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Still get upset about birth experience after 3 months
I had an emergency section over 3 months ago. Thoughts about what had happened played on my mind almost every day after the birth, it had been happening less often over the weeks though.
I have a lovely wee son and am not otherwise feeling down about anything, but sometimes I still get stupidly upset when memories come back to me.
It has been like that this week, my SIL is due to give birth very soon and I guess it is reminding me about going to the hospital.
It was almost 48 hours from my waters breaking and contractions starting to happen to him being born. Almost all the memories I have, except for him being born, are not good. I can almost remember being ok at first in the MLU I was breathing away happily and the got me a TENS to try, at some point it all changed. I just remember feeling so out of control as soon as I was transferred from the MLU to the consultant led section to go on the drip, as I was not progressing fast enough. It took two attempts to get an epidural to work, by which time I had become quite uncomfortable due to the medication to induce contractions.
It just makes me feel like I was a bit pathetic and useless for some reason, I can't really remember a lot that happened. I vaguely remember signing the consent form after the baby's heartbeat had been going a bit wonky, but so much of what happened is a blur.
Do you think it would be worth trying to see my notes at this late stage, to help me get my head round it? I had thought that by now I would feel better about it, but I was just about in tears in the shower today with thoughts going round my head. I did tentatively mention to the nurse at my 8 week check how I felt, she just said 'Oh but you have a lovely baby and it's all in the past' kind of thing, that's how my H sees it too, I don't think he understands really.
I feel kind of stupid writing this, but it might help. I hadn't realised how much it was still in the back of my mind.
thanks.
I have a lovely wee son and am not otherwise feeling down about anything, but sometimes I still get stupidly upset when memories come back to me.
It has been like that this week, my SIL is due to give birth very soon and I guess it is reminding me about going to the hospital.
It was almost 48 hours from my waters breaking and contractions starting to happen to him being born. Almost all the memories I have, except for him being born, are not good. I can almost remember being ok at first in the MLU I was breathing away happily and the got me a TENS to try, at some point it all changed. I just remember feeling so out of control as soon as I was transferred from the MLU to the consultant led section to go on the drip, as I was not progressing fast enough. It took two attempts to get an epidural to work, by which time I had become quite uncomfortable due to the medication to induce contractions.
It just makes me feel like I was a bit pathetic and useless for some reason, I can't really remember a lot that happened. I vaguely remember signing the consent form after the baby's heartbeat had been going a bit wonky, but so much of what happened is a blur.
Do you think it would be worth trying to see my notes at this late stage, to help me get my head round it? I had thought that by now I would feel better about it, but I was just about in tears in the shower today with thoughts going round my head. I did tentatively mention to the nurse at my 8 week check how I felt, she just said 'Oh but you have a lovely baby and it's all in the past' kind of thing, that's how my H sees it too, I don't think he understands really.
I feel kind of stupid writing this, but it might help. I hadn't realised how much it was still in the back of my mind.
thanks.
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Replies
But remember as you said you have a lovely baby at the end of it.
and if you think you might have another baby at some tim it might be worth thinking about having a doula to help you through the birth?
xx
I did think about asking to look at my notes, but didn't in the end. I put a post up on here and I found that just talking i through with sympathetic people helped me to move on. But I think that you are entitled to see your notes and query anything that you don't understand, so if you think that would help you then I would say go for it. Also, if you do think you might have more children, going through your note might make you feel more prepared for next time?
In the meantime though, please try not to blame yourself-these things happen for a whole variety of reasons and you are NOT useless!! When you find yourself thinking that way, try to focus on the fantastic job you are doing as a new mum!
Might look into seeing my notes, will maybe help just to fill in the blanks when I was too tired and/or full of drugs!
I had been thinking about it a lot less, but with the imminent arrival of our first nephew or niece (exciting year!), it seems to have popped back into my head.
Hope you feel better soon... just keep looking at your beautiful bubs and reminding yourself that you did that- even if it didn't go entirely to plan! xxx
I have never heard of this but it sounds FAB i think everybody should be offered these!
I did find it very useful to read them - just out of interest for the the 1st 2, but for my traumatic no.3 birth, it was to get it all straight in my head. And to read what they said when my daughter's heart and breathing stopped - it felt unreal at the time. I would recommend you ask for your own notes - I don't think they can refuse you because of the data protection act.
Until I had a traumatic birth, I totally underestimated it's effect on you. I always thought, Oh you just forget about it once have the baby! How wrong - I felt the after-effects of dd's birth 18mths later!
Anyway, I wanted to let you know you are not alone in suffering the after-effects of a bad birth. I think the 'after birth discussions' that the others have mentioned sound great - I wish I had been offered that!
I also found talking about it helped - I did a post on the traumatic brths forum and I have also talked to my hubby & mum about it - I found it difficult to talk about when dd was a newborn - it was just all too raw. When people asked about the birth I lied and said it was all fine! It is only now that I find I can talk it over and begin to get over it.
Mx
i am now expecting again, due in april, and i have recently been thinking about my last birth, and i am now scared sh*tless, everytime i think about it it bring s on a panic attack, so i dont know how this baby is going to come out because at the minute i would be perfectly happy for her to stay in there!!!
I had a flyer from my hospital offering a service to discuss my labour with a professional, would that be something your hospital might offer? Maybe you could ask the HV or your GP for guidence.
I feel for you, I felt the same, still do a bit. I was induced and didn't want to be, not really being informed why, saw so many doctors. Had no sleep the night before the birth, had procedures done that I didn't know why, had waters broken and confined to a bed with canulers in both hands (very painful) and legs in stirrups and having an episiotomy (which I don't remember consenting to). Then 2 hours in theatre and several days of humiliating things happening. Didn't bond with my baby for weeks if I'm honest, at one point I said to a friend what had I done and I wish I hadn't had him! How awful that my birth experience had resulted in that. I was so weak I couldn't pick him up for a day.
I vote for anything that helps your thoughts get filed as it were. Good Luck xxx
Malkymum, that is exactly how I feel - I can barely remember the first few weeks and I think that is part of what makes me sad.
When we went to visit the new baby mentioned above, (she arrived safe and well) she looked so tiny and I couldn't remember him being like that. I had to go and look up photos to believe it.
Thanks again for listening ladies.
x