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Bit of a whinge .....

I don't know why this has upset me so much, or whether I even have a right to be upset but I feel miserable and given there's noone else to understand I hope you don't mind me offloading here.
I received a message today that came as a complete shock and was told my cousin is expecting a baby, there was no breakng it to me gently or anything like that, it was just... baby due in x and can't wait to be a grandparent!????
I'm just so upset, of course I'm happy for them and all that but there was no care about the fact that such news could even possibly sting given I've lost 2 in the last year, esp the horror of Angel and the last was only February! Noone knows I'm pregnant again (but that's also hard as it means I'm petrified if something goes wrong I've now got a family reminder for the rest of my life!!!!!!) it's also quite obvious there's a 'won't happen to me' aspect as they've announced at around the standard 12week mark. I just want to cry it's taken me so long to get pregnant with my son and then I go on for ages before being blessed again only to still be pregnant a year on and no more babies and I get a 'look at how lucky we are' thrown in my face :,(
I'm also so upset that my mum was told yesterday and she didn't think there was a need to warn me or break it to me gently, her excuse being she didn't think I'd find out yet! I mean - hello!- who doesn't (aside from us) want to shout it from the rooftops after the first u/s!!!!!!! She's brushed off my feelings completely and that's hurt too.

It's just another reminder that everyone else has moved on and has no care in the world while I still hold onto what little memories I have and all this pain! But I smile because everyone wants me to and can't be bothered to acknowledge the smile's a lie image????

I am so scared about this baby, I'm trying to think positive but I can't help thinking what if..........

Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhh! Sorry bit of a down day I think!- do you think I'm being irrational about it all?

Replies

  • Hi w4b,

    Sending you big hugs (((()))). I don't think you're being irrational at all. A slightly different situation for me but one of my friends daughter has just had a little girl, i was sent a text to say that she had arrived and although happy for them, i also felt extreme sadness as the excitement they are experiencing should be what my hubby and I should still be....its not at all fair, I felt bad for feeling this way but at the same time feel its justified....

    For you and because its family, i'd also be upset about the way you were told, almost blurted out without consideration for your feelings and what you are still going through. I'm finding that some people think that because the "event" has happened, you just move on as though nothing has really happened, it makes me so angry as its nothing like that at all....its something that we have to deal with every day of our lives and never goes away (not that we want it to but you know what i mean i hope).

    Mum's often do things without perhaps thinking 1st but i'm sure your mum, on reflection feels upset for not protecting your feelings and won't do it again.

    I know that you must be so scared for the new baby but try to stay positive if you can, just take each day as it comes, thats the only way i can function at the moment.

    I'm also feeling down today so probably haven't helped you but just wanted to say that i do understand your frustration, upset and anxiety.

    Big hugs again ((())), take care xxx
  • hi w4b
    i think what u r experiencing is TOTALLY natural!
    my brother and sister in law had a baby this jan so my mum told me about last may?... bearing in mind i had my daughter in jan! and of course my mum was genuinly pleased but i couldnt help but think she didnt really consider my feelings when she told me! we were trying she knew that, i cant put my finger on it she was beaming from ear to ear and i just felt she was in sensitive.
    then when i was alone i just cried and cried.
    of course i was pleased for them but upset for myself as i also had an early mc before i concieved my 2nd daughter and was just feeling sorry for myself i suppose!
    i never spoke to my mum nay more about it and anyway got pregnant with this baby in august so took my mind of it a bit.
    well just to round that up its totally normal what u feel!
    my brother also was talking about it and declared it even on facebook wehn she was like 6 weeks pregnant and i thought.. how can u do that when u know so close to home how much can go wrong!
    but oh well not everyones a pessimist like me!
    i know u must be worrying so much i really do!
    gotta try to be positive!.. my thoughts are with u x
    keep us updated
    Lisa xx
  • Thank you both, it's really helped knowing I'm not just being over sensitive and you've both felt it too. I'm sorry that you have though, and that there's reason to image
    I'm feeling a bit better now, i just think it was complete disbelief in the way it'd been dealt with and I'd like to think (and almost certain) that I'd have had a bit more compassion but that's the way it goes.
    It's such a shame sohappy! That it really is a case of 'event over -move on' as far as everyone else is concerned, I was even told I can't not allow anyone to get pregnant ever again! -that's not the problem, I don't care what anyone else does I'm just asking you understand I'm still bloody hurting, eugh! but it seems to be there's a time limit noone told us about for these things!

