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30, single, going it alone, but not quite yet
Hi everyone
I've been going through these posts and most women are currently TTC, however, being single and not quite financially ready to have a baby (even though I know no one ever is really ever financially ready to have a baby) my situation is a little different and I wondered if anyone was in the same boat as me.
I'm 30 in a few months, have been single for 6 years, and made the decision a couple of years ago that I would become a mum no matter what, which meant going it alone when I was ready to have a baby. I am more than happy with this decision, but have just been diagnosed with PCOS, giving me a shorter time span. My doctor advised to leave it no later than 35 to start trying for a baby, so I have decided that I will get myself organised and start looking into donors in 2 years. My desire to become a mum is much stronger than my desire to meet a man and settle down.
It's difficult being diagnised with PCOS, when you're not actually ready to start trying for a baby, and everyone tells you have plenty of time, but the impact it has on you as a woman is huge. At the moment, there isn't an awful lot the doctor can do for me, I don't want to go back on the pill, and I know I need to lose some weight, but the way I feel is that my body has let me down, and the thing that ultimately makes me a woman - carrying a child - might not be there anymore. I desperately want to be a mum and while adoption is an option, I also want to experience pregnancy, childbirth, all of it. If I wasn't so sensible, I would be telling the doctor I want to try getting pregnant tomorrow. I know I'm ready to be a mum and have a baby, but there is more to consider.
Within my main group of friends, 5 have children (one is also pregnant again), one has PCOS and took 3 years to conceive, and one does not want kids, so being around them at the moment is hard.
But, I have a plan, and I'm determined to get pregnant at some point and perhaps adopt another a couple of years later.
Sorry for the essay style post, but who else can I talk to about this, no one really understands.
xxxx
I've been going through these posts and most women are currently TTC, however, being single and not quite financially ready to have a baby (even though I know no one ever is really ever financially ready to have a baby) my situation is a little different and I wondered if anyone was in the same boat as me.
I'm 30 in a few months, have been single for 6 years, and made the decision a couple of years ago that I would become a mum no matter what, which meant going it alone when I was ready to have a baby. I am more than happy with this decision, but have just been diagnosed with PCOS, giving me a shorter time span. My doctor advised to leave it no later than 35 to start trying for a baby, so I have decided that I will get myself organised and start looking into donors in 2 years. My desire to become a mum is much stronger than my desire to meet a man and settle down.
It's difficult being diagnised with PCOS, when you're not actually ready to start trying for a baby, and everyone tells you have plenty of time, but the impact it has on you as a woman is huge. At the moment, there isn't an awful lot the doctor can do for me, I don't want to go back on the pill, and I know I need to lose some weight, but the way I feel is that my body has let me down, and the thing that ultimately makes me a woman - carrying a child - might not be there anymore. I desperately want to be a mum and while adoption is an option, I also want to experience pregnancy, childbirth, all of it. If I wasn't so sensible, I would be telling the doctor I want to try getting pregnant tomorrow. I know I'm ready to be a mum and have a baby, but there is more to consider.
Within my main group of friends, 5 have children (one is also pregnant again), one has PCOS and took 3 years to conceive, and one does not want kids, so being around them at the moment is hard.
But, I have a plan, and I'm determined to get pregnant at some point and perhaps adopt another a couple of years later.
Sorry for the essay style post, but who else can I talk to about this, no one really understands.
xxxx
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Replies
Not in the same situation but I can understand your decision as I have thought that if I were single then eventually I probably would decide to have a baby by myself. It's a tough thing to do but if you got family and friends around who will support you then I'm sure you'll be fine. I know it's hard to take the sensible approach and ensure you're financially secure before TTC but I think you're doing the right thing. Apart from the fact that you will be happier if you're not worrying too much about money, there may well be people eager to criticise your decision and if you can say, 'Well I'm not relying on the state!' then that shuts up one of their likely criticisms.
As you've been diagnosed with PCOS, maybe you can use the next couple of years to try and maxmise your fertility and get to know your body? You mentioned losing weight but you could also invest in a basal body thermometer to see if you do ovulate at all and if so when. If you don't now, you may find that you start to ovulate after you've lost some weight? This would maybe give you something to focus on while you're waiting and planning. I'm planning on tracking my temperature if and when I ever re-start my cycle! I'm currently on day 57 of my cycle (and not pregnant), hence why I'm looking in the PCOS forum and wondering if that's what's causing the problem!
All the best.
I had POS when I was in my late 20s and early 30s. I received treatement and it cleared itself up before I was 35.
I found myself aged 37 coming out of a long term relationship and facing the possibility that I'd never have my own child. Ended up on anti-depressants, woke panicked and with cold sweats in the middle of the night, it was not a good time.
