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Nursery anxiety

My little man starts nursery next week and after a good first settling in session ( I stayed at nursery with him) and a rather awful second ( I didn't stay with him and there were lots of inconsolable tears which didn't stop until I came back) I am now dreading it, he is excited about nursery but won't accept that I won't be staying there with him, he is 2 and half and will only be going one afternoon a week but I feel awful, like I am abandoning him, the staff are lovely and reassure me that he will settle and it takes time but the thought of leaving him there and not being there when he is terribly upset fills me with anguish. I know he will get so much from nursery but how do you get through the dreaded feeling of upset (both me and him) when you leave them??? And how long before he is okay that I am not there???

Replies

  • Thankyou so much for all the reassurance, it's made me tearful !!
    Today is it, this afternoon he will venture into the big wide world of nursery without me! I think I am more nervous than he is.
    We have talked lots about it since last week and although he mentions crying last time I have been trying hard to make it sound really exciting and also reassure him that it is okay to be upset and he will get lots of cuddles at nursery etc I have discussed my concerns with his nursery key worker who has given me tips on what to say to him and how to act, his session today will be an extended settling session as I am not leaving him all afternoon so hopefully this time it will be more positive for him.

    I know I am doing the right thing and that I need to be strong and confident for him, thank you again, I will post a note soon re how he gets on xxx
  • hi jd_mummy
    How did nursery go. My little girl is 3 she never liked to be parted from me, but i once stayed to see if she really did settle when I left. the nursery nurse wasn't lying like i thought she was. (didnt really but made me feel better) maisy settled about 2 seconds after she saw me go.

    Dont you just love kids!! (made me feel guilty all day)

    Rachel XX
  • Hi Rachel

    Unfortunately last weeks session went badly, he cried for ages after I had gone and then wimpered for the rest of the time, he did'nt want to do any activitys he just sat on the lap of his keyworker asking for me!!

    Today we are going again although to be honest I cringe at the thought of it, I feel so bad leaving him knowing how upset he is, I am hoping today we will make a bit of progress and he might join in and play today, I am keeping everything crossed!!

    I will post again with hopefully better news this time, wish us luck xxx
  • hi jd_mummy

    It is going to take time (especially if you are his fulltime parent)he will be wondering why he isnt with you.
    You need to keep talking to him about nursery, make it special, something to get excited about. have a look at bookshops for books about school. this helped alittle with maisy.
    Also does he have anything that he is very attached to e.g. teddy/blanket if so take these with him, or buy him a friend to take with him (doesnt need to cost alot but something he has picked himself)
    Hope this helps. keep me posted

    I have to take a bag full of stuff for maisy
    Rachelxx
  • Hi Rachel

    I was hoping to post better news but afraid not!!

    Before I had even got him into nursery the tears started, I spent about 10 mins trying to settle him in (he would'nt even go to his keyworker) eventually I had to take the hard line with him and tell him that mummy was leaving and he had to be strong, I would be back later etc, he screamed and sobbed, trying to climb over the stairgate to get to me??!! At this point I left feeling like I had just been dragged through a riot. I phoned after 45 mins and was told that he stopped sobbing couple of minutes after I had left although I could hear him crying in the background at this point and asking for me, was told he started to cry again because his keyworker had got up to answer the phone to me!!!

    They said they thought he was ok and coping (not sure I did, but was trying to be strong)

    Phoned again hour and half later, they said he was fine although still not wanting to join in any play, activity's etc, just sitting with keyworker occasionally playing with some stickle bricks by her side. Did'nt hear him crying this time.

    Collected him after total time at nursery being 4 hours (epic for me, momentus for him) arrived to find him in tears with the staff telling me they felt he was tired and had not been crying for long?

    Got him home he seemed quite relaxed, not as clingy as last time following a session so felt tiny bit positive.

    Had to stay late at work tonight so was not home to put him to bed (normally am home) came home to find poor husband trying to console very clingy boy who needed mummy as he put it to me when I did get home.
    Feeling bit battered from the whole experience and wondering if things will ever improve or I'll just continue to feel like the whole process is pretty hopeless!!!

    The last 2 sessions I have sent him to nursery with his favourite comforters so he has them but don't seem to help?

    Sorry such an enourmous post Rachel but guess I just need to explain full picture?

    Jd is a very sensitive little man but just now I am seeing just how sensitive he his, phew...

    Love Jd-mummy xxx

    ps will def get a book about school for him and continue to make nursery sound exciting etc, Ive not given up just yet
  • hi jd-mummy
    Sorry to hear it didn't go well!
    Ive had another idea... do any of the other mums go to a play group or meet in park etc.. if so, may be you could go too, to let your little man make friends out of nursery so that when he goes he sees familiar faces.

    Rachelxx
    (If i think of anything else i will let you know)
  • Hi KayKay,

    It is so nice (sorry if I sound mean?!) to hear someone else with a child the same age is having the same problems and anxietys as us, please let me know how you go with your little man tommorow.

    Jd is a bit poorly at the moment (quite sure he picked it up from nursery last week!) so he won't be going on Weds, I kind of feel that I am using him being ill as an excuse NOT to take him though!