    I am very nervous about this one because Ive had no explanation for the past and it worries me. I am seeing the consultant in 2weeks though so hopefully she can help put my mind at ease until the next freak out image

    Hope that you find your smile soon sohappy! And hope you lisa get that baby home pronto x
  • Honestly, if they had to go through what i can only describe as a living hell and had to bury their baby and somehow continue to live after that, they'd bloody understand that there is no "event over - move on". It really makes me so angry and even more upset when people have this opinion, they've not experienced this.

    We've had the same, w4b where you have been told that you don't want others to get preg, we've been told "but you're both still young" like they're not even taking into account how we feel about our baby dying, its just like they think you'll have another baby and it'll be ok - newsflash - IT WON'T...they just don't get it and never will....sorry for the rant....obviously still feeling low and know that i can share my real feelings on here.

    I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better hun and really hope that the consultant puts your mind at ease, even if its just a little bit. I think even if you had explainations for the past you'd still be as anxious just because you've sadly been exposed to what can really happen....we're still waiting to see if we get any results from Thomas' tissue samples, should be told in about 3 wks but to be honest, i don't know if it'll help us as the outcome is still the same, we'll never get our little one back and that hurts like hell.

    Keep your chin up (she says when hers is down), thank you, i also hope that we can smile once again at some point xxx
  • Thanks,
    'you're still young' is a good one, I also get 'well you've already
    got one so you shouldn't be upset about so and so' - erm yes they cancel each other out I'm on top of the world!!!! Aaaarrrgh!
    I think most the time you just have to let it go over you but it is very frustrating and very hurtful- I'm just glad there's somewhere to talk to people who really get you (but obviously wish there was no need!)

    No answers or answers probably don't make a difference you're right and I'm sorry you're still waiting, but as far as future pregnancies go I'd like to know I can do something to change the outcome as being told I'm just 'very unlucky' doesn't really help, but I know deep down that realistically it won't materr what I do
  • I'm sorry i made you feel like that. I do agree that if answers help future pregnancies then of course that is a bonus and something to focus on to help you get through to the other side....i just meant that in our situation, even if we do get results in a couple of wks for Thomas, he's still gone and noone can stop our hurting xxx
  • Hi w4b,
    Some people are so bloody insensitive, i've had similar things happen to me. Like my sister announcing the birth of her daughter on facebook with a lovely spread of pictures, a month after i lost Ewan, and she hadn't even told me the baby had been born!! Then there's my Nephew and his girlfriend, who are due a baby any day now. Another one that got announced on facebook by my older sister saying she's going to be a granny and can't wait for the new baby coming into the family!! I really think that people just don't think and unless they've suffered a loss like we have they just have no idea. I'm lucky in the fact that my Mum won't let Ewan be forgotten, she's visited spriritualists just to check he's being looked after where he is and talks about him on the phone to me (she lives in Spain so only seen her twice in the last year). He's always acknowledged when she's asked how many grandchildren she has, it always 13 with us and 1 up in heaven with his grandad.

    Sohappy, I really do hope you get a reason for Thomas' death. When i went to collect our results we were told they found nothing, but then backed it up with "no news is good news" so to speak. I mean I'd rather know what caused him to die as opposed to, "oh well it's just one of those things and he just died", it certainly hasn't put my mind at rest in this pregnancy and i won't rest until the babies are here safely.

