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Fear of the future without children

Hi everyone. Haven't been on here in a while but I need some support now. It's coming up to 3 years next week of TTC. I start my 3rd cycle of clomid next month and then I am seeing my consultant to be referred for IVF. Everytime a huge milestone comes up I start to reflect on my life and and the future. This time I am thinking about what will my life be like if I can't have children. I think that I was meant to be a mother so if I can't have children what will the purpose of my life be? I won't ever be happy, or at least I can't see myself being happy which makes my husband really sad because he thinks he isn't enough.

Does anyone feel the same way?

Also, my next Clomid cycle is 100mg and I am so scared. On 50mg I went into such a dark place for 5 days I can't imagine how bad I am going to feel on double the dosage. I've never had problems with ovulating but Clomid did the reverse for me. It also gave me such bad water retention!




  • Hi,

    I can relate to what you are saying.  We have been ttc for 5 years and are just about to start my third treatment of IVF (I had my first scan today). I have two eggs left, which I know is still more then some so I should be grateful but I'm scared that if they fail (they might not even survive the thaw out process, thats happened to one already) then I might have to face up to not having my own kids.

    I've not been on Clomid so I don't know how that feels but some of the IVF drugs play with you emotions and they had alot to do with my moods etc.  I have had reflexology done and I also listen to positive thinking cd's and I think they really work.  Have you tried something like that to help you relax? 

    Like you it gets me really gets to me sometimes, I feel like I have let my hubby down but we have to stay positive and deal with what may be when it happens. It seems like you still have options which is good news.  When do you start on your new dosage?

  • I'm sorry that it's been 5 years for you. How do you feel about the IVF? Are those cycles on the NHS? We only get one here which is a concern.

    I haven't tried anything. I go to the gym 4 times a week which helps me as I laugh a lot with my friends. I will be starting therapy soon to learn how to deal with my emotions.

    I just sometimes think that if I can't be 100% happy without children, I shouldn't be with someone bringing me down. I know this is dramatic and my husband is so supportive but I just feel so guilty that I am the problem. He shouldn't have to put up with this.

    I start the new dosage on the second day of my next period so in 7-10 days.

  • I had my first cycle on the NHS but we have had to pay for the rest, luckily our family has helped us out.   I think because we had been trying for such a long time and our ages they just put us forward for IVF. In the past I have been really down and depressed about not being able to have a baby without help, don't get me wrong sometimes it still gets to me but I just have to except it and do whatever I can to give it my best chance. 

    Do any of your friends and family know?  I kept it bottled up for ages and only told my family and friends when I had my first try. They have been a great support to me over the last year and it's been good being able to talk about it.  I hope the therapy helps you to deal with things. Going to the gym is a great way of realising some of the stress from it all. 

    I can understand why you would feel guilty but it's not your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself, your husband probably feels just as guilty that he can't help you.  I'm always here if you need to chat.image


  • Hi, Ive just read your post and have to say, you took the words out of my mouth. I feel exactly the same. I go through periods of feeling like that each month. Worrying about the future and what my life would be like without having my own children. Ever since i was a child i have always thought my purpose in life was to get married and raise a family. I never wanted to do anything else. Im not a career person, i just work to live and pay the bills. I never realised how hard it would be to have children. Its been 2 years now and we are starting iui so am pinning all my hopes on that. They havent found anything really wrong with either of us, so its just classed as unexplained, which doesnt really help. My hubby already has a child, whom I love dearly, but it just makes it even harder to deal with and I go thorugh periods of self doubt wondering why this is happening, what have I done wrong thinking its all my fault. I have to fight myself to stay positive and my hubby is so understanding and stays positive for the both of us. He just keeps saying 'BELIEVE', and it will happen.

    I really hope it works out for us all, will keep my fingers crossed. Just remember, you are not alone x

  • I've been feeling like this a lot too. I am so scared that I am never going to get pregnant and going to be childless for the rest of my life and it frightens me because I don't want a future that doesn't involve children. When I speak to my dh about it, he tells me that I've given up already and that it will never happen if I think like this. The problem is (and it sounds awful to say) but I don't know if my dh will be enough if we can't have children. I would want to adopt if we couldn't conceive at all but he won't even talk about it with me and discuss the possibility of adoption if all else fails and I know deep down that he woudn't want to adopt. Before we got married he always said he would do everything within his power to have children with me, whether that by naturally, IVF or adoption, but now he refuses to discuss it and I feel like he agreed to all that just so that I would marry him. I love him to death, he is my heart, yet I am scared that if IVF doesn't work for us then I am left with nothing. It is like my dream of being a mother is more important than the reality of life with my wonderful husband. It makes me really sad that I feel like this image

