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Our beautiful Benjamin xxx

First of all I'd like to say how sorry I am to everyone who has posted in this forum and thank you for sharing your stories. We've all sufferred the most horrendous pain imaginable, I think everyone is being incredibly brave and your babies will be so proud of you all.

I'd like to share my story of our beautiful boy Benjamin (I'll warn you now, it may be long!!). I found out I was pregnant with my first baby January 08, unfortunately I miscarried at 8 weeks, I then got pregnant again in May 08, the first few weeks were understandably very scary but as time went on we began to relax more. Everything was going well throughout the pregnancy,

I was diagnosed with cholestasis at 34 weeks which meant going on medication to reduce the itching and twice weekly trips to the hospital for ctg's and bloods. We were a little worried but the staff reassurred us that all was well. Due to the cholestasis and baby being in breech position the plan was to have a section at 38 weeks. However Ben had other ideas and I went into labour at 37+4, (9 days after my 30th birthday on Jan 22nd) Ben was delivered by section and everything was great. He was absolutely perfect. We were discharged after 2 days I cannot begin to describe the happiness we felt at becoming parents. Despite being permanently knackered and having the usual concerns of first time parents we were overjoyed.

Ben met all of our family and friends and despite the snow we managed to get out everyday and took him to many of our favourite places. I breast fed Ben and he was doing ok, despite losing a little weight. 2 days before he died, Ben wasn't quite right he was more lethargic than usual and off his feeds. We took him to the dr's the next morning, the gp didn't seem too concerned and phoned the hospital for advice, they asked us to go down for an assessment. We went straight there which was very lucky as when he was assessed they couldn't pick up his heart rate or temperature as they were both too low. A crash call was put out and we were rushed round to resuss. I have never been so scared in my life, I'm a nurse and have been in that situation many times but never imagined I would be on the other side. They thought he had some sort of infection and eventually managed to stabilise him. We went up to ITU, he then had a fit so they were worried something was going on in his brain. It took them 4 hours to stabilise him enough to take him for a CT scan, by this point he was ventilated and wasn't doing anything for himself, they still didn't know what had caused it all. The scan showed sever damage to Ben's brain and the consultant said the best he could offer us was to hold Ben when he died. We couldn't believe what was happening, I hoped it was a ll a bad dream and just felt very numb. We had our parents there and they were obviously as devastated as us. So that was it we held Ben when he took his final breath and left the hospital without him. It was without a doubt the worst day of my life and I hope I never have to deal with anything like it again. The staff were amazing and did everything they could but it was out of their control.

The next few days were a blur, we couldn't do anything. We decided we wanted to be with people and had a constant stream of friends and family who kept coming and feeding us and making us drinks. A post mortem showed no obvious cause of death and we began to question ourselves and if there was anymore we could have done. Four days after Ben died we got a call from the police saying that they would be coming the next day with a paediatrician to interview us about Ben's death. this was just the icing on the cake!! We were convinced we were going to be locked up! However they were very sensitive and as it turned out the police didn't ask us any questions, the paediatrician just wanted to know aout our family history, details of my pregnancy and what happened with Ben, we realised finding a cause of death was as much for our benefit as anyone elses. We were told last week that Ben died of pnuemonia. Although it doesn't make it any easier I'm glad we have a reason as we can now accept that we couldn't have done anything to prevent Ben's death and it was out of our control. The biggest thing for me is that Ben didn't suffer for very long.

It's now 8 weeks since Ben died and sometimes I still can't believe it's all happened. I think we're doing really well considering. I don't know how but we managed to get through the funeral, about 150 friends and family came to support us and the strength we got from them was amazing. We've been seeing a bereavement counsellor which really helps and we talk openly about Ben and how we feel to each other and anyone who'll listen, we're so proud of him and it helps to talk. It's very up+ down at the moment but we're trying very hard to get on with life and we're beginning to enjoy things rather than just going through the motions. It's made me appreciate my husband even more than before and made me realise how lucky I am to have such an amazing network of family and friends. I've gone back to work but I'm not doing my job properly yet. I'm a Practice nurse and don't feel strong enough to deal with patients just yet. Work have been amazing and I'm coming and going as I please and doing some admin work. It's helping me to have a routine and fill the day, sometimes I get upset when I'm there but it doesn't matter.

