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Single Mum by choice

Hi all,

I was just wondering if there were any other mums-to-be out there who have chosen to go it alone because the clock was ticking?

I'm 38 and used sperm donated by a friend. Although he'll be around in the background, the deal is no practical or financial support and I'm OK with that. Would be really useful to get to know some people in a similar position to compare experience and share advice and support.

I know it's still going to be incredibly hard at times and I'm not undererstimating what I've taken on but reading the posts of some of you poor ladies out there I'm very glad to be spared all the heartbreak and difficulty of having to deal on a daily basis with someone who hurt you badly and who you would normally not want to see ever again. You're all very strong and I admire you!

Replies

  • Hi.... I just joined today and saw your post.

    I think it's great you have decided to do that. I can understand why... I am 30 and I have wanted children for many years but wanted my education out the way and to be married (the "ideal" lol)!

    I do know a woman at my new workplace who has done what you did. I am not sure about the details as I have only met her a couple of times. I am sure there are a lot of women that have done exactly what you are doing - maybe they're just not on here or aren't very talkative! image

    I myself am 18 +5 with my first baby and am really excited. Sometimes I get down cos the father can't be arsed to be a responsible adult and has basically disappeared but life is what it is and I do have my family and frineds. I hope you have support too from these people in your life?

    I guess the most important thing is to provide a stable, loving, supportive, safe environment for baby and as they grow up answer their questions honestly and support their choice to know about their heritage. I say this as someone who is adopted and I have always appreciated my parent honest & selfless approach to talking with me about potentially painful issues.

    I hope your pregnancy is going well? I think what you've done is also admirable.
  • Thank you Chica. Yes, I've got lots of support from people around me, and I post on another forum that's specifically for women in the same position.

    Since my last post, the sperm donor has freaked out and become very negative, which wouldn't be a problem except he's married to my best friend (the situation was her suggestion) and it's rotting up our friendship like nobody's business.

    But as you say, you just get on with it and appreciate the support you've got don't you? Plus at the end of the day, we have beautiful babies on the way and that's the important thing.

    When's your 20 week scan? Are you going to find out what the sex is?
  • image Hi

    My scan is next Monday - I am so excited! And yes I do want to know the sex cos I a naturally curious and terrible at being patient. I also have had several dreams - always a boy, one the night before I did the preg test, so I now am just thinking BOY BOY BOY all the time!

    What about you? How far along are you? Have you had your 20 week scan yet?

    I also get a detailed cardiac scan cos I am a type 1 diabetic and the baby is more prone to certain congenital defects... which scares me and I have to go to the hospital for diabetic antenatal clinic every 2 weeks at the least. I am trying my best with my sugar levels and on the whole they are very good but sometimes, esp as the pregnancy develops and the baby is relying more on the placenta it is getting more difficult!

    Anyway, your situation sounds potentially complicated! But then who's isn't!? At least your friend isn't freaking out. It is just like a man to do this.... I am sure he will calm down given time. He consented to it so he must have thought it through.... and it's too late now so he will have to get his head around the decision he made! lol you can see I am not that empathic towards the male of the species right now! Is your friend ok with you? Or is the strain making it really difficult?

    Speak soon xx
  • I'm 13 weeks today - had my first scan last Friday and saw the heart beating. That really simplifies things somehow!

    My friend is lovely and has always been right behind this. She sees the baby as a combination of the two people she loves most in the world and has been almost as excited as me. She was going to be my birth partner and everything.

    Living with her husband has been really hard though, she's being torn in two and it's not fair on her so we have agreed that she needs to back off a little and focus on her marriage while I focus on the baby. A real shame but there you go.

    I too had assumed that when he consented to give sperm he must have thought it through but he really obviously didn't and is now coming out with a lot of stuff that it is waaaaaaay too late for me to do anything about.
    Somehow it is my fault that I can't do anything about it. Rational is really not the word! He has a lot of issues from his own childhood and I think it all just got too much. Hopefully he'll calm down at some point, but if he doesn't he's the one who's missing out on an amazing experience. I'm very lucky in that I don't need any financial help at all, and have plenty of people around offering practical support so we really don't need him.

    Whereabouts are you based? Are you close to your family? And what is your Spanish connection? (Questions questions questions...)
  • Hiya!

    Seeing and hearing the heart is wonderful! It does make things more real for sure and it is a great relief (that's what I felt anyway) to actually know baby is alive and well in there!

