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My baby girl Darcey x

Hi I'm Ceilidh, I'm 19 years old and I have been following this website since around this time last Year after I suffered a miscarraige at approx ten wks preg.( although I have just joined) Anyway where to start!... Around 3 months after my miscarraige I found out I was 4 wks pregnant with my baby girl Darcey, both me and my boyfriend Russel were delighted after being left so devastated from the miscarraige. The next 34 wks of my pregnancy were pretty straight forward apart from a tiny bleed at 24 weeks. I loved being pregnant and everyday was filled with hope and excitment off being one day closer to meeting my baby and being a mum, On February the 7th we celebrated our 3 year anniversary and I went to bed that night feeling happy and content-in 2 weeks my baby girl was due. I wish so much that I could go back to that day, knowing what I know now. At around 3am I woke up to what I thought was my waters breaking filling me with excitment until I looked and was horified to see a puddle off blood and more coming out, after a frantic ambulance trip to hospital I was found to be 3 cm dilated and having regular contractions but due to the blood loss and the fact that my baby girls heartbeat was dropping they suspected a placental abruption and rushed me off for a c-section. Darcey was born at 0444 on February the 8th weighing 6lb 14oz, she was rushed off and it was over 3 hours before I got to see my babygirl. She was very I'll it had taken almost 20 mins for them to resusitate her, although she was able to breath for herself she was severly brain damaged, heart and kidney problems and her blood pressure was virtually non exictent. She improved for a while but by 9pm that night we were asked to make the hardest decision of our lifes. We took Darcey of the machines and she passed away at 0002 on feb the 9th in her mummy and daddys arms. I believe she is an angel now. We miss her so much, my body aches for her everyday. I just hope she has gone to a better place and is happy having fun playing with the angels. The last 4 weeks have been a blur, I realise now the people and things that are important in life and those that aren't. Her funeral was on the 17th and was a lovely day( if that is possible). I hope all of our little angels are playing together. We have decided to get Darceys footprint tatto'd and are getting that done on Monday. I hope my story makes sense- if not just ask I love to talk about her it really helps me. Take care and thankyou for Reading Darceys story xxx
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Replies

  • i am so sorry to be reading this about little Darcey. you and Russel must be totally devastated, Ceilidh, and i can only send you all hugs you need at this time.

    you were so unlucky for Darcey to be one of the little ones who didnt get the chance following the abruption. i'm sure she knows how loved she is, and i'm sure the other angels will look after her for you

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Thankyou both for your replys. We are both doing okay, trying to focus on the future aswell as not forgeting the past. Darcey will always be our first daughter, no one can take that away. We are both just so proud of her for holding on so we got to spend even a few hours with her, it makes all the pain worth while. I also believe that everything happens for a reason and that god must off needed her help as an angel. I know that she will be looking down on us keeping us safe. It just hurts so much that I never got to here my baby cry or see her smile and laugh. I'll never get to play With her or take her to school. After she passed away we gave her a bath and put her in fresh clothes-it was the hardest thing ever and llooking back I do not no how the hell we managed it, I felt it was our job to do it- we are her mum and dad and that's what u do. I'm so glad we did. I feel angry that she never got to experience life and I never got to be a 'proper' mum to her. I know that she will be experiencing 'life' in a differant way and that one day hopefully not to long away I will get to be a ' proper' mum to Darceys little brothers or sisters. We have been reffered to private counseling aswell as SANDS so I'm sure that will help- at the moment my head is all over the place... I have just read over my post and I'm all over the place! Sorry-I never was good at explaining things never mind my feelings. Xx
  • OMG CeilidhA

    I am sobbing as I read your daughters story.

    I can not even begin to imagine what raw pain you must be feeling. I feel terrible as I have no words of comfort for you, I clicked from front page and didn't just want to read and run.

    I too believe that she is already 'upstairs' looking down- as an angel, and is very much your daughter.

    God, sorry, I really dont know what to say.

    My thoughts are with both you and Russell, I hope SANDS help.

    Sam xxx
  • what a terrible loss you have goen through. my heart truly goes out to you. i cant imagine how you must be feeling, but you sound so strong and your baby darcey would be so proud of you both.

    she will be looking out for you both always and forever x
  • Thankyou for your messages and for Reading my story, I wish I could tell the whole world all about Darcey and just how beautifull she was!

    Sam -thankyou for your message, peoples words really help me to feel less alone. I remember when I used to read and run messages, feeling like there is nothing I could possibly say to comfort or help but I realize now I could have. It's just such a shame I had to find that out this way. xxx
  • Hello

    I must admit after reading your story i wanted to read and run as I just didnt know what to say. However if in the tinest way possible by leaving a message it helps you then i will try.

