Forum home Family life & relationships Bereavement

3 Months Since Our Losses

Dear All, it's now three months since we lost our twin boys back in November. Though it does get easier to cope with as time passes, you reach certain milestone and it makes it hard again. My wife's due date was 12th Feb and now we envisage what life would have been like, if all had gone well and if we had not lost the twins at 24 weeks.

To make it harder, a young colleague at work had a one night stand last year and was told by the girl a few weeks later that she thought she was pregnant. He never heard from her again and then in January she called him to tell him she gave birth on Xmas day. It seems hard to accept that a healthy child is given in a situation where neither parents actually planned or wanted the child, and was not from a loving relationship. That child will now grow up with never knowing what it is like to have both parents living together and also will one day understand that he was conceived as a result of a drunken one night stand. Yet there are many of us who would do almost anything to bring a child in to this world but ours were taken.

I am not help to wallow in self pity, neither am I complaining to god as I fully accept that I cannot understand god's actions in this matter. I also accept that there is a reason for this and I will never accept that it was for the best.

My dear wife and I are off on a beach holiday for a week. We are planning to start another cycle of IVF in March / April so felt we deserved a break from it all before we do start.

I really hope this year will bring us a baby that we so really desperately want.

We will never forget the twin, we will always love them, we will always think about them, we will always pray for them. They were here they will always be part of our lives. A parent will never get over the loss of a child you do however try to live remembering the happy memories in hope that it will somehow take away some of the pain.

Please send us a few good wishes.

Replies

  • Hi, it is so hard when you see people in a situation like your colleague, really you just want to scream at them and tell them how lucky they are and how you would give your right arm to be in their situation, when we lost our little girl back in May 2003, I had to take a tablet to surpress the pregnancy hormones then go back to hospital 2 days later to have labour induced, on my way back into the hospital after the dreaded 2 day wait I passed a woman in labour who was outside the main entrance smoking and complaining to her oh that she needed a fag and didnt care what the midwife thought, I swear if hubby hadnt had hold of me so tight I would have probably punched her.

    Try to focus on the future, obviously you will never forget your sons, have a fabulous holiday and just relax and enjoy it, then come back fresh ready for the next round, I hope and pray that your IVF is successful and you get your much longed for baby this year. xxxxxxxx
  • Hi there,
    I can totally understand where your coming from. It doesn't seem fair that some people can have kids willy nilly & those of us who crave a family struggle to have one.

    Its been 6 months since we lost our girls & we are due to start our next go at IVF in May. The roller coaster begins again. You wonder if the treatment will work as well 2nd time round, if it does what if early labour kicks in again! Or what if it just doesn't work at all? I suppose its only natural to keep thinking about the process.

    I hope you & your wife can relax & enjoy your break. My hubby & I are planning a get away before our treatment starts too.

    Hopefully 2010 will become a lucky year for us all. x
  • Thanks Hayley and thanks Wooly. Appreciate your comments and also appreciate your good wishes.

    Wish you both a lot of luck too. Wooly, we are hoping to start the IVF fresh cycle in April, with March being a month they monitor my wife's cycle and then end of March down regulation will begin. All going perfectly we could be looking at ET around Mid April.

    You are right it is a rollercoaster and I dread it all. I am very positive that the pregnancy test will be positive like it has been for the first two attempts (first attempt from a fresh cycle and second attempt from a frozen cycle). However, neither attempts resulted in us having the babies we so desperately want. First cycle was a blighted ovum, second cycle we lost our beautiful little sons at 24weeks when my wife had a placental abruption.

    It is scarey in that you keep wondering if that will happen again. I know others who have been through IVF and had success after a few attempts and also one case where the girl had an abruption at 22weeks.

    I don't think my wife would cope if something went wrong again.

    I actually have explored the adoption avenue and realise how painful and impossible it is to adopt. They make it as difficult as possible and it's a 3 year process even if you get through it in the fastest time. I completely accept that they should not allow just anyone to adopt but to make the process so awful to actually put people off from adoption is not good. If right now someone told me that you have to go through a process of giving up every personal detail about yourself and someone monitoring you daily for one year and if that lead to an adoption or potential adoption at the end of it then I would happily accept it and not go through the IVF route.

    But three years is scarey, you think if that if they say no at the end of 3 years then my wife who is currently 36, will be 39 with that biological clock ticking every moment. We are almost forced to go for IVF and the emotional roller coaster involved with it.

    I wish there was something that people could do about making adoption a more feasible and realistic option.
  • hiya karl,
    I'm g/c'ing coz I remember your posts from ttc after mc forum just after you lost your little angels. Just wanted to say hope you have a lovely holiday, and wishing you all the luck in the world with this years IVF (and you with yours Wooly)!! I hope your wife is doing well. You've always seemed like such a great support to her. I'm sure you'll get through this together, as you seem so close.

    Good luck!!

    Gems
    (11wks tomorrow, 3 weeks passed where I MC'd last time, and bean still ok even after a bleed last week image
  • Hi, I saw your post 3 months ago when you lost your little boys and it touched me, your strength and love for your wife was overwhelming. I would like to wish you and your wife all the best for the future and for your next round of IVF, I sincerely hope 2010 is a happy one for you image All the best and luck in the world.

    Char xxx
  • I'm so sorry.
    I also find it hard to take hearing about people who didn't really want children having them or worse still watching the news and those blessed parents taking the lives of their own children- and I'm sitting here knowing I have all this love to give and have now lost 2.
    There's no point trying to understand it or even accept it but I hope one day I'll know how to deal with those emotions.
    Really wishing you both all the best with your next ivf treatment and that you both have the strength to get through whatever life throws at you and have a precious baby(s) at the end of it all.
  • Thank you all so very much. The support and empathy I have got from this site is unrivalled. Friends and family are good but I guess it's only people in the same boat as we are in who can really understand what emotions we are going through.

    The number of times I hear from others, just be strong and time will heal from people who really can't understand what we are going through.

    I really wish that 2010 is a year that brings a lot of happiness to all of you. 2009 all I heard was a number of losses it must have been one of those years where a disproportionate amount of babies are taken from this world.

    We fly tonight and to be honest I can't wait.

    At work people are treating me normally, almost as if nothing happened. My boss for instance threatened to stab me in the eye with his pen yesterday (not serious) so I guess they feel as if they no longer need to tread carefully around me.

    I bit of good news from another colleague. He is a few years younger than me but I know they have been trying for a baby for a number of years now. His wife is pregnant and I can see how happy he is. I hope there is more good news like this to come our way.

    Good luck to all of you.

    Lots of good wishes to you all from me. Thank you for your support, god bless.
Sign In or Register to comment.

Featured Discussions