    I am happy your friend is so supportive... that's great! And that she is going to be your birth partner image. That is lovely! I imagine it must be difficult for her if her husband is saying all these things.... men seem to do that! Strange aren't they! It is good you post on another forum that is specifically for women in your position; I think everyone needs as much support as possible don't we!

    Spanish connection ... image I went to Costa Rica and fell in love with the country and can't wait to go back. Was there twice last year.... really incredible and I made a few good friends... one of whom I want to get back and see as soon as possible so she can see my new baby when he/she is finally born. The 'mar' part is cos I LOVE the sea... I went to CR for diving - if you are a diver I highly recommend it; dived with mantas, sailfish, bull sharks, huge jacks, massive schools of eagle rays, giant moray eels.... I could go on and on! I'm very interested in the natural world - I'm a scientist and the sea is so beautiful and fascinating that I am addicted!

    I am relatively close to my family - moving back to my parents nearer to the birth. Need the support and the adult interaction - friends can only do so much.

    I notice you posted on my other msg... that man is driving me mad.... I'm still angry. I am about to go and check that. In other news, baby is kicking hard and throughout the whole day now... I love it, makes me laugh! And eases my mind. You will feel that in a few weeks too - I felt flutters at week 15 and then kicks started at week 17... but if you feel it later don't worry cos everyone feels it at different times, esp with their 1st.

    What career do you have by the way? Are you planning on taking a lot of time away once your baby is born? Now I'm asking the questions lol.
  • Ah, travelling! I share your love of nature and the world is so big and beautiful. I'm a little sad that money and time won't allow me to do much travelling for the next couple of years but I look forward to exploring with my son or daughter in a few years' time when we're a bit more secure!

    I'm expecting to feel wiggles any day now, it's really hard to contain the impatience. All getting really real now, hard not to panic a little at times thinking of the childcare and the extra rent. I work for a local council and even if I'm very careful financially I doubt I'll be able to take much more than 6 months off for maternity leave, which is gutting, but living in London is really expensive. I've just found out that my sister in law is about 7 weeks behind me so (fingers crossed!) I'll have a supportive friend with a new baby just 5 minutes' walk away to share it all with.

    Rant of the day: some lawyers are outrageous sharks! I've been contacting solicitors about a donor agreement and although most of them are reasonable, some really do seem to think that single mothers must be so vulnerable and panicked they'll believe any old cr*p!
  • Ah, travelling! I share your love of nature and the world is so big and beautiful. I'm a little sad that money and time won't allow me to do much travelling for the next couple of years but I look forward to exploring with my son or daughter in a few years' time when we're a bit more secure!

    I'm expecting to feel wiggles any day now, it's really hard to contain the impatience. All getting really real now, hard not to panic a little at times thinking of the childcare and the extra rent. I work for a local council and even if I'm very careful financially I doubt I'll be able to take much more than 6 months off for maternity leave, which is gutting, but living in London is really expensive. I've just found out that my sister in law is about 7 weeks behind me so (fingers crossed!) I'll have a supportive friend with a new baby just 5 minutes' walk away to share it all with.

    Rant of the day: some lawyers are outrageous sharks! I've been contacting solicitors about a donor agreement and although most of them are reasonable, some really do seem to think that single mothers must be so vulnerable and panicked they'll believe any old cr*p!
  • Hello, just read your post. I think you're so brave and congratulate you! Many people decide this is the best option and I am very confident you will be just fine on your own. I have two children, both under the age of two, My husband and I seperated when I was pregnant and I havent looked back. I love being a Mum and my children are never without my love. Good luck, keep us updated x
  • Salks!

    I have been absent from this site for a bit.... dunno, just didn't feel like coming on here. Today started off really well and now I am feeling a bit down... but anyway, no time for that really is there image.

    It's nice you like travelling and nature.... the natural world is so incredible isn't it? I am exactly the same, want my lil one to experience as much as possible at an early age. I have always wanted to be fluent in Latin American Spanish - and my dad who is going to retire for the second time now (he loves his job and returned as a consultant) also wants to learn Spanish, so I am hoping lil Joshua will absorb some of it with both of us learning it. I plan to stick post its all over the house with the spanish translation - on every object possible... it worked in Brasil when I went there and worked with some kids image. My fream was always to bring my children up near a beach so they could play with the locals and feel sand between their toes.... maybe, just maybe in the future huh?!

    I hope that you can get a bit more time off. I know it is hard; finances are difficult at the moment in general and add a baby with all the things you are meant to buy as well as the cuts in certain benefits and it all gets worrying.

