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What would everyone else do?

thebellethebelle
in My baby was born in Nov 09
Hi I just need to get something off my chest

Me and my OH have been going through a rough patch recently and I thought we were getting better but yesterday I come down to find him emailing his x gf. Someone who he shares a lot of history with, We are currently living at my parents at the minute as were trying to save up for a house. He has raised my DD like she is his own but has recently stepped away. I forgave him for speaking to her as I put it down to us going through a bad patch.

Iv just seen one of the msgs on FB again and because I emailed her saying I thought it was wrong she emailed my bf say hey do u want to give me your number and I can txt u that way that "nutter bitch" (me) can't say anything. He replied yeh with his number and didn't even defend me,, Im so hurt I dont know what to do. This girl does have a boyfriend as well. Im just so confused. I was diagnosed with PND when Isabelle was 3 months old and this really has not helped matters...

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Replies

  • EmilyBEmilyB
    That's a very tough one honey, I'm really sorry you're going through it. I can only really speak from experience and say what I'd do, you know your own OH better than anyone but I hope this helps. x x x

    First of all, if it was me, I'd have to have a proper, calm, face-to-face chat with my OH. That would take some doing,because I'd be fuming, but I'd do it for my lo. I'd outline, very carefully and rationally, exactly how this contact with his ex made me feel and why. I'd remind him that I need a lot of support, especially with the ups and downs of having PND, and that I need him 'on my side'. I'd acknowledge how difficult that must be, after all, it must be vey hard for the partner of anyone with PND, obviously nowhere near as bad as going through it but it's easy to forget how hard it can be to watch someone deal with it. By the way, that's no excuse for his behaviour, not in the slightest, but he might be more inclined to take on board what you're feeling if you reach out to him.
    I'd also remind him that you're not just a team of two, you're a family and that means he needs to put the family first. I'd try and be as understanding as I could, while still making it abundantly clear that his behaviour and lack of defense for me was unacceptable. I do think that this is a situation that can be resolved, as long as he's willing to meet you half-way. Every bone in my body would want to scream and yell at him, but I'd have to sit on that as it wouldn't get me anything but a massive argument from my hubby, and that would be very bad! It's hard to do, I know, believe me, but in my experience it's more likely to resolve the issue that getting cross.

    As for the ex, I'd get a photo of her and use it for darts practiseimage but I wouldn't say anything to her, as that would probably just confirm to her that she's got your back up, and I bet that's exactly what she wants. Remember, they're exes for a reason, and he's with you which shows where his loyalties really lie.

    I really hope you can get past it honey, big hugs x x x
  • mummabear-72331mummabear-72331
    If it were me I would have to confront him on it. Thankfully I have complete trust in my hubby not to go there but in a past relationship this was a problem for me and I confronted it then with my boyfriend at the time. Im normally quite hot headed if Im hurt but on this occasion I approached it calmly and I believe that is what got me the better result (we worked through it and stayed together until I left to go overseas, he stopped the contact with his ex). So I agree with what Em said, sit down and have a proper calm face-to-face with him. Remain rational - it will give you the upper hand.
    Big hugs xx
  • thebellethebelle
    Thanks for the replies ladies, I wish I could of keot calm but I just lost it I was upstairs feeding my DD whom he says he loves and classes as his own and there he is emailing her. i Tried to remain calm but it just went out the window... image I cleared all his stuff out and everytime I thought about it made me cry. I'm so grateful for isabelle she has been a fantastic distraction to what Im feeling.

    He says he doesn't know why he did it and promises not to have any contact with her again. Im taking his word for it maybe stupidly but then at least I can say I tried. I tried to say I didnt want to be with him but deep down I do. Shall see what comes of it. I think its down to the bad patch If im honest this is the first time we have ever struggled and I think he handled it the completely wrong way? Ohh I dont know.

    I know that if this happens again or there is any lies then he is out my door and out of my life... Im not a mug.

    Thanks again for the replies ladies image Wish I'd of read them again before I blew lol
    xx
  • mummabear-72331mummabear-72331
    Im sure you feel a lot better not that you've had it out with him though. I hope things do work out for you both if thats what you want. You sound like you have a level head on your shoulders and wont stand for any more from him if he steps out of line. Be strong and kind to yourself hon.
  • RosapennyRosapenny
    Oh hun I am so sorry, I found out shortly after me and hubby were married that he had been emailing some other woman for 2 years, I was ready to kill him I told him if I had found out before we had married I would never have married him, I completly blew up at him but we stayed together and worked through it and we are really happy again now and I completly trust him, however, he knows that if it ever happens again that I will be throwing him out. If you ever need to chat just email me xxx
  • thebellethebelle
    Thanks for the replies again ladies image Sim-Yes I do feel better now I think it released some of my anger lol well a lot of it actually I think I still would be wound up If I remained calm anybody that can is a saint because I couldn't.

    Rosapenny its nice to hear that you and your OH are happy and together gives me faith in my relationship getting back on track.

    I'm putting it all down to going through a bad oatch and being unsure ect I know myself we have got stuck in a rut and we dont make time for eachother like we used to so thats going to change. I think I forgot that not only is it hard for me to adjust to having a baby its all so hard for him which I need to acknowlege. Hopefully I can update you sometime in the future saying its all rosy lol

    Thanks again ladies love this place to vent, And its nice to know that I am not the only one that would be fuming.

    xxxx
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