    You are so brave, you have explained yourself so clearly depite going through the most difficult thing in the world. I too believe that God needed an angel and that she has gone to a better place. My friend lost a baby very shortly after birth and she has this on her little boys grave.

    'An Angel in the book of life,
    noting down an infants birth
    and saying ere he closed the book
    Far too beautiful for earth.'

    I have heard that SANDS is very good so i hope that you find them helpful. Sending you the biggest hug and you, your partner and Darcey are in our prayers

    xxDBxx
  • What a difficult story to write. It read exceptionally well and moved me to tears. I can't believe how strong you and Russel were, it must have been so hard dressing Darcey - I bet she looked so beautiful and peaceful. I remember the fear when my little girl was rushed away from me to SCBU because she wasn't breathing - however she was one of the lucky ones. You are a brave woman and were a proper mother to Darcey in her short life. I hope the pain gets easier to bare as you remember your beautiful little girl.


    I love this following poem, I hope you do too:

    Do not stand at my grave and weep

    I am not there, I do not sleep

    I am a thousand winds that blow
    I am the diamond glints on snow

    I am the sunlight on ripened grain
    I am the gentle Autumn rain

    When you awaken in the morning's hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds

    In circled flight
    I am the soft stars that shine at night

    Do not stand at my grave and cry

    I am not there
    I did not die


    Helen xx
  • just to let you know that you are a proper mum to Darcey - in just that short time you had with her, she will have known the love that her mummy and daddy have for her. that is what a proper mummy is all about!

    you will be able to tell your next baby how brave and poorly Darcey was before she lost her fight, and you wont ever forget her, as i'm sure you know. you have been robbed of the times that you should be able to spend with her, but she will always be with you in your head and heart.
  • As long as she is on your mind Darcey is always with you. Sending you all my love at such a hard time and I do pray that one day you welcome a healthy and strong baby into your life. I am pregnant at the moment and to read this is just so sad but I believe there must be a special place in heaven for babies so they can play together.
  • Hi there

    You seem mature for your years and I am sure that has helped you carry this terrible tragedy. You are doing the right thing to talk and talk about her. My friend lost a baby at 16 hours last year and it was one of the hardest things to see her and her husband go through. I did not know what to say, how to act etc.. I have lost both my parents and some young cousins so felt like I should know the right words but I could not find them. i was scared to upset her. Then I realised she was upset no matter what I said. So, I just asked to see pictures of her daughter Rebecca and I asked questions and my friend blossomed in front of me and was so proud to show me pictures and talk about her.

    What happened to your daughter was a terrible tragedy but as you say she is safe now, with the angels.

    this poem has been printed on here before but it so poignant. My friend had it printed on the mass sheet for Rebeccas memorial and it makes me cry every time...

    hope it does not upset you too much but read it a few times as its so true and so beautiful.

    Keep strong and together you and Russel will get through this......

    Don't let them say i wasn't born'
    That something stopped my heart,
    I felt each tender squeeze you gave'
    I've loved you from the start.
    Although my body you can't hold,
    It doesn't mean i'm gone,
    This world was worthy,not,of me,
    God chose that i move on.
    I know the pain that drowns your soul,
    What you are forced to face,
    You have my word, i'll feel your arms,
    Someday we will embrace.
    You'll hear that it "was meant to be,
    God doesn't make mistakes"
    But that won't soften your worst blow,
    Or make your heart not ache.
    I'm watching over all you do,
    Another child you'll bear,
    Believe me when i say to you,
    That i am always there.
    There'll come a time, i promise you,
    When you will hold my hand,
    Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
    And then you'll understand.
    Although i never breathed your air,
    Or gazed into your eye's,
    That doesn't mean i never "was"-
    An Angel never dies.



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  • Thankyou for all of you replys and poems....

    ..dee dee- we actually used this poem on Darceys 'poem' sheets. We had them made up with a photo of Darcey on the front and one of the three of us on the back, with two poems in the middle. The one that you have posted and this one...

    Since the moment we knew that you were there
    The excitment and the love that we both shared
    Those black and White images
    Showed a little face
    How cute you looked
    Full of grace

    As time went on you told us you were there
    The excitment and the love that we both shared
    No one could have thought of the pain and dispair
    We would feel when u were there

    Two shattered hearts as you fought on
    Our love for you is so strong
    You were such a brave little thing
    Our feeling of helplesness and waiting

    As time approached us
    We knew it wasn't long
    Before you became an angel
    But your spirit still lives on

    So spread your wings
    Our gorgeous girl
    Never forgotten, Darcey
    We never will
    XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

    We love both the poems. It's been 5 weeks today, It's unbelievable how much your life can change in such a short space of time. Anyway tattoo's tomorow... Wish me luck! I'm a tattoo virgin!

