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Sorting out his room
Dont really know why im posting, guess its coz i just want to tell someone but dont know who to tell and somehow telling it here is easier.
When the ambulance took Ted away I shut the door on his room, all i could think about was the horror that had happened, finding him, dh trying to resusitate him.... anyway I thought id try and sort it out today as boys at nursery. There was a little jacket he had been wearing, it had a few hairs and still smelt of him, im sat in his room holding his teddybear and jacket and a radio in the backgroud is playing karma chameleon its just so sureal i feel i must be dreaming and i keep expecting to wake up but im not, i cant wake up, but this cant be real, i dont want it to be real, please let me wake up and find its all been a dream.
When the ambulance took Ted away I shut the door on his room, all i could think about was the horror that had happened, finding him, dh trying to resusitate him.... anyway I thought id try and sort it out today as boys at nursery. There was a little jacket he had been wearing, it had a few hairs and still smelt of him, im sat in his room holding his teddybear and jacket and a radio in the backgroud is playing karma chameleon its just so sureal i feel i must be dreaming and i keep expecting to wake up but im not, i cant wake up, but this cant be real, i dont want it to be real, please let me wake up and find its all been a dream.
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Replies
[Modified by: pavy on March 23, 2010 07:54 PM]
I can only imagine how hard the task must be for you to sort the room out. We hadn't got to that point and Angel would have been in with us and then zachariah so I was able to ignore the nursery aspect. For us we knew what was coming between the scan and labour and so I'd vacuum packed quite a bit away before i could think about it but I still have bits that will bring me to tears. Ive got a little box with a few bits in and it means the world to me, it's just so wrong all we have is blankets to hug and I can truly feel your pain reading your post. Take it easy, if you can't sort things out, then wait, or maybe see if you could get someone to help you. If you're not ready to get rid of anything then perhaps you could start by storing it in boxes and vacuum packs etc. I'm sorry I don't know how old you're other children are but I know for me zachariah (2) is my knight in shining armour and gets me up in the morning. Perhaps you could try making plans to change the room into something special for your other children and then keep symbolic pictures or items in the room so it's not like you've erased him.
I'm not sure if you'd just wanted to let it out or had wanted suggestions but I just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts and my heart goes out to you, you are doing brilliantly and to go in the room in itself is a huge step, take care x
We have all of Thomas' clothes that he was in on what was/is my nursing chair that i never got to use...it has his little vest, babygrow, cardigan, hat and snow suit on, all the little clothes that he wore at different points during the 1 day that we had him....we constantly hold and smell them, my heart is aching as i type this for our loss and for how you are feeling as i know this feeling too well...
Its 3 wks tmoro for us since our Thomas was born and i don't feel that i ever want to pack his room up, i know we'll have to do it at some point but can't think that far ahead...
Well done for trying to do this honey and just do what you can if you can manage it....perhaps get someone to help...if you can't then don't force yourself....i wish it was all a dream too, please take care xxx
I know my heart is truly broken, and it will be like that til the day I die, but I wouldn't expect it any other way. I like to think that my heart is broken because there is a piece missing, a piece that was taken from my heart along with my little boy Ryan, but that it was his to take, and it will stay with him forever, until we meet again, then, and only then will I get it back and feel whole again.
The pain of sorting out a nursery I fortunately didn't have to cope with. We hadn't decorated a room for Ryan as we were going to be moving, so all we had to sort out were the things we had bought for him. I was told on the Friday, when I was 37wks pregnant, that Ryan had died. The hospital gave me a tablet and told me to come back on the Sunday morning, however by early Saturday morning I was in agony. All I could think of though was putting all of Ryans things up in the loft before I would leave for the hospital, as I knew coming back to them with empty arms would be agony. I was so grateful that we didn't have a nursery to see, and my heart really goes out to you.
For me its out of sight, out of mind. I think if i'd of had a nursery for Ryan I would have been sitting in there most days, so i'd probably have had to try and sort it out as soon as I could. The memories you have will never change, but if you tried to sort the room up gradually, at least you won't have it thrust in your face day by day.
Please take care and remember you're not alone. Luv Kathryn xxx
I was in two minds whether or not to delete this as reading it back now it seems so personal but this site is the nearest i have to a diary, maybe i will look back on it in time and realise that ive moved a little bit on.
Pavs, I would like to think there is nothing we cant say to each other, and anything you ever said id always take the right way as I Know You, dont know if that translates when typed properly but hey ho. Regards TTC i cant, I was sterilised when Ted was born as the risks of getting pregnant again was just too great. I couldnt put another baby through a premmie birth and i couldnt risk leaving my boys with out a mummy. (are you thinking about it, re rude veg avatar?)
Waiting4baby, you are right my boys keep me going (they are 3 (twins) and 19months so complete handful) and make me get up in the morning. I like the idea of making it into something for the boys and putting photos up of him but part of me hates too let them in there, i guess im scared that it will be as if he never existed. DS3 went in there today for the first time since it happened and pointed to the cot and said 'Carter' (Teds 'proper' name) which surprised but pleased me, felt like Ted was with us.
Sohappy my heart aches when i read what little Thomas didnt get to use, it is just so unfair. I hadnt been able to face doing his room till now, just went from one hurdle to the next, 1st PM result, 2nd results, closing inquest, meeting with doc, now it just feels that i should be thinking about sorting it out, have only managed packing up his clothes. It looked like the marie celest (sp?) I was sleeping in the room with him and there was a glass of water on the bedside table, my clothes folded for the next day sorry rambling and selfabsorbed today.
Kathryn, Im sorry to hear about Ryan What you said about packing up his things before you went into hospital makes sense, the nights after he died i wanted to clear it all, has some manic energy but dh said i would regret it. I think he is right as i would have thrown all his stuff away but facing it now is so hard.
ive rambled sorry but thankyou for replying and making me feel that i am not alone
x
[Modified by: Team Blue aka doublebubble on March 23, 2010 08:12 PM]
I hope you don't mind me g/c'ing and I hope I haven't made anyone feel awful for mentioning Ollie and how lucky I am- I just wanted to let you know that although you all have each other for support and comfort there are other people on here that pop over from time to time to offer a shoulder and a (virtual!) cuddle if ever you need it.
My thoughts are ALWAYS with you ladies and I really hope that one day you will find your smiles again xxx
Bert thankyour for your message, and thank you for thinking of us, it makes me feel that Teds life meant something and if it means little Ollie gets and extra cuddle then it makes me happy. Life is for the living and we all sometimes lose sight of the big picture, ive definatly learnt to cherish everything.
Ive fininshed his room it was hard but at least it has been done.
love to all
Just wanted to say I've been thinking about you lots and well done for being able sort out teddy's room. I can't imagine how you feel and god knows how you managed to do it, but well done...we'll have to sort Thomas' room out at some point but i don't think that'll be for a very long time.....we still find comfort in there sometimes.....we're hoping to move sometime during the year so maybe then.....i don't know.
Thinking of you xxx
You will never erase him or make it look like he never existed. Ted was a huge part of your lives and will always be in your hearts. You will have kept bits and pieces, maybe some for you only and others on display but he will always be with you.
Have you turned the room into anything else or not yet? I know it's different as i'd already explained but I love the fact that any empty space in the house is filled with zachariah's laughter and play- of course I think about Angel missing but that's normal I think. Rooms I don't mind filling but my box of what little keepsakes I have are for me and my husband- and maybe one day I will share them with zachariah.
Take care x
All my love Meg XX