The thought having another baby is at the moment quite scary, but something we definately want at some point in the future but I don't know when the right time will be. Ben's cousin was born 4 days before him and 3 friends had babies a couple of weeks afterwards. I thought this would make things worse but we've realised nothing can make us feel any worse than we already do. I know exactly what you mean Ceilidh when you said it helped seeing your friends baby and that it helped you accept Darcey was gone. I used to think all new babies looked the same, but having had Ben and now seeing my friends babies it helps me to see them as individuals and i very much want to be part of their lives. Sometimes I get upset when I'm with these friends as I'm sad ben isn't there too, but it doesn't matter and as I said before our friends are really helping.

Crikey i'd better stop now!! thankyou to anyone who reads my story, it has helped to write it all down. To all those who are in my position, keep talking and stay strong
xxx

Replies

  • Hello

    I saw a snippet from the front page and felt compelled to come in this forum and read it. I am so sorry you lost Ben but glad you were able to spend some lovely days with him and be with him at the end.

    I can feel how much you loved him from your post and he was lucky to have such a wonderful mummy and daddy. he is in a better place, and i wish you all the love in the world as you try and deal with such an impossible situation.

    I am sorry that i do not have the words but I am thinking of you, your husband and baby Ben.

    xxDBxx

  • I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine the pain and hurt you and your husband are going through. xxx
  • Aw my love to you and your angel Ben. It must have been devistating to loose him as I know I would totally loose it if one of my children were not here anymore.
  • i so sorry for your loss sending big hugs to you all
  • Hi Kerry,

    Both myself and Russel are so so sorry for your loss. Benjamin sounds just lovely. He will be up in the sky playing with Darcey and all the other little angels. X

    Even though I know exactly how u feel, when I noticed your post I was scared to look, because I knew what was coming was a devastating post from another heartbroken person and I knew I would have to find the words to try and comfort you, which is hard. (hope this doesn't offend you) I guess what I mean is I know thier is nothing I can say to help you, and I just wish there was. It's 9 weeks today since Darcey died, I still miss her soooo much. I crave a baby of my own- I no we will never get to be a proper family with Darcey but we have decided to try again for another baby asap. You mentionend you had gone back to work- I am thinking about doing the same but I didn't enjoy my work before or get on with the bosses so I think I will look for a new job.

    Sorry I have gone of topic and instaed of sending our condolance(sp?) I have ended up speaking about Darcey, hope you don't mind! Once again so sorry- sending you and your family a big hug. You know where to find me if you want to chat. Take care xxx

    P.S I will blow Benjamin a kiss tonight when I blow Darcey one xx
  • Hi all,

    Thanks for reading and for your replies. Don't worry Ceilidh I don't mind, you need to talk about Darcey., I hope your doing ok. I read your story and think your doing really well considering what you went through.

    I've found going back to work has helped but I like my job and get on with my boss so it may be different in your situation, you might find it helpful to put your energy into finding a new job.

    How do you feel about trying for another baby? I think I read on one of your earlier posts that the consultant said you'd be ok to try after 3 months as this is long enough for your body to recover from the section? My GP said 6-12 months but I think he was being over cautious!! We don't really want to wait that long and over the last week I've started to think more about the future and get excited about hopefully having another baby. There isn't an hour goes by when I don't think about Ben but I no longer feel gulity thinkng about the future. I think I've accepted that he's gone but he'll always be with me.

    Take care
    xx
  • Hi hon

    I'm so sorry for your loss of your little boy Benjamin.

    I don't have any answers but I do know how it feels to lose a precious child.

    I know my Kayles, being the eldest one around here will be looking after all these beautiful babies and will be giving them hugs until you're all reunited one day.

