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Need your advice for a very close friend girls UPDATED

I'm apologising in advance as this is going to be a bit long and complicated!!!

Was'nt really sure where to post this but I know I can always count on you girls for your honesty and great advice. Well here goes.

As you girls well know, the last month has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me, but a very close friend of mine (we shall name her Rita, lol) has been there for me every step of the way. She came with me to Hospital late one night when I was m/cing, and has been ringing me almost everyday to check how I've been feeling. The week I had the scan/ my grandad died I could'nt have asked for a better friend to help me thorugh it all. Anyway, a couple of days after my grandad died I went over to hers to see her. I usually try and go over ever couple of weeks for dinner. She lives with another couple of close friends of mine too, so we all had a lovely curry! Anyway I usually stay over so I can have a few drinks. It got to 1ish, we went to bed, and then she drops a bombshell! "Bush, (my nickname) I'm pregnant!!!" Omg!! She started to ball her eyes out and I just held her. I did'nt know what to say image She basically caught having a 3 night fling over xmas!! First two nights they were careful and the 3rd night, not so careful! She showed me the 4 or 5 tests she had done, all positive!! And she had known for a week but had'nt wanted to tell me because of what I was going through, she didn't want to upset me even more!! All she kept saying was, I'm so sorry Bush image I told her not to be sorry, it was'nt her fault. I just wish she had told me when she had found out!! It was sad to sit and think we would've been due roughly 3 weeks apart! image
Now, you might be sitting there thinking well, thats a bit stupid but, why did'nt she use anything? She never even thought she could have kids!!! Only a few weeks before we were laying in her bed and I said how I would love to have a baby for her!! She has Lupus and is eplilepic. Doctors have always given her the distinict impression a pregnancy would be highly unlikey and very risky for the baby if she did fall pregnant. She was with an ex for over two years and they were 'just seeing what happened' needless to say, nothing ever did.
So now she has the most hugest of dilemas!!!
Rita was born to be a mother, she loves my kids like they were her own, she even spent xmas with us and brought them some lovely pressies! She really is such a lovely person but feels like shes between a rock and a very hard place. The father doesnt want to know, but has said he will support Rita in whatever desition she makes, which is something. He does live about a 4 hours drive from her though image They only met through another friend (who is his cousin) deep down I think he would face up to his resonsibilites eventually. Thing is shes so scared of being a single mum and being on her own ;(
In an ideal world we all want to be in a relationship when we have a baby.
Thing is, if she does take the 'other route' this could be her very last chance to have a baby. She already knows her chances of m/c are VERY high and her baby could very well be born with a hole in it's heart. If she does terminate and say she tries again in 10 years time, theres nothing to say her Lupus won't get worse, and she could never be able to even concieve.
Rita wanted me to write this so she could read your responces and try and come up with all the pros and cons. We've done a very good job so far but I think she also wants to get opinions from single mums esp, to try and understand what it's really goin to be like for her. She has realised she could be on her own bringing up a baby who will need alot of operations. On the other hand, her bean could go against all the odds and be born perfectly healthy. She has her age on her side (25).
I would be very greatful of any replies and will make sure Rita reads them all too. Thank you so much girls, I just want to make sure she makes the right desition. She knows what I think she should do, but it's up to her now.
Lots of love as always, Sarah and (Rita* 7 weeks ish ) x x x

[Modified by: Sugar 'n' Spice on 31 January 2010 14:08:32 ]


  • hmmm... I can see why this is a very very tough one.

    Does she have supportive family? Would the girls she is living with be supportive and let her stay on in the house with a baby?

    Personally I would make an appnt asap with her doctor to see what they have to say. If all ok then if its what she wants then I say go for it and have the baby,

    Thing is, yes, we all want to be in relationship when we bring a baby into this world but whats to say that any of us could be single mums next week, year etc.... the future is uncertain for all of us and we have to grab happiness when we can!

    I have not been a single mum so can't advise on that side of things. I just know through friends that there is plenty of help and support out there and with a friend like you by her side I think she will be fine.

    D xx
  • Thank you for your reply Dee Dee it means alot.

    Her parents are being supportive whatever she decides, they are just worried for her own health, naturally. The two girls she lives with I think would prefur her to have a term, but they are coming round to the idea of her stying there on a temperary basis. One of them really does'nt like kids at all so this was a huge step even for her to say Rita could stay with them for a month after the baby is born!! The love her dearly and just want whats best for her, they think getting rid of the baby would be 'best' for her. Quite honestly I think that would be best for them!!
    She has been to the docs a few times just to discuss what tablets she had to come off/go on but she does need to go again when she has made a desition.
    I also said to her theres nothing to stop me from being on my own 2muro also. Who knows what lies just around the corner (worst class senario) but I'm sure I would get through it, anyone would just have to get on with it for the sake of the kids.
    Thank you again for your post, as always hun you know exactly what to say image x x x
  • Hi S'n'S,

    I am shamelessly gatecrashing- but hoping to be a 'large family' quite soon so hope it's ok as we aren't preventing number 3 at the moment:lol:! I actually came on to do a fao for you to see how you are doing image

    I can also see why it's a tough one. Has she asked for specific advice from the doctors and are they quite positive about her having a healthy pregnancy because I agree with Dee, I think the main concern should be her health and if that is ok then I think she should go for it. She obviously wants children and as you said she is 'born to be a mother'. It might be an idealistic view but I think baby's come along when they are meant to and this baby is 'meant to be'. She sounds like she has supportive parents and she has seem like you are brilliant friends. She will have help and she certainly won't be alone. Her friends who think she should terminate sound interesting!

