End of my tether please help....
Hi all, New here. Really struggling and need either words of comfort or advice..or anything!!
My daughter is 5, 6 in March. She's strong willed, which I try encourage in a positive way. It's just me and her, I am a student nurse in my final year and its been pretty hard on us both.
She's been a well behaved little girl with the 'typical' tantrum type behaviour, and there have been times we have gotten through it ok and other times I've lost my temper and shouted/smacked her bum.
The last month or so her behaviour has gotten worse, and the last two weeks have been horrendous. Just to set the scene....
I have avoided shouting as I know it gets me no where, and just sets the example that she can do that. Last week, after me asking her to get her pyjamas on ready for bed, she ignored me and started being silly. I ignored and carried on getting stuff out, when I say if she doesn't do as her told I will have to take away treats (such as movie nights, tea on the sofa, sleeping with mummy, I rarely but chocolate but none of her choc/sweets from christmas). She continued to ignore telling me she 'wasn't bothered' and 'i don't care'. I had to take myself away from the situation as I was going to start shouting. I went outside to try calm myself down, she followed me downstairs and wee'd on the kitchen floor. I took her upstairs, showered her and got her changed, with little communication or eye contact, asked her to brush teeth and she started again, ignoring me, felt like she was trying to provoke a reaction. I explained to her I wanted her to brush her teeth and get into bed. She continued to ignore me. I went in my room and Sat behind the door. That's when the real fun began! I repeated what I wanted her to do, said night night love you, then I was being screamed at through the door, calling me a fat mummy (I'm on the larger side so that hurts), was told that I was horrible, ignorant and if I ignored her she would carry on being naughty....I just calmly repeated I wanted her to do as her told, love you night night etc.....She went in rolls of being angry and horrible, to speaking calm, back and forth. 2and a half hours later she stops and goes to bed. This was at its worst last Monday night. I started a new chart for me and her, with each day putting a smiley face for when I don't shout and lose my temper or she has listen and done as her told or sad face if we shout say mean things.... each day there was something, but I remained calm and I thought I was getting somewhere. Friday I had to go behind my door again because she was doing the same again. The weekend wasn't perfect but not as bad. Come to now, I say it's bedtime, after having tea together and it being ok (except me not.letting her have a chocolate bar after swimming that a friend have her, explaining the reason being her behaviour last night, but we githave through that reasonably well, I explained it was ok for her to be upset about not getting the chocolate, but she needed to understand that how her behaviour can affect what she gets and its ok to behave upset but not to then be mean to me), we looked at spellings and I said lets have a nice bedtime and we'll have time for a story. She wanted a snack before bed but I said no (one of her tricks to delay bedtime), she ran into the kitchen to get some crackers, I managed to get them and said this isn't good behaviour please don't be naughty now. Upstairs asked to get pyjamas on, said I would help, she was asking me what a Chinese burn is while trying to squeeze my wrists. I said I'm not telling you because its not a nice thing to do. She was pushing me while I was helping so I warned if she carried on I won't help. She carried on so I said please change yourself (she's usually very independent has dressed herself since 2) I went to get her toothbrush ready, she had followed me in not getting changed pushing and grabbing my clothes, I asked her to stop and she continued to ignore me. I took myself in my room, and as soon as I closed the door she said you're a fat mum! And then started the abuse again, demanding I do this and that. I explained I wouldn't because of her behaviour and if she wants certain things she needs to do as her told and be kind. They cycle continued, speaking kind until she realised I wasn't giving in, then horridness started.
I feel hiding in my room isn't helping, but I'm getting close to losing it with her and I don't want to scream and snack her.
We have tried naughty step but it's never Sat well with me, she generally would do as her told. We have tried charts, I have a 'happy home list' that lists the things we should do, like no shouting, 'rules' such as no tv in a morning, dressed and toothbrushes before going downstairs etc... It now includes consequences if she doesn't do as her told, such as cancelling movie nights, no slonky teas, no tv, no toys.
It doesn't seem to be working. How do I respond to the things she is saying, especially the 'I'm not bothered I don't care' and the 'big fat horrible mummy'.
Please help, from a tried, emotional mum trying her best but feeling like a failure.