  • hi ladies, i just read your posts. i haven't been on for while.

    i can so relate to all of you, and feel like i Will never be a mother, i feel it in my heart it Will never happen now. i had two ivf and conclusion is my eggs are abnormal meaning no ivf or natural conception can happen now. this happened all last year. .

    don't give up hope ladies, keep strong, but also remember the good things you have in your life now x x x
  • I completely understand how you all feel or felt. I have struggled for over 15 years I hardly ever had a period unless given prover. But up until the beginning of this year did I actually start having periods, my husband & I want to TTC. No luck what so ever. I have PCOS I've been on metformin for a lil more than 1 year & started on clomid 50mgs from march to july not luck OV. My doctor then moved me up to 100mg of clomid this month & still no OV. My progesterone level at the beginning of treatment was o.o5 now at the end of this months treatment my progesterone level bearly moved to 1.7 n 100mg of clomid. I'm am so torn & feel forsaken. So emotional I can hardly stand myself I feel sorry for my husband for having to deal with my emotions. Well I had my last doctor appointment on the 20th of this month & my doctor pretty much said he was sorry & wanted to send me to a fertility specialist I feel so hopeless & hurt with the way my life has turned out. Why does this have to be so difficult? I avoid family gatherings I avoid baby showers & I avoid babies because I start to cry as soon as I can get away from anyone seeing how hard it affects me. So hopeless & so affraid the fertility specialist will not be able to help me.
  • Oh Jewelss I am so sorry to read this post : ( and awake at 4 in the morning! That sounds so tough for you, the thought of not having your own children really is such a profound one. I am probably gonna suggest everythiong you have heard before but want to try and help. Has your partner had a SA test? I am guessing yes, only because if you have PCOS and only occassional have a period | guess it is important that everything is ok there. My best friend has PCOS and I am aware that a low carbohydrate diet can help the symptoms? Also have you considered talking to someone about how low you feel? I really hope the fertility specialist can help you next month. I have found another really helpful forum called fertility zone with all sub categories I hope you can find something helpful there. This may be a long shot have you thought of accupuncture? or egg sharing? Sorry that was a bit of a random list!

    All the best Jo x

  • to all the other ladies, Me and my hubby have had this conversation too the 'what if...' I think we would adopt. For us DIUI would not be an option I just cannot get my head around it. I really hope we can concieve either naturally or with help. I cannot stop thinking of not knowing what 'our' child would look like? but if we adopted it would still take on our mannerisms etc... I dunno just tying what is popping into my head really. Its been 14 months for us so not that long really but I guess I cannot help wondering what the future will bring. So glad for this forum tho it is a lifeline xx

  • hi laura

    my husband and i have only being trying to concieve for 10months and ive been refered to a fertility clinc due to not having a period for 9 months,i can understand how you feel i go to that dark place of not having children and being a mum and it scares me more than i could ever explain,im struggling to be happy for friends and family that are expecting or having new babies also i got married last year and feel that ppl are waiting for me to make the BIG annocement that we're expecting but its just not happening anytime soon,i just wanted to let you know like the other ladies on her your not alone fingers crossed you get the baby you so desperatly want your time will come xxx

  • Hi ladies, I just want to say I also relate you how you're all feeling. I'm 31, dh is 33, we've been ttc for over 3 years and it's been a very long road getting help on the NHS. I had a laparoscopy in Nov which was not fun (anyone else had that? The random shoulder pain was horrific) anyway, it was all clear.I'm now on month 3 of clomid. I'm convinced the dose is too high, I feel all over the shop with side effects. I nearly fainted twice yesterday and have been in the worst mood today. Been a total biatch to my dh - he's escaped to the gym! LOL!

    Got day 21 bloods tomorrow - the waiting game is killing me.

    I'm so frustrated with NHS now we're definitely going for private consultation next.

    I try hard to be strong and positive but it's getting harder and harder. I said to my husband we're good people and we love each other so much, why is this not happening for us? I just don't get it. A heap of my friends have announced pregnancies this month, it's so hard. I'm really happy for them... but I just want it to be me as well though. I think you're the only other people who understand that. image

    BibbyBobby - I am in the same boat. If all else fails I want to foster/adopt but dh is really not keen, he won't discuss it. We have a nice home/lifestyle and have loads of love to give to a child, I don't understand why he doesn't feel the same way... I suspect he doesn't like the thought of raising another man's child - although he's never actually said that.  

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