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Special Needs and adoption

I am going to ask you to please not judge me.  Please see that I only want to do what is best for both of my kids.  

My husband and I have two children.  One biological daughter who is 7, and an adopted son who just turned 3.  Our daughter has level 1 Autism, and she does pretty well... verbal, can feed herself... pretty much as independent as any other 7 years old except for the fact that she has moderate-severe sensory issues when it comes to noises.  It has gotten worse of the past few years.   Our son though too young to be diagnosed is looking to have sensory seeking issues and severe ADHD, with a history of trauma from before we adopted him.  

When he first came into our home he was only 6 months, was calm for an infant, and when the adoption became official he was just under a year old.   At that point things were still going relatively smooth.  6 months later right around the time he turned a year and half all hell started to break loose.  His sensory issues, trauma behavior, and ADHD symptoms exploded and have over the past 2 years gotten increasingly worse.  Even with play therapy, behavior therapy, attachment therapy, and speech/occupational therapies he has continued to spiral out of control.  He has been kicked out of 2 day cares, and is on a list for a special needs day care but is staying with a babysitter during the day at the moment.  Him and my daughter are polar opposites.... she is sensory avoiding (hates loud noises, doesn't like to be touched) he is sensory seeking (super loud, in your face, very physical and hands on to the point of causing pain).  They hate each other.  My daughter has gotten to the point where she won't even come out of her room when she is home.  She sits in her room all day/evening with noise cancelling head phones on, and if and when she does come out he will scream causing her to scream from the pain it causes her sensitive ears, and then they will attempt to hurt each other.  We try to discipline both, set them down and discuss how to use our words but it does not work within seconds they are back at it again and we have to separate them.   In the mornings when they have to be around each other he gets her so overwhelmed before we can even get her to school that she can't function in class for the first few hours.  My husband has a job that he cannot afford to quit that keeps him away 75% of the time so I am trying to handle this as a mostly single parent, and we unfortunately do not have any family that can really help.  

Our house is complete chaos, and only functioning semi-decently when everyone is separated in their own rooms.  I have been speaking with my counselor who specializes in families of special needs and adoptions (they run a company that helps families with foster/adoptive children, and they have 3 adopted children of their own with special needs).  Everyone in the household is miserable.  She told me I have two options... hold on, continue to get him help, and hope that in 4 to 5 years things settle down... or disrupt the adoption.  I am sick, and I am torn.   You only get one childhood.... I do not want my oldest to spend the next 4/5 years in her room with headphones on.. a prisoner in her own home.  I do not want my youngest to have to change who he is because his sister literally cannot handle his disorder.  He has not attached to us at all and wants to be anywhere but with us (the counselor said this happens more than you would think).  I also do not want to give up on him and send him to someone else.   That seems unthinkable to me, and yet so does putting our family through another several years (maybe more) of this madness.   There is a family we know who is wanting to adopt a special needs child, they know him well and love him and he loves them, and though his issues will still be the same there they do not have another special needs child like we do.  She is a stay at home mom and the husband is home every evening.  They have a huge supportive family that can provide him with all the attention he needs and deserves without it being split with another child with special needs, and with him being so young and not having an attachment to us or my daughter the change shouldn't have as many long term affects as it would if he were older we have been told.  If we hold off another few years and hope things change with age then we risk things staying the same, but at that point disrupting the adoption at an older age can have horrible affects.  

I do not know what to do.  It feels lose/lose. It feels like he would so much better off somewhere with more support.  It feels selfish to keep him in our household with all of the chaos.  It also feels selfish to give up and send him somewhere else.  Its been 2 years of utter chaos, and we just don't want to waste any more time.  We want to make the right decision for everyone to have the best outcome possible.   Help.   
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