  • Really sorry hun.. my heart goes out to you. Its a lovely idea to have the tattoo done, a reminder of your beautiful little girl. hugs and kisses xxxxxxx
  • Hi myasmummy! Thankyou for your message x we got our tattoo's done! I got her footprint on the small of my back at the top and her name with two interlocked hearts on my wrist, that one was 'ouch' but totally worth it-I love it! Russel also got her footprint on his forearm and is now wanting more!... Oh no what have we started! Mind you russels 23 next week and that was his first, which seems good going these days as people seem to be getting them young, my friend was just 15 when she got her first she's got 4 now and planning a fifth! I think I'll stick to my two. Ooops I have just gone completely of topic... Hope you don't mind, sorry x take care x
  • You are so brave and i really do feel for you both....your little angel Darcey will be watching over you and playing with all the other baby angels....my baby girl Daisy i hope...sadly we lost Daisy on christmas day 2008 she was born sleeping it has been a very tuff time and i still have really hard days when all i do is think why why why...but like you i do think everything happens for a reason and our beautiful baby girls are in a happy place playing and smiling and being very well looked after. we also had the poem that dee dee has written down at our little girls funeral its such a beautiful poem......i hope that you are both copping ok and the tattoos aren't hurting to much...i haven't got any don't think i have got the gutts to get one done it will hurt to much...saying that can it hurt as much as child birth lol thats painful!!!
    Take care hun my thoughts are with you both xx kat xx
  • Hi kat, thankyou for your message I was hoping you would reply! First off all I'm so sorry that your little girl had to become an angel too, I remember Reading your story back when u first posted it and it really is devastating, although I didn't leave u a reply then ( which I am sorry for now) you were and still are in our thoughts. Xx

    I really hope that our baby girls are playing together and causing lots of mischief no doubt! Hehe I will blow Daisy a kiss when i blow Darcey one tonight before I go to sleep.We are both coping ok I guess as well as can be expected! Managing to get out off bed in the morning and get on with everyday things although some days I feel like I don't even have the energy to speak you just get on with it and some how a hour becomes a day and a day becomes a week. I noticed you in the ttc forum, I don't know if you have read my post for the 'how long did u wait' topic but hopefully I will be joining u over In the ttc forum in a few months, well actually hopefully you will be away into the 'pregnancy' and 'due in...' forums by then with a bit off luck. Anyway I'm sure I will speak to you at some point in some forum whether it's here/ttc or pregnancy( hopefully some time next year it will be the 'baby' forum eh?!! ) take care xxx
  • Oh kat I meant to say I can't comment on whether the pain of chilbirth is worse than tattoo's as I only 'suffered' a few contractions before having the c- sec but I'm pretty certain that if u can handle childbirth a tattoo would be a walk in the park for you!!!! So are u tempted??? Hehe xx
  • you are so brave writing down the story of your beautiful baby girl ,i have no words to say i have no idea how u must be feeling ,im sitting here almost sobbing as i do almost every time i come over to this forum ,i just want to send u and russell huge hugs i think u r immensely brave and courageous people to be able to come on here and share your story with us ,my sisters little girl was born still in june 2006 and not a day goes by when she doesnt talk about her in some way ...i hope things get easier in time and im sure ure little angel will help u along xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Hi its good to hear back from you...im really glad you are both doin well...i no what you mean when you say an hour turns into a day and a day turns into a week...it feels like i lost Daisy ages ago but then at the same time it still only feels like yesterday...im sure a girls are causing mischief thats what little girls do best but they are so sweet with it...a few of my friends have just had babies all girls so that was really hard to take in i havent yet been able to go and meet there new arrivals but only time can tell if i will or not!!
    I really do hope that i see in ttc or pregnancy forum real soon...fingers crossed this will be my month...you never no!!!! im scared to death about the next pregnancy but i no i will have extra appointments next time round and everything should turn out just the way it should of done with Daisy!!
    still thinking about a tattoo i am so tempted if i get one done it will be my sons name which is Tommy and Daisy's name, just dont when and where on my body lol!!!
    If you want to talk any time you can get me on my email address which is
    kathleeneggleton@hotmail.com
    Take care babes xx
    oh yea dont worry about not replying when you read my post about Daisy...i didnt expect any replys its such a sore subject and no-one ever knows what to say untill they have been through it them seleves xx
  • What a beautiful and well written post about your angel Darcey. Just wanted you (and kat_1986) to know I think you have been incredibly brave and strong and you will always be a true Mum to your little girls xxxxxx
  • hi, ive just read ur story and i have tears in my eyes writing this reply, im so sorry for ur loss of ur beautiful baby girl, my heart goes out to u and ur bf, u must both be so strong, i cant even imagine how hard it must be for both of u at this time but i know darcy would be so proud of u both. take care, love to u and ur family. xxxx
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