM

  Hello, yes we have actually been tring for a few months now... We waited for 3 cycles after Darcey was born then started trying. We had to then stop and wait for another month as I had a rubella booster and here we are... There is alot of conflicting advice both from medical professions and just from friends/ family opinions. Some dr's/nurses say we should give ourselves more time to 'grieve' for Darcey... As do some very rude friends and family!!! Others say they understand that for us having another baby is the only thing that will help us to 'move on'. I was given the go ahead by my consultant to begin trying again after 3 months, that's what we wanted, so that's what we have done. Some people disagree and sometimes I worry those people think I am trying to 'replace' Darcey. That's not what I'm trying to do, I love and miss that little girl so much and I'd do anything to have her with me now!... She would be almost 7 months old... But I no that she has gone. I crave a baby, I'm desprate to be a mum, and I will be a mum.
  
  The hospital have been great, we have had several meetings to go over things and to discuss 'the plan' for when I am pregnant. They have really put my mind at ease. So basically what I'm saying is if you want to try for another baby, do it. As long as you talk to your consultant/ dr and make sure they 'ok' it and you and your husband both agree then do it. I imagine u will be told to wait 3 months to give yourself time heal physically but the rest I imagine will be up to you. Just talk things over with your dr first. It's not an easy decision to make but I know for us it's the right one.
  
  As for being home alone allday, I had this too. I didn't return to work, I couldn't face it. I decided to go back to college an that's what I'm doing now. I'm really enjoying it, and it is helping me not to become to 'obsessed' with ttc. I'm not suggesting you go to college. Take some time, then when your ready decide what your going to do, be it return to work, look for a new job or whatever you fancy. Hope you have been 'ok'. Look forward to your reply xxx

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• charlis_angel

  Sep 24, 2009 6:06AM

  Hi i'm so pleased for you that your trying ttc again we are going to try as soon as poss my gp said i could try when i wanted to, my mum doesnt think i should i think she thinks i'm going to try and replace charlie but how can i he was charlie and a new baby wont be him will it, i would never want to replace him i loved him dearly and wanted him so much and to loe him so quickly i just cant get it out of my head .
  i struggle to come to terms with him dying while trying to come into the world i always feel it was my fault i did something wrong i was trying to push and my body want ready i just keep thinking that he was alive an hour before he was born and now he's gone it must be my fault , what did the dr say they would do for you next time, why did you have to have rubella jab i'll keep my fingers crossed for you on ttc , whta are you studing at collage i thought about going back to collage i need my a1 award and then i could teach hairdressing but i dont know yet we will see, take care love vickix
  

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• CeilidhA

  Sep 24, 2009 2:32PM

  Hi, well that's good u have been given th go ahead to try again when you are ready. Ye I think to begin with my mum was worried about us trying again so soon, now though she's just as excited as me although obviously still worried but I guess that's just what mums do...
  
  The hospital have been really supportive of our personal choices, basically I will be considered as 'high risk'. I have a higher chance now of suffering another abruption, apparantly around 5%. Slightly worry but I just try to hope I will be lucky and fall into the 95%. I will have weekly monitering appointments from 12 weeks( aswell as the standard appointments). These will involve scans etc. I will have early scans aswell(more for reasurance than anything else). With some people abruptions can be caused by some sort of clotting disorders, with others it's just a completely spontaneous thing that happens with no cause therfor no prevention... I was told I could have been at the hospital half an hour before it happened and they would have waved me off with a clean bill of health.all being well I will also be booked in for a planned c section at around 37/38 weeks(. Well as far as my nerves can stand). I have also been told that if at any stage during the pregnancy I feel to anxious I have been told I can treat the hospital like a hotel, stay for any period of time and come and go as I please. At the moment I feel like I will want to be there for the whole 9 months although I know that wouldn't be very pratical. I don't think I will probably stay in the hospital from atleast 36 weeks on. But we will see how things go. My consultant is very confident I will not suffer another abruption of the same scale anyway, and somedays I think surely not... Next time things will be fine but it's still a very very scary thought. I know that if god forbid something did go wrong for a third time I would really struggle to 'pick' myself back up again, and I know for certain Russel would not be able to. All we have known is 'bad' pregnancy so I pray to god that things work out next time, I really do.
  
  I had to get a rubella booster as when I was tested for immunity to it my levels came back as borderline. So decided i would get a top up just to be on the safe side. I'm sure u will have been tested for it while u were pregnant?
  