    Glad you have your sister in law down the road also having a new baby very soon. That's beautiful! They can grown up together and you will have a lot of support as you'll be going through the same things together; that's wonderful!

    Write soon, let me know how you are ok. Bloody lawyers! I wanted to be a lawyer (and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had) but I couldn't reconcile the "unhumanatarian" aspects of it. I wanted to go into criminal law and my morals just wouldn't allow it. Once a lawyer told me that he didn't mind representing anyone, even murderers, he would only draw the line at child abusers.... everyone has a line I suppose! He argues that it was the legal system that had to decide if the person was guilty and if he represented the individual well enough then that was a fair trial.

    I also have to get info about legal points of naming the father on the birth certificate. Lil b*stard (and I don't use that word lightly) doesn't want to do anything; persish the thought that he would ever be put out and actually take responsibility!

    Anyway, do write soon, big hugs xxxx
  • Sorry Chica, been on holiday and just got back. Been seeing the Grand Canyon and the Rockies, all incredible. Rowan is such an untroublesome passenger, hope (s)he's as easy after (s)he's born!

    Someone has to represent the accused murderers and child molesters. A lot of those accused are innocent and if no-one defended them, there'd be even more miscarriages of justice than there are now! Innocent until proven guilty and all that.

    MygirlandI - thanks for the supportive words. Coming from someone who's raised 2 children on her own, they mean a lot! Are there ever any times when you just want to throw up your hands and cry, or do you manage to keep focused on the positives? And what would be your top tips for others about to go through it?
  • Hi Salks

    I am a single mum by choice too. I had my ds at 37 after being told my ovaries were a bit decrepit and with no Mr right on the scene. He is now 2 years old and I've just found out i'm pregnant with number 2!

    I am sorry you've been having such a difficult time with your friend and her husband - just remember the problems are his problems and although losing a good friend would be hard you will do fine anyway - I promise!

    Anyway feel free to message me if you fancy a chat

    xx


    http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/1;18;17/st/20110520/dt/7/k/890b/blk-preg.png



  • Thanks for the reassurance Matthew's Mum! And congratulations on number 2 - you must be so thrilled after thinking you would be lucky to get one! Double bonus. Is the second donor concieved too or did Mr Right turn up eventually?

    The thing that p*sses me off the most I think is that I have another friend (gay) who would happily have provided sperm and taken a real and loving interest in the child, but I opted for this one because I used to see a lot of them and thought it would be nice for the baby to have regular contact with donor Dad, and also with my best friend. Still, I've made the mental adjustment now to think of it as if the sperm had come from an anonymous donor.

    Maybe I'll try for a second with the alternative donor in a few years. You have inspired me!

  • Thanks for the reassurance Matthew's Mum! And congratulations on number 2 - you must be so thrilled after thinking you would be lucky to get one! Double bonus. Is the second donor concieved too or did Mr Right turn up eventually?

    The thing that p*sses me off the most I think is that I have another friend (gay) who would happily have provided sperm and taken a real and loving interest in the child, but I opted for this one because I used to see a lot of them and thought it would be nice for the baby to have regular contact with donor Dad, and also with my best friend. Still, I've made the mental adjustment now to think of it as if the sperm had come from an anonymous donor.

    Maybe I'll try for a second with the alternative donor in a few years. You have inspired me!

  • Hi Salks

    Still waiting for Mr Right (although actually I think I have it way easier than my married friends who have to juggle babies, work, homes and hubbies!). Number two conceived with donor sperm - sadly not the same donor but hey it all makes life interesting! :0) *whispers* really hope this donor doesn't have a big nose, sticky out ears or a protruding chin! LOL
  • Salks.... I'm going to email you in a bit. Hope you're ok? I have lower back pain.... but apart from that Joshua is a wonderful lil baby, not causing any other problems at all bless him.... and I have a bump now so people can actually see I'm pregnant; only took 25 weeks! image

    Chat soon x
  • Matthew's mum - good on you! That may well be the way I go in a year or so, although have to wait until this one's in nursery before I can afford another. The fact I got pregnant so easily has reassured me I might have the chance at a second, which I never dreamed of even a year ago.

    I'm starting to wonder how to handle the whole information sharing thing with the little one. Donor dad is married to my best friend so squirt will see him fairly regularly but he doesn't want any kind of father role. But I don't want to lie to squirt. Hmm.
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