    I hope you both feel better soon, I'm not going to use the cliche "it'll get easier with time" as we all know it doesn't get easier, life just gets in the way and it has to be pushed to the back of our thoughts. However when it comes back to being our only thought it's as fresh as the day it happened and no-one but those that have been through it will understand that. Sending lots of love and hugs your way xx
  • I understand how you feel. There have been 3 pregnancies in 5 weeks at work. People seem to just expect me to get over it. I just sit & say nothing when baby names etc are being talked about. They don't seem to grasp how bad it feels to have lost my girls.
    I thought I was being over sensitive but reading your post I think we are totally normal x
  • Hi, I have given up being bothered by the hurtful things people say and do. Every time something in-sensitive is said though I remember it and i'll never forget it either. I do realise people just don't get what we have been through but there comes a point when all you deserve is a little consideration regardless.
    I haven't had anyone announce they're pregnant since we lost Ryan, and I can only imagine how it may make me feel - probably happy for them and sad for us. I think what I am envious of is people who have no worry of anything ever going wrong with pregnancy. I still say now i'm pregnant but WON'T say i'm having a baby!! It must be absolutely lovely to be that naive, hell knows I used to be like that once. xxx
  • Thanks all. Sh! Don't apologise for anything you haven't made me think anything image
    I think it upset me as I've had acquaintances consider my feelings better. A lady running the group I used to go to with zachariah knew about Angel as I'd left class but when I came back after a few weeks people were talking about her pregnancy, she pulled me aside afterwards and apologised that I'd found out the way I did and that shed wanted to tell me seperately as she knew I'd been having difficulties. - it was just lovely of her to say as most people wouldn't even care and so I guess I just expected more from my family.
    I've only had pregnancy announcements whilst I'm 'secretly' pregnant and so I know they're not as hard as they could be and for that I'm grateful but wow this one just HAS to come home because there has to be a limit please image ......
  • Jackie I forgot to say I think it's lovely your mum has kept Ewan alive in memory for you and I think you've said before your sister has too. For us Angel is this taboo subject that noone brings up, I really resent how the world treats this subject as it's just so insensitive x
  • w4b,

    Just keep thinking like that hun, this one WILL come home, stay positive and try so hard not to let others get you down although i know this is very difficult, definately easier said than done. I think the way in which Katy describes it is right, simply not being bothered. I'm much like you so would probably find that hard to do especially when its family but thats definately the best way for your own well being and for bubs.

    I also think its really lovely and special how Jackie's mum keeps Ewan's memory alive, that brought a tear to my eye.

    I'm glad that i didn't upset you image

    Take care xxx
  • hiya,
    i just also wanted to add how nice it is that jackies mum keeps ewans memory alive as it really is a taboo in my life, not even OH mentions her ever, my mum certainly doesnt, i dont get too angry becoz i do think thats its probably that way coz they dont wanna upset me, i also paid for a plaque to go with my nan and grandads rose bush and oh doesnt even know whats written on it, i did it bout 6 weeks ago , i told him i was doing it and he never asked no more!!!!... i could get angry but u dont know how hes feeling. yes we should talk, and he was VERY VERY supportive in the begining so its not a case of that... i dont know... i do wanna talk about her and in a way i dont. i was thinking of taking frankie to the crem to see the rose bush and explain its her sister etc because i never mention it to her ever!!! she must think about it, she was nrly 4 and all geared up to be a big sister. think i will do it once this babys here incase she worries it will happen to this baby 2 what do u all think?... or is she too young shes 5 now but very very clever?.. maybe im doing it more for my own guilt by really making sure shes never forgotten?
    my granny had a baby who died shortly after birth after my mum called charlie, and my mum knew about it but not details etc. and would never ask my granny as it would have upset her so i know she has that mentallity... my granny now has sever alzheimers tho so guess well never know!
    Lisa xx
  • Hi, I just wanted to add that we don't really talk about Ryan either, I mean me and my OH. I guess we just don't know what to say. In the beginning I had a real problem with this and would get very upset and angry. I spoke to my OH about how I was feeling and he said anytime I wanted to talk about Ryan he was there. So I would start mentioning Ryan and he would just shut me off, it was like I was having a one way conversation!! Extremely frustrating. It has really been getting to me lately as I feel like I am the only one who remembers him. Theres not a day goes by when I don't think about him and its not like my Oh doesn't care, I just don't know if he cares as much as me. I know its difficult to talk about Ryan, its not like we can say remember when he did this or anything, I just want to say how much I miss him and wish he was here with us, and get a response!!

    Lisa, I don't think your daughter is too young to understand more about her little sister. I think it would be nice to take Frankie and the new baby to see the rose bush together. My daughter was the last person I expected to be talking about Ryan with (she's 10 though) but it turns out she wants to talk about him, so I do. But no-one else ever mentions him, I still don't think my parents or sister even know his name. You may find once you start talking about her little sister, Frankie may ask your OH about her and it may help him to open up a bit.
    Jackies Mum is wonderful in my eyes. My God, just to have Ryan acknowledged would be amazing, not having him acknowledged is so sad.
    My good friend often asks things about Ryan and I really appreciate it. I just wish others would but I guess they all think its best to say nothing. And i'm terrified of saying anything as I feel like its wrong. It's just so hard. xxx
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