Postnatal depression. Please help!!
Hi everyone I’ve got a 5 week old baby daughter.
I suffered with bad depression back in 2014. I took Citalopram in 2014 and eventually got myself into a much better place. Life was really good. I moved out with my partner, got engaged and then married. I honestly had never been happier. We started trying for a baby a few months after marriage. Pregnancy was good and I was so excited to meet our baby.
Had an uncomplicated normal straight forward delivery. After birth I didn’t feel that instant rush of love that everyone talks about. I was in complete and utter shock that we had a had girl because I was convinced it was a boy. That first night I remember crying to my husband that I felt like I hadnt bonded with her and she felt like she wasn’t mine. But overnight I breastfed her and these feelings soon passed. I think I just needed some time alone with her to get to know her a bit.
I got baby blues around day 3- 5. Yes i felt emotional and cried but as I have suffered from depression before they were nothing in comparison. Having a new baby was the biggest shock of my life I couldn’t believe how much time a little one would take up and how I didnt even have time for a shower.
My husband and my mum went back to work after 2 weeks and this is where I really struggled for a week. I could barely even cook a meal or leave the house due to constant breastfeeding. Consequently I gave up breastfeeding and felt like a weight had been lifted.
Last week had a good week. I was able to leave the house, cook meals and have some sort of routine. I was so worried that the dogs would harm her and hated the thought of hot drinks being drank over her.
But this week I’ve almost been resenting her for ruining my life. I can’t go to the gym, my body isn’t the same, I can’t leave the house at the drop of the hat. And sometimes I am hating motherhood and thinking what the hell have I done. My husband and our families absolutely adore her and I’m sat her just feeling numb and nothing. I used to wake up in a panic and check on her several times a night but now I don’t even do that.
Since about Tuesday I have felt so down and depressed and I feel like I haven’t bonded with her. Although I am convinced we did have a bond of some sort that was developing as I was so concerned about her welfare.
I went to the GP on Friday and have been prescribed Citalopram again for PND. My anxiety and lie mood has rocketed. I’ve confided in my husband and my mum and dad and they think because of the depression my mind if playing tricks on me and that we have really bonded but because I’m not well I can’t see it now. So what I’m asking is Do you think we have bonded? Or is this just a part of PND?
I feel so guilty she is everything I have ever wanted but I’m struggling adjusting to motherhood. She really is a beautiful girl. Once the antidepressants have kicked in do you think I will feel a bond with her again?