do i have pnd again?

My fiance and i were talking about our 12 month old yesterday. He says he thinks i have pnd again. I dont think so. The first time i was suicidal, cried 24/7, was scared of hurting him, i was angry at him all the time, i didnt want him, i felt he hated me and cried just to punish me, resented him and would really have to stop myself from losing my temper with him.

This time, I just think he doesnt like me, i havent bonded with him, he has bonded with his dad whose home all the time and his nan who cant go 2 days without taking him home for a few hours. I think my baby just prefers them and i really dont care. as long as he has bonded he is getting what he needs. hes a really happy baby. hes just not cuddly and im not gunna force him to cuddle me like they do. i feel he is just more work but thats just how life is and what mothers do, i love him. but its not a smushy love. im living life with the "this is what mums do just go through the motions". i laugh with him play with him i find him cute..is there a real problem here?

My fiance is distressed i have a really strong bond with my first son the pnd lasted till about 4 months old when the colic stopped. and he wants me to have the same bond with this son and i dont and he feels now he has to keep the baby away from me cos hes scared the baby will upset me..

I have been super depressed the last year about other stuff...but i dont think its pnd what do you all think?