  I am doing my nc in early years and childcare. I had applied to do it last year after my misscarraige but when I fell pregnant with Darcey so quickly(well 3 months) I decided to hold of till this year. I was a bit wary of going to college preg but I have talked things over with my tutor and we will see how thongs go health wise, but I'd like to carry on when I do fall pregnant if possibe, it will help keep my mind busy. Ahh so are you a hairdresser then?... That's an idea, goin into teaching. I did beauty when I left school. Wasn't for me to be honest, but glad I did it. All an experience anyway.
  
  Big hugs for u, and I will blow your wee one a big kiss tonight before bed xxx

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• charlis_angel

  Sep 25, 2009 5:31AM

  Hi hun hope you ok i'm not doing to bad i've managed my 1st wk on my own now alex has gone back to work , my midwife came to c me yday i think they feel like they have to keep checking on me , but i know i have to be strong for my boys they keep me going they are really good boys max is going to be 13 this year and archie is 7 archie is so sweet when he kisses me good nite he says u smell like the baby mummy , they both got to see charlie and both held him which i will always be grateful for,max is very protective of me always asking if i'm ok , the stone mason came to see us about charlies head stone were going to have a little tadpole on the stone cos we always called him tadpole so hopefull we will have it by xmax . i'm not looking forward to xmas as i'm sure it tough for u too, but we will make it happy for the boys we have too.
  we go back to hospital next monday bit nervous about it but i know it has to be done , maybe will get some answers i'm worried they will tell me to wait before trying but i just dont think we can, my period has come back now so at least all is working i think we will just let it happen let fate decied for us ,i'm hoping to have a better wkend as i find them so hard, my sister and her family are coming for the wkend i cant wai to see here havent seen her since charlies funeral , all my family live in london which i where i'm from i moved to wales to be with alex when i was 15 (i'm 33 now) we met when i was in wales on holiday visiting my nan i was 13 he was 15 been together ever since only been maried for 4 years tho , are you close to your family wish mine lived closer but i also love where i live , i light charlies candle every morning and say hi to darcey too , wanted to tell u that if charlie had been a girl we wanted to call him darcey thinking of u take care vicki x

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• CeilidhA

  Sep 25, 2009 2:15PM

  Hi, that is very sweet that u have been with your husband from such a young age... I have been with russel since a few weeks before my 16th birthday(but I'm only 19 now) I met him through my sister, they worked together. I stay in Fife now with russel, have done since a few months after we got together. My mum and dad etc stay about 2 hours away so I do miss them sometimes but they visit alot and I speak to my mum on the phone eveyday at least once...
  
  How strange that if Charlie wes a girl you were thinking of naming the baby Darcey... Because if we had a boy russel is set on Archie!!! A wee tadpole on the we'd ones head stone is a nice idea, we are still saving for a headstone, we want to buy it ourselves, so hopefully beable to get one soon. They are so expensive, there is some lovely ones though. At the moment we have a cherub and some brightly coloured butterflies and also solar powered butterflies and a spinny flower thing.
  
  Goodluck with your hospital meeting, let me know how you get on. Take care, xx

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• charlis_angel

  Oct 6, 2009 8:53AM

  hi hun we wnt ot hospital yesterday and there was nothing they could tell us except he was perfect nothing was wrong with his cromozones , nor the placenta or cord somthing cused him acute distress and tha stopped his oxygen and stopped his heart within the last hour of labour ,
  
  they was really good with us there is a ward just for women who have lost tyhere babys and high risk pregnacies so next time we will be cared for by them , they never said we had to wait he said medically u should wait between 6 months to a year but it wasnt what he was t5ellintg us to do it was up to us .
  
  i felt angry last night that he was so perfect and nothing could have been done it was taken out of everyones hands i just wish he was here and to think it was no reason except ditress tthat made him die , but then if they had said it was such and such i probley would of still be just as upaet and angry that i dont have him ,
  
  i made a cross to go on his grave while we save for his stone it looks lovely i found 2 really lovely poems on here i'll send you them if you want , we took one to the hospital and tehr going to put in in the room they put you in , i hope your doing well and enjoying collage i've been doing a few hair cuts hopefully they havent gone out to lop sided as my concertration isnt the best lol take care hun love vicki xx
  
  
  a mayihh

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• CeilidhA

  Oct 10, 2009 5:34AM

  Hello,
  
  Lol at the 'lop sided' haircuts... I'm sure you will have done good jobs! Glad you are feeling able to do that anyway. Sorry to hear you didn't get any 'answers' at the hospital. Must be hard to accept.
  
  Sounds as though the hospital are going to take good care of you in your next pregnancy, that will put your mind at rest a little. Don't no if you've noticed but wanted to lit you know that there is a new forum topic 'ttc/pregnancy after bereavment' so when you feel ready to try again you could pop over there. Xx

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