    Biggest hugsxx
  • I am so sorry for your horrendous loss. I read your post with tears in my eyes and admiration for how very brave you sound through your words. Your beautiful little boy will be watching you from heaven with pride. Take comfort in those precious if cruelly short memories and look after yourself and your husband xxx
  • hi,

    The thought off trying for another baby is the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment, I sometimes think that's a horrible thing to say like people will think I am trying to replace Darcey- which I am not, I've just accepted that she has gone and nothing I can ever do will bring her back. Although she was only in our lives for such a short time she has completely changed them, she has brought our whole family so much closer together. She will b with me everysingle day and there isn't a minute that goes by that I don't think about her and think 'what if' I'm sure you will be the same. I just crave a baby so much, I always have.

    We were originally told two years by a midwife at the hospital before we left, although at the time that went right over my head when I got
    home all I could think was, OMG what I'm I going to do for two years!-waiting the one
    month after my misscarraige with the baby
    before Darcey was hard enough. When we
    went for our follow up appointment with my
    consultant and he said three months(. Three
    period cycles) is plenty time, I could have
    hugged him. So yeah that's the plan, I am
    currently on my second period so two down
    one to go! image i looked on the c-section forum and most people seem to have been told 6 months to 1 year though. I posted a topic and there is a few midwifes on there and they said just to listen to my consultant. Which i intend to do... I miss being pregnant so much.
    That said I know that when I am pregnant
    again I will b so anxious and terrified which I
    guess is just to be expeced. The hospital have
    been great about this, obviously I will b considered 'high risk' so will have extra monitering, scans ect. They have also said that if at any point I feel too anxious I will be welcome to stay at the hospital for any period off time throughout my pregnancy. Which is a relief. I am at a slightly higher risk of another abrubtion in future pregnancys although they would expect it to be on a much smaller scale and with a better outcome.

    So are you planning to try again shortly? Maybe we could be 'birth buddies' LOL that would be goodimage I know being pregnant again will be a very emotional time for us both... Did u have a burial for Benjamin? We are staring to look into headstones for Darcey- thier is some really lovely ones. They are just so expensive so we will have to save up first as unfortunatley we don't have any savings and we want to buy it ourselves. take care xxx
  • oh gosh im so sorry for ure loss ,im not entirely sure why i come in here as i always read the posts with my heart really hurting ...this post has especially made my heart hurt and i have tears in my eyes as it feels close to home ,my daughter is 10 weeks old i cant imagine how u must be feeling ,u are so brave as are all the ladies who find the strength to post about your beautiful angels ....im sure ben is looking down on u now so proud of his brave parents ....again im so sorry

    lisa xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Im so sorry for the tragic loss of Ben. You are being so brave and im glad your able to talk about your feelings with others and going back to work must have been scary for you.

    My sister died suddenly aged 25 and it helped to talk to friends and family and I saw a counsellor too. 10 years on I still think of her every day but things do get easier as time passes. I realise my situation is different to yours but I will never forget the early days and trying to work out why and how this could happen to us.

    Again, im so sorry and I wish you and your family the very best for the future.
    xxxxxx
  • I have read your story and I'm so sorry this awful tragedy has happened to you.

    Bless you, your family and your little angel.

    Hayley xxxxx
  • im so sorry to hear about your loss when i saw your post on here i was to scared to go into it but just couldnt hold my self back, its just so heartbreaking when you see another sad story on here!!!!! how you have got through it all i dont no i lost my little girl Daisy on christmas day 2008 she was born sleeping i found it really really heart breaking and there is not a day that goes by when i still dont think about my little princess i miss her so so much, i dont no how i would of manged if i had,had her in my life then had her taken away you are just both so brave and my heart goes out to you all!!!
    Benjamin will be watching over you now for the rest of your life and will help you through your ups and downs, he will also be playing with all other little baby angels having lots of fun i hope.
    I hope you and your oh are doing ok, i wish you both all the best for the future.
    Take care kat xxx
  • You're so brave, as are all the women posting their stories in this forum. Sending bigs hugs and will give Benjamin a mention in my prayers tonight. S x
  • hi honey!!

    i'd just like to add to all the other girls how sorry i am to hear about Ben. i'm so glad that you and your oh have got good family and friends, and that you will all be able to support each other.

    thinking of you all

    xxxxxx
  • I'm so sorry for your loss your story is heartbreaking and you seem so brave
    Thinking of you xx
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