Lost my baby girl at 22 weeks
Hi, where do I start.....well 4 weeks ago I was 22 weeks pregnant. I was well throughout the pregnancy, albeit extremely anxious due to suffering a miscarriage at 12 weeks back in March!
This time round I got to hear the heartbeat and my midwife even let me record it - for which I will be eternally grateful for!
On 3rd December my waters broke. Me and my husband made our way to hospital absolutely petrified of what lay ahead. After scans and swabs it was confirmed that my waters had broken. That evening went in a blur as me and my husband tried to get some sleep in a side room of the baby ward. I had to have all the usual tests every 4 hours. This continued into the next day and that evening they told me they were moving me to the labour ward as I needed monitoring every 30 minutes. i begged the consultant to do everything they could to save my little baby. the consultant very kindly started me on IV anti biotics straight away, something that they don't do until blood results are back. Unbeknown to me at this point I had an infection which possible could be the cause of my waters breaking early. I was being treated for sepsis. My fluid intake / output had to measurrd and monitored each time. I was freezing cold but also burning up. The midwife on the labour ward knew I was poorly but didn't let on to me. She just got me extra blankets and put the fan blowing on me in the hope my temperature would come down. Saturday morning I was feeling better and was told so long as I was well in myself they would Monitor me. I was moved back upstairs to the labour ward and was told if I could make 23 weeks they give me steroids to help my babys llungs develop. I felt like I'd been handed a lifeline. I prayed to my baby and talked to the baby to hang on in there. We could do thIs together. I even said to my his and it looks like we'll be having our baby a little earlier than planned.
Throughout the day I continued to have blood tests, IV antibiotics. I felt like I'd been abused. The pediatric dr ca to see me to tell me that of my baby was born at 22 weeks they would be too tiny to work on and if they did this could cause more harm - I.e brain damage etc. The words 'not viable' will haunt me for ever.
I would have the consultant, dr, midwife and another person all come in to see me in my side room. Each time I felt the air being sucked out of the room and the room closing in on me.
Later that afternoon I was told my bloods were over 100 and if this continued I would have severe septecemia. They told me in order to rid my body of this infection i would have to give birth to my baby. I wasn't ready for this to happen. Me, my husbalbs and my mum made our way to the labour ward. I went to the special room at the end of the ward. Every now and again I could hear women giving birth to their babies and I felt a mixture of jealousy and anger.
we didn't know the sex of our baby - we wanted it to be a surprise when I gave birth whst should have been 40 weeks. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl at 7:14sm on Sundat 6th December. We named her Margsret in memory of my Nanna who passed away 2 years ago. Margaret was perfect in every way. She had perfect little ears and lips and a little button nose. Her fingers and toes were perfect all with nails. We got prints of her hands and feet and pictures. Margaret was blrssed st the hospital. We had Margaret buried on 23rd December. It breaks my heart every time I go to her grave. I'm due to go back to work next monday after 5 weeks and im hsving panic attacks thinking about it. Today has been a bad day. I've had waves of overwhelming feat and panic wash over me as realisation sets in. I gave a friend who is due to give birth to a little girl 2 days after I should have done and I feel as if i can't cope. I want to distance myself from all my friends and everybody I knew before this happened. I've even contemplated resigning from work. I panic if I can't make it to Margaret's grave everyday. I will be 40 in 4 weeks so feel that time is running out for me to have a family. As much as I want to be pregnant now I know I am not ready and I don't know if I ever will be. im scared that I'll have no connection with the Baby. I secretly wanted a little girl and God answered my prayers. Im scared that if I have a little boy next time I won't have this over whelming love for him. There are so many questions/thoughts going round in my head. im scared in case Margaret thinks a new baby is replacing her. No baby could ever replace her. She was my first born and is and always will be very special to her mummy and daddy. Im so sad that we were not able to bring her home. She was beautiful. when leavimg the hospital I was told they'd swabbed under Margaret's armpit and she had strep B infection. I had obviously passed this into her. For this I feel incredinky guilty that her mummy who should keep her safe couldmt even do that. I believe strep b is common in pregnancy but very uncommon for your waters to break so early. I am due to see the consultant on 2nd Feb and im hoping for some answers and reassurances.
God bless Margstet - mummy and daddy love you lots and are very proud of you! Xxx