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Can't pull it together today, whats wrong with me?

Stupid question really....i know whats wrong. I'm feeling so low today and am missing my Thomas so much. I just feel so up and down today...one minute i'm ok, the next i'm in bits again. Thomas is 13 weeks tmoro and i just miss him so much and there's nothing i can do about it.

I'm trying so hard to be positive and move on as much as i can but its killing me inside. I keep giving myself a talking to but i feel useless today. Hubby n i have been on a nice bike ride today which helped and i've just had a shower etc to try and cheer myself up but its not working.

Hubby n I have been looking into moving as you know and it all went positively, the valuation on our house was good and the appt with the bank was good too although we had an ar*ehole of a mananger who said we'd "get over" losing Thomas, what a wan*er!!! My hubby told him so but in different words.

We're offically ttc also so i've got every reason to try and smile again but i just can't today, i need Thomas.

Sorry for the depressing post but its just how i feel atm and i know you girls will understand.

Hoping that everyone is well :cry: xxx

Replies

  • Hi hun,

    I know how hard it is, and just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you! Wish I could say things get easier but I still have my up and down days! It would have been Ian's 1st birthday next sat and my heart still mourns for my little boy althoug I am lucky enough to be carrying a little girl who although won't heal my heart has aready helped me look more positively at the future! Good luck ttc and feel free to e mail me anytime if you just want a chat!

    Becky
    Xxx
  • Thank you Becky,

    Nice to know that you and bump are well. Normally i can muddle through but today i just feel so wobbly. I'm sorry that you still have up n down days too, will be thinking of you next Saturday on Ian's birthday.

    Take care of yourself xxx
  • We all understand how you feel. Its ok to feel the way you do...goodness its been such a short time for you. Its been about nine months for me & I still feel all over the place. It sounds like your making positive steps in the right direction with a move & trying to stay as upbeat as you can. Hang in there x
  • hiya
    first of all theres nothing wrong with u not being able to pull it together, there would be something wrong if u could!
    i know the ache of wanting just to hold your baby so much i really do!
    i still think about my baby everyday and still cry to myself ALOT and its been 17 months and i have a new baby 2! time has gone so fast it almost feels like yesterday yet so much has happened since, wot im trying to say is that it is so early for u and i promise it does get better (i know u probly dont wanna hear that) but will obviously always hurt so much too, we all have to learn to live with what happened i guess very hard when its happened to u tho!
    good luck with ttc try and enjoy it and hope its a knid of positive distraction, something to focus on, as ive said before i really needed things to focus on after my baby died
    keep in touch
    good luck hun am thinkin of u
    take care
    Lisa xx
  • Hi Sohappy, just saw your post and wanted to remind you that you're not alone, although you probably feel like you are sometimes. I know at times I felt like I was the only person that this had ever happened to, even though I knew that wasn't true. I'm always thinking of you and your OH and hoping that you are both getting through each day the best you can do.
    Not wanting to sound negative, but I know people who lost their babies years ago, for one friend it was 15 years ago, and you never get over it, unfortunately its part of us all now. I can't believe that estate agent saying you'll get over losing your precious Thomas. What an idiot!!! How could anyone get over the death of their baby, we just learn to deal with it and carry on with life the best we can.
    Take care, and gud luck again with ttc, i'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
    Luv kathryn xxx
  • Hi sohappy, hope you don't mind me g/c ing here. I often look to see how you are doing and think of you lots. Don't be too hard on yourself hun, you had 40 weeks of being excited about Thomas, 13 weeks is no time. You'll have good days and terrible days, and that ache will always be there but it will hurt less with time. Sending you much love and hugs. Xxx
  • Thank you wooly and thanks lisa for finding the time to post, you must be very busy!!!

    As always you ladies always understand, Kathryn thats exactly how i feel....when we go out and i look around i always think that noone else is carrying the heartache that hubby n i are, i do feel alone a lot of the time. I know we will never get over this but having to try and cope is so difficult, more difficult than most people can appreciate (not you ladies though).