Late last year aged 38 I decided that I couldn't wait any longer. I did some research, monitored my cycle and asked around and in May this year I did my first cycle of DIY turkey-baster insemination using a friend's sperm. It worked first time and now I'm aged 39 and 15+2 weeks pregnant.
Believe me, I do know those feelings of panic and the desperate desire to be a mother, but your situation is far from desparate.
First, get treatment for you POS if you're not already and see how it pans out. It can be cured or managed sometimes, it's not an automatic lifelong condition. Two, like koalagirl says, track your cycle and see if you're ovulating. If you are then you can take a deep breath and relax. If you're not then go and talk to your GP about what they can do to help you ovulate. It's also worth having a free consultation at a fertility clinic and look into maybe having some eggs frozen if you can afford it, just so you know you have a backup. They may even do it for free if you're prepared to donate eggs, so talk to several.
And lastly, chin up. The statistics scared the hell out of me but they are just average statistics for the entire population and should be taken with a pinch of salt. The fact that older women on average are x% less likely to conceive doesn't necessarily mean that that's your own personal likelihood of concieving. My chances of conceiving first time at my age using a plastic syringe were statistically minimal. Not even worth bothering. But the reality for me personally was that my body was ready and able. It could easily be the same for you.
Also, there is a very good support organisation called the Donor Conception Network who regularly have workshops/meetings for people thinking about using donor conception. I think they've got one coming up for single women who are considering taking the step, and it would be worth going along - they have a lot of combined epxertise and experience in this area.
Sorry if you've already thought of all the above, or if I come over as lecturing. I just don't want someone going through what I went through to despair when there's no need!
Good luck and keep your chin up!
Sal (and RowanBump)
Thanks to both of you for your replies, it's so nice to hear some reassuring words, I can't tell you how many funny looks and nasty comments I have had about my decision. People can be so judgmental, and I have heard things like, not everyone is meant to be a mother, and maybe it just isn'#t meant to be, but I can't hear things like that because I know I am meant to be a mum.
I am going to use these next 2 years to sort myself out, I need to lose a couple of stone, seek some fertlity advice - I'm not currently ovulating and am taking hormones to thin my uterus lining. I'm going to save like hell so I'm ready for some AI in a couple of years
So, I have a plan, and my family are so supportive of my decision, I know I'm doing the right thing. Some friends are supportive, but they don't really understand how it feels for me, and can be incredibly insensitive. Luckily I have a thick skin and their silly comments don't affect me for too long.xxx
All the very best of luck!
Sal
It might not seem like a lot but it's a huge step for me, and now is the time to focus on getting ready for trying for a baby! If only it was all going to be this easy - but I'm prepared for a bumpy ride!
I can't believe how judgmental some people can be! Can they not put themselves in someone elses situation for 5 minutes and realise that we don't all manage to find Mr Perfect, or would just rather go it alone than settle for someone who isn't right??
Rant over!! Good luck to you and I hope everything works out xxx
You are definitely not alone. I too am 30 with PCOS and am very very single. I have always wanted to be a wife and mother but knew there were certain things i wanted to accomplish on my own first. Perhaps because of these goals I never really focused much on dating. i thought id accomplish my education and career goals first and that meeting someone worth while would just happen on its own. In my mid to late 20's I began entertaining the idea of going it alone if I never found a partner and even joked half heartedly to friends and family that if i was still alone and childless by 30 that i would do it. I guess in the back of my mind I just assumed I would meet someone, after all, it seemed like everyone around me was finding "the one" and getting married. If i could only be patient I knew it would be worth the wait. Of course this is easier said then done, and now that Ive reached my self imposed deadline (the big 3 0) I find myself worrying about missing my window and opportunity to be a mother. There isn't a expiration date on falling in love, but there is on getting pregnant. Starting a family through adoption is an option, but like you, I long not only for a child, but to feel that child growing inside of me. I feel like its such a huge part of being a woman and I hate that I might be robbed of this experience. The stress about the whole situation was compounded when my nephew passed away nearly 4 years ago. His mother passed during childbirth and as my brother was a reck and couldn't care for the baby, I stepped in to help. Because of his traumatic arrival my nephew was born with cerebral palsy, a condition that eventually took him from us at just 3 1/2 years old. we were devastated. As his aunt/2nd mommy this was especially hard for me. I am now a childless mother with no partner, a ticking biological clock, and a hormonal condition that may make conceiving an impossibility. I want to be a mom. I NEED to be a mom! And I think it's time to start exploring my options for real. I've finished graduate school, I've got the career I always dreamed of, and now I'm ready for a family of my own; with or without a man.