    I just wanted to wish her the best of luck whatever she decides to do,

  • Hi SNS and Rita!

    well let me start by telling rita that even when you plan for a baby n try for years when you see the positive test you will get scared and feel like maybe you cant do it! fear and doubt is so natural and the fact you are considering this so carefully and thinking of beans future to me says you can do this!!!

    health wise see your g.p and get yourself refered to an obs consultant. there will have been other mothers who have had lupus and managed to carry so there will be a health plan out there! epilepsy is frightening i know my lil brother has it but its no reason to let it stop you, i think given the proper care from maternity services this is possible i know your at high risk of mc and it is heartbreaking to go through but so is the alternative. i wish you all the best hun and if i can be of any help im here txt books at the ready! if this baby is what you want you should find out all you can and make the decision based on fact not what ifs or maybes. anyway whatever you decide hun theres a forum full of ladies who are here n can support you xxxxx

  • Hi, I can see why it is a tough decision for her, and yes ideally we would all want to be in a relationship but in reality alot of people arent. I do think she should see her gp asap to see what treatments she could have, I dont really know much about lupus and pregnancy but I have a friend who is epileptic and put off having a baby for years as she was worried about the effect her meds and her condition would have on the baby, she was aslo worried how she would cope with the baby, however she is a fantastic mum and doesnt regret her decision to have her baby.

    Like you say, this may be her only chance and personally I think that if she decides not to go through with it she will always be thinking 'what if...' for the rest of her life. She obviously has a wonderful and supportive friend in you and I'm hoping that there will be other people around who will support her decision whatever it would be.

    As for the health implications for the baby, again I dont know what they are but from my point of view, I never knew when I was pregnant that Isaac would have the problems he has now, and yes there are days when it is difficult and days where I struggle to cope and wonder how I will get through the day, BUT I would not change a single thing about him even the tough times as they make the good times seem 100% better.

    Sorry for the waffle, hope that helps xxxx
  • Okay can I try to add my two pence. image

    First I was raised by a single mum, and from the child's perspective all that matters is having your mum love, accept and be there for you. In the long run. from babe's perspective life will be okay. It can have some ups and downs with not having a dad, but tbh so long as there is family or a community of people around you, babe will thrive.

    Though I must say I would worry for babe and your friend in so far as it could be at time very hard with your friend's many health concerns. Saying that I have kidney disease and we get on with it, you do, it won't be easy but especially if she has a network of friends and family, life will work things out.

    As for babe's health, that's a gamble we all take. I personally don't feel there is any reason to use that a decision maker until there is evidence to prove there is a problem, and even then, one step at a time, kwim.

    As for being a single mum, while I have a husband, he works abroad a lot. In the last five years he's been home sleeping in our bed for almost 20months, so in the day to day upkeep of caring for children, with health problems ( I have kidney problems, dd1 has epilepsy), and working night shifts myself. I can say hand on heart it is worth every single minute of it. Saying that I'm lucky to have dh's financial buffer, and his awesome friendship and support.

    I'm particularly pro babes though, sitting here pregnant with babe number 4 so I appreciate my bias will perhaps mostly always be go for it. Life is short, unpredictable, but ultimately an awesome journey worth doing. There is going to be struggle, no matter what road you choose, so choose the one with the most potential for happiness.

  • cant really add much to what the ladies have already said but I really wish 'Rita' the very best for her future, whatever she decides.

  • Just wanted to say thank you for all the replies girls. Rita did indeed to decide to keep her bean on Friday. She went to an abortion clinic and it was clear from talking to the councelor she knew she wanted her ababy deep down. She is just so worried what other people will think of her. She had a scan there and all is bang on for her dates, little bean even had a lil heartbeat!!! I will come on and update if theres any further news in the future, Either that or I'll encourage her to use the site herself from now on image

    It's the day of the funeral 2muro so I'm really not looking forward to it at all. Anyway I'm going to do my best to stay off Bex for a while. I love you all but I'm finding it really hard all the talk about babies recently. I'm going to focus on my wedding and will be back possibly in a few months. I'm still on FB so will still keep in touch. I just need a break from here.
    Sarah x x x x
  • Sarah, pls stay in touch with me via txt - I dont have FB. I wont talk about babies etc but I will miss ya if u stay away! xx
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