    Thanks for g/c phoenix and for sending your love n hugs, i need them. Hope you're enjoying being a mummy xxx

    Just feel so over the place, think half of it is cos we're ttc which we really want to do but feel guilty, excited, nervous - all of those things, just really hope our little Thomas understands....i miss him, there hasn't been a day when i haven't cried since we lost him which won't help me ttc as i'm so all over the place...its such a vicious circle....we're grieving and need to/want to but my body probably won't understand and then i won't get preg cos i'm all stressed out, i hate this life and what its dealt us (except that we did have a few hours with our Thomas, for that i'll always be more than grateful but wish he hadn't been taken away from us).....

    Take care everyone xxx
  • Hi sweetie

    Just wanted to send you love and hugs.

    You dont have to have good days all the time you wouldnt be human if you did.

    It's good that you & hubby are trying to take positive steps forward, it's only natural that after maybe a better day it may be followed by a tougher day.

    All my love xxxx
  • Hi sweetie

    Just wanted to send you love and hugs.

    You dont have to have good days all the time you wouldnt be human if you did.

    It's good that you & hubby are trying to take positive steps forward, it's only natural that after maybe a better day it may be followed by a tougher day.

    All my love xxxx
  • Hi again Sohappy, just read your post and what you said regarding ttc. I thought exactly the same when we decided to ttc. I thought my body would just be like, no way, not more trauma. I was extremely stressed, it was very early days since we'd lost Ryan, I was crying constantly, not eating, etc, etc!! I just thought, it can't happen surely. But it did, straight away. So I just suppose if its going to happen it could reagardless of your state of mind. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you and your hubby. I know its difficult as you are grieving for Thomas and feel guilty for ttc another baby, but I honestly think its a positive step, even though it probably doesn't seem that way. I think partly its because you've just had a baby, so you think why are we ttc another baby, and its because you don't have your baby Thomas, and its just awful, because all you want is Thomas and not ttc another baby. I know thats how I felt, and probably still feel, I think now I wouldn't even be pregnant if my Ryan was here.It really is a vicious circle, I just hope eventually we all break free of it and find some happiness in the future.
    Lots of Love, Kathryn xxx
  • Sh! I'm so so sorry, like all the others have said you will never lose this pain, you just cope with it better. I also still have my good days and bad days, I still think about my Angel everyday and sometimes I'll cry, sometimes I won't but she'll never leave me.
    Ttc is a very hard thing to do after grief. It's hard enough when you're doing it just because, but after you've lost your little Thomas it will be extrememly hard because you can't help feeling you shouldn't need to be ttc, that you've already waited so long, there's no fun and excitement in it, tbh it felt more like desperation to me, I just needed to get pregnant and hold a baby that was mine to keep. It wasn't about replacing Angel because that's just impossible but it's just about that need to feel there's good out there. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense or if it's a bit of a ramble, I just wanted you to know you're ok and doing no worse than the rest of us, you will be ok, don't feel pressurised into smiling every morning if you're not ready to because one day you will find a way to get through your days. Take care x
  • hi natasha just came in here to see how you are getting on and to let you know how missed you and thomas are in bim. i cant begin to imagine what you are going through so just want to send hugs. x
  • Hi everyone,

    Thanks for all your kind messages, its really appreciated. I'm just having some really bad days atm and feeling quite down at times. Hubby is always on hand to give me a much needed cuddle which helps a lot. We talk about our Thomas lots and visit his grave which also helps both of us but makes us so so sad at the same time.

    Laura, thanks for your love and care as always, kathryn and w4b, thanks for always understanding and for keeping your fingers crossed for us and Calleigh, thanks for popping in and for saying that we are missed, i miss chatting in bim as we were a pretty close group, i hope that you're enjoying motherhood...i hope to graduate to a due in/born in in the future but for the time being i'm staying put with my new friends whom without, life would be even more unbearable as very sadly, they really understand this hell.

    Take care everyone and thanks xxx
  • Hello, I haven't been online for a few days, just want to say i hope you are feeling a little better today, and to remind you, you are being incredible brave and little Thomas will be so proud of his mummy xxx
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