An overwelming urge

aerobubbles · Jul 21, 2010 4:48PM

I was diagnosed with PND 2 months ago when my son was 8 months old, I'm currently taking anti d's and I am receiving counselling. Before I was diagnosed I was having horrible thoughts about harming myself and that something terrible was going to happen where my son would be taken from me or that I was going to be taken away from my son. These thoughts are gradually fading however, tonight when I was drying the pots, I picked up a knife that was on the draining board to dry and I had this horrible thought about stabbing myself and what would happen. Of course I didn't do it but I'm scared. What if I have no control over it next time? Its like I have these voices in my head telling me everything is going to be ok if I just end it!How awful is that. My son and my husband need me and i'm thinking of ending it all.

I was going to call my husband home from work as I was so scared that I could actually do something like that. I will mention it to my counsellor the next time I see her.

anna198 · Jul 21, 2010 4:31PM

hi, i saw the title of this post and didnt want to read and run.
Take a deep breath! You are doing so well, it is so hard to have a new baby in your life, let alone dealing with PD aswell.
So tonight you picked up a knife and had thoughts about hurting yourself, the most important thing here is that you didnt and the thought of 'what if', is whats causing you the distress at the moment. Because you are so worried you 'may' self harm suggests to me that you wont and you are currently able to resist the urge to do so. Its really good that you are able to come on here and discuss such a personal issue. You are NOT a bad person, mother of wife, and getting the help you need shows that you are making all the right moves in recovering from this illness. Have you anyone you can call right now? maybe a close relative or friend? Maybe you need to discuss the thoughts returning with your GP or consultant, it may be that your medication needs changing if the thoughts have returned. Dont be scared to ask for more help and support, this is a treatable illness and you will get better.
Sending you best wishes
anna

aerobubbles · Jul 21, 2010 4:37PM

Hi Anna, thank you so much for your reply. The thoughts are so scary, I really have so much to live for. There is no one I can talk to at the moment, my husband finishes work at 11 but i'll probably be in bed by then. Is this a sign that i'm going backwards with my feelings? I did think I was starting to feel a little bit better although I don't feel back to my normal self just yet.

anna198 · Jul 21, 2010 4:48PM

Hi aerobubbles, Its only been 8 weeks since you were diagnosed, it really isnt that long ago, Has something happened recently to make you feel like this? Depression can take a while to recover from and its totoally normal to have good and bad days. The thoughts you describe are part of the illness. There are things you can do to help such as challenging these thoughts, which it does seem you are doing already, and distracting yourself. Have you got a film you could watch or a book you could read. I know this sounds superficial but try to do something relaxing. I think you need to talk to your Dr tomorrow, it is totally normal also to have your medication changed or the dose increased. You said the thoughts were getting better, which shows you are making progress. If you are still feeling desperate do ring your husband and ask him to come home, not that i think you will do something but because i think you need a big hug from your other half!!
all the best
anna

An overwelming urge

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