Do I have pnd?
Sorry to add to the pnd threads but I just feel like I need to let it all out and see what your opinions are.
My daughter was born in July last year, luckily it was summer so my husband was off work for 7 weeks with us. When he went back to work, I suddenly found it really hard. I had pnd symptoms- crazy thoughts about hurting my baby, though I know I never would. One night I was convinced I had pnd and I cried for hours and while my husband was supportive, he was convincing me otherwise so I thought everything would be fine and that I definitely don't have it.
Fast forward, my daughter is 10 months old. I recently saw a friend who said she was worried about me, after we had spoken and going by some of the things I was saying, she said I reminder her of her when she was having a hard time and had pnd. Since she spoke to me, I've been feeling really down. I'm not sure if it's a sudden realisation because I'm still convinced I don't have it, it just comes in waves.
My daughter was born by emergency c section and when she was born I never felt the instant bond that I thought all mothers had, there was no rush of sudden love, I felt pretty out of it and I remember hours after when I was going to try and feed her for the first time, she was crying and the HCA was telling me to talk to her and try to calm her down because she'll recognise my voice and I just laid there staring at her. Recently she was making noise and wouldn't sleep, I was getting really frustrated and I just wanted to pinch her. I obviously didn't but felt like the thoughts of hurting her are maybe coming back?! Sometimes if I'm driving I'm thinking what if we have an accident, I would rather die as she has her whole life ahead of her, we couldnt both go because my husband would be devastated. To this day, I feel that this isn't the fairytale everyone makes it out to be, though my husband and I have always wanted to children, don't get me wrong, I bloody love my little girl and would never do her any harm.
I am incredibly self conscious and while people say oh my body made a baby, it's so amazing, I don't mind that my body won't be the same, I agree our body's are amazing but I don't let the fact I've had a baby be an excuse for having a flabby belly and a body I'm unhappy with- it's something I'm struggling with. I had ups and downs wih food in my teen years and I feel that I want to be happy with myself so that my daughter grows up with a love of healthy food, not watching her mum criticise herself but it's something I really can't help.
Sometimes I resent my husband. He teaches more than I do so I look after her most of the day. When I'm with her, I sleep when she sleeps, feel like I don't achieve anything, not done and washing, not done any dishes, there's no urgency and when my husband comes in the door and starts tidying after me, I get really annoyed with him as if to say leave it, I will do it, I can manage. But when my husband looks after her, he's done all the washing, all the cleaning and I feel like I let down because 90% of the time it doesn't happen with me.
I could also sleep for days, I don't feel like I have depression because reading online, it says a sign is not wanting to get out of bed. I don't get the feeling of wanting to stay in bed for days but I nap when she naps, I sit on the sofa for two minutes and I fall asleep. When I nap at the same time and she wakes up before I do, I wake up like urghhh I was sleeping, I'm so tired. My friend was saying that sleeping all the time is a sign of depression. I laughed and I'm not sure why. It's definitely not funny but I'm unsure whether I have classic pnd signs or if it's just life and adjusting to being a new mum- I've always been a tired person so surely this is just it. I'm wondering why, after we spoke, I have been feeling really down. I cried last night after our conversation and I cried today. I took a drive today and went for a walk to get some fresh air and it made me feel better than I would have felt if I'd stayed inside. My husband said today he is worried about me, since I spoke to my friend, I've been really quiet and upset. I'm not sure if I'm in denial or actually this is just life and the changing world of being a mother.
I don't want to speak to a doctor, I don't want anyone to worry about me or for anyone to label me. I just want to know if anyone else has had/ is having these feelings. Even just to write this, I feel tense and my heart is racing but I feel it's okay because it's sort of anonymous and no one can judge me.