Hi

AcademiaGirl · Jan 21, 2010 7:22PM

Hi there everyone, before I introduce myself can I just say that I've been lurking for a few weeks and have been so touched by the support and strength of you ladies. No one really wants to be joining this forum unfortunately but I know that reading your stories really helped me and gave me courage.
Anyway, my name's Rosa and I've been on BE a while and usually hang around the Dec 08 forum, I've a gorgeous and slightly nuts daughter, Lorelei. We totally adore her and early on decided to try have another baby as soon as we could.
I got my bfp in Sept and we were delighted but at our 12 week scan we were told our baby was only measuring 10 weeks. They said to come back 4 weeks later that I'd probably just got my dates wrong but we knew that wasn't the case. We booked a private scan for the following week, unfortunately our gut instincts were right and they told us the baby's head was measuring 13 wks (which was inline with our dates) but the body was 11 wks and they thought it was maybe hydrocephalus and refered me to a specialist. A week later we had a detailed scan and amniocentesis, but the consultant told us that the outlook was bleak- the baby's head was measuring correct but not the body, the heart was in the wrong place and it's bowels weren't showing up. They strongly suspected holoprosencephaly- it's a condition whereby the brain doesn't split into the separate left-right hemispheres and in most cases the baby dies before birth though could go full term and survive a few months but due to malformations it would be in servere pain. We were offered a medical termination - we live in N Ireland and so abortion is illegal unless deemed medically necessary. It was a horrible week going back and forth as to what the right thing was to do, we never wanted to go down that route but having a baby who was going to be in agony for it's short live would be heartbreaking. We got the results a week later and they confirmed our precious baby had this but also had tripoidy - which is an extra set of chromosones, there is no chance of survival with this. It's thought to be a common reason for early miscarriages though not common for the pregnancy to continue as mine did. It was a horrible time, we were devestated but it was the day before our daughter's birthday and week before christmas so we tried to put on a smiley face and get on with it. Unfortunately a few days later I lost the baby, and had to be induced. I gave birth to our precious little boy, early hours of 22 Dec, he was 18 weeks. We were and still are heartbroken, though had a blessing and cremation for him on 30 Dec which helped give a bit of solace. I miss him so much, I just can't get my head round not being pregnant but not having a baby. We have a lot of family and friends supporting us and they are great but I don't feel like they really understand and have a feeling that they think should be getting over it

Hope my post wasn't too long x

[Modified by: mummychop on 16 January 2010 22:39:51 ]

waiting4baby · Jan 16, 2010 6:56PM

Hello Rosa, I am so sorry for your loss, what an awful situation to be in, it must have been very hard to be given so much information and be expected to make decisions like that. I get the impression from your post this decision was eventually taken out of your hands which must itself have given a huge mix of emotions that were hard to deal with!
I'm not sure how long you've been 'lurking' but I'm w4b and lost my little girl at 20weeks in September in the womb, she died inside me and labour was induced. They never found a reason. It is easily the hardest thing I have ever been through and yet I am ok. It takes time and you are still in the early stages of your grief. I know you will never forget your little boy but you are very lucky to have your little girl already, I have a son (2yr) and he has been a great help in the grieving process both as a reason for getting up and as a distraction from all????
the pain, I am sure your little girl will do the same for you.????
It is incredibly hard to get your head around not being pregnant especially if your body is stabbing the knife in with it's reminders, producing milk was painful and emotionally draining. I think most of us on here wanted to be pregnant again straight away although a lot of women do wait. I am fortunate enough to have fallen pregnant again quite quickly but it's early days and terrifying.
I am so glad you have found the strength to join us and hope that you find the support you need here. I agree none of us wish to be here and no doubt never thought we would be, but it's good to have as you talk to people who can really understand. I also feel theres a point where people felt i was letting my emotions go on a bit and sadly they have brushed my baby girls memory under the carpet but i hold onto her and noone knows i still visit her grave or think of her before I sleep. I don't think anyone who hasn't been through such grief could possibly understand which is why it's so nice on here to know you are not alone. Take care and wishing you the strength you need x????
????????????
Ps make your posts as long as you need to, if you bottle it up here where can you let it out.........

AcademiaGirl · Jan 16, 2010 7:33PM

Hi- thanks for the reply, I was lurking from mid Dec just when knew we weren't going to have a happy ending. You're right in that the decision was made for us, he passed away and I had labour induced. It was doubly hard in that I had a bit of a complicated birth with Lorelei, and needed a section. I was really disappointed not to have been able to have her naturally then got to have a natural birth in the worst circumstances but if could go back I'd not change a thing.
We,ve just moved over to England for hubby's work so the move has helped keep my mind of things as well as Lorelei of course but once I sit down in the evening it all hits me but as you say it is still early days and the hormones are still strong. Because we've moved over here for 2 years we didn't have him buried so he's with us at home which is soothing.
My initial reaction was to get pregnant again but I just think at the minute that having had 2 babies in a year, I should give my body a rest. Maybe... Congratulations on being pregnant again, I'm sure it'll be extra nerve wreaking but I guess just have to take each pregnancy as it comes, and you have lots of support as I've seen.
Thanks again, Rosa x

_Wooly_ · Jan 17, 2010 2:54PM

Hi Rosa,
I'm sorry for everything you've had to go through! We are all here for you if you need us. I lost my quads (4 girls) in August. Its very early days for you so don't feel like you should be "over it". I don't think any of us ladies on here will ever get over our loss. Every day you get a little stronger & just manage to cope a bit better than the day before.

If you have a SANDs group near you its worth going, even if you only go once & think its not for you. I found the other men & ladies there knew exactly how I felt.

Hang in there, Julie x

hayley_l · Jan 17, 2010 3:30PM

Hi Rosa, I am so sorry for your loss, it is heartbreaking and if I am honest, you never get over it, you will come to terms with it though and life will get back to something resembling normal but just remember, it does take time. I lost my little girl 16 weeks into the pregnancy in May 2003, like your son she also had an extra set of chromosomes (she had 69 in total) they told me this was down to the fact that 2 sperm fertilise 1 egg and in some cases it splits to make twins but in other cases it doesnt, in my case they said it was a partial molar pregnancy and it is very rare for the pregnancy to continue past 16 weeks but most end at around 10 weeks. I still think of my daughter now but it doesnt make me sad like it used to, Brithdays are sad and I am always really emotional in the few weeks leading up to her birthday, We go and visit her grave and leave her flowers and toys, to start with there honestly wasnt a week went by without me being there at least twice, now it is every few months, not becuase I dont miss her but becuase I dont need to go there to feel close to her, she is always in my heart.

Take time to grieve, dont worry about what other people think you should be doing or how you should be feeling, everybody reacts to things in a different way and you will come to terms with it in your own time.

Sorry for the waffle, take care and hugs to you xxxxxxxxxxx

waiting4baby · Jan 21, 2010 7:22PM

Thank you, I am a nervous wreck but who'd not be

I'm glad you've had a change of scenery and that lorelie is helping distract you. It's no surprise you still think about him in the evening and even now I still think about Angel, I can't not. It's just with time you are able to do it without so many tears and questions as you're able to control it better. Like you said your hormones will still be all over the place and it will take a good few months before you feel more ready to face the world but you'll get there

how are you feeling now? Take care x

Hi

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