Family help - long story
Hi everyone, I dont know whther anyone can help me. I am having a few problems with my SIL. We normally hear from her everyday via email and probably see her at least twice a week, but since telling her we were having a baby she is completely ignorning us. I dont think its hatred towards us but she has just got married and really wants a baby of her own. She doesnt seem able to be in the same room as us. We were at a family gathering last week and someone I hadnt seen since announcing we were pregnant was asking questions about how we are etc and she just walked out and it feels so cold. I dont feel like I am rubbing it in her face as I try not to talk about the baby (although its on my mind all the time I know its not everyones priority) but its just getting me down that she cant be around us. I want to be able to talk to her as I know how she feels. We put off ttc straight after we got married as she was getting married 14 months later and wanted me to be bridesmaid and we didnt know how long it was going to take to conceive so put it off, and this nearly killed me. I have wanted a baby for so long and so I know exactly how she feels about the ache that she is going through, but I feel I would sound condescending if I do try and talk to her and I dont feel she would listen anyway. Any ideas how I can make this situation any easier? Its on my mind so much that its actually consuming my day with guilt.
Thanks if you managed to get through the ramble x
Mrs J 19+6
Thanks if you managed to get through the ramble x
Mrs J 19+6
0
Replies
My SIL had a LO not so long ago and I was desperate to have another baby at the time but hubby wanted to wait. No way would I have been like this with her. It hurt to see her with her LO at first, especially when hubby was holding her, but could never take that out on her.
I think you need to concentrate on you and the bump hun and let her work it out in her own head, or maybe ask your OH to have a word with her/his mum.
It could be that they've had some news or even a mc which they didn't want to mention. When I lost my lo there were a lot of family members pregnant and although I wasn't jealous as such, i was delighted for them- it still ripped the heart out of me to plaster on a smile and make the usual baby small-talk. I did it but it felt fake so I tried to avoid when I could. Killed me more when one of them was sat smoking with a pint at 20+ wks! But that's beside the point
You certainly have nothing to feel guilty about and to be honest, if she is just being childish, you have more important things to worry about over next while so put her to one side.
Good luck x
Thanks again x
I personally think that you need to ask her whats wrong and that you've noticed she hasn't been in contact recently. To avoid confrontation which could be uncomfortable for you both, why don't you email her? Give her a few days to reply then if you haven't heard anything, call her.
Good luck, xx
You really do just have to stop worrying about it and concentrate on your little family she'll come round eventually.
It is hard watching someone have a baby when you are desperate to, and can't - but most (grown-ups) see any new baby in the family as a blessing and don't feel the need to try and spoil what should be a lovely time - just out of spite and jealousy!
How lovely of you to delay TTC just for her by the way, and what a shame that she doesn't seem to appreciate it.
Like I said - sorry if that sounds blunt, but quite frankly - she needs a slap!
I know it's easy for us to say she has to accept it but you're the one going through it and missing a friend I guess x
I do know where your coming from, as I'm the first of my close friends to have a baby. 2 of them are deliriously excited but the other 2 haven't asked about or really mentioned it since they said congratualtions - which is a shame as all i want to do it talk babies!! But i know one of them in particular would love to be married like me and having babies but she's only just started a new relationship so in some way's, it must feel like i'm rubbing it in her face!! I got married last year when she had no-one and now she has met someone, i'm having a baby so alway a stage ahead of her in her eyes! But i also think she could at least pretend to be excited etc for the sake of our friendship!! But i think i've learnt that she can't from the way she acted over our wedding (a few thoughtless remarks such as 'well i'm glad thats finally over we can talk about something else now for a change. This said during my reception!)
What i'm trying to say is that we are still close and i value her friendship, but just that she is a jealous person, and the sort that thinks it should all happen to her and not other people, but i can't change her and 'having it out with her' isn't going to change that or her feelings as they would then just be fake, as opposed to polite if you see what i mean?
Hope she comes round sooner rather than later but i'm sure she will xx
sorry didn't realise this turned into such a long post - hope i didn't bore you ;\)x
[Modified by: bunchymum on August 27, 2010 05:14 PM]
she's actually a very good friend and always has been xxx
My first instinct is that your SIL has possibly had a mc, as this is exactly how I reacted to one of my very close friends when she was pg - I had had 2 mc in 3 months and after the 2nd I just couldn't face her, it killed me to see her with her beautiful bump. Thankfully she was true friend and let me manage things in my own time. I emailed her quite a long email telling her how much I loved her but couldn't face her at that time. TBH if I had had the reaction that some of you have given I would have been traumatised.
You say that you know she isn't TTC but she may actually be right now but doesn't eant to say anything, as I'm sure you know there's nothing worse than people who keeep asking 'how it's going' etc.
I think that the fact you've posted this means that you think a lot of your SIl so like someone else has said I'd email her and take it from there.
xxx
When I had my mc my Sil had a baby 4 weeks later and I didn't visit her till the baby was 6 weeks old as this was the soonest I felt emotionally ready! However, as hard as it was, I asked OH to be honest with them. They were very cruel satin we should be going to see her and that we were selfish and in a way I was being selfish but for my own sanity! I'd have been very upset at the time, seeing her with her baby, not because I didn't want her to have him but because I missed my baby too.
I think it's great that you've recognised there's a problem but I would either broach the subject very carefully or just wait for her to approach you.
She may seem selfish but it's not like it's a toy she's jealous of, it's having a child, it's a massive deal and a huge emotional rollercoaster so I'd be as sympathetic as you can, although it seems you care a lot. It would have been a lot easier for me to have had a SIL as patient as you!
Hope things are sorted soon!
However, her reaction , which seems out of the ordinary suggests that something is going on with her and maybe you should ask what if you feel close enough to her.
My SIL fell pregnant at around the time my bean would hav ebeen due and although I was happy for her my own sadness was overwhelming and i couldn't control it. I couldn't even see her for 8 weeks after as I was so sad and I didn't want her happy news to be overshadowed by me.
They didn't know that was our due date and people don't tend to shout it from the rooftops when they've suffered a loss or are struggling to conceive.
I am since spoken to my SIL who totally understood my feelings and has been wonderful and I love talking about her baby and can't wait to be an Aunty again.
You sound like you have a really close relationship to her and so would seem odd that she was just being spiteful. I would just pop over for a cup of tea and she'll probably tell you without the pressur eof a family do.
x x
Maybe ask her if she's been quiet, but I'd tread carefully x
I know she isnt ttc for many reasons at the moment and I know it has nothing to do with ttc or mc etc. I cant say that I have been through a mc or problems with fertility and I would be heartbroken for her if that was the case. I keep my fingers crossed for her that when/if her time does come then its the result she deserves. I try to have understanding of fertility problems but as I have said I havent been through it so I would find it hard to what to say but I am 100% sure its not that at this point in time.
I hope nobody is offended by any comments I have made in this post, I just hope you all realise that I just needed advice on what to say or do to make this situation easier for her and for the family.
Once again, Thank you all for your advice x I really do appreciate you taking the time to read through my rambling mess and help me with a response.
Mrs J x