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Pregnancy ends at 20 weeks have to give birth to it!
Hello, Im not sure where to write this but m/c forum seems to be for earlier non still birth mums.I went to my 20week scan today and found out my baby died about a week ago. I am devestated and so confused. Now I have to give birth on Saturday as lo is too big for anything else. I am so scared and confused. I don't know what went wrong or why or how I'm supposed to get through this. They've suggested a post mortem and said I can have the baby for burial (I won't know the sex until it's born) but I've no idea how I go through this or how to go about arranging a funeral as I'm pretty sure it's not wven a 'valid life' for a death certificate. I'd really appreciate any advise anyone has to offer as I'm a mess. Thanks
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Speak to your hospital, it may be that they will be able to arrange things for you or if not they will certainly be able to point you in the right direction (maybe speak to the hospital chaplain).
Take things at your own pace and if you need to cry/scream or talk then do it, dont try to be brave for other peoples sake. I am here if you need to talk or you can e-mail me using the e-mail button.
Once again I am so sorry for you xxx
I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my quads (all girls) 5 weeks ago. I went in to labour & was shocked, scared & wasn't going to look at them, hold them, name them etc. I did name & see them but sadly I couldn't find the courage to see them until they had died.
If I could suggest anything it would be to take the time to see, hold, name etc. I really regret not holding them, they were beautiful. We got hand/feet prints, cot cards, photos etc. I wish I had just asked for 5-10 mins alone with the girls & it might be something to consider.
We had to register the births & death but didn't go for a post mortem. We knew ours were born at 21 weeks as there were 4 & my body couldn't cope. It might give you answers for any future pregnancy to find out why...of course the hospital might never know what went wrong. I know its hard to think about another pregnancy but in time you might be ready & knowledge now might make it slightly last painful next time. We had a cremation. I didn't realise we would not be given ashes as the babies were too small. Had we known we might have bought a plot & buried the girls there.
Regarding the birth, it was a weird feeling. They had me on dia-morphene so it wasn't as bad as I thought. Physically my body coped well giving birth as the babies were small at 21 weeks but my head found it difficult. I kind of shut down on to auto pilot & just got on with it.
Sorry, I'm not sure if this is helping matters. I hope everything goes as well as it can for you. I will be thinking of you. When you are ready, please let us know how you got on, what sex your beautiful child was, name etc. We are all here for you & understand the pain you are feeling. If there is anything I can do please let me know. Julie xxxx
[Modified by: WOOLY on September 11, 2009 05:22 PM]
The problem is my husband also wanted a burial and that's fine except we've not really become a part of any church here and nowhere means anything. I'm devestated because I'm desperately trying to grieve (and he is) and now I've got to look into arrangements and costs and decisions I just don't want to make!
I am hurting so much for my little baby I just can't cope and I don't know what to do, I feel like now I've given birth I've been left to it.........
I am sure you are coping as well as could be expected, you dont have to cope after something like this, you are entitled not to. The best advice I can give you is to talk to whoever will listen, that is what helped me. As for the not knowing the sex, we didnt find out that we had a girl until 6 weeks after she was born and we got all the results, that was for me the hardest thing as I just couldnt seem to function or imagine things without knowing. Finding out she was a girl was strange because after I had that appointment I was almost elated and wanted people to congratulate me on my daughter (I know that sounds odd but I had a baby girl and I wanted recognition for that) It really helped in the long run as it meant we could name her and have a plaque on her grave with her name on, she was Madeline Grace, a person, not just baby Lawrence.
Try to take things one day at a time and dont be too hard on yourself if you do feel down and tearful, it is not surprising that you will feel like that but I promise you that it will get easier in time, and if anyone had said that to me at the time I would probably have screamed. I still have odd days when I think of what might have been, mainly on birthdays and what would have been her first day at school, and she is always in my heart, I will never forget her but the hurt gets less.
Take care and you know where I am if you just need to vent ((((((hugs)))))
Hayley, what a beautiful name for your daughter! Your so right about wanting recognition for our babies. I can say with pride " my daughters" & know it wasn't a dream...they were real & we loved them.
Take care ladies xxxx
xxxx
I went for my 20 weeks today to be told it's died I don't know what to do plz help
I'm so sorry for your loss, thoughts are with you at these hard times.
My mother lost my brothers 4 years ago on the 13th of October. She was 22 weeks. She didn't even know she was actually in early labour apart from when she went to the toilet and he was there. He was so beautiful, all babies are. The hospital we're so nice and supportive. Although he should have been classed as a MC because he lived for an hour he was a death which shocked staff and nurses as they'd never seen this before. They ensured he was clean, dressed and wrapped in a little homemade cot big enough for him so he didn't look lost.
Hi am sorry for the losses people have suffered. I know how hard it is. right now I can't even talk about it all I want to do is cry. It's been 6 weeks now since I went into early labour. I was 22 weeks pregnant. It started with what I thought were braxton hicks but they were contractions. They carried on for about 3 hours getting more regular and more painful so I called the labour ward they said I should come in. They checked baby's heartbeat everything seemed fine. Just as I was about to go home when I went to the toilet there was a little bit of blood. When they checked my cervix it was 4cm dilated. They said there was nothing they could do. Within hours baby was born. Complete shock! I thought I was coping but after seeing a bereavement midwife this week I am in bits. Angry, disappointed, scared, confused and just sad. I'm tired of talking to my husband as I don't feel as though he understands. Although he is grieving too he prefers to get on with life as if it never happened. So I just don't talk. I cry.
How and when does it get easier? At first I wanted to try again straight away. Now I don't even want to. I have one daughter and now I am struggling to be a good mum. Initially I poured everything into her as a way of dealing with the loss but now I feel as though I only have the energy to cry and barely sustain myself. My husband and mum are doing their best to look after her. I know it is unfair to her. She is just a year old. I think she senses that something is wrong. I just feel numb and detached. People think that having one child takes away the pain of losing one. It doesn't. Loss is loss and grief is grief.
I would just like to know when it gets better...
I was right at 20 weeks when I lost my first baby boy. That was 20 years ago. I still have trouble dealing with it sometimes. Mother's Day and Valentines Day every year are my worst times. He was born and died on Valentine's day. It does get easier but it will never go away. It helps me when I can talk to people about it.
Hello everyone
I am the father who lost his 20 weeks baby yesterday itself. I am writing this on behalf of my wife. I cant expalin how we felt when we came to know that we have to do labor at 20 weeks as all the fluid came out of womb natuRally.
Our baby was totally fine in the womb with all his function but due to lack of fluids he wont be able to survive. Me and my wife cried a lot after hearing this. We have to take decision and take out our baby at 20 weeks only just ensure my wife dosent get infected. We cried alot and my hands were litterly cramping when i hold my dead baby boy in my hand. I have lost my whole world and i cant tell how we are feeling right now.
Hi Krish, we are so very sorry to read your post. Please do know, you and your wife are not alone, and we wish you much love and strength to get through the tough time ahead. We have an article which will hopefully help you and your wife with things that might happen over the next few days and weeks right here. We really hope it helps.