    I wish I could give you reassurance about your little guy and maybe in time if Jd settles I will be able to but right now we are in the same boat - both feeling awful about doing something that in the long run will bring them no end of benefits!! Odd really...

    It was nice to read your post as I am starting to feel like an overprotective, fussing, stresshead of a mother who must be doing something wrong for my son to be soooooo upset about the whole experience? As for you staying with him well i think thats probably what I should have done with Jd but as I have taken the plunge and left him already I feel I can't go back and revert to staying while he settles so I think you're doing the right thing, wish I had done it all a bit slower then maybe he would'nt be so freaked.

    Good Luck tommorow KayKay, i will be keeping fingers crossed for you, keep in touch and you never know, maybe, a few weeks from now we both might have cracked it

    Love Jd_mummy xxx
  • hi jd mummy
    Has there been any joy with little one going to nursery!!!
    Not had any contact for while hope ur ok

    Rachelxx
  • Hi Rachel,

    Sorry not posted for sooooooo long, been a bit caught up in life.

    We decided to pull Joseph out of nursery as he really was'nt coping with it, he was waking at night regularly crying, telling me not to take him to nursery and nearly every waking moment he was concerning himself with what we were going to do next during the day as he was convinced every day would be nursery!!

    I feel a little sad , almost like I failed really but hey, I know him better than anyone and after a long chat with my husband we both realised taking him out was the best thing to do.

    All is not lost though, we plan to start him at playgroup around september time so will have to see how it goes, we figure he will be a little older by then, and he has other friends that go to playgroup (he calls it school) so we are hoping that will help him to settle in.

    I do feel relieved that its over though, he is just starting to chill out again now as he has been extremely highly strung about it all.

    KayKay I hope you have had more success?

    Anyway life is a bit more relaxed now although I'm not sure how long it will last as we've made a mad decision to get a labrador puppy in a few weeks, oh my god I can hear people saying!!! Well we thought we should get our much wanted dog before baby number two thinks about becoming more than just a twinkle in daddys eye!

    Love to all, thankyou once again for your support

    Love Jd_mummy xxx
  • hi jd mummy
    Like you say u know your son and you have made the right decision.
    Maisy now calls her new nursery "school" too
    first session was difficult but she has settled in brilliantly hopefully u will have the same experience with your little one too
    you havent "failed" at all your just doing the best for your son.. (well done)
    Will you be staying with him at his new group. it could be that the other place was abit too noisy and overwhelming but with your company at playgroup he might settle better.

    now you know what to expect you can prepare yourself and you son for the next time. like i said before make it sound exciting.
    Good luck with new pet keep in touch
    Rachelxx
  • Hi everyone.
    I need reassurance that I am not a bad mum! I am planning to put my wee girl Maisie into nursery in September, only for two days. This is not through nessesity but I think she will really benefit from the interaction with other kids. The thing is she will only be 1 year and three months. Is this too soon? I know she will cry at first and take a while to settle but do you think she is too young for the stress of it!?
    Please let me know what you think xx
  • hi hazel
    before you put maisie in nursery for 2 days, try a couple of afternoons or mornings first to try and settle her in extend the time that she is there gradually.
    Maisy was about your maisie's age when she first went for one morning a week.. she didnt get on very well at that nursery so i moved her into another one and she settle in fine. it wasnt her age that was a problem it was the nursery.
    i hope i have helped just try her that is all you can do. good luck reply soon with update
    Rachelxx
  • Thanks Rachel! Ill let you know how I get on xx
  • Here's a really interesting article: It argues against nursery provision but the argument rages on...

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1547703/Children-left-in-nursery-care-turning-into-yobs.html

    Remember that the nursery is a business that creates money from keeping your child at the nursery.  As I nursery teacher myself I am inspected to see if I provide the standards of care expected by the government but I am also a father and believe that the best place for children is generally with their parents, whom are the main educators whether you send your child to a setting or not.. but children are all unique.  IT IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT TO SEND YOUR CHILD TO A NURSERY.  I feel guilty when I say this to parents because it feels like we and they have let the children down. 

    The nursery models in Sweden are much talked about.  They provide a homely setting with mixed age children, creating a family atmosphere...  If it seems your nursery doesn't provide that, or your child is not yet ready for a nursery setting DON'T be hard on yourself.  There are many other ways to achieve your goal for sending them in the first place.  Get together with other parents and talk about it.

  • Hi jd-mum, I could have wrote your post myself. My little boy is two in November, back in August he started nursery just one afternoon a week from 1pm til 6pm. His first two visits went well (i stayed with him) but I was so surprised when i left him for the first time and he cried the whole afternoon. This reaction did not match his usual personality, but saying this, i ahd never left him with strangers before. I am a trained nursery nurse myself and i know that giving your children this kind of experience is good for them in the long run, however, i did not find it easy and i began to dread these days. Ethan developed seperation anxiety and would not let me out of his sight (he is just starting to settle down again). It has taken weeks to get him settled and we are now at the point where i can get him through the doors without him trying to cling to them. He still gets a little upset when i leave but by time i get to the gate and look back i can see him joining in and smiling. He makes the staff laugh because he will not take off his little jacket, he insists on keeping it on (must be that this is his little bit of security). He also takes his two cuddly little bunnies with him (i wouldnt dare stop him).

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